Mother Knows Best

mother-2

 

“I love you.”

“I have heard this is a good one for getting a reaction from you because this is what you always want to hear.”

 

“You won’t ever amount to anything.”

“Not while I am interfering in every facet of your life, controlling you and making your childhood and your adult life one long battle.”

 

I just thought I would call you and see how you are.”

“You do not give me enough fuel. You are an ungrateful son/daughter and I regret the day I gave birth to you.”

 

“It is my birthday next week and I just wondered if you had anything planned.”

“I expect something lavish and spectacular so I can be centre stage. If you haven’t planned such an event you are cruel and uncaring, just as I always thought.”

 

“I am proud of you.”

“For once you have done something I approve of and now I can take all the credit for it.”

 

 

“You were quite a challenge when you were younger.”

“I thought you might resist my cold-hearted manipulation of you, but I broke you in the end.”

 

“I suppose you have heard the sad news about your Uncle Paul dying?”

“A death! A funeral! Such a wonderful stage for me to dominate and all those relatives to suck fuel from.”

 

“I am trying to help you,you know?”

“I am trying to control you, stop resisting me.”

 

I have done so much for you. All I want is some thanks.”

“I think I have done so much for you. I need some fuel.”

 

“It was a joke. You take yourself so seriously.”

“It was not a joke. Damn you for seeing through it. I need to back track quickly so I am not accountable.”

 

“You were an accident.”

“Go on cry and make me feel powerful.”

 

“Your father and I have discussed this as we think…”

“I have decided….”

 

“Your father agrees with me so there is no point running to him.”

“Your father knows better than to contradict me.”

 

“I had such high hopes for you.”

“You aren’t doing what I want.”

 

“That never happened.”

“It did but you are not allowed to hold that against me.”

 

“We never thought you would leave home.”

“You were not meant to move out of my control.”

 

“We hardly ever see you these days.”

“You should be providing me with fuel more often.”

 

“You weren’t like this when you were little.”

“You were so much easier to control back then.”

 

“I don’t love you.”

“I don’t love you. I never have.”

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23 thoughts on “Mother Knows Best”

  1. Always thought ‘I love you’ was used soley in Hollywood cinema.
    Casually throwing around big words like that was a foreign concept.
    Shocked to hear people actually use this expression, for real. To each other. WEIRD!

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  2. Well hg my parents had said most of these things except being an accident and not loving me
    They werent narcissists and they always gave an explanation after saying these things
    They always knew when a boyfriend was bad for me. They just didnt know of the term narcissist. Neither did i. Thanks for your daily posts. You have saved me thousands of dollars in therapy. You are the best authority on narcissism. Ive read other books but they arent as good as yours. You explain narcissism in an easy to read and understand format. Thank you hg.

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    1. LS,
      Hard to believe that they were narcissists if they didn’t say those two things.
      Both of my parents but more so my mother repeatedly said I don’t love you and I never wanted you or you ruined my life. I thought that this is a Narcissistic staple in the list of destructive tactics, however, in the words of my parents, I am wrong.

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  3. Sad. Sad. Sad. Just plain sad.
    I have a sister who I now know is a N and I suspect this is word for word what she is putting her three children through. Her husband is as weak as water and well trained to do her bidding so he is no support or barrier for them. When her eldest was a preschooler he never spoke or engaged with anyone. He always looked perpetually petrified. My mother (his grandma) always looked out for him but as the years went by and two more children came along it became apparent there was only so much she could do when their mother had so much control over them. They weren’t allowed to have any one-on-one contact or visits alone with any of the family. She finally relented and allowed the boys an overnight visit with their grandmother when they were 6. Of course she was on the phone to them all the time. The eldest is now 14 and is still not allowed to answer the phone if it rings. She is totally over-the-top regarding safety issues but really that is just her disguise to be able to control their every move while she pretends she is worried about their well-being.

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  4. The Narc said something to me once and it was hard as it had a ring of truth. “If you want to say hello, just do so, why all the drama and games.” It bothered me because I did know I had a whole lot of trouble reaching out to him at the ‘end’. So it rang true.

    But it wasnt until much later that I saw the drama the would quickly ignite the few times I did was provoked by him. Gone was any happiness to hear from me. Gone was all his energy of extending friendship to me, of trying to ‘woo’ me. What was left was my needs to reach out, but grasping that inevitably, all of the feelings you described above in the exchanges would with him would feel like that as well. He felt dangerous. I felt unsafe. Needing to connect with him was high, but I had already gone through so many devaluations, the risks always felt bad. I was a child on a levels reaching out for love from a mother who would respond to me like you described above. How could I feel safe with him? Knowing how he had betrayed me? I became so easy to trigger, hence my great negative fuel reactions.

    I took it all on, that I have an attachement problem. Now I feel I was feeling like I did with my narc mom, just reading some of that here. There was never a warm fountain of love. With him, he had started out all warm and kind but when I saw his mask drop, I knew he was never what he had pretended and he only had ill will for me. But my needs for him hadn’t died . But to ask for love from someone like that above is pure danger….

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    1. You feel safe with them. You believe they are your security base – but they are anything but. I recognised this when he told me that he wasn’t leaving his wife because she needs to feel secure (narcissistic telling). He would have been doing anything but to reduce her to an insecure mess (and still is, after I long left).

      And when I took him to court I didn’t want his voice on the telephone but the judge called him anyway and although he only said yes three times and I enjoyed ‘winning’, I left and found that all I wanted to do was call him up and laugh with him about it. Far out! This man is an abuser and I wanted to hear his voice and laugh with him about the whole charade. That’s what they do to you. Fraudulent security.

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      1. Why does that seem so familiar. The story of calling him up.

        You know, when I was in the height of narc hell, i planned a trip to see my mother. Not to return to a warm embrace. But because I was suddenky understanding that once I was with her, I would shut down and go numb. Sure enough, the second I get off the plane, she throws a criticism my way and I hust feel this wave of death wash over me. I spend the next week feeling wonderfully empty. Like a cardboard cut out. It was oddly a huge relief from the emotions the narc was churning up. An empty security.

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  5. ‘You were an accident & not wanted. Your father raped me & I got pregnant with you. I sat on the swings at a local park in the rain hoping I (we) would die.’

    ‘You are forever endebted to me for your existence.’

    37 years after being told this I am still her carer. Another piece of believing I didn’t matter. Through this site I have recognised my Mother is a N. Strong Victim & some Cerebral traits. ☹️ Now elderly & brain injured, she still tries to undermine anything positive & tries to play me off against my brother.(the golden child) No wonder exN used to say he liked my Mum’s comments. He knew what she was. Just when I thought there couldn’t be much more to understand…
    Thankyou again HG. It should never have been like this for any of us.

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  6. & I know it’s off topic of this page a bit but I can’t help but think that the loon here in Melbourne that drove his car into crowds of people on Friday with 5 dying so far is an N. Family violence, drug addiction & mental health history. Looking at his fb pics & footage of behaviour, a lesser somatic that obviously doesn’t know what he is & throw in an ice addiction = disaster…

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    1. J.R. That reached out and touched us deeply. My birth city and I felt some inspiration from it. I cried for the innocent lives and celebrated that the majority had compassion and the laying of flowers by the hundreds or into the thousand mark with these testing and trying times keeps reminding me that there are compassionate people and there will always be that.

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  7. It is very sad that the one who should protect you from harm was the one causing you harm. There probably is no bigger, more painful betrayal!! And it is equally sad that you chose to become and remain like her. The only option people in your physical vicinity are left with is to stay away from you as much as possible – if they know what you are, that is. A no-win situation.

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  8. “I love you, if you….”.
    ““I love you.”
    “I just thought I would call you and see how you are.”
    “It is my birthday next week and I just wondered if you had anything planned.”
    “I am trying to help you,you know?”
    “I have done so much for you. All I want is some thanks.”
    “It was a joke. You take yourself so seriously.”
    “You were an accident.”
    “That never happened.”
    “We never thought you would leave home.”
    “We hardly ever see you these days.”
    “You weren’t like this when you were little.”

    “I love you, if you….”.
    “I do not love you so much, if….”
    “I do not know bad people. There must be a reason that they treated you like that.”
    (It is your own guilt, of course . You better do not realize, that I use you.)
    “Isn`t it wonderful, that so many people trust you and tell their problems to you. Even adults come to you and ask for advice. It must be a wonderful feeling. “
    (I need you all the time to feed me. Please do not notice, that you are the adult and I am the child.I need you for solving my problems.)
    “Please tell me what happened.”
    (I need to know all about you, so I can better control you.)
    “Oh, I am sorry, but I must disrupt you. I need…..”
    (You have to do what I want. You have no meaning.)
    “I wrote a letter to my friend . She will be happy then.”
    (The friend was dying soon and she asked to send no letters any more.. She wanted to die in peace. She had ALS:
    Look at me, I am still living and you will die. What a lovely feeling. What you think, it does not matter.”
    “I do not understand, do not be so angry. I only sit in your kitchen and watch the trees.”
    (I do what I want. And I do use your flat, whenever I want. You are not allowed to have any intimate place of your own. I am your mother and you belong to me. You are my property. I made you. )
    “We are always late.”
    I am always late. But I deny it. So you must be the one, that is always late. It is your guilt. Not mine.
    “We love bitter chocolate.”
    I do not know what you like. It does not matter to me. You must like the same things like I do.
    “We, we, we……………”
    (There is no I and You. There is always an I, you do not exist at all. You are only an extension of me.

    I need an I;I,I; I, I and I hate and I am furios to an We, We,We,We,We.

    So, I know I am an easy victim of your kind. I need someone who says “I”. I am only happy, when there is no “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

    Crazy, isn`t it?

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  9. I have to add, that my narc was not allowed to sleep in my bed for a three year lasting relationship. He was not allowed to stay over night. And he always said: I cannot come close to you. There is such a strong boundary. I do not understand.
    What a luck for me!!!!!
    When we separated, there was nothing in my flat, nothing, that remembers me of him. It is “clean.” No sad and no happy memories in my little “castle.”

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  10. I am not compatible to a normal relationship. If I hear the word “WE” too often, I run,run,run ….. I am so upset at this moment. I have problems to breathe.
    So, HG you see there are so many different ways to adept. So many, ill and sick ways….
    I am in a prison…

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  11. No, I will never forgive her to use a dieing friend to show all the world, what a loving and caring human she is. This is so disrespectful, this is so egomanic, this is so bad. How blind can someone be to the needs of other people? And all of you know, that ALS is a very bad desease. The friend could not do anything. I really hope, that the children of my mother`;s fried destroyed the letter.

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  12. HG I am really proud of you for being able to speak about these things because most narcissists shut it away yet throw it onto good mothers. I give you that because some Narcissists use it initially for sympathy as in my N2 then start to treat me as the child of the rigorous and corporal parent, that sucks big-time! This stuff is like a cancer, it permeates families and to quote N2’s adoptive parent, it is a (bad egg in the bunch (that is what he was called).

    If you care to listen I would like to give you something very personal, resolved and true.
    You were an accident.
    You were a twin from what they say.
    Uncle Bob (Robert) gave me ten shillings to get rid of you at the backyard abortionist down the lane.
    Your paternal grandfather said, between you two the baby will be little and petite.
    My maternal grandmother (blamed for telling my dad (the only dad I have known and has left me for heaven) because she should have shut her mouth instead of racing home to tell him I was at work and had bled badly, I have never been so embarrassed.
    Your father (hmm which one, PRH speaking now) left work to come to my aid (my dad I have only ever known). By time I got to hospital they said, “whatever was there it isn’t anymore.’ (that’s me PRH) no hangon I am a bit confused oh golly gosh, that must have been my twin because I am sitting here typing!) RIP Twin, love from your sister x
    Two and two makes four: PRH child, very intuitive, very young- always wandering out….living room at night time (Mum, Dad- I am adopted? Mum, Dad are you my Mum and Dad). My first card at age four to my Dad, birdies cut out and pasted with my handwriting, Happy Fathers Day Daddy Why are the birds so sad on Fathers Day (FOUR YEARS OF AGE- reminds I must get that off my mum before she passes). I was gifted, and family resentment all around me, sensed it and I felt it deeply- I was not like them, I was different and I knew it. I had the uncanny ability to speak the truth through the mouth of a babe.
    You were a little demon PRH, I will never forget the time I took you to Myers and people would comment on you alot (Why I asked, because you looked like a little China Doll, very petite and you were a little bastard at times). What happened at Myers Mum, I was carrying you and some man came up to look at you and you little swine, you turned around and bit my face right in front of him, I could have throttled you).
    (I was never struck by my parents, ever lol I was just too cute). I was the shamefile in the flesh, I was the uncanny child that through every concealing episode, had a gift of speaking truth, astounding truths that would leave people with eyes looking sideways around a room of relatives. Still doing it nothing has changed in that regard although what I have found is that I am regarded as the enemy for this discernment, a threat I guess. Who do you think then would be a trophy child x bred with scapegoat? You guessed right.

    I could write forever on my life, as you are doing on yours HG but from what I read, you went one way on the spectrum and I went to the far left, too much empathy, too genuine, too challenging for sheeple people.

    Go with the flow PRH
    Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill PRH
    Oh for Goodness sake you weren’t the only illegitimate child in the world.
    You are too sensitive
    Why don’t you make something of yourself
    You could be anything in life, what is wrong with you (gee sorry but my genetic blueprint came from stock that had autoimmune disease on both sides) He was in a wheelchair at 27, she was dead from SLE by forty) He- the biological father, only child lived to the same age my DAD did- (they both had my mum in common).
    Get over it PRH, build a bridge
    I didn’t actually plan to tell you decades later on APRIL FOOLS DAY it just turned out that way.
    HAHA I did it again….out of the blue I was asked to drive to a park with Mum she had something to tell me- I watched the hesitation, I watched with intense eyes and when she started to speak, I looked to my left and said, I know what you are going to say. Downcast eyes (mum) what’s that PRH? You are going to tell me that Dad isn’t my real Dad! (Shock horror, mortified- how did you know, OMG PRH- smiles, I alway’s know mum). My biggest accomplishment was that I had sat at Mum and Dads dining table a week before and built a topiary rose tree……lol……my secret it flushed out what I knew, down to to my meant to be surname of my paternal father. English heritage, as I thought…..Must have been very trying having such an intuitive child!
    I guess the most hardest day of my entire life was going back to my parents home and looking my beautiful (not paternal dad in the eyes as he sat at the dining room table, expecting this).
    xxxxxxxxxxxxpersonalxxxxxxxxxxxxI never loved you any less than you were my own child and I realised he had saved me, I realised if not for him I would be history. I realised we had a connection that was more than blood, more than secrets and more than life itself. In Memory of my Dad x

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  13. I just read that out to N- lol (NC=No Comment) It’s funny when you see a face turn instantly purple, like the purple people eater lol- Hesitantly, hmmm story of your life PRH, lol I answered, my life cannot be compiled in the time I have left- life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get (FGump).

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