Sins of the Empath : Positivity


Positivity. Positive outlook. Optimism. The empathic individual which is the target for our kind is blessed with positivity. This ingrained positivity allows them to see the good in people, it enables them to find the silver lining in the gathered storm clouds and grants a motivating factor. By adopting a positive outlook in their life, the empathic individual is inspired to achieve more, to dispel the bad and seize on whatever goodness they can identify, even if it is the merest kernel. This trait enables the empathic individual to cast their optimistic eyes over the bleakest of scenarios and see that there is something good which can be learned from the experience, something decent which is in the pipeline and something to be cherished. In its purest form it manifests as a blind optimism and this powers the empathic individual so they are able to overcome what might be regarded as insurmountable by lesser individuals.

This empathic trait causes the relevant person to reflect on what they have learned from an experience, how the occasion was good for them in testing them, causing them to utilise their resources and to work out a way forward when faced with a problem. Whilst a normal individual might bemoan the situation that has befallen them (and indeed our kind would address it by blaming everybody else and leaving them to pick up the pieces), the empathic individual’s innate positivity causes them to see an opportunity. They see the chance to enrich their own experience, to grow as a person and to demonstrate that with positive thought, positive action and positive attitude no problem is too great, no issue is incapable of resolution and no setback is forever.

Whilst being imbued with this sense of positivity allows an empathic individual to demonstrate fortitude, pragmatism and optimism in their lives and thus they bring with them the capacity to enrich the lives of others, the trait of positivity also generates problems when dealing with our kind.

The positivity invariably blinds the empathic person to what they are actually dealing with. The false positivity which we radiated through our love bombing and the golden period convinces the empathic person that we are indeed a ‘good’ person. Thus, when the monster appears during devaluation, rather than see it for what it is, the manipulations and machinations of a twisted and abusive person, the positive empath strives to harness the good which once existed again. This creates a near indefatigable spirit which in turn causes the empathic person to remain in our grip for far longer than is good for them.

Naturally, this is of no concern to us since we want you to remain in our grip. We want you bound to us and your unrelenting belief that the goodness that you have seen can be brought to the fore again is a weakness of this positivity and invariably puts you at risk. When others would retreat in the face of the eroding and savage manipulations, the empathic individual remains positive. Not only do they wish to sweep away the darkness and find the good in us once again, they regard it as a test of their resolve and therefore increase their positive outlook in order to cater with the slings and arrows which are sent their way.

This positivity lend itself to the making of excuses. Rather than realise that they have been entangled by a deceitful, manipulative abuser, the empathic individual will look to environmental factors – such as the fact that we are tired, stressed or over-worked since that must be what it is that is clouding our innate and once seen inner goodness. If those external factors continue to fail to explain our behaviours, the empathic individual will become introspective and consider that the problem has arisen as a consequence of some failing on their part. They consider that they have not shown us enough love, not asked us how our days has gone, not been supportive enough when we have faced a challenge, not cooked our steak correctly and ever more trivial and meaningless excuses which are trotted out in order to maintain a positive outlook and not give in.

By adopting positivity, the empathic individual places stock in the fact that with the right effort and application things will be worked out and once more will be good again. When a respite period is granted by us during the devaluation, the empathic individual will seize on this as evidence of how their positive outlook has reaped rewards. By hanging in there, never giving up and remaining upbeat they have allowed their positivity to shine through and this has saved the day. Once again however, this dedication to remaining positive has caused the empathic person to fail to notice that this is all part of the ongoing manipulation and is just a brief and passing restoration of the illusion that is the golden period and is done to exploit this belief in remaining positive.

Positivity causes the empath to misguidedly believe that we can be fixed and healed. This positive outlook means that when an objective third party points out the reality of the situation to the empath, they smile and thank them for their observation but find an excuse and point to how remaining true to being positive will once again resolve the issues. The viewpoint is one of if you want something enough then the universe will provide it to you and those with a positive outlook do not waste time wondering why things do not happen as they wish, but rather they do something to bring about what they want and to change things. This attitude may be appropriate to securing a promotion at work, saving to purchase your dream home or being thought of as a kind person by your friends, but it only serves to blind you to what you have been entangled with when it comes to our kind.

It means you are enmeshed with us for longer than you ought to be. It means you suffer the devaluation and all of its awful outcomes to a greater degree than you should. It means that you remain highly susceptible to being hoovered post discard because you believe that we will ultimately see the error of our ways and that we will recognise we have done wrong so that we return to the wonderful, loving and charming person that once seduced you.

Those with this empathic trait in intense amounts will not countenance the manifestation of negativity. They will fight down their anger and replace it with concern. They will dissolve their frustration and exhibit caring instead. This sublimation of emotions only serves to encourage our devaluation as we strive to shatter the positivity and see the tears, the hurt and the despair. Your rejection of negativity means you will not hear ill spoken of us, you will not blame us for what we do and rather than take heed of the negative thoughts which will and do manifest in your mind, you try to force them to one side by engaging in your trait of positivity.

This is a dangerous path to tread. Not only does it blind you to what we are and bind us toย you for longer, it means that ultimately you are setting yourself up for devastating disappointment. When the full force of our machinations have been unleashed against you and your considerable coping abilities have been stretched beyond endurance, once this all comes crashing down, the height from which you maintained your positivity means that your fall is all the harder, longer and more painful.

When that discard takes you by surprise, you plummet from your perch of positivity and crash into the dirt, bewildered, exhausted and drained. Yet, it does not take long for this positive trait to re-appear as you soon begin to apply it again, making excuses for why we disappeared, making plans for how matters can be resolved if we just sit down and have a constructive conversation together and how it was good for you to experience this despair, because now you know more than you once did and you can apply this learned experience to your and our advantage by winning us back and helping us with our problems. You can tease out that inner goodness because you will not allow yourself to think it does not exist. To do so offends your sense of positivity.

Negative thoughts however can serve a positive purpose for you, if only you would listen to them. Negative thoughts such as fear manifest to tell you to protect yourself, to defend yourself and to get away from the danger. You however remain in the firing line because you reject the negative and embrace the positive. A negative thought such as feeling unappreciated, lonely or hurt should be recognised as a warning and acted upon, however, the strength of your positivity will invariably override this until it is too late. Indeed, there are those whose degree of positivity is so great that they have become deluded as to what we are and how dangerous we are to you. They are blinded and no matter how often we dole out our cruel treatments, no matter how often others point out the harm that is being caused, they cannot see it because of the effect of their innate positivity.

To do so is indeed a sin in the context of being ensnared with our kind.

The positivity which you should embrace ought to be applied to yourself; that your encounter with us should cause you to learn what we are and how to avoid and evade us in the future.

21 thoughts on “Sins of the Empath : Positivity

  1. This reminds me very much of “Adam’s apples”:
    This movie goes deep into this topic and will lead to a lot of laughter and tears if you watch it. Warning: happy, hopeful ending. Not real life. But something you can use to stay positive in a very twisted way, as it does encourage one to become or stay a biblical Job-like person. Funny how many victims of narcissistic abuse believe in god.

  2. Sunshine says:

    Hi – that last paragraph about listening to negative thoughts and feelings – really paying attention to them and processing them is so, so important, I think it should be expanded into it’s own article. I think it is as important as having good boundaries you’re prepared to stand firm to.

    I so wish I’d listened to and trusted my gut feelings, and thoughts. i wouldn’t necessarily replace them with positive thoughts, but I’d suppress them.

    Please, HG, could you write a blog post on this?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have made a note to do so Sunshine.

  3. Sunshine says:

    HG (autocorrect back to ‘Gag’ again) – I don’t entirely agree about this ‘positivity’ being inbuilt. I can only truly speak for myself in this regard, but for me it is a learnt thing. I’ve had to learn (or am still learning) to train my thought processes in this way. The comments I’ve made previously on your blog about things being a learning experience etc all come from me wanting to think this way, and believing in the power and potential of thinking this way, rather than it being inherent. I am not a natural optimist.

    As for your comments about negative thoughts and feelings- very, very good. I’m reading and commenting on the run, do will read properly later. But I will say that one thing I have learnt through my fun with my primary narc is:- listen to your gut!

  4. I tried to be positive because i didn’t know why he was pulling away. I thought i should be on my best behavior, hence the positivity.

  5. I see this so clearly with a friend who is involved with a narcissist. My ex was the evil narcissistic psychopath.

    But her man is the sweet vulnerable depressed one. I see through him. It’s always about him but she is holding onto that hope that once he rids himself completely of his evil ex wife, he will be available to her. She sad, lonely and depressed because he won’t see her. But she’s oh so understanding. I’ve sent her some articles but to no avail. She believes him.

    1. Maria says:

      ohhhhhh.. poor thing is your friend.

  6. Hope says:

    Love covers a multitude of sins- 1 Peter 4:8
    To his last day I believed I was doing the right thing.
    He couldn’t accept love. The truth doth hurt.

  7. Kit says:

  8. MsSevyn says:

    I wouldn’t change being positive and hopeful for anything, even if it created the heartaches I’ve felt along the way. I love meeting an N who says they’re positive and upbeat. They’re mirroring the qualities they seek most from you. There was a time when I thought my ex lit me up when he walked in the room. I had it backwards.

    1. Kit says:


  9. acushla1977 says:

    Honest, truth seeking, positive, not to mention empathetic. The empath seems too good to be true. The number of such people that I’ve met is in the single digits. In fact maybe not more than one. Could even be zero (Love that negativity ๐Ÿ˜€), because I am not all that sure about this individual.

    1. acushla1977 says:

      By the way, I do hope my comments don’t come across as critical. Your blog is fantastic.

      I came across your blog, looking for resources on how to deal with gaslighting. I have my narcissist, just like many here.

      Your blog and your books, are the closest to describing reality, that I’ve come across yet. Unfortunately, most of the other literature I’ve read, except for one other writer, all seem to portray narcissists as overgrown toddlers who throw a lot of tantrums. My narcissist is way more subtle and diabolical. She looks like a perfect angel to mostly everyone. And she doesn’t fit the descriptions in any mainstream book on narcissism.

      I’m trying to figure out why you seem to be so right and the others so way off. Hence the comments and questions.

  10. Lou says:

    Yes, I am a big sinner in this respect. Am changing though
    “The positivity which you should embrace ought to be applied to yourself”
    Great advise. Will do.

  11. Maria says:

    So true.
    But ” someone” has stripped me bare…

  12. Ollie says:

    Aren’t we awesome!

  13. Excellent article, HG. Makes me think of the “Law Of Attraction” for positive thinking that many of us believe in. Sounds like it’s leading us in the wrong direction.

    After reading what you wrote just now, am going to reconstruct my thinking skills & consider negative thoughts a warning to heed. – Instead of making excuses for others’ bad behaviors & negativity. Thank you.
    ~ Hope

  14. Claire says:

    That explains a lot. I’ve felt that I’ve had anger issues but on the opposite scale. I’ve been asked the question are you angry at HIM? The answer is no. I’ve struggled to understand why. Perhaps this is part of the answer!

  15. True. I want to believe ๐Ÿ‘ฝ
    Yes I really felt everything you said. I look for the good in people to my own detriment. You are right. I should realize that verbal abuse is a warning. I did feel it – the warning inside. I did pull back. Then I went right back to justification of the behavior.
    Sometimes I think I want the lie. I want to believe we made it. I want to believe you loved me. ๐Ÿ˜ญ If I tried harder, I just know you could be good too, like me. That is what is left. It feels undone. You make me feel like it’s never over because it isn’t. You keep coming back to haunt me. I want so bad to let you go. But if you disappear I will be alone. You were the one who got me. You were the one that paid attention to me. You said we’d be okay. You lied and it crushed me. Now I can never get to tell you that I forgive you and then you tell me you didnโ€™t mean to hurt me and we will live happily ever after๐Ÿ’™. How did you paralyze me again after all these years? Why did I let you?

    Everyone says it wasn’t my fault.

    HG this post makes me feel like it was.

    That I ignored the warning. That I am to blame for being positive. Is that true? Was it my fault? I was young. I did not know what it was about. Am I still to blame because I was targeted? If I would have been mean and fought would I be not guilty? Because I thought what he said he meant so I am to blame? Those are not rhetorical questions. Is it how you wanted the article to come off?
    Spending a lifetime within your grip It is a sorry state. I am imprisoned and holding the key ๐Ÿ— I just have to let myself go. I just have to let you go ๐ŸŽˆ

  16. Sarabella says:

    And how some empaths became this way? Abuse. Awful, painful emotional, sexual and/or psychological abuse. Some learn to paper over the same pain and hurt that led you to become what you are and instead, we became what we are. I am thankfully not so extreme in what you described. I started to provoke to see what the narc was really made of quite early and it was ugly. I was out of it in many ways in 9 months. But it was 9 months of too much and then 2 more years of undoing it all. But I did not react properly to my first feeling of pain and hurt he caused because I was caught so off guard by how it happened. The juxtaposition of the before and after that first pivotal moment was what allowed it all to happen. I have a pretty zero tolerance policy now that I am building. Never again. And if I ever happen to smell any New Ager, and We are One or any We all Have Shadows type people, I am GONE. Just gone. I am not going to be abused anymore by that cult like mentality. I know why I developed this ‘habit’ you describe. And it was ironically a result of a narc mother. Oh the irony.

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