Smile For Me

smile-for-me

I just love that special smile of yours. I know that the first time I saw you displaying it that I wanted it for myself. I wanted to be the recipient of that smile and I wanted it so badly, oh so very badly that I went for you with ferocious determination. I watched as it slowly formed, your delectable lips twisting upwards and then parted to allow your teeth to be seen. Many animals bare their teeth as a warning to others to stay back, but not you. As you revealed your teeth and your smile widened into a grin I watched transfixed. I could see the effect it had on those near you. I could see how they felt happier for seeing your smile. I detected it in their faces, in their reactions and if I had been close enough I have little doubt that I would have been able to hear their pleasure and joy as you allowed them to bask in the warmth of your smile. It was inclusive. You showed it to everyone sat around that table and nobody was missed out. You did not break into laughter. That would almost have been vulgar and spoilt scintillating effect of the way you conveyed such emotion to others near you. I continued to watch from my position across the bar as the words of whoever it was I was with that night, I cannot recall now, became nothing but white noise. I only allowed myself to hear her expressions of irritation at how I was distracted by you.

I made my excuses, feigning illness and dispatched whoever it was I was with, I cannot recall now, in a taxi with an already broken promise to call whoever it was, I cannot recall now and once that person who I cannot now recall had gone I returned to the restaurant. I positioned myself next to your table, sat at the bar and allowed myself to eavesdrop on the conversation that you were engaged in as I allowed myself a closer examination of your smile. It appeared frequently and never diminished in its brilliance. It was engaging, captivating and I had to have it. With customary ease I allowed myself to join your table once the dining had been concluded on the pretext of making a point arising from something you had said. I had already established from the body language around the table that none of the attending men were accompanying you and the behaviour of the other women indicated they were no more than friends. No ring rested on your wedding finger and you responded to my polite intrusion with a brief flash of that smile. I knew the drawbridge was down and the portcullis was up.

Accordingly, I made your smile mine and how I revelled in those perfect lips as they moved into that glorious smile. I had known fuller lips but yours were certainly not what I would call thin. Your left cheek dimpled when you smiled broadly and thereafter I knew that your smile was only truly for me. Yes, you smiled for others and I was proud of you for doing so, allowing them to experience it but only at a fraction of what was reserved for me. I was the sole recipient of the full magnitude of that smile and its amazing effect. You conveyed so much to me with your smile. The times you smiled at me in supportive admiration as I held forth at dinner parties, your appreciative smile when I did something for you, the sensual smile when you knew that our sexual congress was looming, the amazed smile when I stunned you with yet another example of my brilliance, your satisfied smile when you looked at me across the living room from where you were reading a book, safe and content in our world where your smile was mine and nobody else’s. I relished seeing your sleepy smile when I turned to you in the morning and gently kissed you on the nose. I delighted when you contacted me using your video capability on your ‘phone and you deliberately showed only your smiling mouth. Countless times I would record you doing so and play the footage back when I sat alone and relished the sensation which washed over me as I watched.

What made your smile so special was the fact that you gave it willingly to me. You told me that nobody had made your smile as much as I had. I took no issue with that for I knew it was something that I was entirely capable of. Your sweet, illuminating smile belonged to me, was engaged for me and existed just for me. I worked so hard to ensure that your mouth gave me that smile again and again and again. It sustained me and invigorated me, turning a moment of weakness into one of edifying strength in but a moment. I can truly say that nobody else has had a smile which has such an effect on me as yours. I saw what it did for other people and I knew that they were only experiencing a small percentage of what I felt because the true power and radiance of that smile was kept just for me because you understood me, you knew how I needed it and you were content and delighted to provide it to me. It was a beautiful smile, a beguiling smile, an admiring smile, a playful smile, an engaging smile, an enticing smile, an uplifting smile and so much more but above all else it was your special smile. Special for me.

Most of all though I cherished your smile because better than anyone else you knew how to hide everything behind that smile. I knew this is what you did and I knew he began teaching you to do so all that time ago. I made sure  that you continued to use your smile in this way. I completed your learning. Now it cloaked everything that the world did not need to know about. I made your smile extra-special didn’t I?

Advertisements

49 thoughts on “Smile For Me”

  1. Hmm, well, I was definitely not picked for my smile because I rarely do so. I have resting bitch face and I like it that way. 😀 I’ve always said those that walk around smiling only do so because they are too stupid to realize how screwed up the world and people in general really are. It must have been my sparkling personality…Hahahahaha I slay myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re content to help us, as a by-product of your broader goals, but how about helping these exes of yours?

    Whether you are capable of remorse or not, you know what you’ve done to them is wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You have to apologise because you *owe* them an apology, you owe them closure. And I am talking about a true apology, not the kind of ‘sorry, not sorry’ nonsense.

        Not the apologies I first got from my narc, when he was trying to reframe the event to fit his story and make him appear in a better light, when he shifted the blame onto me, when he downplayed what happened, when he said it was ‘for my own good’, when he tried to wiggle himself out of the responsibility. NONE OF THAT BS!! I hounded him with circular conversations until we reached the core, the truth of the matter, until he was trapped in the corner with no way out… until I got an apology as truthful as he was capable of.

        So, I am talking about a real apology here, an admission of what exactly you did wrong, just the truth. And you owe it to each and everyone of them… even the one who can no longer hear it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It was a question, not a statement: “and how about helping these exes of yours?”

        Of course they are fuel. Stale fuel, but available to hoover at a later date. Yadda yadda yadda. Yes, I get it.

        But you are a Greater Narcissist. Not only that, you are a self-aware narcissist. You are intelligent, powerful, apparently, you know the difference between right and wrong. Not only that, by virtue of your rare abilities as a self-aware Greater Narc, you can override your urge to keep stale fuel in the larder and play with it intermittently in order to ‘do the right thing’.

        You know you’re capable of it.

        What do you think ‘doing the right thing’ by these exes means?

        Like

      3. Matilda, I don’t think he should apologise to them.

        I’m really interested to know what HG thinks the right thing to do is.

        Like

      4. It only prevails, this time, because you cannot be made to do what you ought to do, and this irritates me greatly.

        You did wrong, HG! You have to apologise. That is the order of things, one of the key rules of conduct. ‘I am sorry’ – just as important as ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.

        Like

      5. I ought to do nothing. I did what was required. You are trying to impose your world view onto me when it is not applicable. It is not the order of things nor is it a key rule of conduct.

        Like

      6. Try to keep in mind “They” DO NOT apologize unless it is to draw you back in and then proceed to devalue/punish you (ONCE AGAIN) for a fuel fix. Wrong from our perspective, but true….

        Like

      7. Someone not saying sorry when they have caused hurt is not acceptable to me. But I can see that no common ground is to be found on this subject, and we will have to leave it at that.

        Like

    1. Ok, last last comment and then I take my oath.
      Sunshine, his exes are still fuel. Why would he shoot himself in the foot by helping them?
      Btw, Mr. Tudor, I was going to proclaim that my writing inspired this article. But then I saw you wrote it before I came onboard. Yet I will still take credit for telepathically inspiring you. You are welcome.

      Like

    1. I think I do, too! 👄👄👄 I am not sure because unless I am presently looking at myself in a mirror, I have no knowledge of what I look like. There is nothing to analyze, just depersonalization issues. Here are my lips: 💋💋💋

      Like

  3. I understood that “smiling” bearing one’s teeth, amongst animals (humans ARE of Animal Kingdom) is actually a primitive sign of submissive…. hmmm, a Sub… different interp here for myself anyway… please, comment away…

    Like

  4. Thiss…is beautiful. It’s,also so well-written, it seems you have enough talent to win a pulitzer. I’m going to have to start purchasing your books! Do you allow others to answer your,questions?

    Like

  5. *Bares teeth in a manner that will never reach the eyes.* Does a smile that doesn’t reach the eyes bother you, HG? Anyone can raise their mouth to pretend a smile, but they can be faked too. Watch the eyes.

    Like

  6. H.G.
    Wonderful article once again. My ex after a devaluation or when I had a look of concern, which became most of the time, would always say “smile”. I found myself saying often, “I don’t feel like smiling” somehow that would always make him smile. Eerie but true.
    I found this short explanation of what a narc truly feels after a discard, or is it throughout the relationship? H.G. how true do you think this is?

    “The psychopath carefully selects the most indifferent and heartbreaking way imaginable to abandon you. They want you to self-destruct, cleaning up any loose ends as they begin the grooming process with their latest victim. They destroy you as a way to reassure themselves that their new target is better. But more importantly, they destroy you because they hate you. They despise your empathy and love-qualities they must pretend to feel every single day. To destroy you is to temporarily silence the nagging reminder of the emptiness that consumes their soul.”
    Thanks again for all you are doing for us. . . .

    Like

  7. H.G. I have a question. I know you refer to us as an appliance and that is how you can sum up your lack of emotion and feelings towards your partner/gf/wife.. whatever. You also said some of your kind liked nice jewelry expensive cars..etc. Things that brought about envy and jealousy from others. Do/did you or is it possible to look at a woman and think wow.. she is beautiful and she wants me?!?! Were you ever swayed by a woman’s looks? As women we are drawn by looks or confidence…it draws us in…. other than strictly ‘fuel’ is there anything else??

    Like

    1. I can easily appreciate that someone is beautiful but it automatically translates into how that fits into my needs for fuel, residual benefits and character traits. It always goes against that matrix.

      Like

      1. H. G.To piggy back off Katie’s comment, do you have a particular body type for a woman when you first target her? For example are you drawn to tall blonds most of the time as opposed to petite brunettes?

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s