Fuel Me Once

fuel-me-once

Fuel is the very thing that I must have. It is through fuel that I function and exist. I regard all emotional energy as sustenance. A lack of emotion causes me considerable concern and this will ultimately result in my detachment and me seeking the same from an alternative and more reliable source. There are those that suggest that I derive fuel from certain inanimate objects, for instance, status symbols. I drive an expensive car, wear the tailor-made suit and live in a large house and all of that apparently provides me with fuel. It is true that we covet these things as they accord with our sense of entitlement. They also enable us to demonstrate to the wider world our success and achievement. We crave such materialistic representations of success. However, my kind and I do not desire the Rolex watch, Ipad or diamond encrusted mobile telephone in themselves. We want those items because of the responses that they create in other people.

Those who see us drive by in a Bentley convertible invariably stand and stare open-mouthed. That reaction to our prestige provides us with the fuel we need. The admiring glances that we draw when we walk through the department at work in one of our excellent suits, provide us with fuel. The compliments we receive for the style of shoes, the holiday cottage we own and the extravagant party that he have laid on are all sources of fuel to us. Inanimate objects are the platforms for the provision of our fuel. Whilst some people will marvel at our choice of motor vehicle, there are others who will express jealousy and envy. Those reactions are most welcome as well. The cutting comments that accompany a green-eyed stare are lost on us. The words evaporate because it is the emotion that is bundled up inside those words and the baleful stare that we want.

Our fascination and reliance on the inanimate object and the part it plays in the provision of fuel does not end however with what you may regard as traditional inanimate objects. The most effective inanimate object which provides us with fuel is you. How can we regard a person as an inanimate object? In the same way that the words in a scathing comment dissipate as we seize on the emotion, the identity of those providing us with fuel, slips to one side as we savour the fuel that we can extract. Those of you who we seduce and draw into our world where we can draw deep on your fuel stand to be regarded as nothing more than an appliance. We see no person. We recognise no identity. We see a machine that has one purpose and one purpose alone. The provision of fuel for us.

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31 thoughts on “Fuel Me Once”

  1. This need for fuel (emotion) from outside of yourself is so hard for me to get my head around. I cannot imagine the emptiness of being that must be your existence. But then you say you are filled with a never ending sense of fury and envy where we experience the entire spectrum of emotions. I am beginning to imagine that your inner life is like being locked inside an eternal hell. You cannot afford yourself the luxury of enjoying another human being as we do. You need to use them for your insatiable need for emotional fuel and in doing so you drain them of all that makes them the lovely empathic human being that they are. It’s all so sad but so insidious at the same time.

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  2. HG I WAS DISCARDED NOW IM HOVERED AGAIN AFTER 1 MONTH NOW HE BACK I DISCARD HIM 5 MONTHS AGO NOT TO MUCH CONTACT HE CHANGED HIS # NO CONTACT NOW HE BACK CONTACT SOME HOOVER SOME TRAINGATIE, BUT NOTHING FOR 1 MONTH WHY CONTACT NOW IM TIRED OF THIS ITS BEEN NOTHING WHY NOW ?

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  3. do you ever wish you were different? do you wish you knew what love is? do you have any empathy for yourself? or are you content to be a doomed walking tragedy hell bent on dragging any one you can down with you? …or are you just ‘this way’ and it is set in stone….I think so.

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  4. When you are answering questions on this blog, H.G., or even moderating all the comments, are you feeling fury? Boredom? I know that there is not much fuel to be gained here, and you probably answer some of the same questions over, and over, and month, after month… I was just wondering what you generally feel when you are moderating your blog. Thank you for your consideration in answering my questions on this blog, for your patience 🕯, and for doing all this.

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  5. Why did you decide to get married? I read she was very beautiful and I guess her family was rich. Was she like your expensive car? Would she add prestige and reinforce your construct? What made you want to marry her?

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      1. That’s not all HG. I asked the same thing several months back. You said her fuel was different and stronger than anyone prior and you did hope that would make the difference to make it last. Then add in the construct and other factors.

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      2. Would you consider writing an article (or have you already done so) on why narcissists marry? I think once I was a trophy wife, I have read it is so you can live what looks to be a normal and respectable life. 2nd husband said, “you’re that dream girl”…we had met in high school. Is the madonna/whore complex a real thing and the narc marries his madonna? Is his selected wife the closest thing he feels toward love? Or is she just another table, hammer, appliance. Can/will a cerebral be faithful? So many questions on the marriage piece. …have been told my divorce is “illegal” and “we are bound together tighter than s%*t.”. I have read about and understand the narc contract/covenant. Can you expound on this from the perspective of marriage and WHY? Are super empaths prime targets for marriage, even though we escape most often? Sorry, I have many questions on this. Being hoovered again and wondering if lesser-mid narc could ever control his rages. Losing Head vs. Heart battle.

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      3. HG, do you believe the order is right? The order is : boost the facade, advancement career wise, and BINDING. Please do not use the word “binding”. In your world it has a different meaning. “Estate” or “Owning” would fit better.

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      4. I did not state it in any particular order.

        I use the word binding because in my world it has precisely the meaning I attribute to it which accurate conveys what we do to you and how marriage is part of that process.

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      1. Hi Scout. He was married for about 4 years. There is an article he wrote on his wedding but I do not remember the title. Sorry.

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  6. I’m reading your book “Fuel”. Angry gesture, angry words, are among your top four ways of receiving fuel.

    My question is – how do you differentiate between anger and criticism?

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