The Narcissistic Truths – No 6 (Expanded)

we-see-you

You want to be someone to my kind and me.

That will not happen.

You are a something to us, not a someone.

I do not relate to you. Why should I? I regard myself as superior, elevated and special. The petty concerns which govern your life do not apply to me. I do not do accountability. Certainly I have some understanding of what it means to be you, after all I have listened to you tell me so many times about how you feel and I have watched you and others like you so often. I do not feel it however. I cannot put myself in your shoes. I do not want to and even if I did, I am unable to do so because I neither have that emotional empathy or the even stronger emotional contagion that you experience.

Yes, I can see the differences between you and her, him and them. I can see the contrasts in height, body shape, she has green eyes and you have blue eyes, he has no hair and he has dreadlocks. I recognise physical attractiveness, I see the different clothes that you wear, the variances in shoes worn, jewellery displayed and such like. I notice all of that but that does not make you more of a person to me. It is merely the distinction between a washing machine that is white and one which is silver.

Take my television which is placed at the far end of the main sitting room. It is a Samsung Curved SUHD HDR Dot Smart TV 78″ television that I primarily watch sport on. It provides me with a picture which is in pinsharp crikey vision with a scintillating array of colours. The sound is impressive and it looks sleek and attractive. It delivers an outstanding display and therefore delivers what I require of it.

Take you as my primary source. I can see that you stand 5ft 9″ in height, you are slender, with pale skin and long brown hair to the small of your back, which becomes slightly wavy towards the end. Your face is oval. Your eyes are green. You look sleek and attractive. You are an outstanding display of physical attractiveness. I know all this but your primary purpose if to provide me with positive fuel and you do so impressively. You therefore deliver that I require of you.

You are no different to my television. You are there to provide a function. You are to deliver in accordance with the Prime Aims, which are the provision of fuel, character traits and residual benefits. If you do and you so in a fulsome manner, you are a high functioning appliance. If you do not, you are a malfunctioning one.

You and the television are there to do things for me, because I am entitled to that.

I press your buttons by seducing you or later provoking you and you must churn out fuel for me. You at the time of the golden period are my favourite appliance. I have many appliances, other objects which spew out fuel in varying quantities and differing potencies. I have connected all of these appliances to me because again my objectification of you is also linked to the need to exert control. If I want to eat some toast, I place two slices of bread in my Alessi toaster and press the lever down, adjust the relevant control to govern the degree of toasting required and a minute or two later I have two perfectly toasted slices. It works each and every time. I control it. It does what i want. It does not refuse to toast my bread, it does not only toast one side, it does not fire the bread back at me or instead produce a different outcome altogether by presenting me with a leg of lamb. I expect you to be equally compliant and effective. I do not understand why you should not be. You are there to do what I want, I am entitled to receive the Prime Aims and since I installed you as my primary source, you should be delivering them repeatedly, consistently and without interruption. I am not interested in the vagaries of your life which impacts upon your ability to function because of my sense of entitlement, my notion of superiority and of course my incessant needs and demands.

Objects are far easier to control. They are installed, powered and they function. If they stop functioning then they are thrown away and they are replaced. Accordingly, when you stop delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims you suffer the same fate. I do not have time to repair you, you are put to one side and a better, shinier, more effective model takes your place. How did I ever manage without it? Why did I put up with you as a faltering appliance for so long?

You may look at your replacement and wonder why on earth that appliance has been chosen over you. It might be because you gave everything you could to us. It might be because you can see that you are more capable, more interesting, more intelligent and better looking than your replacement. Perhaps you are, perhaps those distinguishing features are there, but you were not delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims and your replacement is doing so which means that they are infinitely superior to you. You are dispensable. Ally the fact that we see you and others as objects with our necessity for performance, our lack of remorse and conscience and you can understand (or maybe begin to understand) why we find it so easy to dis-engage with you and place you on the scrap heap and choose another appliance with such ease.

If you end a relationship, you may be concerned to ensure that the other person is not too devastated, that they are doing okay because even though you may not want to be in a Formal Relationship longer you largely still care about the well-being of another human being. To us that is pointless. Why use your energy dealing with something that is ineffective? That is a waste of time.

Your objectification makes it far easier for us to function. By regarding you as just another object which is there to perform for us, that is to be controlled by us and can be readily replaced when we deem it necessary, we achieve our aims far more readily. Performance and control are key and this is what objects do. Whether it is an ornament which looks beautiful and we can place where we want, to a motor vehicle which delivers us from A to B or a dishwasher which provides us with clean and streak free shining glasses, we control them all and they perform.

This objectification extends into how we regard different objects. For example, when you are seduced and embedded as the intimate partner primary source, you are our most prized possession. You are the one which will give us the necessary positive fuel each and every day in large amounts and with considerable potency. This means you will be looked after, you will be treated well, you will be paraded and shown off, like some prize piece of art or an expensive necklace. You will be placed carefully on that pedestal, polished, cleaned and maintained.

The tertiary source which works in the garage where we fill up with petrol every week is like an old teddy bear. We always say hello and receive a pleasant dollop of positive fuel as we feign interest in this person’s humdrum life. We have known this person for years and like that teddy bear, we see no need to thrown them away, not yet, but nor do we regard there as being any necessity for maintenance. Accordingly, the corresponding teddy bear has a eye missing, some stuffing is spilling from inside and the fur has faded.

In the same way that one is careful with a delicate and expensive mirror, we will treat our appliances in the same way. Some can be kicked to one side, scuffed and stained, like a pair of old trainers, others are handled with care until we decide otherwise. Our appliances in our fuel network are regarded and handled in differing ways.

The trophy appliances, the primary source in the golden period or the longstanding inner circle successful friends who are non-intimate secondary sources, are displayed and shown off regularly. The much maligned familial non-intimate secondary source, a scapegoated sibling or child, is the hideous jumper that is only ever worn when it really has to be done and is otherwise derided and ridiculed. Our Lieutenants are our tools, the devices which we depend on to do our bidding as they are deployed to achieve our aims.

Our objectification of you is necessary for the purposes of maintaining control and achieving the Prime Aims. This objectification is achieved because of our lack of empathy. I no sooner can relate to how an iMac feels as to how you feel. I have no concern about whether my Mont Blanc pen feels. It is there to perform. I have a vested interest in you feeling for the purposes of providing fuel, but I am not concerned as to how you feel because I cannot empathise with you.

This objectification manifests not just in how we parade you as a trophy, devalue you without any concern for the impact on you and then how we dis-engage and replace you, but also in the way we interact with you. The use of pet names Pet is a way of dehumanising you. We refer to you as her, she, he and him, rather than your actual name, stripping you of identity (see It for an extreme method of doing so). We reject the legitimacy of your needs and desires by placing ours first. A fridge freezer has no aspirations, no life plan or goals and we reject their applicability to you also. This objectification appears in how we interact with you, especially during devaluation

“Just do it.”

“Do what I want.”

“Get on with it.”

“Stop disobeying me.”

“You will do it or else.”

There is no asking, no politeness, no consideration given. We do not ask the washing machine if it wouldn’t mind washing our clothes so why would we ask you if you wouldn’t mind doing something for us?

You and everybody else, from our parents to our friends, to our colleagues to our children are all objects which are expected to do our bidding. Perform and we will keep you. Fail and you are replaced.

Now, why is there a flashing light on your forehead?

 

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43 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No 6 (Expanded)”

  1. And this is why I do not let myself show emotion with you (except anger that has nothing to do with you personally). What I vent, I vent. I never expect anything.

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  2. “Ally the fact that we see you and others as objects with our necessity for performance, our lack of remorse and conscience and you can understand (or maybe begin to understand) why we find it so easy to dis-engage with you and place you on the scrap heap and choose another appliance with such ease.”…..this fact has my head spinning, but I appreciate the hard truth you deliver, like a cold glass of water thrown in my face…if only I could believe that you see me this way (as an appliance!??!)….then I could leave for good. It is my own fault as you say, because armed with the icy facts you present, I have options and still choose to stay; (I don’t believe you really). But when you say I am an appliance, it does help me to grasp the devastating truth a bit easier….your blog posts give so much value…. even though you are a cold- hearted monster.

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  3. Hugs, hg. I’m sorry this is how you have to relate to humans. I know it must be hard. You’re an inspiration to me, as you know, that even though you can’t personally feel empathy for us, you have a supreme self mastery that allows you to help us and not further victimize us, and for that, i thank you.

    I wonder if you’ve thought of helping develop a program for prison rehab? I hope you have a great week.

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      1. Re rehab, the only reason i mention it is that i think with your insight, it may help them. I guess if it isn’t a program based on resisting the npd urges though, it might not help. But certainly the vast amount of work you’ve done should be helpful to therapists when considering their tactics in such environments.

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  4. This is the most valuable post you have ever written. I have known you have viewed us as objects, but until I read this post, it didn’t really hit home. I still have trouble grasping how you don’t miss people-objects, especially when there are some people-objects quite unlike the others in what they can offer you. Don’t you notice that different people-objects draw out different aspects of yourself by way of your interactions? Don’t you miss experiencing those things? But I guess if fuel is fuel is fuel is fuel, then those experiences are of little import. And, anyway, when a shiny new people-object you’ve invested so much time in sees thru the facade, they simply have to go immediately because it abruptly shuts off the fuel provision. A major annoyance as all that energy put into the seduction has gone to waste. The shiny new people-object is thus thrown into the scrap heap without a thought. As if they never existed. This is the most unsettling and bewildering aspect of you people in my opinion. This is the behavior that makes us believe you are not a member of our species. This is how I knew that there was something deeply deeply wrong with you. And this is why I believe that the best thing for all of you and for all of us is to collect all of your kind up, put you on an island, and let you abuse, manipulate, and destroy one another to your heart’s content. This will allow us to have our peace without worrying about being scammed by others all the time, and will allow us enjoy our genuine love & intimacy with those that can understand and appreciate it.

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  5. Makes perfect sense. It’s because you were inoculated against emotion from such a young age. Don’t feel….rely on yourself, trust no one, you couldn’t fight, flee or attach to a human for help. You took the only way out, don’t need anyone or anything and you will not be let down. Of course you have a creature living in your basement now, but hey, better than being abandoned or dead. Works for you. Masquerade us all.

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    1. But they don’t just flee people, staying independent of them in order to protect themselves from perceived threats. That would be noble. Instead they actively prey on innocent people from the outset. So cry me a river. Yes, their behavior may be an instinctual response born out of abuse but they still know exactly what they are doing. And they know they hurt others with their behavior but they don’t care. No one puts a gun to their head and forces them to abuse others. They do it because it makes them feel good. That’s why my empathy for them is cut short. I used to want to help them but I no longer do. I actually don’t want them to get help anymore. I want them to continue to live as pathetic scheming addicts and weakly slaves to our attention. I want them to continue to live without the knowledge of love and true emotional intimacy. I want them to continue to live without experiencing the satisfaction of personal growth and development. These are all fantastic punishments for the searing pain and hurtful confusion they spread everywhere they go. Please, let them continue to believe they are “winning” and above us all and please let me continue to witness them play their pathetic games. It’s wonderful revenge and it makes me all the more appreciative of who I am and appreciative of all the genuinely decent people in the world who couldn’t behave this way if they tried.

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  6. Very insightful and enlightening article, HG! My narcissist and I have always been very polite with each other. Is this because secondary sources, including IPSS and DS enjoy an extended golden period? What I did notice is sporadic, intermittent, and compartmentalized use.

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  7. How do you fancy that Alessi toaster? Which model? 🙂

    By the way, I’ve heard narcissist being described as objects themselves, because they have no more feeling/emotion than a house plant. What do you make of that?

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      1. You missed the point. An object can “do” something, like a vacuum. But it doesn’t feel those bits of detritus it sucks up, like a narc doesn’t feel anything for his victim(s).

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      2. But scout i think you’re missing his point. A lot of these people are extremely gifted, and so they are the successful ones. They don’t need others; others need them. Therefore, in their mind, i guess, they are the actors on stage, and those whom they choose to surround themselves with are merely props. It doesn’t make sense to ask a narc if he’s just a prop, because by their very nature, they cannot see themselves as such, and often aren’t just accessories in the first place. (For the unsuccessful ones in life, i feel pretty bad for. Lol) also, you’re asking if they feel for their victims, again another impossible task, because if they could feel for them, they wouldn’t do what they do. It’s better to try to perceive their world through their eyes in order to make any progress in understanding them or their actions than to view them through our lenses, which is impossible to do. And the best way to learn is to start by forgiving. Once we move past the point of being angry, we can start to search for real answers that will help us both. 🙂

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  8. If it is so easy to replace somebody like a toaster or a TV and you get always and without problems the best source for your fuel – why is a narc still not happy?

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  9. I saw you recently mention that there are sociopathic narcissists and just normal narcisists. Is there much difference?
    Also, have you ever ‘set traps’ around the house?
    E.g. leaving out chocolate for weeks, if your partner likes chocolate, and then going on a tirade if she eats it.
    Buying top of the line appliances and then going on a tirade if they are used in even slightly the wrong way or used even in a slightly rough manner.

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      1. Lol re traps. I suspect you haven’t dated someone with adhd then who has no impulse control and a temper to match.

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  10. H.G.
    Magnificent once more! This article clearly depicts how we are viewed and treated-I wish I could have read this before because now it all makes sense. It use to bother me how I felt my ex only listen out of politeness and not for long it was always, “not to change the subject but. . . ” Do you think those of your kind are conscious that we are viewed and treated as appliances? Also, could this behavior resemble that of a toddler who is self centered and all they seek is your full attention with no other regard?
    Love this one H. G.! I love the way you write!!!

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  11. Since we are defective and thrown away what changes your mind later on when you want us back? Why do you decide later on that we are good enough again to be your IPPS?

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    1. In other words how do you justify in your head that we are worthy of being an IPSS again after you decided previously that we are defective.

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      1. H.G. What is split thinking? Sorry I have not across this one in your books yet. Do you mean you forget what happened or ????

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      2. So, split thinking-black/white does that mean you forget why you discarded us or the memory has faded enough to be hoovered again?

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  12. We knew each other well before he turned everyone into an object. Sad for him he thought he was in control of everything, only my feelings for him existed well before he became his own little appliance as well. I think that caused much loss of control and anger towards me as he thought he was the puppeteer of the entire show and I just didn’t perform right… my core feelings were in existence before he started his games. He never fathomed I actually liked him without his games. Sad human.

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    1. Same experience here. He ruined beautiful friendship (I know this was illusion but this is what it was for me) because his default setting was auto-destruction. Unnecessary lies and manipulations. Backstabbing out of jealousy. I really believe NPD should be qualified as a disease not a disorder. This is so far away from what ‘normal’ is.

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      1. Yes, all I wanted was a friendship. When he led me down the other path and failed me, he failed any hope of being friends. Especially as he tried to pretend nothing else happened. It was too much. He just wasn’t that good of a Wizard of Oz. I used to ask him why he was doing things, what did he mean, why take it sexual and romantic. He gave me a hard time for that caution.Then when he got me to give in, he tried to go back to we were always friends. No. just sorry but no. My heart and life is much too valuable for what he put me through. He needs to offer a mega apology and work hard to really earn my trust fir real again. Since its not going to happen, yeah, he ruined it.

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      2. Yes – after what happened to me I would never ever be able to trust him again. Thus there is no place for him in my life. I guess only very disturbed people are capable of such unnecessary cruelity. Your case is very similar to mine.

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    2. I think I know what u mean Sarabella. If u understand they are a narc from early on, then it can be humorous when they try to manipulate u. You don’t react like they expect, and it can really upset them. I think it takes a really highly functioning narc with a lot of self-awareness and self-confidence to b able to accept that u know what they are and to believe that you love them despite it – that u don’t need any games.

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  13. This article was another dose of harsh reality. It’s brilliant.
    When you say that we are something not someone that speaks volumes to me.
    There were many times that I felt like “eye candy” or a trophy on my exes arm. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. She bragged about me just like she did about her car or her new shoes.

    I always need a new article to read on how you see us because it’s so hard for me to think like that and because I really believed that she loved me.

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  14. Sins of the father. Our father who isn’t in heaven. Heaven is a made up place to keep you confused. Hollowed is our core. My kingdom is mine. My will is over all. Give me your ⛽️ my breakfast lunch or dinner and snacks as needed. Believe in forgiveness as you will be needing it to deal with my trespassing. You will be tempted without much effort. I will deliver evil – guaranteed. Pray a lot. It helps your kind.
    (The real Lord’s Prayer)

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    1. Not anymore thanks to H.G.!!! More of us empaths are being armed with his shield of knowledge and thus are able to resist your type-lesser that is; a Greater would never have written such a pathetic and insignificant response!

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