Needing Release

needing

Why will you not let me go? I just want to be on my own, I have had enough of you. Is it too much to ask that I am able to lead my own life free of your presence and influence? I need to do this for myself. I do not want to be with you anymore. I had to get out. I have other things I want to do and they do not involve you. In truth, I have been wanting to do this for some time but you always managed to prevent me from going. There was always some reason that came up to stop me from breaking free of you. Every time I girded my loins in order to achieve my freedom you would do or say something that would stop me from going. I don’t know how you manage to do it. It is a fearsome power you have when I stop to think about it. It infuriates me actually, the way you manage to keep this hold over me. It is as if you know exactly what I need and you just have to say the right words. It is like weaving a spell, yes, that is it, you are a sorcerer and when you utter the incantation I am stopped from getting away. You freeze me where I stand or you take control of my decisions and actions. Sometimes your dark magic creates a wall that I cannot see but it is there and I cannot get past it. I despise the fact that you are able to do this to me. It should not be like this. You should not be allowed to control me. I know I cannot expect someone like you to even think that what you do is wrong because all you ever do is think about yourself. I have realised this; eventually. It has come at some cost because I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. I have tried to understand you but so many times it is like trying to play a vinyl record on an ipod. Impossible. I still do not understand why you have done what you have done and perhaps I never will, thank goodness there are other people who I can turn to. I know they will not do what you have done to me. You really are inhuman at times.

What’s that? I gave you no reason for why I left? Why would I? You do not deserve an explanation. Why would I give you the pleasure of seeing me having to explain myself to you? Why would I give you a further opportunity to cast another spell and stop me in my tracks once again. I just had to get away from you but look where we are now. You just will not let it happen will you. Why not just get on with your own life? You are no use to me anymore. Is that the reason? It is part of the reason, yes. No, I am not going to tell you more because you will just use it as a way to worm your way back in and get hold of me once again because that is what you do. It is no good denying it, you have done it so many times. If I give the proverbial inch you take a yard. I don’t know why you are shaking your head because it is true. I don’t care if it hurts, how hurt do you think I am after what you did to me. I had to leave you. There was no hope for any other way. I had to escape you otherwise, well, I do not want to consider what might have happened if I had remained. Just let me go will you. Why do you keep contacting me? I have nothing to say to you. I do not want to speak to you, I do not want to exchange messages, I do not want to see you. No, I do not want to talk about it. No, I do not want to sort matters out. No I do not want to try to resolve our differences. There is no point. I have moved on. Yes, I have moved on. I thought I needed you, I really did but it turns out that this is not the case any longer. I have broken free of your grip and believe me it has been a long time coming. They all know by the way, my friends, your friends, our colleagues and families. I had to tell them because I knew this is what you would do. I knew how dangerous you are and I had to warn them to watch out for you because I just knew you would try and get to me through them. You have done it before but I anticipated this move. I am good at reading you. I have had plenty of practice you see and I always know what you are going to do and say. Your predictability has given me such an advantage now and I am using to ensure I stay away from you, so why don’t you just let go? How can this possibly help you or me? You keep clinging on but I don’t understand why? There is no point in your doing this. There is no point in keep ringing me, although how you got my number I am not sure. Don’t hang around my neighbourhood either, yes I have seen you from the window and my neighbours have told me you have been doing it. It is no good denying it, I know what you are like. You are crazy, you are obsessed, I just need you to leave me alone. Please stop it. I am trying to move forward and you need to do the same. I don’t want to discuss the past. There is no point it is done. What’s that, you don’t like it when I do this, it as if I have changed into someone else. Well, I suppose I have, I have had to, in order to escape your influence. Look, this is getting nowhere, I have been civil with you for the sake of the other people here but it won’t last if you keep this up. Go, go now and leave me alone. Please. Just do it. Move on. You can find someone else, I am sure there is someone equally crazy who will take you with open arms. Don’t look like that, I am just telling you how it is. How can I just change like that? It isn’t me that has changed, it was you, you conned me, but I am not going through all of that now, I know what you are doing you are trying to keep me talking in the hope of persuading me, well it won’t work and besides, you really must go now because my new girlfriend will be here in a moment and I don’t want her to have to deal with you and your lunacy. Go.

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53 thoughts on “Needing Release”

  1. Oh my gosh…this would be my narc, totally spinning things and twisting things in his blame shifting. He likes to tell people that WE decided to separate but privately, he has emailed me and has made comments about how I (me) am the one who decided to move out. LOL That’s right—I escaped you!

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  2. As I read this I’m stumped as to whom is the author and whom is the recipient. Is it safe to conclude that the first author of this letter was the N to his victim and over time the victim mirrors the same words in return?

    Hg, as a greater whom can identify so much thru introspection does a N ever have self pity and mourn the inability to Love… not the need of receiving fuel or a savior… but desire to truly be able to reciprocate mutuality. Is it ever a reflection in self assessment?

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  3. Dead. on. Wow, HG, this is a post right out of my life. Excellent timing. So, what’s the solution for us empaths? Is No Contact the ONLY way? Because you narcs hook us and then leave us hanging with no closure. How in the hell do we get past this pain and find closure?

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      1. Yes, I know that.
        But I see myself sending msg to him. I do not stalk him though, the other way actually. I always try to avoid to cross with him. But so, then I get him back to me and then I leave him because I feel revulsion. Because he lies and he is so coward and I am so different than that. I always think “eww”‘… And I will run away…’
        It is weird..

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      2. The message he receives from is an invited to hoover whenever he wishes. He knows theirs no expiration date with you. So he place you on the shelf and pull you out as he pleases due to your long shelf life.

        Repulsive is fleeting.

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    1. My narc told me (during a rage) “you know there is nothing I hate more than somebody lying about me!!!!!!!”

      Mine lies about everyone.

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      1. Why do we to these people as “my narc”? Not our narcs, remember all narcs are public property.

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  4. And with all of that being said, they still come back for more. Everything they’ve done to you, gets flipped around and you are accused of it. HG, was there ever any primary source that outdid all others in the matter of fuel that made it difficult for you to discard? If so what made them so potent?

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    1. There has never been anybody who has made it difficult for me to dis-engage with them, because the fact that I am compelled to dis-engage proves in itself that their fuel was no longer adequate.

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      1. You talk about compulsion, as in you can’t control yourself. It is about you, not about the people you engage with. It is something that you do, regardless of whom you are dealing with.

        “The overwhelming tendency
        The overwhelming tendency to do
        Wrong for the wrong’s sake
        To do wrong for the wrong’s sake
        We persist in the acts
        Because we feel that we
        should not persist in them
        Because we feel we, feel we
        should not persist, per-, persist in them, ah
        So I wanna know….”

        ” I Wanna Know (The Pit And The Pendulum)”
        From the Raven
        Edgar Allan Poe revisited
        by Lou Reed

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      2. HG
        Do you think possible that if you’d encounter a source so potent like never experienced before that would supply all the fluel needed, you could stick to only that source so dearly, and have not need for any other? Or you think that its impossible chance?
        In your opinion how would that source have to be for you, if it existed?
        Or the thought that such a person could exist is not even remotedly present in your mind And if it is so.. Why not?

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      3. Really? Such a person does not exist. And You know this. Unless of course you only say this as a preface manipulation so that all your conquests can aspire to being ‘The Grand Source’?

        For your kind the excitement is in the hunt. The planning process. The creation of illusions. The milking of emotions. The games… Movement and a variety of realities, is what your kind is about. Fluidity. Stop moving – stop creating your own reality – and you spell your own demise.

        How may sources can put up with that without burning out? Without malfunctioning and forcing you back on the market shopping for a new appliance? Have you ever met one who even came close?

        Your expectations are alien. Not designed for fulfilment by the normal human.

        So, no. You will never find such a one to meet your expectations, HG, not in this side of reality. Your thirst shall never be quenched nor your hunger sated. The perfect, limitless, unbreakable source who can match your need for dark, abstract fluidity and constantly shifting reality does not, nor ever shall, exist… Not to the satisfaction of your kind.

        It’s like you’re stuck in some kind of hamster wheel. A senseless, futile search for the Fuel Source equivalent of the Holy Grail.

        That fact alone gives me a great deal of satisfaction.

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  5. Wish you were different, so I could be myself.
    I like being myself but with people like you is like walking around with a target on the chest.
    I don’t like the war. I am always fighting with someone like you; keeping the boundaries, having to think about the answer, to calculate the reactions and put a strategy in place. Living like this, sad and exhausting.
    Hate it, hate you.

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  6. No I deserve an explanation to why I get the silent treatment! I have put years into this relationship bending over backwards, yet you say no explanation is deserved. How can you think like this? You can walk by me the next day like I am nobody to you or ever existed. And turn around and tell me I am crazy or ask me if I am drunk? OMG!!!

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  7. This is my life. He can’t even talk to me without going out in his car. He can’t talk to me With her in the room. He never calls the kids but he trapped into a situation where they had to meet her. And we’re unable to escape when it was psychologically damaging to them. It’s all just a control thing and I won’t let him control my kids anymore. He is playing dangerous games with their mind. It took me three years and all these books and emails to barely heal from all of this. How are they suppose to deal with the one person that is suppose to love them unconditionally pulls out away from them and pops back in when he wants a fix of fuel. Never being able to count on him to be around for love or support or advise or for parenting things.

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  8. Mind if I copy paste some of this the send to my ex??? Well said! While I’m here, I am curious, how many hours a day do you write. You’re excellent writer and love your You Tubes! Your work is important and thank you for sharing!

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    1. Hello TTBD, you are welcome to do so and thank you for the courtesy of asking first. Do keep in mind that it will not cause him to alter the way he regards matters however, but if you think it will assist you in some way, then fair enough.
      I do not write every day at present as I am especially busy, but when I do I tend to write late at night for 4-5 hours.
      Thank you for your kind comments.

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  9. with @ 50yrs of grown up relationships to navigate, an early exit strategy might be to develop a screening for narcs procedure. Hanging in there for a future fake is on YOU now. HG HAS redeemed himself.

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    1. For some reason, I don’t feel he’s redeemed himself. True redemption is recognizing you’ve done wrong and look to make your wrongs right. HG, doesn’t feel the need to right his wrong because he doesn’t feel he is wrong. Narcs don’t take responsibility for the bad actions unless it’s to their benefit and then it’s fake.

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    2. HG is what he is, and who knows.
      I wouldn’t talk about redemption because he doesn’t show any repentance. He is educating people about narcs and the purpose is still not clear to me, it’s a mix of different things. The good thing about his writings is that he is admitting of doing the things that many of us have questioned ourselves whether they were real or not. Now we know they were and there is a sort of liberation from this but it’s just that, and it’s just about us, because HG will always be out there attacking people, just like the narcs in our lives.

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  10. I just asked my narc why? Why did you go through such drama and work so hard to get rid of me during my devaluation and discard, and now, want to spend time with me! Go places together, dinner, concerts and adventures! Is the new primary source not giving you enough fuel, or maybe your current, newly recycled primary source, just not smart enough to fix everything as well as I do? Why? You don’t want a relationship with me! So what the hell do you want? I got the stare! The creepy smile and the “come on, do we really have to give this a name?” In my head I already know what our relationship is….. it’s abuse!! Him taking advantage of me!!!

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    1. The sooner you realize that there is no amount of knowledge or wisdom or pleading that you send his way will make a any difference, the better for you. Telling him what he is gives him ammo for a later time. The only power is no contact.

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    2. He wants to be in your life when and the way he pleases, come and go as he wishes… but the main reason he does it is to KEEP YOU FROM MOVING ON!

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    3. Cat
      He smiled because you were fuelling him by asking all of that. The smile WAS your answer, and the only one you will ever get.

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  11. Wow! This is almost the same words he used on me. That I was the narcissist, that I was the one who hurt him, etc. I lashed out at him after he kept hurting me and I broke it off with him twice. When I let him back the second time I thought he really wanted to work at it. Leopards don’t change their spots. Of course after a year, he contacted me again only to play games and hurt me some more. I was still healing and I got sucked down the rabbit hole again.

    Now he has changed his story again as to why he did things that he did initially and then stated that I was at fault in the beginning and I couldn’t be honest. Um…..look in the mirror much? I finally cut him off for good not too long ago. I told him he will never get it and good luck with his new love. Grrrr…..

    Excellent post HG!

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  12. I’m in the midst of a brutal smear campaign and defamation of character. Realistically, where can I meet new people that won’t be affected or involved?

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  13. Of course HG
    Silly me
    how can i ever expect that one single source could deliver as many put together?
    Hum….
    I guess not.
    So triangulation with intimate partners will never end in your life?
    And the lives of other Narcs?

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      1. I like the part, “you have chosen poorly!””You have chosen wisely!”
        HG – Good lines to use when 💙💣or discarding Intimate Partner. Especially with that voice of yours purring or growling.

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