Now I Have You



We rely on ensnaring our victims. Whether it is a stranger who we pass each day and smile at, knowing that they will return the smile, whether it is a friend who relies on being associated with us and who enjoys the benefits of being seen with us or whether it is the intimate partner who is installed as our primary source, we need to ensure that our fuelling appliances are attached to us, connected and secured so that we can rely on the fuel being pumped our way. We have our ways of determining whether an appliance has become ours, no matter what source the appliance belongs to. These “shows” or “tells” are important to us for several reasons:-

  1. We know that the appliance has become attached to us and therefore the fuel will continue to flow;
  2. We are aware that our seduction of the appliance has worked. We seduce everybody that we target. There is the generally accepted definition of seduction that is applicable to the primary source, but our seduction also manifests against those who are secondary sources. When we seduce, we charm, win-over, beguile, attract and so forth and we do this to the friends, the colleagues and family members. Our seduction of a stranger may be as straight forward as smiling at them so they return the gesture, but it is a seduction nevertheless. Knowing that the seduction has succeeded is important.
  3. Once we know we have you, then we can adjust our approach appropriately. This may mean maintaining a certain level of behaviour and thus conserving energy, thus we do not expend energy too greatly trying to charm you further when we have already succeeded. It may mean knowing that since you have been seduced and you are attached, we can turn our attention elsewhere.
  4. We can broadcast the seduction to other people and know that we will not err in doing so. This broadcasting allows us to gain fuel both from those who admire our newly seduced appliance and those who are jealous of our latest conquest. Either way we receive fuel. Accordingly, the relationship bulletins can begin.
  5. It will be the trigger for the discard of the malfunctioning current primary source. Once we know that the prospective replacement has been seduced and attached we can commence the discard.

Not only do we look for these shows and tells in order to confirm to us that the seduction has been achieved, we use them as way markers to confirm to us that we are heading in the correct direction during the seduction and it will not be too long before we have you completely in our grasp. These indicators are important. If we do not see them, we know that we must apply more effort, more charm, more seductive power in order to reel you in. In some instances, if they remain absent we may form the view that the seduction is floundering and we may be better served turning our attentions elsewhere, so we are not denied fuel and we do not use up our energy on a wasted prospect. It is unusual for this to happen, but it can and therefore we need to see these indicators that confirm to us that you are falling under our spell, that you are being seduced and soon you will be attached to us.

In the context of seducing an intimate partner as a primary source these indicators are at their most prevalent and of course, by reason of that person being a prospective primary source, they are the most important ones to look for. Whilst it is material to see certain signs which tell us that we are acquiring a new and loyal inner circle friend, it is the indicators which signal to us that the prospective primary source is heeding our overtures which matter the most.

So, what are these indicators? There are many and the ones detailed below are not an exhaustive list but some of the more common ones. Some of these indicators do happen in ‘normal’ relationships, but they still should be heeded because they demonstrate that you are falling for us, that our charms are working and this will give us the comfort and information that we need to adjust our plans and machinations accordingly.

If you realise that you are doing these things now, then you are telegraphing to somebody that you are submitting to their seduction. If the seduction was once in the past, you may well recognise some of these things as matters which you did or said. Moreover, you will now know that if you wish to lay down a false scent, if you will, and deny us the indicators, these are the things you must avoid in order to encourage us in our seduction of you.

  1. Answering your ‘phone within one ring when we call you.
  2. Answering text messages in less than thirty seconds when we message you.
  3. Answering your ‘phone, whether call or message in the middle of the night.
  4. Cancelling plans with other people so that you can see us.
  5. Inconveniencing yourself to spend time with us, for instance, travelling across town just to spend 30 minutes with us in a lunch hour.
  6. Calling us and not having anything really to say to us.
  7. Asking to know what our movements are during the day.
  8. Going to something or doing something even though we know you do not like it really, just to please us and/or be with us;
  9. Dropping everything to come to us on the pretext of an emergency;
  10. Agreeing with us when we tell you that friends, family, colleagues etc are jealous of you and I and you do not try to make excuses for them, but instead you express dismay for their attitudes.
  11. Buying something so you have the similar item to us.
  12. Asking for an item of our clothing with our scent on so you can have us close to you.
  13. Allowing us to borrow something and not asking for it back even though we have kept it for longer than we said we would.
  14. Lending us money and not asking for it back.
  15. Preferring to stay in than go out with your friends in the hope that we will call you.
  16. Turning up unexpectedly at a place where we are.
  17. Making considerable changes in your appearance to impress us;
  18. Making changes to your home in order to impress us;
  19. Writing poems or love letters to us;
  20. Offering to do chores for us even though we do not live together;
  21. Wanting us to accompany you to events
  22. Telling us you miss us even though it has only been an afternoon that we have been apart.

Whilst it is a fact that these indicators also happen in ‘normal’ relationships, it is the fact that so many of them occur and that they do so with undue haste which sends us the signal that we want to see. Some would not happen in any relationship and with others it is the speed and aggregate effect of them which provides us with the indication that we wish to see. Be mindful of whether you are doing these things because if you are and you recognise the red flags of the way we behave towards you, you are in effect issuing a “come and get me I am yours” to us, with all the consequences that flow from that.

20 thoughts on “Now I Have You

  1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    I must admit lol….I’ve done everything but #12.

  2. ava101 says:

    Aren’t these indicators a bit drastic? Did you exegerrate or how many of them would you expect to see?
    What if someone does the opposite? What do you conclude then
    I also got very annoyrd by the way the last narc who tried to seduce me used the phone for testing …..

  3. Twilight/Dawn says:

    You are the words
    I am the sound

    Some lyrics just seem to repeat today

  4. Diane says:

    HG, do you find it gratifying to have your victims contact other women? My narc continues to provoke me, despite this being the only reaction he’s gotten for nearly a year.

    This is terrible but I do check his social media because it’s how I’ve convinced myself the hoovering is a con, I’m nothing special and he’s hopeless. Also, you see these women continue to fall for the manipulations and you think, “Well she’s a fucking idiot. Lord don’t let me behave like that.”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Do you mean when my victims speak to my other victims? It provides me with some Thought Fuel.

      1. Diane says:

        Yes. I’d assumed this would deter him, but no such luck.

  5. Mona says:

    What HG just says i similar to “If you had not worn the short skirt, I would not have raped you.” So, he puts the blame on us.

  6. Mona says:

    Ursula, don`t feel ashamed. It is only another trick to put the blame on us. I did not do anything of it for more than half a year. I thought he is a blender and blinder. I only wanted a secret affair. He was sexual attractive. That made him angry. How could I resist a man like him ? How could I not fall in love with him – the one, who his able to get every woman he wants ? He did nearly all and everything to seduce me. When I decided he is worth of a trial ( he lied so much and all his family members lied too to lure me in the trap) – , he started his evil behaviour slowly. Then it was too late for me. I underestimated the bond by sexuality and the bond of (played) good behavior and the dimension of lies. It was not only him, it was his whole family. And if they want to ensnare you, they do!
    Most of the things – mentioned above – are normal things, that everyone, who falls in love – would do. HG wants to spoil us the time of infatuation. Narcissists show what they are from the first moment. And I knew it instinctively. But I did not trust my own gut. I really saw the signs. Be aware of his red or black flags and take a close look at his family. If they show some strange behaviour – go! Don`t make excuses. That is all we can do to lessen the damage of such an encounter. If I had gone after the first half year, I would have had a nice adventure- wondering what a strange guy he is.

    1. Thank you so very much, Mona!
      This is encouraging to me!
      Was in love with a somatic narcissist.
      The trap for me was to think that he would be addicted to me in the same way I was to him… HG s book on “Sex and the Narcissist” enlightened me on that.
      Like you I thought of the affair as a strange ONS-Adventure first. Didn’t realize that I got bewitched from the first moment onwards…
      Good luck, Mona!

  7. Mc says:

    The Narc does test me on these things over and over. But I am an Empath, I’ll show these signs to pretty much anyone who has my number. The real way to tell if I truly care, is if you can get me to cry- not because I am weak, but because I am a very passionate human being! Ahhhh, thus all the constant hot and cold behavior and malign hoovers. Too bad I caught on, and shut that down.

  8. I feel so ashamed in reading this. I’ve done almost everything in the list!!! Especially during devaluation. I begged for a worn piece of clothing…
    I want to sink to the middle of the earth right now…
    Thank you so very much for this list, mirroring the codependent behaviour…

  9. 1jaded1 says:

    No. I may write a poem but it won’t be a love poem.

  10. FreetobeME says:

    In all the seduction, the narc who I thought was my friend sexually assaulted me to be able to say “now I have you.” When I confronted him about the sexual assault, he went into a rage screaming and cussing saying “you gave me all of you.” He sounded like a squealing chipmunk in a tornado. These people are pretty pathetic and cause much harm to others.

    1. SVR says:

      That’s terrible. I had the most alcohol I have ever consumed and was in and out of consciousness to find him on top of me. Disgraceful behaviour.

      1. Joanne says:

        HG is quite comedic. 12 (asking for clothing for their scent) made me spit out my drink. These narcs make clowns out of us 🤡. Not cool.

      2. NarcAngel says:

        Thank god for booze.

  11. Khaleesi says:

    I did almost all of the above for years. It was exhausting. Not anymore. Thank you once again, HG.

  12. IntelAvatar says:

    It’s never been easier to have self sustaining fuel supply. Never been easier to run discards. What would happen if we encourage codependents along to master superempathy sub skills? Give them a competitive edge?
    It might take a few generations perhaps to purge this shadow?
    (I’m not my mothers broken heart)

  13. Work Related OK says:

    Lol. I was contacted by my narc on Valentines Day (of course he did) to ask a question he already knew the answer to (no, Narc, I will not divorce you, emergency facade management strategy is failing for you and it’s too much fun to watch you wriggle like the worm you are).

    With no response he was climbing the walls after three days. Broke his own rules and both texted and emailed me. Poor Muffin.

    1. Kim e says:

      Work related. Have to ask if you got divorced?

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