I Want

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What goes through the mind of the Greater Narcissist when he has decided that he must unleash his malice against some transgressor, some traitor, some disloyal appliance which has affronted him in some way? What does he want when the harsh and cruel machinations are about to be deployed against his or her victim? What are his thoughts as he bears down on the one who now represents everything that he despises? Whether they have escaped him, exposed him, challenged him or some other capital crime against the nation-state of narcissism, the Greater Narcissist’s dark mind goes into overdrive. This is a glimpse inside to understand what he wants.

I want you to know that only I know. I want you to know that your wounds are self-inflicted. I want you to feel the ice coldness of your bed at midnight. I want you to hear my voice everywhere that you go. I want a controlling interest in you.  I want my face to appear even when you close your eyes.

I want you to walk in heavy chains each and every day. I want you to touch the scar so you remember me. I want you to always understand how hungry I am for your fuel. I want you to always feel my baleful gaze on you. I want you to glance my reflection in the window and feel that knot of fear in your stomach. I want you to feel my hand on your shoulder even though there is nobody there.

I want you to scream and realise that nobody is coming. I want your world to implode. I want to know how much you hate me. I want to know how much you love me. I want you to know only that which I want you to know. I want you to learn the cost of loving me. I want you to know that my malevolence is just a way to win.

I want you to see me broadcast your secrets far and wide. I want you to understand that the sweetest condition is to be with me. I want you to be knocked to the ground by my thunder. I want you to be shackled to me by the sound of my voice. I want you to realise that compassion is over-rated. I want you to come begging for me to stop.

I want you to know that evil can be so handsome, I want you to feel what it is like to have the grasping hands come from nowhere in order to pull you apart. I want you to watch the light disappear.

I want you try and lift you head, but all I shall see is you exposing your neck I want your world to implode. I want to see you isolated. I want to see the hope in your eyes so I can extinguish it. I want you alive because then there always remains future possibilities. I want you to run but then realise that you cannot.

I want you to now know the true meaning of hurt. I want you to grasp what you have done to me. I want you to experience betrayal. I want you to feel the earth giving way beneath your feet. I want everything you once knew to mean nothing anymore.

I want you dazed. I want you confused. I want you not knowing left from right. I want you stumbling in my footsteps. I want you blundering in the fog that I breathe around you. I want you calling for help and hearing just an echo.

I want you to understand that dreams can be crushed. I want you to never know the truth. I want you to be buried alive by my lies. I want the heavy, dead weight of your guilt to pin you down.

I want you to confront me and fail to understand how you are just giving me what I need. I want to watch your defences crumble. I want you to find that everything is black or white. I want everything to taste like ash to you. I want you to understand what it feels like to be controlled by another. I want you to pray for salvation from me. I want you to seek salvation at my hand.

I want you to hide just so I can come and find you. I want you to try and wipe away the smears and to watch the panic as you find nothing is removing them. I want to see you swallow your own lies about me. I want to hear your terror down the phone line. I want you to shout for me to just make it stop. I want you to give me what belongs to me.

I want you to understand that the darkness is everywhere. I want you to pay the price for your treachery. I want you to find what you once had and give it to me again, for one last time. I want to see that smile vanish when you know it was me. I want your day to begin with me and end with me.

I want the clouds to cover your moon. I want the steady drum of rain drops to mask my approach until I suddenly appear besides you. I want to know where you are, all of the time. I want your dreams to dissipate and for me to rule your nightmares. I want your thoughts to be about me and me alone.

I want you to understand I will not stop. I want you to realise I am unstoppable.

I want to watch you lose control.

I want you to lose.

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63 thoughts on “I Want”

  1. I was just today starting to wish that there were a way for it all to work out somehow. You’ve crushed that.

    “Thank you”, she said through a veil of tears.

    I get so sad sometimes. I wish it were the future already.

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  2. So very eye opening! Excellent!
    Is this why mine said he was a sex addict and just “needed” the chase, he couldn’t help it
    He wants everyone – exclusive to him- as he picks and chooses who he wants and when.

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    1. I heard a million explainations: I am insatiable, a monster, I am a man, I have needs, I am on a great ride, I never loved women so much, who knew there were so many lonely women (in relationships), must be my age as females trust me more, its complicated. Bottomless pit of theft.

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    2. oh, and I think for the right woman, I could be faithful. At 53, guess she still hasnt shown up. I am not just in it for the chase. I look for the soul, personality…. yeah, right.

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    3. Notavictim….were we caught up with the same person? Word for word right on point with what I am dealing with currently.

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  3. Ewen the

    On Mar 21, 2017 11:20 AM, “Knowing the Narcissist” wrote:

    > HG Tudor posted: ” What goes through the mind of the Greater Narcissist > when he has decided that he must unleash his malice against some > transgressor, some traitor, some disloyal appliance which has affronted him > in some way? What does he want when the harsh and cruel ma” >

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  4. HG this is good. I am understanding lots of things now. I cannot hate the man child, I no longer feel sorry for him and want to help fix him, I have never felt guilty, I know I will see him around so if he speaks to me which he has done in the past with a new supply if I only smile and continue to walk wouldown that be best?, I do not hate him and never have. As I have said before I realise I myself have been unhealthy but did not realise due to my upbringing, this experience woke me up. I realised I thought nothing of me as I was not able to allow myself achievement, I do now and guess what I know what a boundary is now. He asked me if I had met anyone like him before. Does that mean he is the same as you in the know? Thank you for being there for all of us and how strange it is to say that to one of your kind. We to have a big lesson to learn.

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    1. You are welcome SVR and thank you. His comment does not mean that he is the same as me in the know, no. As for meeting him, the best way is to give no reaction and continue onwards but if you wish to be pleasant, knowing this is fuel and may lead to further hoovers, then of course that is a matter for you as it is your life.

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      1. HG it was the answers you have given which again are great clarity. I chose to ignore totally that’s for sure. Thanks 🙂

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  5. I want YOU to stop resurrecting this article. ;p Hits a nerve every time I read it (and reread it, and reread it again)… This is the one writing that I go back to when I need to give myself a realty check.

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  6. “I want you to know that your wounds are self-inflicted.”

    his version, stop hurting yourself. I said i am not, you are. yes, he always wants to win, to be feared and to justify his horrible behavior. He took a work financial gamble and I think just lost. He is looking for a moneyed seductive mistress. I will him luck.

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  7. The totality of “I Want” made me recoil; two thoughts jumped out.
    #1. “the nation-state of narcissism”
    Ok, I was feeling strong at this point in the read, thinking of the narc
    as a “dicktator”
    #2. “I want you to learn the cost of loving me”
    Despite having paid in full and my account is closed; I
    recognize the creditor/predator narc will continue to call/hoover for
    additional fuel payment.

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  8. HG,
    This is an excellent example of your writing prowess. It is a very powerful read and moves me each time you post it. Thank you for such a vivid picture and of course sharing your talent. 💙

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  9. Excellent writing!! But also very trigger inducing for me. My ex wrote me a V day poem for me once. So gifted he was in conveying such deep dark emotions of pain mixed with love and longing. Scarily very very similar words to this. But as I read it my stomach clenched. It was like he was whispering in my ear “I hate you. You are my possession”

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  10. This did not effect me the same way it did the first time I read it.
    On the outside it shows the anger that is held inside, it comes out in such a way that is malicious. Your control over it is amazing and frieghtening at the same time.
    HG your writings are absolutely amazing and convey so much, everytime I reread them, so much more is revealed on a deeper level. Thank you for all the time and effort you put into this.

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  11. This kind of volatile hate and fury masks the gut-wrenching pain just bubbling under the surface. You absorbed so, so much trauma in your family – like a sponge. And this is how it releases out of you.

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  12. “I want you to feel the ice coldness of your bed at night.”

    That line is so mean. I have nightmares of my ex & his IPPS, but I’ll take nightmares over panic provoked by silent treatments any day alllll day.

    HG, if you’re taking recommendations, an idea would be a piece on comparing the narcisstic relationship to a rollercoaster ride. The thrills, suspense, inevitable end, multiple riders, wanting a refund, or to ride again, the snapshot of our faces at the peak of the ride with the most emotion is what I picture a narc’s memory of our fuel is like… that’s the best way others understand my experience when I try to explain it to them.

    💚

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  13. This describes the last four years of my life. Every single DAY. He wanted me for sure. He wanted me back to punish and degrade me and break me. He did. But I’m here. I read this article in shock and awe. This is what I desperately need. Thank you, Mr. Tudor.

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  14. Narcs are appliances. You are stuck in an endless cycle, repeating the same process over and over like a washing machine. Never learning, never growing because you don’t have a ‘self’ to develop. We empaths will take our horrible, negative experiences from you and turn them into a positive. We will learn from them, we will grow stronger and we will heal and improve our inner core selves. You may want us to lose but we will always win.

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    1. They are appliances. Same game, just different players. Rinse and repeat. But no, we don’t always win. That is a myth that needs to stop. We CAN win if we get what has happened to us. If someone or something leads us out. If can recover. But narcs have the blood of many a dead people on their hands. both literally and figuratively.

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  15. The devil whispered in my ear…”you are not strong enough to withstand the storm”
    Today I whispered in the Devil’s ear.. “I am the storm”

    And by.that I mean I retained an attorney and slapped a restraining order on him…served up cold
    at his workplace while he trained one of the minions that he enlisted to harass me.

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  16. I want you to now know the true meaning of hurt. I want you to grasp what you have done to me. I want you to experience betrayal. I want you to feel the earth giving way beneath your feet.
    “Didn’t he tell you he was a savage f**k your white horse and carriage. You needed him…me.” paraphrase from Rihanna needed me.

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  17. HG! This is creepy,,, absolutely very creepy! It goes under my skin when I read it…and it makes me shiver…but this is really you..isn’t it? Well..a part of you…?

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  18. Well if thats what you want theres no sense dicking around with you as the middleman. Take me straight to the top. To the architect of all this chaos. Introduce me to your Mother. Theres no denying her success with you.

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      1. Doesnt negate her success. She created. She is responsible for your pain yes, but she is also then responsible for giving you the drive for any and all success you acheive. You can never escape that and therefore her. Your legacy is her legacy.

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    1. @ NarcAngel you have pressed one of HGs main triggers there. His mother is definitely still one of his Primary (negative) Controllers. And Im sure she passed on many years ago, yet she is still in control. Of course he would lie and say he is beyond her. 😉

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      1. I agree with HG, Al, you aren’t paying enough attention. And the endless debate about the cage wounded boy and if he is alive or not. Does it matter? Isn’t the only thing that is ever going to matter is if HG stops creating victims and spreading this pain and destruction?

        What is the goal of therapy anyay? Has it ever been articulated?

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      2. AL
        Its my understanding through information here on the blog that she is very much alive.

        Are these personal or professional observations you are sharing? I enjoy different viewpoints and have been helped immensely by the sharing of it in addition to the daily posts and Mr Tudors responses to our questions. Having said that, I dont do subtle, so I will note here my observation:
        You appear to be trying to bait Mr. Tudor into a discussion and discredit him under the guise of helping the bloggers with alternate information. Is this the case? As I was direct with my question I hope that you respect that I would appreciate a direct answer.

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  19. NarcAngel, although you do not believe it, there is no pain anymore. The little boy inside of him is almost dead. His true self is hidden and caged in a torture chamber of his castle. HG is the one who put it there. He does not want to see the rest of him. His mother created a monster which she cannot control anymore.

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    1. Mona
      Although you do not believe it, you have no idea if he or anyone else has pain or is almost dead. You have your beliefs as does everyone else, but they are beliefs and not facts. It would serve you and others well if you would stop confusing the two.

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      1. Interesting and NA I see where you are coming from. I’ve told the lesser to take me to his mom so I could slap her back to his born day. (Cruel) I know but I get a pass. He was so protective over this person that clearly didn’t care about him. He still fabricates lies about the current relationship. When the mask slips he would reveal her treatment towards him but later would recant his story. I spoke with her over the phone when she knew he was near her she would leave or avoid phone calls. The mid, his mother along with the pastor halted most of his speaking engagements. He tell everyone that she has a hearing problem. She seems to hear me and others fine and alerts the local pastors to pray for him. She’s a retired teacher. I would like to get some answers from her. He’s told me in the past its know wonder your mother said that about you. Lol, my mom is a narcotics but he never met her. Line them all up, and force them to recognize what they have created. As humans we need nurturing , protection, and love especially in early stages. Animals provide nurturing to their babies.

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      2. Narc Angel, next time I will write : It is my opinion that…. We do not know what HG really thinks and feels besides what he let us see but I believe the nasty and cruel words he says in this article. I do not deny them or trivialize them. And I do not go for him. He is responsible for his behaviour and his words. And please don`t use manipulation mechanism : “It would serve you and others…” The others are independent enough to have an own opinion. Talk about me and you and that`s enough. I talked about my opinion about HG and about nobody else. And I did not say that HG or anyone else is almost dead. Where did you read that? I said I believe his true self is almost dead. That is a big difference.

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      3. Mona
        You started your post off with: “although you dont believe it….” where you have no idea what I do or do not believe. Followed up with: There is no pain anymore. The little boy inside of him is almost dead. Neither of which you could possibly know. Is my little girl almost dead too? Please do tell. Now, I was previously willing to consider a language difference causing your opinions to read as fact, but your assertion in a previous post that HG did not suffer as a child along with various other accusations and followed by another post where you admitted you were “testing” him negated that it was a language issue but more of a “manipulation mechanism” which is now what you accuse me of.
        In summary: Bite me. You have zero credibility.

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  20. What the Narc wants, and what it gets, never end up being the same.
    The purpose to control, dominate and win, ultimately end up being the very same things that destroy the Narc.
    The dream of being accepted and seen as on par with its companion, is destroyed, when the Fantasy Self comes into direct conflict with reality, and the realization that it can never avoid reality, never be on par with the Chosen one, causes the Narc to project its own Self hatred onto the other.
    Once again, the Narc has to find another Chosen one, another Anchor, and, if lucky, a Controller. An endless cycle of its own personal self destruction and demise.
    Narcissism, The Inferiority Complex, with delusions of grandeur.

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    1. Victoria, Narcs are creatures of habit-they all sulk, they all attempt to control, manipulate and dominate. They are all smoke and mirrors-the illusion of their own delusions. The ‘greater’ the Narc says it is, the higher the Inferiority complex.

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      1. Just my opinion based on my own understanding, but the difference between lesser, mid and greater seems more due to intelligence level and reasoning ability. While all narcs think they are superior, the smarter ones make sure the less intelligent know that they are inferior in intellect. The greaters sure don’t seem to have a higher inferiority complex. If anything, their demonstrable intelligence and real accomplishments have the opposite effect.

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    1. You actually approved of my second comment without responding again JUST TO SHOW OTHERS how much you “don’t care”, instead of just not approving either of ’em at all. Ha ha. I expect nothing less from a “greater” 😊

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  21. I needed this. It cuts to the bone, but it is the reality I have lived for the past 4 years. To see it written in black and white is chilling. And life-changing. Thank you.

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  22. Chilling. Thanks. Your mindset through a glass darkly is enlightening.

    You want. I want. We all want. That’s
    Life.

    I want, therefore I am. What I want I become.

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