Whore

 

Tell me, what is it like to be such a whore? How does it feel? Are you proud of yourself? Are you pleased with what you have become? Are your parents proud of what their son or daughter has done with their life, to become this thing that prostitutes itself so regularly and with no sense of shame? If only they knew eh? If only they knew the lengths, you go to in order to get what you want. It must be a shallow existence don’t you think? Knowing that nobody truly likes you, that all of the love, affection, friendship, kindness and gratitude has to be bought and paid for. What an empty life that must be? I know you are very good at it. I will give you that. You are a professional when it comes to performing this role. I must admit that I sometimes watch with a strange kind of, well, I suppose it is respect isn’t it? Yes, respect for the way that you work your role. You know what to say don’t you? Those words come easy to you but they should because you have used them often enough on other people. You are a serial offender if the truth be told and that is why the epitaph of whore is so fitting. You know just what to say to get what you want. You know when to say it, what to say and how to say it, just like a hooker parading her wares in a window in Amsterdam. You have worked out your best side, your most beguiling stance and you have them come flocking, every time. I am impressed by it; I have to say. You make it seem so real. You fooled me, there was no doubt about it. You have used your experience and you are experienced, to heighten the sensation so it is better than anything else. It is probably better than the real thing. I know you are just going through the motions but I am wise to you, I would be a fool if I was not, but there are countless of them out there who will fall for it time and time again. You won’t be going out of business, not at all. You will have a steady stream of those willing to have sugar poured in their ear, hear those honey-coated words tumble from those oh so inviting lips. And the promises, oh the promises. So difficult to resist, so inviting, so exciting. They clamour for your attention in the end. I find it odd in a way because you are selling yourself but you don’t actually have to sell yourself do you? They come to you. They flock in their droves, lured by your siren call and you always deliver. You always give them exactly what they want. You did that with me. You knew what I wanted and you provided it for me, in spades. It was sensational and you got me hooked so I didn’t want it from anyone else. That is pretty powerful.

I wish I knew how it felt though. How does it feel to live like this? How does it feel knowing that everything is a show, a performance and it isn’t real? What is it like being so shallow? Do you even care? Perhaps you don’t, after all you are getting what you want aren’t you? Well we both are actually so we should both be delighted with it, but why is it that I am not? Why is it that I feel used? I thought I was the one who was in control, I thought I was the one who was calling the shots and yet I always seem to surrender that control to you. I thought I was the one who got to play the tune and you danced to it but then it doesn’t always work that way does it? I wish I could work out why that was. You make me feel like you at times, or at least you make me feel how I imagine you feel, cheap, used, dirty, a whore.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. This is all you know isn’t it? This is how you have had to adapt, how you have to ensure you survive by getting people to do what you want, to make them like you, to make them adore you and love you. I wonder how long you will carry on like this? Is this the way it is always going to be? Is this you are consigned to do for the rest of your life, seeking a way through the vagaries of your existence by always doing what the other person wants. You need to please don’t you? That’s how you survive. You exist only through the permission and desires of the others. You may think you wield the power, you may think that pleasure, absolute please, joy, ecstasy and delight are within your gift but you are beholden to provide those things because if you do not then you are nothing. You are nothing. Nothing without me. Nothing at all. I made you who you are, you need me although you will tell me that I need you. Perhaps we need one another? I don’t like to think that is the case because I have to be the one that makes the decisions, pulls the strings and gets what I want. I dictate and you react. That’s the way it is isn’t it?

So, you carry on doing what you do best. Carry on imagining that people really do love you, that people really do like you and that they want to be with you because you are so wonderful and delightful. It is your performance that they want and you had better not forget that. You had better remember that you are beholden to their desires. You dance to the tune and he who pays the piper plays the tune. Everybody pays though don’t they? The payment is what it is all about and you always make sure you get paid. You are never short-changed, ripped off or discounted. You won’t do anything without extracting your payment and you make sure you get full value for your endeavours don’t’ you? Nothing for free. Everybody pays. Nothing because you want to do it or feel you should. It is all about the payment. That is all you want, the payment for yourself.

Whore.

I hate you.

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61 thoughts on “Whore”

  1. Wow. Harsh. Interestingly I remember ‘him’ saying ‘my whore’ to me. Once, only once. So cheapening. Like complete ownership. I was numb. I still hear those two words in my head.

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  2. Every relationship is somehow symbiotic. So rant & rave all you like…
    As much as I need you & the validations of the golden period (which is why I used to work so hard to get back there) you need the fuel I provide every step of the way. Like cogs in a watch we move in sync. One action causes a reaction which instigates the next & so on. Throw a lit firecracker into a full box of them and watch what happens.
    We let you believe you pull the strings and that we are just puppets. We watch how you respond too and know in some ways that we pull your strings from time to time.
    And in some cases (such as mine) “whore” is a term of endearment. There is no shame in knowing I’ve done what I thought was right. And through your articles and knowing the demon of the narcissist, I’ve also learned to see many different options and make better decisions.
    Great article!!

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  3. You are sooo clever HG!
    I see this as going both ways.
    I can see one of your exes saying this to you and then all the fuel that you would be receiving from it.

    When it gets towards the end I see some of the things that my ex said to me.
    “You are nothing without me”
    “We need each other”
    “I hate you”

    When you say everybody pays are you saying that everyone in your life will pay for what happened to you?

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    1. Yes talking about himself. My narc even said it, “I have become a man whore.” He knew he was performing for people, doing their bidding out of oure desperation. An aging narc with no money, ED and the need for fuel and admiratuon, in his case, becomes a whore to attention and whatever whoever supplies him.

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      1. Sarabella, your narc, sounds so much like mine, maybe he is the same person? He is 53, like yours… He had told me before I went no contact: “Now I need to settle (secret girlfriend that I have no knowledge of despite being ‘best friend’ of the narc) for somebody who is so much less than you.” He also said that when I called him on his cell, he always asked the girlfriend to leave his apartment as I was the priority. I told him the way he treated that woman is just awful. Poor girl. It looks since I was non-intimate supply, he was growing me as potential primary intimate supply hiding his other adventures and pretending I am the only one he wants and admires. Then, when I decided to build a distance between us and lessen the contact, which was too intensive for a healthy friendship, he punished me with the truth, revealing to me all the secret girlfriends he had during time when he posed to be alone, and how they never worked for him because they are nobody’s comparing to me. I was sick to my stomach. Lies, dishonesty and hidden agenda. It was so hard to learn he had never been my true friend. He kept me as his supply when I believed that he is an honest man and true friend. Before NC, I said to him that he is a lunatic believing I could be a male whore like him.That the way he treats women in his life (objects to meet his emotional or sexual needs), is disgusting. I went no contact, that guy is a typical narc predator with no conscience. I declined the membership in his harem and I am living happily ever after. He was such a bad experience to me. Crushed my soul. The moment he showed me who he really is was horrible.

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      2. Yes, he crushed my soul pretty good. I also refused membership in his Harem. No way. And that helped me when you said that it was too intensive for a healthy friendship as I have often puzzled why he and I can’t be friends. For one, he was never a true friend. And amazing how he used to say, not matter what happens, always friends first. Which was a pretty sick thing to say as many of the things he did to me one would never do to a friend. So how did he expect to be forgiven and sure, fine, lets be friends? I can only think he is so used to really messed up women that would tolearate that and hang around. I get now alot of his secondary and tertiary supply can have fun with who he is and as long as they are not intimate, can overlook what an ass he is. I had the misfortune of getting close to him, completely misunderstanding all the ‘nice’ ways he was with the other supply. But the women that hang around, once I know he was intimate with, I am guessing, maybe they are more messed up than me to not see this all. Maybe I am far healthier than I ever gave myself credit for. And to jump onto HG’s other posta bout the bad advice people give, maybe when I started to give the Narc what he wanted (his space and leav him alone), he responded to my escape attempts just as HG wrote about as I wasn’t supposed to escape. I was supposed to hang around, waiting for crumbs and more abuse. I got to a point where I told him unless he owned up to what he had done to me, we would never, ever be friends as I can never get past that. So, we aren’t. I use one benchmark now for him, has he EVER protected a woman in his life for real? I pretty much know the answer is no. He would harm anyone emotionally and spiritualy and has and does. Without any sense of wanting to protect someone, there can never be any hope of any bit of love. Because love is protection, care, awareness.

        Yes, when I saw who he really was, I have never been so devastated and let down by another person as I was him.

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  4. Terrible. I felt like this when I got envonlved. I was already in a relationship for 8 years with a wonderful man. I am glad that he gave me another chance and now I few I am with the light and I am protected . I don’t want the narc. to come close .

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  5. This post makes me want to rant and rave. Seriously I could never win. There is no winning. If I was dressed to the nines and a willing participant with him I was deemed overly sex driven, using him for his body, uncouth, Nast dirty , attention seeking whore, and slutty. If I was all prim and proper looking and wary of his over abundance of attention and affection , I was robotic, cold, ice queen, unapproachable and ” like a mother”… man oh man it messed with my head. I think at times it still does.sometimes I still don’t know how to be…..

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    1. Star
      How about being you and f*ck what everybody else thinks. You will never please everyone, not to mention it is not your job to please anyone. Dont equate winning with pleasing someone other than yourself.

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      1. Codependents, like deep rooted codependents, have serious difficulty even recognizing their own feelings or sense of self, much less asserting those things ahead of someone else’s. Saying it isn’t their job to please is nearly incomprehensible.

        I’m not saying Star is codependent. I just know how it felt when people have said similar to me. It’s like speaking another language. Or maybe like telling the narc they don’t have to hurt people and don’t have to always put themselves first.

        Pleasing is not winning, pleasing is surviving..It’s turning off the hatred, either from others or from within. It’s neutral, and maybe if the demon we’re trying to appease is feeling generous, we’ll be rewarded with just enough validation, love, praise, attention, anything… to prevent our souls from starving to death.

        This one reminded me of “Prayer” somehow.

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      2. Cherrylin
        Fair enough. I guess just the way some hope HG will get the message, some dare to hope that those who think in the way that you describe will see what they are doing is futile if they hear it enough. You can never fulfill anyone else and it is not noble or loving to think you can. Its simply avoidance of loving yourself. Whats the alternative? To keep saying yes yes dear, i understand. Take your time, all the time you need. Keep talking about it but never acting. Keep finding a way to please someone else right up until your death and you will be fulfilled? Perhaps that is what people want, just comfort in knowing there are others like them to prevent them from feeling they should act, and not others who have acted to end that cycle. My mistake-I thought people were here to find a way out of that trap and that there are others who believe you can do it. Point taken.

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      3. NA,
        I was worried that my comment might get taken badly, but I love your reply. It perfectly sums up the struggle for people to gain awareness of themselves and to break free of those defense mechanisms. It also shows the frustration from people looking at the situation objectively, and offers a challenge to grow.

        I’m sorry Star, I think I hijacked your comment.

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      4. Cherrylin
        It was not taken badly, but you should never be concerned about that. You replied with what you felt and what you feel matters (practice saying that to yourself daily until you believe it). I may rain down hellfire in my response to you but I will be more pleased about the fact that you had an opinion and voiced it along with your reasons (not that you need a reason) than if it meshed with mine. This is the place to find your footing and bring those feelings to the light of day. You are among those who know and understand, and what better place to begin flexing those muscles so that one day you may use them in defence of yourself against those who make you feel less than you should. There are more people rooting for you than you know and we are not all comforting in our approach, but we root for you nonetheless.

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      5. Thank you NA, I will practice saying that. Ive already been trying to practice saying no. It sounds like they will reinforce each other.

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  6. Is it about us or about you? Or about both in different ways? Self-hate projected on us? I believe, that this was said to you after that incident and what you do not want to think about yourself.
    Yes, that could be the cold, hard truth. It was not the incident itself, what made you change, maybe it were the reactions after the incident and all the other negative stuff in your childhood. Of course, it was your guilt, that you have been abused. How could you? The little boy seduced the woman. How could the golden child behave like that? And then, you were the one, who was guilty. No we are the ones, who are guilty.
    You liked, what she and you did. The feeling of tenderness, the little dirty secret, the feeling to be loved. And you trusted her. She was so nice to you, very, very nice. Like we are or do. Are we traitors too? Are we that nice to betray you? What is wrong, what is right?
    With your intellect you know who is wrong, but your feelings do not agree.
    No, love does not help. Only the cold, hard truth. You were abused in many different ways and you cannot deal with it in a healthy way.

    I will go now. Although I do not want to admit, you helped me a lot to understand, what happened and why I was targeted and why he hates me that much and why he needs control about everything. I heard about his next victim. He controls her much more than me. It gets worse from woman to woman.
    Thank you for that look insight your soul.

    Good luck for you and your aims. I wished that your prime aim would be to be the first one in history who is healed of NPD. But I must accept that you go another way.

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    1. I never considered that it could get worse with each succesive victim, but that makes a lot of sense as narcs probably hone their skills over time. Thank you, Mona!

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      1. Mine sat and told me that someone he convinced to go on camera to masturbate later lost it in him. He described it as what maybe he did wrong. But the perspective I got was what he did wrong to not control the situation, not that he likely coerced and manipulated the woman and this is why she was so angry at being duped and conned. He was contemplating how to fix his game, not the harm he caused someone. So next time, he could do better…be a better narc.

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      2. good example, sarabella. as people better understand the narc dynamic, hopefully they will also hone their defensive skills!

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  7. HG!
    Powerful,impressive,brilliant article! With lots of introspection!
    My interpretation: the narcissists’ inner dialogue of who they really are..
    HG: Is this how the narcissist looks at himself? As a whore? The ones that are aware of who they are? How does it ” feel” to know it?

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      1. No..I think the narcissist is speaking about himself AND :
        1. The ones that made him to be who he is
        2. The ” victim” who has become a ” whore” by being entangled with a narcissist.

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      2. What I mean is that the narcissist is both projecting his own feelings of being a ” whore”and blaming( blame-shift) the above mentioned!

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    1. Thank you Superxena.

      One can read the article in different ways. If you read it as an inner dialogue of a narcissist then it is fair to say that we prostitute ourselves for the purpose of gaining fuel. Of course, we would never admit this externally.

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      1. So the narcissit’s knowledge of ” prostituting” himself in order to get what he wants does not make him hate himself? As you stated on your last sentance: “I hate you” .Meaning in reality that the narcissist “hates” himself?

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      2. HG..let me rephrase the question:
        Do you think the narcissist hates himself for ” prostituting” himself in order to obtain what he wants?

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      3. Makes sense. I wish npd survivor communities grasped that many narcs ultimately have strong parts of themselves that hate themselves. I saw utter self hatred. I knew he was prostituting himself for things and he later confirmed. He knew he was rhe whore, not me.

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      4. Damn right that the narcissists and all who are “whoring” with them will ever admit to be the WHORE.
        Their high time is NOW.
        But one day they shall all be dismissed in shame.

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      5. HG
        seeing that you want to tell as it is in your ” helping” victims..
        then in my opinion you should have also pint point that actually the whore is the narcissist…
        or the crude truth it is too painful?

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      1. HG I love you for giving me so much support!
        I learned so much in the last weeks since having discovered your blog.
        I am able to act much cooler towards the narcissist, identify his approaches simply as efforts to gain his fuel.
        I read ‘No Contact’. And ‘Sex and the Narcissist’
        I am going to read ‘Chained’ soon…

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    1. This is triggering a comment he made to me once. He thought that my ‘messing’ around with him was indicative of no values, no better than anyone else and whatever. I told him I am not like that and he tried to tell me that I was not different and that was all al lie. What he failed to grasp is that quite literally, his culture and mine are nothing alike. And people whoring where he lives is extremely common for money and the like. Me? I am not a player, not a whore, I sell myself for no one or nothing. I actually really, really liked him and I ALSO had expectations of him to care, treat me well, be open and honest. It was he who was all secrets treating everyone as objects and incapable of loving anyone. He made some BS statement once about not wanting to sneak around and keep secrets but that was a lie. But since he engages so much with people on a gutter level, he really could not even see that I was not prostituting myself for him and would never for anyone. I had actually loved him. And for that, he reacted in rage and anger when I had expectations of reciprocity which, on that gutter level of exchange, is not allowed as I get it. The Madonna/Whore complex was raging in him and that was all symptomatic of HIS problem and was not my problem.

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      1. I just thought it so lame because he was the slut and whore. But you know, its all a part of them wanting to drag you down to their level. The level they are truly at inside, not the fake level they pretend on the surface with their superiority complexe.

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  8. or isn’t it disappointed narcissist talking to another narcissist? A little wound speaking? Seems like both are about facades, fuel and control.

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  9. My narc only commented on my lack of self-respect and pride. But I knew it was just words to hurt. And the places I was that way was me actually consciously healing some of my own stuff, even if it didnt look good to him. But he has no pride himself. And I think what motivated so much of his vitriole is he couldn’t and can’t stand being genuinely loved. His terror of intimacy drives this projected behavior. He doesn’t get that of course and it took me a while, but I think its true.

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  10. In the Narcfamily, everyone is set up to lose. Narcjunior can never do or be enough. He loses. Narcparents lose over and over again as he fails to satisfy their impossible needs. Later, Narcjunior sets his relationships to lose. No human can ever provide a ceaseless supply of fuel to fill his bottomless pit. As he draws the last dregs from his latest, or she escapes, his partner loses. But so does he. Again. The narcissist is always consumed by this need to settle the score and the reason isn’t because he is winning. When a person wins, there is no all consuming need to settle the score because it’s already been done.

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  11. I’ve heard most of this before. Once he said he was sorry he called me a whore, he meant to call me a slut. He even admitted that it’s “different” for men; they are expected to sleep with as many women as they can. And he did. All the time. I didn’t know that I was being humiliated, I thought I was giving him all my love. But he said he was proving how much I wanted sex, not showing my love. I hate him. I loved an illusion and I hate the monster who created it.

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  12. Gear article, HG! Mine is an attention whore. Me, me, me! Everything he says is for attention. Nobody seems to notice, though.

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