Losing My Grip



Do you still remember the first time we held hands? I do. I will never forget. We were walking alongside the river. I had seen you walking there on numerous occasions previously. I would pass you and see you ambling along, completely lost in your own world. I would lean against a nearby tree and watch you as you would stand on the riverbank and gaze out across the flowing river. I would stare at the back of your head as I concentrated on working out what you would be thinking. Occasionally you would take out your ‘phone and take pictures of the river before standing once again in silent contemplation. You wore simple, sensible outdoors attire for these frequent walks. Your only concession to glamour was the scarlet scarf you wore about your neck. You were a creature of habit always taking this walk in early evening at the same time during the summer and then on the cusp of dusk through autumn and winter. You did it every day and each day you would spend some time staring out across the flowing water.

Once in a while you would make this walk with a friend and it was through her that I plotted to get to know you. You and your friend would both drive to the car park and then meet by the café on the edge of the car park and the path that wound along by the river’s edge. I noticed how you always arrived and left independent of one another. It was as if your friendship relied on being contained to this walk and nothing else. After seeing this ritual on many occasions I saw you drive away but your friend went to the café. This was my chance. Taking a replica of the scarf that you wore I entered the café and interrupted your friend as she stood in a short queue.

“Excuse me,” I smiled, ” I was walking along the path and your friend dropped her scarf, I have it here.”

“Oh thank you,” your friend replied and smiling took the scarf from my hand.

“Not a problem, did you enjoy your walk?” I asked pleasantly.

“Yes it is a lovely spot here isn’t it?”

“Absolutely and no matter what the weather or the season there is always something different to see,” I explained. She nodded and using my customary charm I found myself sat with the friend and enjoying a warm drink together. It was in the course of that discussion, a polite conversation on a chilly autumnal late afternoon that I learned your name. Once armed with this information and remembering the other shards of your life that your friend had mentioned in innocent reference I soon tracked you down on Facebook. There I worked through your profile, admiring your photographs and finding more about you. I spent time checking through the films and books that you had liked. They were not many, only a half a dozen in each category and I noticed that Memoirs of a Geisha was one of your favourite books. I knew this book and also its author. As I worked through the pictures I saw the ones of the river where you often stood and I beneath each one you had posted the same quotation which you attributed to someone who I knew was the author of Memoirs of a Geisha.

A little later I saw you stood contemplating the river once again and this time I walked up besides you.

“Never give up for even rivers someday wash dams away,” I said. You turned and smiled at me.

“Arthur Golden,” you answered naturally recognising the quotation and referring to the author of one of your favourites books.

“Correct,” I smiled, “is that why you look out over this river every day, to give you hope?” I asked.

You looked at me as if evaluating whether you should admit me to your confidence. Your did not take long to decide.

“Absolutely. It gives me hope that by looking on something so natural and beautiful as this that it will wash certain things away.”

I knew from the way you had answered that there was more to tell but now was not the time. We talked a little while and then I left you to your contemplations. After that you always said hello and we stood and talked as little by little I was given entry into your world. From standing at that same point we moved on to walking along the river bank as we got to know one another. I took care to walk in step with you. I knew the places you liked to stop and enjoy the view, since I had watched you do so on many times before. Like other fragments of your life that I had learned, I had memorised this and used it to stand with you and comment in an appreciative fashion about the river, the trees and the way the light would strike the surface of the water. Carefully, like the skilled artisan that I am, I would peel away a piece of your life and add it to my own as I grew to know more about you. You spoke of work, your home life and your interests. I noticed you never met your friend for a riverside walk again and it appeared that I had supplant her as your riverside companion. Each time we would walk, talk and then have a drink in the café as my knowledge about you grew. I ensured that I said the things I knew would bring about the best response from you. I knew what to say to make you interested and attentive. I could tell, for I had seen such looks before, that the way you looked at me meant more than just companionship.

Then after perhaps two weeks, maybe a little more, as we strolled along that peaceful riverbank I reached out and took your hand in mine. You did not hesitate. There was no resistance and you allowed my larger hand to engulf yours as you slipped your hand into mine. The movement was natural. You looked at me with a smile and I saw the light flare in your eyes as you felt my power surging from within. You did not let go of my hand once on that walk. In fact that became your signature. The fact you always loved to hold my hand. No matter where we were you would take it and hold on, even twisting your movements to avoid letting go. It was as if you had vowed that whenever you took my hand you would not let it go until I decided. I saw it as your signal of intent to care for me. It was a marker, your way of telling me that no matter what happened you would always be by my side and ready to care for me.

The handholding created this marvellous connection between us. I felt your love and admiration flowing through this handhold and in return you got to savour my brilliance. It was a fantastic connection that had been fashioned in high heaven. The moment our fingers entwined the connection was established and we both got something from it. That was why it worked. That was why we worked. That was why I worked you as I did.

I took full advantage of that but then I think you wanted me to didn’t you? That was why you always held my hand until you let me down. It was only once and you let go. You were never supposed to let go. You never had before despite everything I did, you always clung on. You always gave me that reassurance but then you took it away. I realised that you had no choice but to let go but you still let me down when you did it. I can never forgive you for that. Ever.

Sometimes I can still feel your grasp sliding from mine, the fingers slipping by and then.


Lightning does strike twice.

151 thoughts on “Losing My Grip

  1. Jasmine says:


  2. XXX says:

    If you return to punish and you recieve another wound, will you leave your ex supply alone for good?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It depends on the type of narcissist, the perceived fuel available, other fuel sources available and the nature of the wounding. There are always various factors to consider. As a general rule though if you wound a second time, most of our kind (save a Greater) will back off and seek fuel elsewhere.

  3. Angelic says:

    i feel it..

    irreparable damage
    Harm perpetrated or threatened by one party on another in which no amount of reparation could return the damaged party or property to its original condition. Often used as the basis for obtaining positive relief from a court to prevent the harm from occurring or reoccurring in the future.

    I found it on google

  4. Angelic says:

    when i read it i perceived that it must have been sort of 2 narratives .
    I always surprise myself…
    I know i am a very perceptive soul, but i tend to doubt myself a lot.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      And that doubt is what we exploit.

      1. Angelic says:


  5. strongerwendy says:

    King Tudor,
    I’m a big fan of The Police. I was listening to them while working/writing and I happened upon a song I’ve listened to many times, but now has renewed meaning. It is a song for your kind called “King of Pain.”
    Hmmm, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sting was a narc…


    Good title for a blog post too.

    1. Empath23 says:

      My ex narc claimed this as his song.

  6. Just Curious says:

    If you are painted black, how can you have yourself painted white by the narcissist after dis-engagement or escape?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You can never guarantee that this will happen because it is our choice and in some instances, no matter how hard you might try to ‘do the right thing’ you remain painted black.

      1. XXX says:

        Do you only return to your ex if she is painted white even if your sole aim is to punish her?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, fuel is the determinant.

      2. Geminimom says:

        If the wife is painted white will she still be subjected to the mind games or any kind of manipulations that the narc does? Or is it only when we are painted black? If so, my narc must flip flop a lot weekly.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The flip flop is something that does happen a lot GM.

      3. Lisa says:

        HG what dictates this painting of black and white , you have said victims that escape are not necessarily painted black and no doubt not all you have disengaged with are painted white , I guess it’s a mixture . Have you written about how this is decided by the narcissist ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You will be painted black when you try to escape, but if you are stopped by a Preventative Hoover you become white again. If you manage to escape you are painted black. If you respond favourably to the Initial Grand Hoover and return to the Formal Relationship then you will be painted white. In essence, if you are compliant with our wishes you are white, if not, you are black.

  7. strongerwendy says:

    Mr. Tudor,

    How old were you when you realized what you were? And was it after or before you were coerced into talking to the doctors?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Around 21. Before.

      1. strongerwendy says:

        How old are you now Mr. Tudor?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Older than 21

          1. strongerwendy says:

            Ha ha! How did I know you’d answer with a non- answer….? ☺
            Must get my focus back on work. No more discretionary reading this, afternoon.

          2. strongerwendy says:

            I’ve found my answer (approximate anyway) ☺

      2. Angelic says:

        Wow! HG
        when promiscuity was discovered, all hell broke loose.
        And your true love’s heart was shattered in millions pieces, irreparably damaged.

  8. Twilight says:

    Sometimes I can still feel your grasp sliding from mine, the fingers slipping by and then.


    That goes both ways

  9. 12345 says:

    My close girlfriends would ask me why I continued to stay with someone that treated me like shit. I never went into childhood trauma or anything like that. I always said “he holds my hand”. I never felt more loved than when he held my hand. Not thru sex or talking or spending time together. Not even a warm long hug. Holding my hand meant that he was protecting me, loving me and holding on to me. It was like a tether. I belonged to him. Nothing could harm me when he was holding my hand.

  10. Pam says:

    Wow! H.G. Is exactly what he says he is… there are no other options. Take him literally and at face value. I get it H.G.

  11. B says:

    Is this actually real and true and your recollection of actual events that you took place in? Or is this a story you have just made up?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is the combination of two true narratives.

      1. Angelic says:

        Which one then was more important to you?
        The female of the river bank?
        Or the one that would hold your hands for dear life?
        Provided i have the right perception here.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You have the correct perception Angelic, it is the latter.

      2. B says:

        Your answer is evasive and you haven’t actually said that yes this happened to you.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes it did happen. Yes I combined two narratives that happened.

      3. Angelic says:

        Thank you HG

  12. One time we sat in his brand new Cadillac, and the sun was reflecting off of the shift stick, so I covered it with my hand to stop it from blinding me. He was on the phone, and when he saw that, he immediately put his hand over mine, caressing it softly. The touch sent such a warm energy all over me. I fell in love with him in that moment.
    When we kissed about a week after for the first time, that energy was there again, and each time since then.

  13. Matilda says:

    Interesting how you move in for the kill… so smoothly.

    Pre-narc, I would have found that to be a sweet gesture by someone who is too shy to approach her directly, and wants to get to know her a little beforehand to make a good first impression. Post-narc, all alarm bells would go off.

    We not only have to be vigilant ourselves, but also brief those we interact with on the dangers!

  14. karen1303 says:

    Am I right in thinking Sam Vaknin has a long term wife? I believe she accepts him for who he is.
    HG you may have numerous marriage proposals from readers here if you decide to couple with someone who knows and accepts.
    I’m going hat shopping!

    1. Angelic says:

      haha hahahaha ..

    2. giulia says:


    3. Love says:

      Lol! That’s funny Karen. Will you be looking for a colorful hat or a black one with a veil? I cannot imagine a marriage with Sam V being an easy one despite the honesty. I believe he is a cerebral greater. Which maybe is more tolerable because he probably locks himself up in a room and only enjoys the company of his brain all day long. As for Mr. Tudor, I cannot see how the marriage would be a happy one for the bride. Being an elite greater, he needs stimulation from the outside. Despite her knowledge of his character, can she truly accept and be at peace with him? What will she think every time he steps out of the house?

      1. karen1303 says:

        Hi Love, I’m thinking more diamond studded tiara now. I’m sure the wedding will be in the very highest taste so I doubt mere hats would make the cut for the guests…actually ‘I’ wouldn’t make the cut for the guest list either. Far too plain looking.
        All said tongue in cheek. In reality the only person I would wish HG on is my own Ex Narc haha.

        1. Love says:

          Lol! Yes siccing a greater narc on him does sound like a great revenge. Btw, I’m sure you would absolutely make the ‘cut’ and be invited to the VIP section. Hugh Heffner has his bunnies. Mr. Tudor has his empaths ❤

          1. karen1303 says:

            Hi Love, haha at Mr. T’s empaths! Comparing us to Playboys bunnies. Love it!
            Yes I would LOVE to put the ex husband in a room with HG. The ex would hate him because he’s everything the ex isn’t but wants to be. HG would eat him for breakfast with his intellect and I can visualise the ex running around HG trying to sound all big and aggressive and intellectual while HG stands calmly grinning at him winding him up. Oh I have a new fantasy!
            Hey HG, ever considered a side line of confronting our ex’s? questioning them on our behalf? Name your price Mr. T! 😄

          2. HG Tudor says:

            It would be rather expensive Karen1303!

          3. karen1303 says:

            What if money was no object?
            Wonder how much can you get for a kidney nowadays?…..

          4. HG Tudor says:

            I would find such a task edifying.

          5. karen1303 says:

            Destroying my ex or extracting my kidney?

      2. Matilda says:

        “I cannot imagine a marriage with Sam V being an easy one despite the honesty.”

        I watched a documentary about him, Love. It was interesting to see how he interacts with others, and especially his wife… he cannot tolerate independent thinking, must always be right, must always have the last word! She remarked that she had experienced much worse than him, that she was used to such behaviour and chose to stay with him. Bless her…

        I would have given him a dressing down for each and every one of his disrespectful remarks, his ears would have been ringing still two days later. Though, now we know, that’s not how you do it! It’s just fuel and you end up looking like the crazy one.

        How about sign language, or showing him cards like a referee? Yellow for ‘this is a warning’, red for ‘you asked for it, now brace yourself’. 😀 It’s communication without fuelling, but it might not be immediate enough to be highly effective.

        In dog training circles, special (water-filled, remotely controlled) collars are used to re-train unruly canines. Whenever the dog barks unreasonably –pfft, pfft– water is sprayed into his face. It works wonders. How about a narc collar, disguised as necklace? 😀

        1. Love says:

          Thank you Matilda. The documentary sounds fascinating. Funny that his wife finds a cerebral greater easier than what she’s previously experienced. Maybe she was with a physically abusive Lesser. Lol makes Sam a walk in the park. LOL at doggy training camps for narcs! Great visual but in all honesty – why bother? Too much effort and time spent trying to fix something that will never change.
          Mr. Tudor, will you ever do a documentary film?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            It is a distinct possibility at the right time.

          2. strongerwendy says:

            Oooh, I have all kinds of ideas for a documentary of your kind (really). Would I have to be blindfolded to interview you? 🙂

          3. HG Tudor says:

            You don’t have to see me to interview me

          4. strongerwendy says:

            Mr. Tudor,
            A documentary would be filmed so, theoretically, I’d want to film around you while conducting the interview – while not revealing who you are. But how to do that without actually seeing you myself? 🙈
            A conundrum.

          5. strongerwendy says:

            HG, Does an interview require the consulting fee?

          6. HG Tudor says:

            No it doesnt

          7. strongerwendy says:

            Then ‘ll contact you via 1909 email re: interview

      3. Matilda says:

        You’re welcome, Love. Yes, her staying indicates a traumatic past.

        The sophisticated among them are highly intelligent and could do so much good if their energy could be channelled in the right direction, and their behaviour pushed towards the socially acceptable. What a waste of potential!

        But then again, ‘why bother?’, as you rightly say. Life would be an endless battle with a guy like that, to achieve a balance of powers. Not worth it.

      4. Twilight says:


        Maybe a balance of “powers” is what changes the dynamics of things. Only the two would know, everything on the outside would just be opinions.

      5. Matilda says:


        Yes, it could change the dynamics to something more stable. The problem however is that the narc thinks rules do not apply to him. It would be on the empath to monitor behaviour and enforce rules. Why bother, if you can have someone honest and loving instead?

        1. Twilight says:

          I understand and see your perspective on this, and agree on many levels with you.
          I just don’t believe it is an impossible situation, yet it would not be easy either.
          The greater I was with, was easy when COMPARED to my life.

      6. Matilda says:


        Ah, I see. Yes, it’s all a matter of perspective, and different pain tolerances.

    4. Pam says:

      true about Sam

  15. Amy S. says:

    His look today is like he wished he could kill me …

    1. Angelic says:

      I know the feeling Amy S

    2. giulia says:

      Well Amy….enjoy that…put on a big smile and enjoy his frustration over you…you could walk by and say something like…”take care” :))

      1. Amy S. says:

        I might at the end

      2. Amy S. says:

        and snap!!!!

      3. Amy S. says:

        If I said that he would ignore me back. Lol

      4. Amy S. says:

        I just have him a big smile earlier and that’s it. Now he seems confused, keeps going back and forth trying to get a reaction it’s freaking me out.

    3. Sophia says:

      Amy S
      many times when we walk along ..
      he would be walking behind me..
      when i turned, i often catch him being still in his owm tracks wrunging and twisting his all body in ( what it looks like to me) a fit of rage..
      It is very freaky i am telling you.
      When i ask what is he doing he says: “nothing”
      It has happened so many times.
      Demonical, i should think.

      1. Amy S. says:

        Gosh… scary

      2. Amy S. says:

        Mine looks like he is raging inside today.

      3. Sophia says:

        Yes Amy S
        but it doesn’ t scares me anymore
        its annoying me because he will refuse to give an explanation .

  16. Amy S. says:

    Beautiful story …

  17. Amy S. says:

    He will be nice, nice, nice and then snap!!!

    1. Angelic says:

      I know Amy S

      is like walking on a mine field

  18. Amy S. says:

    He is up to something mean, I can feel it

  19. Amy S. says:

    Has said ‘morning’ to me

  20. Giulia says:

    The funny thing is that I understand the protagonist’s pain….I UNDERSTAND(!!) I wouldn’t want to but I DO. And we know that with understanding comes some sort of responsability, so I think I should say something to ease the pain of the protagonist and to help him understand that he stops right before the best part of life. He lives on a square foot of living space and he goes from corner 1 to corner 4 eternally, without breaking free from his own prison.
    There will never be a woman capable of expanding his square foot beyond it’s natural limits. The protagonist has to walk out.
    However, the man could find someone willing to share his prison but as long as he makes it a living hell to stay….I doubt it.

    1. Angelic says:

      Absolutely true Giulia

  21. NoSoupForu says:

    You sound like that damn Picture of Dorian Gray. How pretentious. I can’t even read this drivel.

  22. Star says:

    This may be an odd question HG. You seem very self aware of your behaviour patterns and the reasons for what and why you do the things you do. You also seem to be very attracted to women with high empathetic qualities, women who are very forgiving, nurturing and caring and see the best in people. My question is why can you not be honest with them as to who you are and then the two of you can work together with open communication, understanding etc, and build something that is truly worthwhile? Or lol am I being completely naive and missing something here?Im curious being that you appear to be incredibly intelligent.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hitherto Star this could never happen because of the concern that the appliance that is sought after would back away and thus bring about a potential fuel crisis along with the wounding caused by rejection. More recently, the interaction and I have had here and through other communications has caused me to consider that there may be merit in coupling with someone who knows what I am and can accept that and all that comes with it. It is a consideration.

      1. Eowyn says:

        That is amazing. Personally, I am far less afraid of the truth than I am of being kept from it. I hope you take the risk.

      2. Angelic says:

        Wow HG

        that it is a wonderful news.

      3. M. says:

        Before I finished reading your answer, I thought of exactly the same.

      4. That’s very interesting. So this is a recent idea? It would be very educational to learn how that would play out. Of course we would be rooting for you and if she let you down….well….off with her head!

      5. strongerwendy says:

        Mr. Tudor,

        ” accept all that comes with it”
        This person would have to accept infidelity, devalue, discard and fury?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Potentially yes, but they may be better equipped to avoid those things knowing what I am.

      6. 12345 says:

        That’s amazing HG!!!! If you do this you could take your books and market them all over the world and be a kabillionaire while also bringing hope and healing to tens of thousands of people. Does it disgust you that I just said that? It was pretty darn gushy.

      7. VFH says:

        Have you considered HG that the reason you might feel this way is because you have been honest about yourself with us?

        We have not run screaming for the hills. In fact you have much sympathy and understanding despite how injured those of us survivors have been at the hands of your kind.

        It’s bittersweet to think that – as I and others have wondered elsewhere on your blog – that if you were able to be honest in a relationship, bear your soul and let yourself trust someone who loves you, rather than shut them out in case they hurt you, that many relationships/broken families could potentially have been avoided by letting “us” in, just as we do with you.

        I hope you find a way to do “the alternative” and that it’s rewarding enough for you to leave the darkness behind some day.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I think it has an impact yes.

          1. VFH says:

            OK. So. A couple of things….

            1) does the fact that you have considered this mean that you are not ‘happy’ being the way you are? That it’s not a satisfactory way for you to live? Rather than cruising along without a care being without remorse as you/your kind are? I’m just trying to make sense of that….there must be a link to emotion other than anger/bitterness somewhere then?

            2) Hypothetically speaking,

            If you met someone who measured up and made you feel that the alternative was a viable option, how might you be able to reassure her that it wasn’t all a ruse? Or if she were needing reassurance might that mean she’d most likely not be up to the mark in the first place?

            Ooh…a late runner at….

            3) do you have any idea what this elusive character might be like? Not physically. Character type i mean.

            Maybe you’d be giving too much away by answering.

      8. MLA - Clarece says:

        Hello HG. This comment you made to Star could be misleading. In fact I need clarification. You start off stating that being honest with an IP (appliance) cannot happen because it will ultimately drive her away. So first it’s flat out no.
        Then your next sentence goes on to say your blog interactions and other communications (probably therapy) has you “considering” “coupling” with someone who would know what you are from the onset.
        Right there…ah ah ah… I see the thread of comments of this surging hope in everyone that redemption is in your future if you would only embrace it. I am not disputing that it is a real consideration of yours.
        However you are still with your girlfriend, Kim, I believe. And in the past, you have not made Kim aware of what you are or the HG persona. I imagine because you do not want to “drive” her away. Especially since you mentioned in your radio interview last fall that you had her in a devalue mode. So yes, to find out what you are now, she could very well walk away. It’s 50/50 and I don’t know if those stakes are worth your energy from your world view.
        So is your “consideration” to begin with someone “new” at some future point? And if so, would you really try to embrace it with real honesty? Or is the novelty of trying on that dynamic with someone who does know from the onset an appealing challenge for something different in uncharted waters? If anything, it would make for an interesting article on the blog.

      9. Hope says:

        When you make your choice, HG. You will choose wisely – and you will never face rejection if she is a loving, caring Super Empath. I hope you do eventually team up with one and you two bring out the best in each other.

      10. Twilight says:

        If she let him down….
        She would go before the executioner look him square in the eye as he took her head. She will not fear death for she is made of much more then many know.

      11. sarabella says:

        But it would mean very early up front sharing this. Not after someone is hooked. My narc gave me his ‘honest’ speech but it was way too late. He had already out his hooks in so the speech wasn’t presenting a choice to me but rather was experienced as a massive devaluation and discard.

      12. Narc affair says:

        I cant see this working too well with a primary source especially a live in one bc devaluing would be inevitable with spending so much time together.
        Sam vaknin and his wife seem a close couple but we dont know the full extent of their relationship. I do no theres no sex as hes a cerebral. I feel sorry for his wife but i guess its her choice.
        My narc as much as i dont like it i think has the right idea. Hes never married and has only secondary sources. The devaluing is very rare. He gets his supply and his sources get the best of him or the best any narc could be.
        I dont like sharing him but its a reality and ive accepted this. This is his choice in life and my choice is how i choose to have him in my life. For now i choose to but there may come a day either itll only be friendship or we part ways. Time will tell and thats life anyways theres no guarantees.
        He wasnt upfront with me but it was pretty obvious going into it what the situation was. Any relationship with a narcissist whether upfront and honest or not will never be a conventional one. Expectations will be greatly lowered of a narcissist. Not committment material imo.

      13. strongerwendy says:

        But even knowing what to expect and accepting that – how would one avoid having fuel become stale? Seems to be very subjective…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Very much the case SW and therein lies the problem you face.

          1. VFH says:

            What i was wondering is that if you enter a relationship with this new viewpoint and offer up total honesty about yourself, what you’ve been/done/thought and found yourself with someone who makes you want “the alternative” then would it be possible that you’d leave that narcissistic lifestyle behind. There’s no guarantee that it would work of course.

            Perhaps I misunderstood the premise here ….HG do you mean that someone might come along that you feel comfortable being honest about your narcissism with and that she would have to accept all that entails? Not that you met someone who made you feel like shedding the construct and being your true self with?

          2. Twilight says:

            If you both knew and understood this, couldnt you let them know you were getting “bored” , maybe a disagreement mixed in the dynamics once in a while provide the contrast you need to keep things moving forward. Or is it that at this point you would have already changed your view of them black?

          3. strongerwendy says:

            Interesting Twilight.

            Mr. Tudor,

            If the providing of fuel is agreed to and planned, as opposed to spontaneous, and given to the narcissist when he indicates he is low on fuel is it still the kind of fuel that’s required? Kind of like the manufactured blood in the show True Blood.

            Scenario: they wake up in the morning and the empath asks “how are your fuel levels this morning? Need an extra boost? Positive or negative? Shall I shower you with my love or seem to be hurt by a slight?” And the narcissist could also say, “I’m feeling a bit low on fuel so I will be home late from work today. I will be seducing a potential source. See you when I get home”.

            Would the narcissist still see it as fuel if both were aware that the empath was willingly giving it because they narcissist had fully revealed what he was at the start of the relationship?

            The other conundrum to overcome would be stale fuel. After a while there is destined to be familiarity which would make the positive fuel no longer as exciting, new and potent. How to handle that? Periods apart could help in this regard (missing each other or mising that particular person’s brand of fuel) but would this situation move the empath out of primary status since they aren’t in close proximity to your kind every day?

            Finally, the empath would have to accept and expect infedelity up front due to the fuel needs of the narcissist, correct?

          4. strongerwendy says:

            The problem the empath faces or the problem your kind faces? Seems to be problematic for both sides.

          5. HG Tudor says:

            I was referring to the problem the empath faces SW, but you are correct that it could be viewed as a problem for both sides, albeit the outcome of it is invariably more problematic for the empath than for us.

          6. strongerwendy says:

            Hmmm. True. I’m thinking long distance relationships will have desirable fuel for a longer period of time.

      14. Lisa says:

        Another comment of yours that has truly shocked me !! 😀
        Wow were you sober when you wrote this 😜

      15. Jasmine says:

        Did you try it?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Not yet.

    2. Angelic says:

      that it is exactley what i think :
      why not be honest?
      Of course, as HG said, many of them do not know who they are.
      For me it wouldn’ t matter if one has has npd or not..
      but, as much as possible, honesty its important ..

  23. Love says:

    Beautifully written.
    I’m curious as to what happened to the friend? Is she still an IPSS?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you and no.

      1. Love says:

        But the friend became an IPSS at some point in your relationship?

  24. Free Bird says:

    I love that book. I hate that lightning strikes twice. Are we all doomed to keep attracting your type if we were raised by one? Nice guys to me equal boring. I wish I could love them but they drive me nuts. Bad boys are fun for awhile but then terrible. I wish I could fix this, but I am not sure how. I have taken myself out of the game only to get sideswept by another when I least expected it. 3 major narc relationships, one I think was also a psychopath. I always escape, but am so weary of it all.

    1. Amy S. says:

      “Are we all doomed to keep attracting your type if we were raised by one?”

      Is that so? HG?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You will keep attracting our type but through reading here you will become adept at spotting us and then you can evade.

        1. Amy S. says:

          Thank yiu

          1. HG Tudor says:


      2. sarabella says:

        I was thinking of this and how I attract them even in friendships. I am grasping I combine both parents and come up with a dousy of an experience for myself. 🙁

      3. SVR says:

        I think I am really strong now. I thought I saw him today and instantly I felt small again. Why was this? I know if it is him I just ignore but I was surprised ato my reaction.

        1. Amy S. says:

          I tend to do the same

        2. Amy S. says:

          Don’t know why

    2. Star says:

      This is so true Free Bird! the really nice guys can be boring or sometimes overly clinging. I hate that I’m the same way being more attacted to a bad boy. Met a lot of then recently online… but I know what the outcome will be so I have been true to what I know is healthy, looking for a good guy with a bit of spice to life:)

      1. SVR says:

        That pull is strong.. but it must continue to be severed. The human body is truly amazing. Keep away.

  25. Snow White says:

    Great story HG!
    But it does keep me on guard all the time when I’m out in public. I think of all the articles that you write about the prep work you do on your target and it really makes me look around when I’m at the gym.
    I am a creature of habit and I have the exact same routine M-F and I wonder who’s keeping track of me. Creepy.
    No wonder I still deal with paranoia.

    At the same time I can’t help but think if this hand holding ties in to the one hand that you still wish to hold.
    Have you given us that answer yet or is it still to be released in one of your books?
    I does make me sad to think that you believe everyone lets you down.

    1. Love says:

      Hi Snow. Good to see you ❤
      I think most empathic individuals are creatures of habit. It is comforting for us to be on a routine. If you are concerned about being tracked, I recommend changing some things up a bit. Nothing drastic but maybe occasionally take a different route on your walk. Try another coffee shop from time to time. Or sometimes go to a different class at the gym. It helps break the monotony and also reduces the chance of someone discovering your pattern. ❤

      1. Snow White says:

        Thanks Love!
        I have missed you ❤️
        Thanks for the suggestions. It always helps when others point things out to me.
        I am much more aware of others after hearing all of HG’s plotting and planning for his new victims. Lol

        1. Love says:

          Missed you too Snow. I’m happy to hear you are still doing the activities you enjoy. ❤

  26. strongerwendy says:


  27. indiglowsky says:

    Were you wounded because she literally let go of your hand or are you writing this symbolically?

    I have to confess, despite the creepy stalking, it was also rather romantic as well. Going the extra step like that would have worked on me….I would have been swept. God, will I trust anything a person does again? Is it ever legit? *Frowns*

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is actually the combining of two narratives.

      1. indiglowsky says:

        Of the same woman or more than one? I may be a bit slow to what you mean in your answer…I am guessing it is a writing tool you are using here with the same woman, using both an actual event that sat in your mind as a wound (though minor) that was foreshadowing the eventual outcome due to this moment or due to other things along the way? Or maybe I am wrong…Sorry, I may be lacking clarity here. Wordy me.

      2. VFH says:

        Very evocative and beautiful in a haunting way. Reading it has left me feeling very very sad.

        If you don’t mind me asking, was one of those narratives about your mother HG?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you VFH. No, it was not about Matrinarc.

  28. Mel says:

    HG, do you harbor resentment towards all of your exes??

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It depend son whether they are painted black or white. If black, yes along with hatred, contempt, disdain and disgust.

      1. Amy S. says:

        Nice … 🙂

      2. indiglowsky says:

        Do you consciously “paint” them black or white in your mind? Are you aware of it? It sounds like it. If so, you can change this way of thinking. Why not challenge this when it comes up in your consciousness, like say…ok, I am “painting this person in an extreme view, let me challenge this biased view with a more grey one”…like for example, when you are idolizing add in some flaws…when you are hating on them, add in some softer/kinder traits of the past you have seen. You can correct this way of viewing others. This is an easy fix, believe it or not. Just takes effort and practice. (Lots of it, but grey thinking will come).


      3. sarabella says:

        And the sickest part is I did nothing that merrited this attitude of his. Nothing. He was wounded because he got caught out in his game, because he couldn’t have his cake and eat it too… so many things that led into his ‘wounds’ were all about his trying to get away with his horrible behaviors Scott free.

      4. Lisa says:

        What if your exes are painted white then how do you look back on them HG?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I regard them in a positive light.

          1. Lisa says:

            Bloody Hell !! I wasn’t expecting that answer ha ha . Does that mean you still would want them back if the opportunity arose ?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            No. As explained previously Lisa, I am Nomadic in my approach, but I will of course use the fact I see them as white as an opportunity to gain fuel, character traits, residual benefits and use them for triangulation. I do not however resurrect a Formal Relationship with them.

          3. Lisa says:

            Are the ones painted white the ones that mostly escaped ?

          4. HG Tudor says:


          5. Lisa says:

            Oh I hate your one word answers lol have you done a post about why some are black and some are white ?

          6. MLA - Clarece says:

            Haha – I’ve called those caveman answers.

          7. Love says:

            I’m from a nomadic tribe, Mr. Tudor. We are meant to be. ❤

      5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Shit, I don’t regard any of my ex boyfriends in a positive light.

        Actually…wait…there is only one. We were like besties first lol. I hated him for like a year after the break up but then we reconnected and we have been friends since. All my other ex boyfriends are dicks and are painted black.

  29. strongerwendy says:

    “Lightening strikes.” Reading that seemingly innocuous phrase that was used as a weapon in my past just brought a little bit of the gut punch feeling back. Much dulled now, however.

  30. abrokenwing says:

    This is very beautiful..

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