The Truth of the Illusion
You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.
For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.
You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.
That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. I placed deep inside you a powerful mixture which when activated by your thoughts about me, your reflection on what happened and any consideration of what we did, had and said, will awaken the addictive qualities which caused you to fall for the illusion in the first place.It is a potent and dangerous mixture. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, through this mixture, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.
You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.
62 thoughts on “The Truth of the Illusion”
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I’m a bit of the odd man out since I wasn’t the primary source (I think) but I was a child wanting a mother. Instead I got a narc and spent years trying to win love and give love. Things that were useless. This all can apply to family, since people like parading that you have to deal with and love your family. It’s still an illusion they pull you in that you have to reject and escape.
I love how self serving that last line was. Sorry to say it, this only works once (briefly) till the person realises for sure what really happened. If course you want to believe they are always hanging on for you but heyyyyyyyyy guess what. – maybe they are actually thinking ‘irrelevant moron’ and enjoying ignoring you. Those of us who learn to smell your lot’s horse crap in the marked down flowers dressed as roses let you go the lovebombing then the second the devaluation starts can just roll our eyes and get on with our own merry way. Yep. We know you hate being ignored.
Write* Jeez that was an egregious grammatical error.
HG, what about a ring tone? Something we could download and assign to the ex narc contact card in our phones. Your commanding voice saying “do not answer…he never loved you” or “do not answer…this is a Hoover intended to gain fuel” or “do not answer…he hates you”. What do you think? I listen to you and what you write. I would heed a reminder in a ring tone that you would speak.
That is an excellent idea. I am sure I could record a sound file which readers could then download and attach to a particular number or numbers.
That is a wonderful idea ! I would text myself little reminders when he was still in my life like if he doesn’t do …..then you ignore his texts. The odd part of that was that he would know even when I didn’t tell him directly when I set a boundary and do the right thing. He would, at a later date, however, get back at me with a vengence .
HG , you should right about the supernatural connection between Narcs and Empaths. I am sure you have heard the stories and have a few yourself. Also maybe you can right about their uncanny ability to read people in seconds. Thanks
Yay!!!!!!!
Or…we could just BLOCK them all!!
…….just sayin :-/
HG, please do record that Narc repellent ringtone. I had used one of his voice messages “hi honey…” to configure it as his message notification. If I must hear a Narc’s voice, HG’s it is.
N’s just text benign hoovered. I hope he’s enjoying the fact I read it and my silent answer. Turning the tables around.
Lmao this gave me a good laugh this morning 😂 its a great idea tho! Maybe ” seize the power” too 😄
Hahaha, that’s a cool idea!
I can hear my husband asking why there’s a Bond villain going “No. Don’t pick it up” from my phone with a tag of “Warning Hag Calling” on the screen. Should be enough to make sure I don’t pick up though even with my absentminded ways.
I am so proud of myself I’ve finally come clean to my family about the abuse I’ve been suffering !! I cried for two hours I finally told on him !!! This the first time I’ve ever revealed my dark secret. I took everything out of the glory box to the burn box HG !!! 🙏😊
Please buy Mr. Tudors book Exorcism if you want to be Narc free! Read it then read again !
You are seizing the power.
I’m happy for you, Shantily!
A few months ago I felt an urge to confide in my mother, of all people . I was hopeful: maybe, this time she can listen/soothe/help/ console.
Big, huge mistake. After just a few words I got a powerful combination of criticism, disappointment in me and belittlement mixed with “praise” (“how can a woman so X,Y,Z like you be in a condition like this [sad]”), tears (for herself, mostly) and the following sentence “somebody told me that you have been envious of me all your life”
Got a painful remainder of the thing I have been searching for all my life.
No one can fully appreciate what we’ve been through and we can’t always count on support but my hiding it was keeping me sick ! I was living a lie … you’re here telling your truth so proud ! ❤️
No! That person is dead. & now that I’m gone he has turned to our kids. For them I will NEVER stop fighting. Sad thing is, they will get it, eventually, just like I did and I will be there to pick up their pieces because I know what real love is.
Hello HG! Been awhile..im sure you know what has happened with my situation and why i disappeared for awhile .I dont need to say it.. you know. You write so much about what us victims have been thru being entangled with your kind. Just a thought…could you write about whats its like being with your kind..in the here and now as a primary? Not sure if what i am asking u actually understand what im trying to say. Im very tired tonight. Thanks HG! (Sigh) ❤
I have made a note.
Thank you!
Pleasure.
The epitome of evasion there I think…
Hmm yes good point. You’d find a way I’m sure.
On a serious note, what of the learning platform possibility….? Could education in a more public capacity enable narcissism/sociopathy/psychopathy to just morph and “move on with the times” so to speak? Or is the devil’s toolkit essentially complete?
There is a fluidity to it, yes.
HG, how about some angry and harsh words from the Master? Maybe you can record a horrible voice message that deters me (and maybe others) from stalking social media/texting the N? Something along the lines “What the f**ck is wrong with you? you still don’t get it, do you” (I assume you can certainly come up with a couple of hurtful words, seasoned with a bit of humor, can you?). So that every time I have this nagging feeling, or God forbid , every time I give in, I can re-read your work and play your angry message.and calm down.
No problem.
If you ever consider doing this I will be thrilled and grateful. Maybe an audio message on this blog? or on your Youtube channel? That is for the purposes of deterring us.
BUT, in the case of actually succumbing to the urge of reaching out, maybe a different audio message should be recorded, like: “Haven’t you learn ANYTHING?? you (insert titles of failing empath) …”.
I believe it would be a nice twist, refreshing, invigorating and empowering. No malice, no empathy, just a well deserved shout from our mentor.
I like it Narseeker!
HG how about one of those little noisebox things. The shops do them seasonally, you know the ones; Halloween Wolf howl, coffin creaking open, witches cackle etc or like the fridge magnet that speaks when you open the fridge door “step AWAY from the chocolate”….you could do one with little Anti-Narc (i’ll TM that thank you…) vox pops on! I’d buy one! Hey there’s a whole merchandise market there – you could even do verticals in each segment! For the lesser, mid, Greater and then whatever stage you’re at….love bombing / seduction / discard / hoovers!! And then there’s crossing the emotional sea too….the opportunities are endless! Tee shirts! Too much?
Oooh…..I’m actually thinking this has legs!
I think thats a GREAT idea too HG. Narseeker has a point!! My tHiNg was English as well so I think Id find it pretty powerful…..or triggering, but either way, helpful.
“Get your reality down” (down sounding like …daann. Eww!) was his most favourite. Deep, loud, uneducated twang. Id love to hate that HG! TY! 😉
Hey narseeker…..something tells me you’ve not written that list yet have you 😉
Hi VFH, ha ha no I haven’t yet but I am feeling stronger today, after the words of encouragment 🙂 I wrote this a few days ago. It had been in moderation all this time and got posted today! Thank you very much 🙂
HG-
Another great piece! You’re right-the person we thought you were; even knowing now that it was all an illusion it is still hard to forget the image. Thanks for always reminding us of the truth!
Greetings HG, I am going to a dinner tonight with 12 people tonight. HE is going to be one of the people in attendance. I know he is only going because he knows I am too even though either of us can know that from the Facebook invite as we are blocked from each other. Just as I know so does he. He knows I am best of friends w the woman hosting the event. What he does not know is i invited my other close friend who acts as my personal bodyguard. Literally she has shut him down on other occasions when he gets close to me. He knows this but I am not sure if he will be in evil mode or in positive hoover mode and accept the challenge and try to sweet talk me. She won’t allow either which is why I asked her to come. Am I thinking in wishful mode if I believe he will actually leave me alone HG ? I know I should not put myself near him but I am not going to give up seeing my friends because of him. This will be the 3rd time near him. He has ignored me the last 2 times but this is a much more intimate setting HG and I am a bit concerned but I think I am ready to face my fears and prove I am untouchable. If he brings his new source or secondary source then I will expect to be left alone and assume his presence is innocent. He was an invited guest after All.
There is a risk that he will hoover you given your proximity to him, but it is difficult to state anything further without knowing which school he is from, whether he has an IPPS or IPSS who will be in attendance and how he responded when your friend shut him down twice before and in what circumstances. You will clearly activate a Hoover Trigger. Thus it depends if the HEC are met. It will be easy to communicate with you – either just trying to catch your eye or to speak to you – but the other factors mentioned will impact on whether the hoover is executed or not.
It strikes me HG that as well as the Narcissist Truths for the Young that we’ve been recommending you write, actually you should have a Helpline!! Seriously. For those moments when a quick answer or one of your pep talks is required.
HG, you’re coming across in quite a magnanimous way tonight. Your tone is so….kind. Are you aware?
I am the epitome of generosity VFH, look at all these wonderful words I provide to you and others.
Interesting thought re Helpline but if I did that, when would I ever extract my fuel?
not thinking you could do a helpline… that would require tons of narcs to answer phones (because you cannot do this all on your own, that is why you have the consultation option) and they would all have to be more then okay with getting fuel that way while being bossed around by you HG, and as you pointed out narcs don’t play well with other narcs and move on quickly to empaths, etc…
Adele – Don’t You Remember
When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said
No final kiss to seal anything
I had no idea of the state we were in
I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head
But don’t you remember, don’t you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby please remember me once more
When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memories?
I often think about where I went wrong
The more I do, the less I know
But I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head
But don’t you remember, don’t you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby please remember me once more
Oh, I gave you the space so you could breathe
I kept my distance so you would be free
In hope that you find the missing piece
To bring you back to me
Why don’t you remember, don’t you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby please remember me once more
When will I see you again?
Beautiful
No sorry HG. I disagree with the last statement. I am not in love with the person I thought he was. No way! Because it was all false anyway, even the false self left a lot to be desired. I admit I was in love with the IDEA of being in love, but never actually with him or his ‘image’. Make sense??
Oops sorry for the typos, my apologies H.G
I dont luke admitting it, but all true.
Perhaps you could answer simething which bothers me. I understand that narcs need to be adored. But I did. So why dont narcs decide to just stay in the love bombing stage and truly be adored?
Or its merely the chase and the thrill kill, the stuff inbetween you do because you couldn’t stay otherwise?
Thanks
We cannot stay in the golden period with certain appliances because of the fact that the positive fuel becomes stale and/or is not provided in sufficient quantities and frequency. That means there has to be the contrast and this is why the devaluation commences.
Could you please clarify when you say, “with certain appliances”. Does this mean that with some appliances you stay longer in the GP than with others due to the fuel they provide, or the quality of fuel? I was in the first GP for 2 years where his present appliance is in devaluation after 4 months. So it’s not the quantity but quality?
Thanks HG
There are three elements to fuel – potency (from proximity of supply and method of delivery), frequency and quantity. These factors have an impact (with others) on the golden period.
Once it all sinks in, the hate overcomes any and all other feelings. Although I was always told I was hateful – Projection of course. Move on and read HG Tudor’s “Revenge on the Narcissist” Superb! My new favorite book from my new favorite narc. Thanks HG! Game on Dick!
Ah, but I never loved her. Fortunately for me I was just along for the ride, to see what would happen. What I regret is that I wasn’t with someone I could love, and knew so but persisted anyway. It did puncture my sense of having been virtuous and kind however.
Evidence of the evil spirits at work. This has been mine and others truth. Unfortunately many times. However, I refuse to allow them,to have that kind of power of my life,my soul. Ever again. If we know it was an illusion,that we lived through. Then we can come to acceptance of what was. Not what is! There is power in knowing.
Beautifully written!
Sent from my iPhone
HG, I do unfortunately agree with your last statement. I was tricked that way a couple years ago and went thru much of what you described. The difference for me, though, is after I saw thru him and realized what he is, that love I had for him died. I do still love the illusion and miss it, but him – no. Now when he texts, email or calls I just feel a type of contempt for him and no desire to provide fuel. This is unusual for me, bc I enjoy providing fuel for narcissists. But this man seems so inferior to have to create illusions and hide his real self. The man in the illusion I loved, but the real man – never.
Indeed HG I will always be in love with the person I thought he was. He allowed me to see myself and that’s who I love. I am aware that the narc gets in this way but how does the survivor identify what the wound is? I do believe mine was emotional neglect but is there a specific incident usually? It is amazing how opposites attract. I hope you can help me with this, thank you
Giulia, my thoughts exactly. I never loved anyone as much as I did him, and I even lowered my standards to give him a chance, but that was because I was already broken and thought he would cherish me like the other one didn’t for over 20 years. I do miss the golden period and its hard to shake that feeling even when you know it was an illusion. I finally got the nerve to block accounts, and throw away his clothes, and purge all things that were reminders that we were together. It was tough to do that.
H.G. does write like he is there spying on us. Though I have managed to face the embarrassment of being fooled and have faced the lies, my situation differed because there was no financial damage or abuse; my N pretended to have wealth and assets, so when he did ask for money it was always paid back and I always criticized him for being so greedy that he would rather have “assets” he couldn’t spend or use, instead of having cash available for emergencies. I even asked about safes and lock boxes, but there was always a lie for every situation.
This was very well written. I am amazed at how these hit so close to home with me.
I did the same…lowered my standards. We must never do that, it’s always a mistake.
It is uncanny isn’t it, how relevant everything HG says is to each of us.
HG, I did reply to one of your other posts a while back….I don’t think you came back to me on it but it was on these patterns of behaviour – not just the cycle of abuse, but tactics too. You had taken one of your readers’ words and used it as an anagram….my ex did the same all the time, in the seduction phase at least. Did you know such minutiae was familiar amongst ‘your kind’ or was that just a coincidence?
In the same way that ‘your kind’ seem to follow the same tracks, we are just as easy for you to read and predictable too. We’re the opposite of you aren’t we? And that’s why you choose us of course.
I asked you about total internal refraction….did you by any chance look the meaning of it up? (You’d said you weren’t familiar with it at the time…..) My ex had a thing about it…..I didn’t know why at the time but pretty sure now that it was another of his tells….us empaths are clearly the narcissists’ critical angle.
My N and I were watching a documentary about the chemical bombings in Syria …during an extremely graphic scene, a baby with bubbles coming out of her nose lay dying in her wailing Mothers arms ..he says out loud to no one in particular..” I hope they all kill eachother off ” and rolls over and falls asleep.
He didnt even feign to have any compassion or empathy for anyone or anything except for animals for some strange reason.
There was just nothing acceptable about him in the end. Nothing.
What bothers me at this point is that everyone else believes he’s this great guy, a philanthropist, an entrepreneur, a good father (his kids were mostly raised by their mother but he takes the credit ).
I’ll settle for subscribing for e-newsletters to his work email for penis extendors, furneral planning 🤔 maybe even some gay S&M top vacation spots – not that I’m judging that lifestyle;)
🖤
My ex narc sent me a video of a man being whipped to death. Blood was pouring down his back and his flesh was literally falling off until I guess he finally died. I couldn’t stomach watching all of it. It was absolutely horrifying and so graphic. The narc was unmoved. It was just a video to him. I asked him to please never send me anything like that again. I have no idea why he did it except maybe to traumatize an empath.
I just realized that I kept seeing him after that! He was practically hitting me in the head with a red and black flag! I was such a colossal idiot.
Not any more you’re not.
Bless you HG❤️
there is no shame in being fooled as we are not the one that sought to hurt someone else for our own gain… we did nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with attempting to make another person happy and pouring out love.
as for pride for having done our best I believe you understand that more then you claim… i.e. you do your best to gain fuel by winning, by being the best in what you do (in your kind’s case you do not care however if it hurts others as long as it provides fuel for you). It is…similar…
at least on the surface…
it does seem true that the intent behind the behavior is what matters though…
as for having loved a “ghost” or fictional character, that is the odd thing… in my case, I have accepted that. It would not be the first fictional character I “fell in love” with, only this time I thought it was not a fictional character… and found out otherwise… maybe i’m weird that way LOL and that became detached from the skilled actor that played the role to entrap me.
I have also come to find that maybe those traits do exist in those that are not fictional… in other “empaths” (or however you might label my kind…) that having been hurt can make us withdraw within ourselves for a time, some longer then others depending on the depth of the wound and how fast we can understand/heal… but those things your kind pretend to be, my kind ARE… and if we hold on to it even after having been wounded so deeply, and if we can prevent the wound from festering and infecting others around us, we might meet down that troublesome road laced with narcs, that which we sought , not in a narc faking it, but in another empath who would be strongly genuine in those traits and values. A valued deep friendship or maybe some other type of relationship that can help the healing process… help forget the narc and his nightmare… so long as we do to let the wound fester and both empaths work together. I mean… if we are truth and love and moral values etc, and we do not hurt others intentionally and we seek that in others then it’s only natural that we are then seeking our own kind subconsciously… for a golden period that would even despite highs and lows, would not dip below golden…never to be abused or wounded…
sounds about right… get tricked by narc, get abused and wounded, leave narc or get discarded, figure out in your healing that you really hoped for empath to empath connection and stop being hoovered by the narc (or caught by other narcs) knowing that he/she is toxic while other empaths are not…and try not to let the toxicity drag you down to hurting said other empaths… sounds like the right mathematical formula…
well, I’m not sure if that would work for a co-dependent though…
Thank you for the sounding board HG.
I wonder if some of our insights bring you insight in some way
I wouldn’t bet on it. As you said our kind of love is absolute. We loved you that way and we will love another that way. And when that happens there will be no room left for you or anybody else.
Honestly…I can’t wait for this fire to burn up everything inside me.
You didn’t want this love in any shape or form and now it’s dead rotten. Nothing to cherish really, nothing to keep or remember. Just a stench.
The ‘Best Of’ moments – tee hee. ‘Now That’s What I Call A Narc 2017′ CD is out
Amazing how HG can write as if he were each and every one of us’ Narc. I can feel the pull again, from his words. An excellent read
Time to go play in the montage sequence (AGAIN)
wow, it is very sad.