You Want To Wake Up


Remember when you would wake up and reach for your mobile ‘phone and find that loving and uplifting message that I had sent you? I always rose before you and ensured that a delicious, tantalising text was sent to you ready for when you woke. Like a morning cup of tea on your night stand it was that little gesture which made you feel special. It told you that the first thing that I thought of when I woke up was you. This message of love, desire, passions and excitement would provide you with the first buzz of the day, a delicious reminder of how wonderful I am and how marvellous we are together. The first text of the deluge that would follow throughout the day, scores of little gift-wrapped presents which you open and smile, laugh and melt over. Little did you realise that these messages had been recycled from your predecessor and would be used again for your replacement. Little did you also realise that two other people were receiving these messages first thing in the morning.

Now there is nothing. There is no chime of that early morning text. There is no winking light denoting the text waiting for you to open it. It is silence. As your eyes open, the conditioning that I caused makes you immediately remember how you used to feel when that text arrived. Where once you woke with excitement in your stomach now it is just the sharp stab of pain as you know there is nothing waiting for you. You understand this is how it should be, the need to stay away from me, but it hurts. It hurts so much and how long will this pain remain with you? Will it ever go away? Those months of daily morning texts has ingrained a pattern and a longing inside you and no matter how hard you try the first thought of your day is always

“Four months ago he was still sending me those wonderful texts.” Last month it was the same sentence only it began with three. You roll on to your back and though you know you shouldn’t, you cannot help but allow me into your mind even further as you recall those mornings where we ended up late for week because of our passionate love-making. That quick dart to the en suite and then back into bed where I was waiting for you. You turn and look at the empty pillow and that all too familiar bitter sweet sensations sweeps across you. You know you should not do this. You know you ought now to seek refuge amongst the ghosts of once what was, but it makes the pain lessen, just for a while and it is just a memory isn’t it, thinking about me just the one time cannot do any harm can it? Just the one time. You give a twisted smile at that sentence which has somehow become your daily mantra as you struggle to escape the toxins that I have left inside you, the legacy of my oh so effective seduction and poisoning of you.ย Just the one time you check on my tweets and who is following me and who I am following. Just the one time you parked near where I lived and watched slumped in your driver’s seat to see who might appear at my door. Just the one time you sent a friend to watch me at an event you knew I would be attended and to report back on what she saw. Just the one time you re-read the e-mails I sent you. It was just the one time for them all and more, well one time a week then one time a day, but I dont know what you are doing do I, so where is the harm? Just the one time you return to my Facebook profile, scouring it, looking for clues like some desperate detective intent on tracking down the prolific killer. You check what I have liked, a picture here, a comment there, some meme about relationships which could be a dig at you but you are not sure. Any trace of you has been erased from my profile, gone are the messages, the comments and the pictures. Somebody else is there now, although there is some ambiguity. A red-headed woman appears in several pictures, laughing with me. You see one where her arms is draped around my shoulders and you feel the burning jealousy and anger and curse both you and I for this feeling. You fling your tablet to one side, muttering under your breath, just the one look having derailed your day before it has begun and vow not to look again. But you will. Just one look. A journey through the carousel of pictures, checking fingers to see if rings have appeared on them, of both me (it would be awful to see that rings on my wedding finger, something I always denied you) and of the women I pose with (it makes you feel sort of better if they wear a ring, that means that they won’t be with me, doesn’t it?)

You skulk amongst my twitter posts and return to my profile on my work website, reading the biography which you know off by heart. Your fingers rest on my profile picture as you see again the tie which you bought me for that particular photo shoot. Some days you wish it would be updated and then others days this once look makes you feel that perhaps I do not hate you, how can I if I still allow this picture to remain? You try not to think about me but somehow your mind just wanders there of its own volition, snaking through a thousand memories that spring up each day. Perhaps you will stay awhile amidst them, just the once minute of remembering. At the weekend you drove out to the forest path we used to amble along during sunny September mornings. Nobody else was ever there. Just you and I. You walked that path again, it was just the one time you needed to do it, to converse with the ghost of my presence as you found yourself talking aloud to me as if I was still walking beside you, holding your hand. It was meant to be just the one time but you have returned three times since, each time swearing that this time is when you exorcise those spectres.

What am I doing now? No doubt getting ready for work, perhaps showering and singing away as I once did in the shower we shared. Am I with somebody? Is somebody preparing breakfast for me or reclining in bed waiting for me to return to the bedroom towel draped about me? It seems so long since you have heard from me and so much remains unanswered, unsaid and unresolved. How would I react if you rang me? You cannot bring yourself to delete my number, just in case there was that one final conversation which could take place and put so many issues to bed, slay so many demons and close so many doors. That would all that it would take surely? Just the one conversation. Keep it business like, keep your emotions in check but just to get some answers so you can move on. Surely that is owed to you? You wonder whether I would answer if you rang me? How would I react if I saw your number on the display? You doubt I have blocked you, why would I do that? Your fingers toy with your phone, you need to know, just the once, just to make the hurt go away. You find my name. You want to hear my voice again, talk and no more but you feel anxious and the trepidation crawls over you. You need to know. You need the answers. What about ringing me and then stopping before I answer to see if I call back? Yes, that is a good idea, that would then show that I do want to talk to you, without the fear of having me hang up on you. That’s it. You will telephone me again after these months of nothing and let it ring and then this ever present agony can be eased. The questions can be answered when I call you back. You will not melt into my arms again. No, you are going to resist those sweet charms because you know what lies behind them. You have earned your stripes in that regard but you need to have this conversation, for yourself. You need to know I will talk to you. A text message isn’t immediate enough. I might not see it for some time or delay in replying, but a missed call, that brings a potential for urgency and immediacy and I am bound to respond to that aren’t I. You will call me. You will call and let it ring. Just the one time.

43 thoughts on “You Want To Wake Up

  1. shantily says:

    Annnnnd HG posts something about crying tears of relief after I sent you that comment I swear it was coincidental !! That’s weird ! Jinx you owe me a Coke !

    1. SVR says:

      Maybe you are raising your vibration so it’s time for a real man. I have to say I never cried over that narc at all, but I cannot explain why.
      Keep going and get what you deserve. Rooting for you. X

  2. gabbanzobean says:

    SVR sorry for all the typos with my talk to text! I hope you have an idea what I was trying to say. Oops.

    1. SVR says:

      I do lol
      Please look after number 1
      Yes YOU ๐Ÿ‘ผ

      1. shantily says:

        Hey SVR I wanted to share this with you I went on a date with the most sweetest gentle of gentlemen last night ๐Ÿ™‚ ) I know men are not the answer to what ails me and I need to heal what brought me here in the first place. But I wanted to tell you that I cried all the way home ..and it was tears of relief and gratitude at being beside and in the company of someone who without a doubt has a genuinely good kind heart and soul inside. How sad and wonderful is that? xo

        1. SVR says:

          So without being an Agony Aunt your intuition felt comfortable? My god, see there are many good men out there but our vibration was attracting the bad types. Well done you, so chuffed but keep your guard as you have just me him. Remember what HG said you need to heal from your wounds first to not attract the horrible men. Keep working on yourself and listen to your intuition. I am very pleased for you and thank you for sharing that with me. Remember number one all the way, it’s not selfish it’s very healthy. As I said before I wish you well. Talking of which my good man will walk through the door any minute and I so look forward to seeing him. Enjoy Life. ๐Ÿ™‚

          1. shantily says:

            Without a doubt he will ! And if not we’ve been shown we love “ourselves ” don’t we ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚? Big Hug Missy! โค๏ธ

          2. SVR says:

            Indeed we do. Take good care ๐Ÿ˜‰

  3. sarabella says:

    Someone might know the movie name but it was a movie in the Spanish Revolution. A priest sees a gorgeous aristocratic girl who was modeling for a painter. He sets up a con and gets her imprisoned and then victimizes her. She is led to believe he is her savior but doesn’t know that he put her there and is manipulating her. She gets pregnant and the child taken from her. But its all she can think of and due to conditions and trauma, goes insane over the years. At the end of the movie, she is crazily following a cart carrying the dead priest. She is insane, thinking he and her are united and that they will find her baby. That he is alive.

    Well, the expression on her face at the end felt like me… this insane person trailing after a ‘dead’ human. And the story, sort of not that off. The priest had seduced and manipulated her. Betrays her and destroys her. He is a con and later pretends to be a loving family man to another woman. But he is a fraud, a fake, a con artist.

    watch the movie, maybe i can try to find the name and it puts this addictive experience in a grotesque perspective. I still look but feel little anymore. I look more out of sadness than longing or oain or love. I feel emotionally indifferent now.

    He is evil… he let in about 3 other people not unlike him to my life. As my friend says, their evil opens the doors to other evil and they sprinkle in. This further compounds the struggle of this experience.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Goya’s Ghosts. A very good film.

      1. sarabella says:

        Yes. Thats it. I feel gross anytime I watch it. But a bit accurate to this experience I thought the last time I saw it.

    2. SVR says:

      How true. A female narc friend pretending to be a victim brought a male narc doing the same into my life.

  4. gabbanzobean says:

    “You walked that path again, it was just the one time you needed to do it, to converse with the ghost of my presence as you found yourself talking aloud to me as if I was still walking beside you, holding your hand.”

    You’re in my mind again!!!! Sigh. I find myself doing this. What’s even more alarming, is I find myself talking to him in my dreams. Always chasing the Dragon.

    1. Sarah says:

      There’s an old tale that if you dream about a certain someone, it means they’re thinking about you. Perhaps he is, but the threat of his wife is stopping his hoovers – although he welcomes any fuel you may have for him.

      1. gabbanzobean says:

        I have heard that old tale before. And yeah he has told me repeatedly “I am not leaving my wife for you or anyone. I will never leave her. I will die first”. I will never understand the “concept” of the “threat” of his wife. I frequently struggle with never quite knowing how he is with her (I am long distance and do not interact with him in day to day life). I am very jealous of her even though I do not know her (other than what I see on social media) and have never met her.

        1. SVR says:

          Jealous of her you must not be, if you must feel an emotion be sorry for her. He is abusing her even more than he is abusing you. Have you read what HG has said? Any interaction with him is a bullet, avoid at all costs and respect yourself enough to cease all contact. I know this sounds harsh but never a truer word spoken. I understand the pull and wanting him for yourself, I do as I have experienced it myself. I listened to my intuition over my heart (while my heart was cracking) but I most certainly am glad I did, for now life is actually pretty damn fine. In all honesty at times its testing in a different way, a sort of what now way so I fill that feeling with a book, a walk or some music. Once the awakening happens there is no going back. I wish you well in your choice. We understand why they do not want to leave the IPPS as that is there daily fuel bucket. Yuck! I want real love so I will not be an appliance for nobody. The empath supernova happened to me and wow! It had power for me to take my life back where it belonged for the first time, with me.
          HG do you happen to know of people adjusting to normal life as in being narc free for the first time?

        2. Sarah says:

          Sounds like a case of ‘just what the doctor ordered’ from his perspective. I imagine his wife is suffering too, to some extent, that’s nothing to be jealous of.

          Rekindle your love for a past hobby and immerse yourself in that. If he pops in your mind from time to time, rather than imagining how wonderful he is, imagine him straining on the toilet because he’s constipated. This always brings clarity for me.

          1. gabbanzobean says:

            Hahahahahaha! that is too funny. Thank you for the laugh. ๐Ÿ™‚

          2. SVR says:

            Yip and he is that shit!

      2. Gabbanzobean

        Please don’t be jealous. Of what ? A life full of daily abuse, constant heartache and no self-esteem. A lie where your reality is distorted and you love someone who is incapable of loving you back and far worse, actually despises you.

        Don’t mug yourself off. You’re worth so so so so much more. Big cyber hug xxx

        1. gabbanzobean says:

          Thank you. Believe me I read your words, and they make so much sense. But the struggle is so damn hard. Ugh. ๐Ÿ™

          1. It is hard. They say Ns are like the Human form of heroin. So you almost need to treat it as though you have an addiction. It’s not a normal relationship breakup. Treat it like getting rid of an addiction. As HG always advises don’t fb stalk or reminisce. Literally expel every part of it from your life. Slowly, slowly you will heal. Keep reading, it gives you power you never even knew you had. Everyone on here has been there. We all feel your pain. But you have the power to take back the control in your life xx

  5. Jenna says:

    Once we know what you are, and that you cannot love nor have empathy, these feelings of what you are doing now decline considerably.

  6. shantily says:

    My daily struggle…. it’s like I wrote this myself ๐Ÿ™

    Step 1. I am powerless


    1. gabbanzobean says:

      Me too. ๐Ÿ™

    2. SVR says:

      Step 2: Step 1 is not true
      Step 3: YOU are powerful, you just don’t believe it
      Stop 4: Look deeply at why this occurring, may take time but be persistent
      Step 5: Believe in you, No contact to the narc. Give them no fuel they will do what is required. Disappear.
      Step 6: Only then can you truly live

      I wish you well. Take care.

      1. shantily says:

        Ah thank you I meant it as a 12 step program Step 1 being powerless to control the Narc…But thank you thank you for your kind words of encouragement SVR I took a screenshot of your comment so I can keep looking at it …so very kind of you ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

        1. SVR says:

          Ha ha. Keep strong. Indeed you are powerless to control the narc. The picture HG put on here with the male doll and all the females chucked around him made me feel sick. Who would want to control the narc, it is only it’s problem. Live your life. What programme you doing?

          1. shantily says:

            Hi SVR ! I think we are brainwashed by NArcs and become completely addicted as weird as it sounds I’m treating this as you would any addiction. I read and listen to AA material and insert the word Narc in place of drugs or alcohol… seems to be helping! Along with HG’ teachings to understand the machinations by which I was manipulated and could potentially be further manipulated …I’m also toying with this idea that the Narc i was involved with was possessed by a demon. I shit you not if I could show you his eyes and his evil face when he was raging you’d agree! Even when he first woke up he’d open his eyes and I’d catch my breath at what I saw there so many times I wanted to say aloud “What are you ?” But I’m ๐Ÿ’ฏ sure you’d say the same I’ve been going to church too -the fact that there is still a pull to connect with that evil being means I have to work on myself because who in their right mind would want to associate with Evil ???? Here’s to gaining our sanity back sister and living our lives in peace ! โค๏ธ

          2. SVR says:

            I live in peace now. It’s beautifull not worrying about a thing. You go girl. Release that toxin from you for good. The narc I knew let me see rage once but only in his eyes. I said why are you looking so angry, hetc said wouldn’t you if you made me do something. At the time I thought it strange. Still don’t let go though do you at the time. I saw a 3 year old today behave like a little pain in the butt, behaviour reminds me of narcs. Take care.

          3. gabbanzobean says:

            I’m here every day reading more and more. Still struggling, but doing the best that I can. The “jealousy” is the hardest part. God, I wish I could be a fly on the wall, have some kind of a narc security camera. I am going to go search for that article that Clarece mentioned in her reply to me.

            Your response of “daily fuel bucket” just totally tripped a memory of something he said to me. ” I know what it feels like to be unfulfilled with the one that you truly love. It is a feeling comes and goes for me.”

            I’m just going to go out on a limb here and assume that comment is about his wife and when he’s on for filled that means he’s not getting enough fuel which is why the feeling comes and goes. I mean why say that about someone that you love? Normal person wouldn’t be feel like that.

            I’m glad that you shared your advice and perspective with me, but holy crap, me remembering that comment right now just totally sent me into a tizzy.

            “Unfulfilled with the one I truly love”. Good grief.

          4. SVR says:

            He does not even truly love his wife, he does not know what love is so how can he. He may know he needs her but that’s it. To search for another when you are really in love is not real love. You really deserve so much more than being seconds. A question to ask yourself: what is my self worth?
            I did my recovery on my own but with the help of people I required at each stage along the way. I will tell you that none of them were close to me, all strangers but the path I took was a long and hard one but to feel love now, to be worth something just for who I am and not what outsiders think is beautiful. Initially I thought I was the only one in this predicament but now I see clearly there are many others. The main thing one has to realise is that there is something wrong in the personalities of both the empath and the narc. We both are lonely, scared and deep down think horrid thoughts of ourselves but when your awakening happens you realise that enough is enough. Walk away and save yourself is what I said to myself, with that thought I took action and have never looked back. Wishing you good health.

  7. Sarah says:

    Heck, you’re not even sure if you know who Bob Humphries is any more.

  8. Sarah says:

    And when you’re scowering through their Facebook page and accidently click the ‘like’ button on a meme they posted 4 years ago, have a mini heart attack, but then realise your fake account is called Bob Humphries.

    And, luckily, he doesn’t know a Bob Humphries.

    1. gabbanzobean says:

      I’ll outdo that one and say that I accidentally liked a pic from a year ago and I wasn’t logged in with a fake profile. And it showed up on my best friends page that I liked it, (Facebook likes to share what you like with your friends) and she then texted me, and asked me “are you liking pictures that you’re not supposed to be liking?” ๐Ÿ˜ฎ
      She looks out for me, I get it. But I feel powerless too. ๐Ÿ˜•

      1. Sarah says:

        That’s funny, Gabbanzobean. I think we’ve all done similar things – it’s just the ‘creepy’ stigma attached to it that stops people from admitting it.

        1. gabbanzobean says:

          Sarah, I am glad I can provide humor amongst a difficult time. It was not even a pic on his page. It was on a local theater page where he’s had shows (he’s a musician for some of the plays at the community theater in his town). So hopefully he didn’t know. But then again he may very well have! I was shocked my friend even saw it. Because he blocked her. Yes he blocked my friend, but not me! The theater page is public though hence the reason she saw that I “liked” the pic.

      2. sarabella says:

        Yeah, I did that but I figure he can take it as I would have… as a hoover. Let them get these accidental reminders of us, too. I can feel mortified, as I did, or feel it nust might be a little prick to him.

        I also feel nothing much anymore looking at his stuff. I used the process as a tool…. look at a pic, feel the emotions, and begin the healing on the reactions. Or, see a pic and come here for explanation because they were such pretend once I was told he has no one and its all show off and pretend.

        Mostly now, its a habit from boredom and just a habit. I am working on replacing the habit though with something more exciting as he is really boring and false now that the emotions have significantly waned.

  9. Jana says:

    Every word is so f***ing true…. I did all these things. And still do..

  10. SVR says:

    Amazing as always. Conditioning. What can I say but thankfully my experience was of very limited time of a narc buy my goodness me it was the worst and best experience ever. From wanting to end my life, to seeking answers, to wanting to contact him again made me identify the real route of what was actually occurring. Following therapy I was awakened to realise my inner child was broken by Emotional Neglect. Now I have had my awakening I am learning to live life for the first time and believe in myself. So that is why I say it was a good experience, because the hell has changed my present and I know my future as I am complete. What HG states here is seeking support/approval outside of self. Take care all you lovely peeps. HG thank you for this fantastic article: block the bast##d and find real love. ๐Ÿ˜„

  11. K says:

    I am so very proud that I did not call – and never will! But I do wonder, if he wonders why I never called….

    1. Sarah says:

      I wonder why you wonder if he wonders why you never called.

      1. sarabella says:

        Because once you get the game, you start wondering if the other is in fact playing such a game. Its natural to wonder, why else did all the exploitation work to begin with?

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