You Fill Up My Senses

 

When I look at you and see the delight cross your face as you spot me across the room, I feel the flame of attention ignite inside me as the first sensation of power booms into life. I have learned that your smile, the widening of your eyes and your hurrying towards me is indicative of delight and happiness on your part. I feed from this allowing my eyes to drink in the fuel that emanates from your expressions. When I gaze at you beneath me, writhing against me, mouth open and flush of sensual desire spreading across your chest, the flames burn fiercer as I watch with such attentiveness the flaring of your orgasm. I study your reaction to our coupling, noting the detail of the way you twist your head, the slight flare of your nostrils, the flailing limbs. I watch and I absorb, committing your reaction to my memory as I avail myself of the fuel that you are providing for me. When I stand and stare at you, that baleful glare piercing you from my darkened ink-like eyes, I am savouring your trembling stance, the fear that you are trying to hide cannot be hidden as you clutch at the arm of the chair to steady yourself, your eyes welling with tears. I stand and I stare,my stare generating your fearfulness and at the same time absorbing the fuel that flows from your frightened state.

When I hear you call my name, that upwards lilt in your voice, the light inflection which denotes that you are pleased to see me, I feel the fuel embracing the fire inside me, allowing the flames to burn a little brighter and stoking the engine that provides me with my sensation of power. I do not feel delight,I do not feel joy, I will replicate the way you look in order to make you think that I feel them, but as I hear your fuel-laden words as they break upon my ears, all that I feel is power. Power than I cause you to feel so elated when you call out to me from another room or speak down the telephone to me on repeated occasions throughout the day. When I hear your shouted insults, the waves of fuel wash against my ears, emotion-laden labels which do not perturb me, unless I choose to feign that I do, in order to provoke you further. I hear the sound of birdsong, I hear the sounds of a cheering crowd and I hear the first strains of a piece of music that appeals to me, yet none of those things comes to close to making me feel the way I do when you shout, cry, laugh, scream, moan and sigh because of me. Your words of praise move me through the gracing of power far more than the strings of a famous orchestra. Your words of scorn generate a far greater reaction for me than the roar of a crowd as my team scores the winning goal.

When I taste, I taste so much more than the food in my mouth or the drink I have just taken a swig of. You bought me that drink and imbued within that mug of coffee or glass of beer I can taste your interest, your appreciation and your affection. Your empathic print is on all that you say and do, your actions and words are embodied in the cake that you baked for me. I tell you the slice you have cut for me is delicious and of course it is, you are an excellent baker, but what I really taste is the care and attention you dedicated to me as you made that cake for me. Every meal you place before me may taste of different ingredients but the one which always tastes finest to me is the emotion that you have imbued it with. Whether it is a lovingly prepared three course dinner or a slammed down plate of spaghetti bolognaise, the emotion you imbue into those meals always tastes better than the meals themselves.

When I smell that delightful fragrance I feel once more the power rising inside me as I latch on to the fuel that you provide to me. Your action in putting on that scent which I have told you is my favourite goes far beyond the pleasant smell of jasmine or sandalwood. The fragrance tells me how you want me to be please by your wearing it, how you wish to smell attractive for me and thus I am empowered by your action as my nose senses the fragrance. The smell of freshly laundered clothing or bedding, that clean scent is imbued with you caring for me, attending to my washing and the housework and once again the smell of this act of kindness, of affection and of caring provides me with the fuel that I crave. Even when I tell you that I no longer like a certain perfume you wear, in order to provoke a reaction from you, when you wear it as an act of defiance, you provide me with yet more fuel from this act which is encapsulated in the scent. When you stand fuming, cigarette in hand, the smell of the smoke contains your anger, your irritation and it smells as sweet to me as a blossoming rose might to you.

When I hold your hand and I feel you pleasure in me taking your hand in mine, the fuel flows once again. As I feel your skin beneath my fingers, I know that the emotions that erupt as I do so will fuel me further. From my lips against your lips through to moving inside of you, I feel as anyone would, but I feel so much more because I feel your emotion through my touch and your touch upon me. The emptiness that consumes me acts with the power of a huge black hole which sucks all the emotion you exude into me. When I feel your touch upon me, the fuel flows once again and you allow the simmering flames to rise higher because of the light application of your fingers on the nape of my neck. The pressure of your arms about me as you hug me tightly signifies the deep-seated love and affection which you have for me. It powers through me, invigorating and awakening, providing me with the power that I need to keep on doing that which I must do. The sting of your hand as it slaps my face, punishment for another of my transgressions as I sought out the touch of another outside our relationship, will hurt my face, I am after all human in the physical sense at least. The sting that you have left however is readily dwarfed by the surge of power I feel inside me at your emotion-filled violence towards me. Touch me, stroke me, hold me, strike me, push me and pull me, it all amounts to a connection between you and I that sends the fuel flowing from you to me. When I no longer tolerate the affectionate and intimate touches, I crave instead for the terrified grab of my arm or the defensive shove to keep me away from you. I may no longer want you to hold my hand, kiss me or place a delicate hand upon my brow, instead I will welcome the physical manifestation of your anger, your frustration and your fear.

     Everything that you say and do will be absorbed through my senses, what I see in you, what I hear you say, what I taste, what I smell and what I feel from your touch, they all provide conduits for me to gather fuel. I am a vast machine which is sucking the emotion from you through all of my five senses in order to try to fill this immense emptiness inside me. You make my senses come alive, albeit it for one purpose and this happens in a way that causes the sensations you feel from the use of your senses to pale by comparison. You truly fill up my senses.

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69 thoughts on “You Fill Up My Senses”

  1. ( I’m hoping that this does not double post as I have tried to post this already and it went weird … apologies if so ..)

    This article is excellent… it makes so much sense, with how the empathic print is within all actions and words. How this Accentuates the response in the narcissist, and highlighting the difference in perspective very clearly. The fuel !

    It’s a very powerful piece. Every article I read is enriching a rounded understanding of the narcissist. Knowledge truly is very powerful.. thank you for empowering me HG.

  2. I forgot about the begging and pleading and the deep unbearable loneliness that they feel.

  3. The crying in fetal position, the obsession, the rumination, the hypervigilance, the constant feeling of inferiority, the fear of being exposed, the chronic shame, the hospitalizations, the prison and jail time, the restarting all over from the beginning, the loss of jobs, friends, finances, and communities, the medication (a lot of narcissists are on anti depressants and most of them are on some form of medication for ADHD. They all think they’re ADD), the suicidal ideation, the suicides, the constant obsessions over their exes, the dependent neediness, the narcissistic wounds and injuries, the constant envy and jealousy, the empty vapid void, their addiction to narcisitic supply and constant need for reassurance, the boredom, the numbness, the feeling that they are bad and that something is wrong with them, the confusion about what others are thinking and feeling about them, the worrying about what others are thinking about them, the hair pulling and compulsive self soothing behaviors. The desperate need for their mothers aporoval. It’s not like narcissist are immune to negative experiences. They are addicts. That’s not fun times.

    1. The crying in fetal position, the obsession, the rumination, the hypervigilance, the constant feeling of inferiority, the fear of being exposed, the chronic shame, the hospitalizations, the prison and jail time, the restarting all over from the beginning, the loss of jobs, friends, finances, and communities, the medication (a lot of narcissists are on anti depressants and most of them are on some form of medication for ADHD. They all think they’re ADD), the suicidal ideation, the suicides, the constant obsessions over their exes, the dependent neediness, the narcissistic wounds and injuries, the constant envy and jealousy, the empty vapid void, their addiction to narcisitic supply and constant need for reassurance, the boredom, the numbness, the feeling that they are bad and that something is wrong with them, the confusion about what others are thinking and feeling about them, the worrying about what others are thinking about them, the hair pulling and compulsive self soothing behaviors. The desperate need for their mothers aporoval. It’s not like narcissist are immune to negative experiences. They are addicts. That’s not fun times.

  4. @Indy!
    Thank you for your answer! It is always interesting and giving reading them!! Yes,I totally agree with you..and I do understand now the way they “function” but still it is hard to ” swallow” how a narcissist who has driven them to these limits sees them as weak and inferior. For me the explanation of :” they do not better ” is not acceptable..I will never see them ( the narcissists) as “broken”…or in need to be saved. I do not really feel sorry for them ( the narcissists)!!! Should I ?? Do you feel “sorry” for them?
    Best wishes!!!

    1. @Indy.*TYPO* .” For me the explanation of: :they do not KNOW better” is not acceptable..
      This word press editing makes me crazy sometimes..it swallows some of my words😡

    2. Hi SuperXena!
      Thank you too, both you and K for an interesting convo. I do not think you “should” feel any different than what is natural for you. “Should’s” just encourage us to shame ourselves. I do not feel sorry for narcissists in general, as they know the difference between right and wrong and make choices in how they respond and act, like we do. I do feel sad for the abuse stories many have endured in childhood. Not all had this, though many did. It drew me in to stay longer, though, to try to rescue. I’ve learned over the years that is just m playing God and I do not have that power. They have to heal on their own, like us. So, no, I do not feel sorry though I have compassion. I do not let narcissists off the hook for the abuses they engage in to others. I understand the behavior and where it comes from(thanks to HG), but I do not condone abuse they do. Does that make sense?

      My mind has been on Viktor Frankl today, Mans Search for Meaning. He gives me comfort and hope in humanity.
      “We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation-just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer-we are challenged to change ourselves.”
      Amen 🙏🏼

      1. Hello Indy!
        I hope you get to read my answer to your comment! I am as well having problems with my toolbar here…everything is gone: no bell,no likes,no answers..no notifications .NADA!!,,
        I do not think is a problem with your iphone..it seems is a problem with wordpress and experienced by many here!!!!
        Any way…thank you for your answer..Very nice inspiring words of Victor Frankl..thank you for sharing!
        Actually I was a little bit ironical when I said if I ” should” be sorry for the narcissists..I must confess I was sorry for my ex then…but ABSOLUTELY not sorry for him( or any of them ) now…Perhaps I sound cold and harsh but that is how I feel now about them!!!
        I would like to write you more…but I am really mad at WordPress..I hope they work it out soon since the dynamics of the site changes a lot if it is difficult to follow questions and answers!!!! And no notifications😡

        Best wishes!!!

      2. Hi SuperXena!
        Completely normal to not feel sorry for them! You are healing and part of the healing process is to feel some of that anger, justified anger, for all that you went through. It is a good sign. The thing I watch out for in myself is signs of depression and apathy. That’s when I know I need to reach out more. With anger you have motivation and energy. More strength to enforce boundaries. With time and healing the anger settles to a quiet knowing, strength. A peaceful force, a warrior capable of true love, weeding out all those frauds.
        Peace to you and always do nice hearing from you 😊

      3. Hello Indy! I really like your description of the anger settling as quiet knowing,peacful force! It is feeling like that more and more lately although there are some ” relapses ” on the way which I found normal. It is like ” calibrating” slowly but steady!
        BTW: have you got all the functions back on this site? Not me…still struggling!! Difficult to follow the threads!!
        Have you started with”Nietzsche” Beyond Good and Evil”
        Always nice hearing from you!!
        Best wishes!!

  5. Thank you, superxena! In our world these are all appropriate responses to this horrific abuse. The narcissist’s thought process is a contradiction: I want your tears (fuel) but I will treat you with contempt for the very thing I have forced you to give me. We empaths take umbrage to this way of thinking.

    Their contrary thought process exists so they can generate even more fuel. Fuel is their motive for everything!

    Knowledge equals power and power feels exhilarating. I have been Tudorized!

    1. Hello K!
      Thank you for your answer. That is exactly what I mean: regardless of what the narcissist think about the empaths( under their perspective and toxic logic) being inferior and weak..THAT DOES NOT mean that the person they engage with is just that: weak and inferior…Far from that… It is a matter of perspective…but their perspective is twisted!!!

  6. HG, as soon as I opened this and read it i was reminded of Annie’s Song by John Denver. What a great song. I shall not let reading this taint how I feel when I listen to it. I am starting to be able to listen to music which reminds me of him without thinking of him for longer than a few seconds. I guess that is progress. There are still certain songs I will probably never be able to listen to.

    1. The tears, the pleading, the distress, the curled up in the foetal position, the financial devastation, the self-harming, the confusion, the tear-stained pillows, the gaunt and drained look of the bewildered, the haunted and fearful expressions, the broken bones, the cuts and bruises, the mournful sobbing, the screaming and nobody can hear, the trembling, the terror, the fear, the down on the knees begging, the loss of appetite, the loss of self-worth, the erosion of self-confidence, the pulled out hair, the pitted complexion, the reliance on medication, the loss of children, the isolation, the asking why, the going back, the repeated reliance, the suicides, the collapses, the hospitalisations – shall I go on?

      1. Thank you for your answer…and I understand what you mean…but these examples can’t be applied to ALL the IP’s you have been with?? Hasn’ t never been one STRONG enough to escape from you?

      2. I have seen all of these with my IPPs and other victims of our kind. Even the small number who escape have suffered many of these.

      3. I understand it…but SOME of these reactions ( crying as an example) are ” normal” and NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS!!!

      4. HG…
        Although I find very disturbing and horrendous the way you describe some of the devastating effects of having been entangled with a narcissist…An article where you include this description would be of very high impact… a warning …of the cold hard reality..
        Of course we differ on how we see this: A narcissist sees these ” victims” as weak and inferior..but I just feel for them…
        Do you ever consider a person being “strong”?

      5. HG,
        I will expand my question:
        1. Do you ever consider someone being strong?
        2. What is “being strong” ( not physically strong of course) for you?

      6. Thank you for your answer HG..I am just checking if my comment goes through…have you made some changes on your site? The layout is different with new functions..is that right?? As you know..some of us have had problems with the toolbar ..I hope it can be fixed !!!

      7. It seems it is working now at least when I am signed up on wordpress..I can see you answer and write my comment directly…but still the toolbar is missing on your site!! I hope they can fix it…

      8. Perhaps you should check as well why the ” following” function has disappeared as well… I can’t “follow “you any longer and that is not good…not at all… I hope it can be fixed…😀

      9. And after this spectacular presentation of deep feelings and emotions you still stand your ground on feeling stronger emotions.
        It’s a rethorical question, of course you stand your ground, what else if not….?
        I love everybody today so you can be what you want 🌈

      10. Hi HG, SuperXena and K,

        I interpreted K’s comment as empaths and other survivors as being powerful once they got your Tudoring and that is sexy. I think she also meant we were very strong because we can go on without fuel (I maybe wrong though, feel free to correct me K 🙂

        The list of the horrible abuses you give HG is so true at the same time. A sad reminder that some people die from this type of abuse, directly (physical abuses and mirder) and indirectly(suicide).
        And an excellent reminder for the need of WNAAD and interventions like you offer here. I’m glad I’ve survived multiple narcissist relationships, I do feel stronger. I’m proud of my fellow survivors here on this blog. From those still in the chaos to years of No Contact. We are strong warriors. Adult Children that have survived this Narcissistic Abuse, we must not forget them and their suffering/survival. Many of them have died as well. HG, you are a survivor too and I do not see a broken man. No. I see a man that calls himself evil (not that I doubt you for a minute!) doing beautiful work here! That is real strength. Not facade. Yes, your real HG shows in your works. In the Dialectical world, you can be both evil and good in the same body. You can be both illusion and real. You teach me everyday about the dialectic, the Gray in people ….Mr Black and White.

        So, we are strong. We are survivors.

      11. Indy, HG and superxena
        You are correct, Indy! Not only can we survive without having to fuel-up like the narcissist, many of us here have been victimized by more than one narcissist at the same time, especially, if you count family. And we should get extra points for getting our asses handed to us on a platter all of the time, not to mention, powering up all the narcissists that use us for fuel. No wonder we are exhausted and cry. We are, indeed, survivors. In our world getting back up after getting a beat-down is considered a sign of strength, irrespective of tears. And I know, HG, you count on us bouncing back so you can get more fuel. The Energizer Empath Bunny would be a dream come true for your kind.

        We are strong and we are survivors and that is sexy.

      12. Hello K!
        Thank you for your answer..and I agree completely with you..it is just shocking to read the devastating effects with such a cruel description..but then again this cruel reality depicted as it is should be a warning…
        Best wishes!

  7. This is pure madness in black and white. I can see this in colour in my minds eye … all of it the screaming the smiling the dancing the hair pulling madness …kudos Mister Wordsmith
    …On painting the picture of what goes on inside your mind

  8. Baleful: “an unwholesome tendency to dwell on gruesome or gloomy matters”… Urban Dictionary

      1. Thanks ED I slept well 🙂
        The mask is not my idea. Every once in a while dear HG puts me in Time Out, I guess I misbehave 😇

  9. The fuel validates the narc that they matter. When they no longer matter that is when panic sets in. You have to care and the emotion signifies that whether happy, angry, sad. If the narc can make you react then it fuels them and makes them feel they matter.
    On a sidenote i could never hit someone no matter how upset or angry. Ive always felt slapping someones face so degrading, as is any type of physical abuse.

  10. How do you know what I feel? You don’t know, you can’t tell it’s less powerful that what you feel.
    There’s no way of telling what another person feels.

      1. It’s not enough. You only get part of it. But if you need to be bigger even in feelings and emotions (that says it all) than ok, you are bigger 🐁😇
        but….do they last?…⏳

      2. They watch everything! It is like being under surveillance. His mother saw me eat a chocolate bar once and then bought me a six-pack of them; it felt creepy. I had to go into another room or outside to eat candy in private, like it was a dirty little secret.

  11. We light up your life. We are a fuel of empaths or a blaze of empaths (thank you, Indy). You are energized and empowered by our emotions. Your kind are more like the appliances than we are. We are the electricity and Zero Impact or no contact is like pulling the plug.

      1. Hmmm…good point. But the more we become Tudorized the less likely they will be sticking their plugs into our sockets. Literally and metaphorically, if you get my drift.

      1. Patricia
        Exactly! We are powerful and superior and that feels sexy and exhilarating!

  12. You’re a John Denver fan….? Wouldn’t have pictured that. Or maybe it’s just on your golden period playlist.

    1. I have to laugh, Wendy. I am a John Denver fan and when I read your post I thought, oh my gosh I must’ve missed where HG used some of his lyrics in the post. So I went back and read the WHOLE thing! Then I glanced at the title. What an idiot.

      1. I know but what does it mean in the context of the narcissist, why does he employ the baleful glare? It’s a bit unusual for a narcissist to be baleful..

      2. Oh, for some reason I had a different impression about this word. I thot it meant ‘longing’ .. is there any longing in the glare too?
        I’ve seen this look by my N n I thought he was longing for me to do something or say something?

      3. Emotional detective: im an avid utuber and i came across a lady on there with the same name is that you?
        She only had 2 videos posted.

      4. I love my utube lol you come across some interesting people. Ive made some great friends thru u tube. Its a time gobbler tho 😄

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