What’s It All For?

 

 WHAT'S IT ALL FOR_

The sudden silences. The periods of no communication when before the airwaves crackled with the send and return exchange of text messages. The repeated calls throughout the day to talk of something and to talk of nothing, now gone and empty. The absence of a morning greeting. The absence of any greeting. Just absence. Cold and unremitting silences which stretch from hours, to days, to weeks. What was once there has been banished. What’s it all for? Perhaps he just wants some time alone?

The inability to ever say sorry. The frustrating failure to ever issue an apology, it is as if those words cannot be formed or do they manifest but something causes them to freeze so they never find the light of day? The denial of fault, the deflection of blame, the resolute and forthright rejection of any accountability. All you want is to hear her say it the once, to say sorry, to hear that admission and sense some humanity exists there after all. What’s it all for? Perhaps she believes that I will think less of her if she apologises to me?

The never-ending carousel of blame and accusation. The merry-go-round of that dizzying discussion which never reaches fruition. The whirling array of “I never said that”, “you do the same”, “you can’t keep accusing me” and so much more leaves you disorientated and nauseous. Just once, just one time, can’t something be resolved without this round-the-houses farce? Must it always be this way? Why is nothing ever put to bed? Why is everything buried alive? What’s it all for? Maybe he just doesn’t understand me, perhaps I need to be clearer about what I mean?

The broken engagements. The no-shows. The promises to meet and then the failure to appear leaving you upset, annoyed and miserable. He promised. He promised that this would not happen again. The frequent ringing and all you receive is the notification that the cellphone you are calling is not available right now. Where is he? Has he forgotten? He cannot have done, you spoke to him only four hours ago to remind him of the arrangements, especially after what happened last time. You miss him and you were so looking forward to spending the night together after a period of not being able to do so. Surely he should have remembered? The chasing messages “Where are you?”, “Are you near?”, “I have been waiting twenty minutes, where are you?”, “What’s happening, I am worried”. What’s it all for? Perhaps he has had to work late, or he is stuck on the subway or he has run out of charge for his ‘phone?

The repeated alterations to arrangements. The tears, the shouting, the disappointments, the rolling out of false explanations to try to ease their upset. Yes, he did say he would take you out today, he must be caught up with something else, why don’t we do something instead? How can he let the children down like this? The turning up without agreement and demanding to see the children. Forcing you into a corner in order to placate him so the children are not scared. You back off again and again. Always you making the compromises. Always you trying to explain away the increasingly unexplainable. The arguments about the arrangements, the lies about what was arranged, the confusion over details. What’s it all for? Is he going mad? Maybe you are?

The insults and slurs, the nasty words, the harsh put-downs and the savage comments. The vicious text message tirades sent at 3am, the blistering verbal attack down the telephone, the dressing-down in person just before a night out. The personal cutting remarks, the swear-words, the name-calling and the labelling. So hurtful, so demeaning, so upsetting. What’s it all for? Perhaps he just doesn’t love you anymore?

The chopping and changing. Last week’s steak had to be well done and now it has to be bloody. How were you expected to know, but you were? The eruption and the tantrum which followed demonstrated that you were the one to blame. Red is good, now it is bad. No soda with the vodka, but now he is banging doors and shouting because there is no soda. Sit there, no there, be quiet, say something, leave me alone, you never speak to me much these days, do it like that, no don’t do it like that, who taught you to do this it is brilliant, who taught you to do that you are an amateur, back and forth, push and pull, right then wrong. What’s it all for? Perhaps he just cannot remember or just wants to keep changing for the sake of it? Perhaps the pressure of work is really getting to him these days?

The argument over nothing. The argument out of nowhere. The argument when everything was going well. Why is she angry all of the time? Nothing is ever right but rather than discuss it in a civil manner and be reasonable with one another, there always has to be a fight. She could start an argument in an empty room. She seems to thrive on creating a scene. So many days, so many occasions, so many events all spoiled by the epic tantrum which she throws. What’s it all for? Perhaps she has anger management issues?

The sudden bouquet of flowers. The expensive perfume. The sudden trip away to somewhere exotic and exciting. The sensitive poem carefully written in copper plate and placed under your pillow. The sudden proclamations of love. The dizzying romance. The grand gestures. What’s it all for? He must really, really love me.

The accusations, the challenges, the pointed finger and the sneer. The demands for the truth when you are telling the truth. The inquisition and the interrogations over anything and nothing. The way you answered the phone, the way you wear your dress, the friends you said you were visiting, the time you came home. Always the questions, the allegations of lying, cheating and skullduggery. Every time this happens when you want to do something and he never seems to realise he does all of these things himself. What’s it all for? Perhaps he is just possessive because he cares so much?

The lies. The tales. The fabrications. Every day a new boast which is so outrageous that she must surely know she is telling a porky pie. The flagrant omissions of the truth. The repeated protestations that this is the truth even when you know she is lying again. The lies when the truth would serve her better. The inability to know she is lying. The fact she really does seem to believe her lies are her truth. What’s it all for? Perhaps she is just a born liar and a fantasist?

The disappearances whenever you need help. The excuses that he has something else more important when you require support. The sudden coldness when you call and explain how you have been bullied at work again. The distant look and the eye-rolling as you try to explain why you are crying. The sudden lack of availability when you need a hand. The fact you must fend for yourself even though you are too weak to stand and feel dizzy. The shirking of responsibility, the rejection of assistance and the distancing when you are injured. What’s it all for? Perhaps he just cannot stand the sight of blood or does not know what to do when somebody is ill?

The flirting, the staying out late, the drunkenness, the drugs, the gambling, the smell of perfume on his clothes, the receipts from lap-dancing bars, the hours and hours and hours spent watching porn online, the obsession with his video games, the sudden and mysterious trips away. What’s it all for? Perhaps he has an addictive personality?

The tears, the pleading, the begging, the demand for one more chance, the assurances that it will never happen again, the promises to get help, the panic in his eyes and the wailing from his mouth. The neediness, the repeated requests to make things right, the long involved explanations, the repetition of how we should be together and how good we are for one another, the promises, the future, oh the promises of what the future can hold for us both. What’s it all for? Perhaps he is broken and you should not walk away from someone in such need?

Maybe he struggles to express himself?

Maybe he just has never had anybody stand up to him?

Maybe she has problems with trusting people?

Maybe he is just disorganised?

Maybe he struggles with being a single parent?

Maybe he cannot help how he feels?

Maybe he is indecisive?

Maybe he feels unappreciated?

Maybe he really does love you?

Maybe that’s his way of loving you?

Maybe she is just different?

Maybe he doesn’t love you anymore?

Maybe he can’t help but feel jealous because he really does love you?

Maybe she tells lies to make herself feel better?

Maybe he struggles with responsibility?

Maybe she is tired?

Maybe he is lost?

Maybe she is over-worked?

Maybe he is stressed?

 

Maybe you don’t know what you are entangled with?

Maybe you make too many excuses for them?

What’s it all for?

Fuel.

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17 thoughts on “What’s It All For?”

  1. Yes, I intellectualise and make too many excuses. It is a coping mechanism deeply rooted in me. I see their wounds and use them to justify their abuse and manipulate myself.

  2. All so true!
    But I’m not that woman anymore … unfortunately the next in line will get it now..
    a short but intense thing with a new supply and now back to Hoover for real! He wants to get back.. don’t ask just doing major investment in trying…
    I’m never going down that road again. I’m free!!!

  3. Your post is spot on, the truth hurts to read. I ate the shit my narc husband dished out for 25 years. The never ending carousel of blame…I took two lie detector tests to prove I never cheated on him but he still didn’t believe me. The insults and slurs…I’ve been cussed like a dog and called every name in the book. The sudden silences…the silent treatments lasted for weeks, I was invisible when they occurred. I could go on but why, you wrote it all.

  4. HG-
    First time responding …The above describes my life for 12 years…Thank you for putting into words what I have tried for years to do…

  5. “Maybe you make too many excuses for them?”

    That’s exactly the problem!

    Someone who treats you dismissively basically tells you that you are not worthy of being treated with respect!! If you accept such behaviour, you basically tell them that you agree with them.

  6. This explains it brilliantly!
    It’s all for one thing.
    Thanks for making me understand.
    There were so many “maybes” and it was hard to come to the realization that it was all done on purpose.
    I really just thought she was different and needed to be loved.

    On a side note, I got a text last night from a number I didn’t recognize. I have only put a few contacts in my new phone so there are plenty of numbers I sometimes don’t recognize but I had a bad feeling. It said ” tell Ethan (my son) that I’m proud of him and that I love him”. I really was hoping that it was from one of his bus drivers or a teacher so I replied “from who, lol”.
    I looked back at my old phone and realized it was from the teenager that had worked on an autism project with me and now lives with my ex as her “daughter”. I feel so bad for her because she has no idea what she is dealing with.
    I have learned too much here to think that she just texted out of the blue and without pressure and assistance from my ex. It’s hard not to respond back but I know I can’t communicate with her. I feel bad. Now I’m just paranoid about when the next move will be made.

    HG, when you have one of your lieutenants call or text one of your exes do they ever ask any questions?

  7. Having been a shelf girl, I read this and wonder if this is what life is really like for the ex’s wife. They have been married almost 50 years. She seems happy and fun in public and they are revered as the most wonderful and envied couple in town by their peers. I know that she has survived multiple affairs. Many have called her at home and she has gotten to where she simply hands the phone to him and says this call must be for you. They are one of the most elite couples in town and she hails from one of the wealthiest families in the state. He, of course, always painted her as a terrible mother, crazy to the point of complete inability to care for herself much less anyone else and frigid, hence, him being forced to find intimacy elsewhere. I know she has questioned him as to whether or not he was the father of my daughter. She isn’t. They look so happy. HG, is life really as miserable for her as this entry describes?

    1. It is, 12345, miserable… his wife just hasn’t been enlightened to what he is. Wealth and money does not ease the misery. Remember it is a construct and facade. She may be “numb” and does not provide the fuel he requires… he will always seek out IPSS and it will always be her fault… all the IPSS will believe his lies as well (frigid, crazy but she’s like that from his abuse) I could go on, because I do know what its like to walk in her shoes…

      1. Yes, Ms Brown, I quickly learned from HG that everything he said about her was a lie. I joined him in hating her when I was with him because I believed him. Can you believe that?! I actually believed that shit. I feel terrible about that now but I can’t get the toothpaste back in the tube.

      2. don’t be too hard on yourself…. you didn’t know “whats up”, now you do! Move forward!

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