You Wear Guilt



You wear guilt like a noose around your neck. There it hangs, just waiting to be yanked by me and the tightening ligature around that slender neck will bring you back into line. I can then allow the noose to hang about your neck once again, ready to be used as soon as I decide that it is necessary. You do not even try to remove this noose, you would, of course feel guilty if you tried to do so and as a consequence it will always remain with you, on you and about you.

There is no slow squeezing when this noose is called into action. It is immediate, painful and chastising. It allows the sudden and instant exertion of control. What better way than to achieve this than relying on something that is intrinsic to another person. This noose burns, it constricts and it chokes and you know that it is not going to go anywhere. The only way to deal with it is to comply and then the noose will slacken but it will not grant you release.

You have carried this noose for a very long time. Once upon a time it was only a few strands thick, yet for all of that apparent fragility, it could not be cut nor broken, neither snapped or torn. As time went on, the strands multiplied so that the thickness increased until now it hangs about you, sturdy and effective. Nobody else wove those additional strands into it. You did. You brought it all on yourself because of the twisted delight you have to wear this noose. You regard it as an obligation. It is part of who you are and whilst the pain it causes you is something that you would prefer not to have to suffer, you know that when it makes you suffer, you gain comfort from its presence and effect.

You know that not everybody has such a noose. There are those who do not even have one. You wonder often what that must be like. Not to have the yoke about you which weighs you down, restricts you and governs you. What must such freedom feel like? Then there are those who have such a noose but they seem to be able to lift it off and leave it behind when it suits them. Others still find that the noose is weak and it snaps apart when it seeks to apply pressure against its wearer. No such release for you.

This is the noose that has you always compliant. Sometimes you fight against it, hoping that you might perhaps once, just once, be able to exert such strength that causes it to break, but it never happens. No matter what resistance you exhibit or how much you strain to tear it apart, you fail and have no choice other than to comply so that the pain recedes. It leaves its mark about you. There is no doubt about it. Even though the searing pain may have lessened, you can feel that tight grip still and you know that others can see where it has left its mark. Not all have this ability to recognise the mark of the noose, but a certain group do and they always want to exploit its presence. Oh there have been times when you have sought to hide this noose, mask its presence in the hope that you escape the attention of those who recognise it. Even if you manage to conceal the noose, the mark that it has left about your neck is like an indelible stain. You cannot remove it and it is the stamp that tells those who know these things that you carry such a noose.

You may not realise that it is you who has added those additional strands over the years, causing the noose to thicken and strengthen. Those strands are bound together, layer upon layer, wound about one another, so that they become more than the sum of their parts. The strands which are fashioned from your pervasive, deep-seated guilt, are added to because of those things which you say and do. Each time you think a certain way, which you cannot help but do because of who and what you are, another strand is added, then another, until soon the noose becomes thick and heavy. Each time you think the following

It is my fault; I did not listen.

I need to do more to help.

He cannot help it.

I need to ensure I understand.

If only I could be stronger.

If only I knew what to do.

I should be getting home; he will wonder where I am.

I should not be doing this.

I should not speak ill of him really; he is my husband.

I should not think these things, I do love him, I just feel so weak and this is when I have these thoughts.

I ought to have realised.

I must listen more.

I have to keep trying.

I owe it to him to help.

He isn’t as bad as people say.

If I just keep going it will become better.

I have to try because if I don’t, who will be there for him.

It is my duty.

I made my vows and I shall abide by them.

I must be doing something wrong to make him feel like this.

I just seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

These thoughts and words, plus many more, cause the noose to become stronger. Thus it tightens and I yank it, pulling you in my direction so that you remain under my control, bound by this guilt to serve, to support and to fuel. An ever present burden which you add to yourself each and every day. A method by which you are manipulated, cajoled and coerced to fulfil my needs.

This noose is not there to hang you. No, there is no desire to bring about your demise. You are more effective to us functioning. Your guilt will not bring about your end,  but instead it acts to maintain your imprisonment.

You make the noose grow.

I make the noose control you.

Can it be escaped? We think not. It is for life. Even though it may not tighten or constrict for some time, even years, it is always there and with the mark so prominent, another may come and utilise the control that the noose affords even though we may not be able to.

We will not lift it. It matters too greatly to us.

We will not lift it because it is your burden, perpetuated by you.

But it can be lifted. It is not simple or straightforward and we ensure we do not allow you the opportunity to address this chance to relieve yourself of this noose of guilt. It can be done. It is quite the task to achieve but for you, that journey begins by answering one question.

Who put it there in the first place?

31 thoughts on “You Wear Guilt

  1. C.M. says:

    Exactly !! Who put it there in the first place ?
    It was not you nor any of your kind: it was the victims lack of total self that attracted them to your kind.
    Empathy is one thing but staying even 1 second with any man or woman who is not respectful, manipulating, or controlling in anyway is just a sign of weakness. Yes, I’m guilty of this as well but it is not all the narcissists fault!
    They are the messenger for us to look deep within ourselves and fix us. I’m not sure a true NAR can heal and feel postive emotions nor do i think they are suppose to.
    We all have our place and theirs just may be to awaken the empath to there higher calling.
    By reading your blogs and your books i find it fascinating how you feed off others. Of course i feel terrible for you that you lack the ability to feel love and want to “save” you. But i also believe you are here to save me.
    So, feed off this …. f#$% you if you think you own me for life .
    Play your games, i will stop you. If it kills me , these games of destruction will end. I wish to empower the “victim” and LOVE your kind with the truth.
    I have no desire to win YOUR game , no i will win by breaking the chains of your power and taking it as a lesson to love me more and not open up so easily! To use my intuition, think clearly and observe a heck of alot more before i share myself.

    I love deeply and my LOVE does not die for you, but i will not be controlled by you. I thank you for showing me a deep LOVE, by mirroring what i want in a relationship. This helped me to love me more.

    I do believe you can heal, just as i can. But you cannot help me no i have to do it.
    Just as i cannot help you, you have to do it.

    So hugs and kisses to you, i do not know you, but i love you.
    You are an amazing, intriguing man Tutor as all of your kind are.

    Play away, I’m game! Ball is in my court for a bit and I’m keeping it while i decide and calculate my next move.
    But, truthfully i just want to understand why YOU cannot feel love !!!!!!!!
    Big sigh …..

  2. Ali says:

    very true. we can shed the guilt if we realize we did nothing wrong, we did our best. We must also realize how much bull is being put onto our shoulders. Then we must seek to strengthen our inner-self, our truths, our convictions and see our own morals and values are the way they should be.

    to my ex:
    I am not responsible for your faulty perceptions.
    I am not responsible for you not understanding what I explained to you, 5 different ways and calmly
    I am not responsible for your well-being
    I am not responsible for cleaning up the messes of a 40+ year old
    I am not responsible for your self-sabotage and self-victimization to gain fuel even as you attempt to make me your scapegoat
    I am not responsible for the debts you accumulated while you prevented me from having any say financially or while you made sure I could not work/have a job
    I am not responsible for your well-being or suicidal claims of “if I leave you your suicide will be my fault”, no… no it will not as I did not hold the pills and tipped the bottle and I did not hold the blade. I walked away, that is all. The rest is YOUR choice, YOUR decision… and I am well aware that it was not a true threat in any case as it was said only to try and force me to always remain under your thumb
    I am not responsible for your games or for the times you got yourself fired in order to further prevent me getting my freedom back
    I am in no way responsible for you ever thinking I would be your slave and forever subservient
    I am not responsible for you thinking I was a tool to be used and then discarded or set aside until you felt I was needed for more use
    I am not responsible for the things you claimed I was.
    I AM responsible for ME, for getting my freedom and my life back.
    I AM responsible for refusing to let you walk all over me
    I AM responsible for standing up to you and calling you out on your BS
    I AM responsible for demanding that you take responsibility for your own actions
    I AM responsible for teaching our child not to take BS
    I AM responsible for living my life, rebuilding it free of your poisonous, toxic influence
    I AM NOT responsible for your criticism, your views, your twisted half-truths or any of your beliefs.
    I AM DEFINITELY NOT responsible for your childish tantrums and the abuse you chose to inflict on us during our married years.
    I am good enough
    I am a good person
    I am someone who works hard and loves deeply
    I no longer doubt/am no longer blind to tat which I bring to the table in ANY relationship or situation
    I am no longer subject to your whims, your tantrums, your guilt trips, your victimization of yourself, your scapegoating or your lies
    You have no more power over me,
    despite your best games
    I am FREE

    1. K says:

      You go girl!!!! Fighting words!!! Yes, you are free and I am happy for you!

  3. DJ says:

    Brilliant, HG. Chilling and true

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you DJ.

  4. Narc affair says:

    I feel guilt everyday. Guilt towards choices in my life and their impact. Guilt towards not respecting myself to make decisions i need to and instead avoiding them. Turning a blind eye to what is right and instead focussing on what i want. Guilt towards falling in love with another man i should of never fallen in love with. I feel guilt for not being the woman i know i am which is a good woman who does the responsible thing in life regardless of the pain itll bring.
    As for the narc i feel guilt not towards hating him at times and lashing out because hes instigated that in me with his mind games. I feel guilty for allowing our lives to be intertwined the way theyve become. To change things would mean destroying the world weve become together. Guilt for letting this happen. Guilt over the thought of leaving him which i cant imagine doing. So much guilt and shame to last a lifetime. One day i hope to be free of it and feel good about who i am and my choices in life. Guilt is so heavy and it exhausts a persons soul.

    1. Sherry Stewart says:

      I felt everything you said. My heart is pounding and my breathing has become shallow. You described my life.
      I’m sick of the guilt he has placed upon me..yet I stay. I am loosing my mind.

  5. Snow White says:

    Mine came from the catholic school. I never wanted to get in trouble or to let anyone down. I was never did anything wrong growing up. I was taught that everyone sinned and you needed to confess everything to the righteous person in the closed box.
    I remember feeling guilty and nervous all the time about confession.
    Now I don’t trust anyone in any higher power setting or what they are trying to tell me. It’s sad how my views of this world have completely changed.

    I left my toxic relationship with tons of guilt. I know she set the stages for it early on but I still felt it. She set me up for it.

    A year later, the noose has loosened quite a bit. I don’t feel responsible for everybody that happened like I did.

    1. Narc affair says:

      Hi snow white
      Im catholic as well. I can relate altho i dont go to church i still hold many of my beliefs. I still believe very strongly in a God. Ive had too many experiences not to believe. My Gods always bern there for me when needed and asked. I never preach to others or hold judgement bc thats wrong. I do understand where youre coming from tho as far as the religion itself it can be quite strict and guilt laden. Each person has to find their way in life on their own. Be true to you.

      1. Snow White says:

        Hi Narc Affair!
        One of the sysptoms that came from my C-PTSD was loss of faith, self, and what’s real and not real. I thought I knew exactly what I believed in and was proud to be the person that I was and then I didn’t know who I had turned into. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would have had an affair and that I would have entered into a polygamist relationship but that’s were I was.
        I questioned everything when I left that behind. Who I was, what I ate, who could I trust ( no one ), God, evolution, and every single step and movement I took. I question people’s motives and agendas everyday including what’s appropriate and what’s not.
        I still talk about this in therapy because it’s one of the bigger issues I still have.
        I don’t know when or how this will get better for me.

        It is comforting to know that your faith is still strong and that it has helped you. Maybe mine will return to that one day.

      2. Narc affair says:

        Hi snow white
        I think thats pretty common when coming out if a narcissisti relationship losing a sense of your identity. I know even in a normal one after so long a time you feel lost. Narcissistic abuse tho really strips you of everything and identity and belief system is one of those. Instead of looking back at who was i i think id just start a new chapter of who am i now and be an even better version! Ive read your posts and from what youve said youve really done an awesome job moving forward in life. Its hard to see it when youre still so wrapped up in the emotions and trying to sort thru the debris but youve done the hardest part which is leaving. Also you are able to reflect on where you went wrong. So many victims hop right back into a narcissistic dynamic after leaving one.
        It takes a strength to leave and to own up to our choices in life. That is strength! As far as your religious beliefs thatll happen over time. You seem a spiritual person and are able to look within. Healing is the most important and also learning to love yourself and forgive yourself. You did what many of us are still struggling to do!

        1. Snow White says:

          Hi Narc Affair,
          Thank you for the wonderful things you just said.
          I loved what you said about starting a new chapter. I am a different person (some good, some bad) and I am hoping that I continue to heal and learn as much as I can. I never expected to learn as much as I have about myself here.
          I am on Narc watch daily!!! LOL… I don’t want to be anywhere near that abuse again. But I now realize how my personality played a part in it.

          I am happy that you are still around here. Do you have anyone in the outside world to talk to about your situation? I know how hard it was not to have anyone to talk to. This place provides a lot of support and I hope that there are others that are able to get out. I have said many times that it was the hardest thing I ever had to do so I know the decisions that you struggle with.
          I am sending you many hugs and lots of strength

  6. You’re spot on – I put the noose round my own neck. I’m pretty sure I lifted it the day I gave my ex his marching orders, after his manipulation of the noose left me suicidal, and in search of a literal noose to place around my neck. Thank you.

  7. A.R. says:

    If the challenging & confrontational work of undoing the noose can be done…

    Does the mark ever go away?

    Does the attraction to narcissists ever change?

    Would narcissists find us less attractive without the guilt to tug on?


  8. VFH says:

    I see the links to the empath for sure but, to me, sounds like you could mostly be talking about yourself there HG.

  9. ajo says:

    Bravo! Great word picture! I am in the process of removing mine and it is freeing. Loved this.

  10. Lisa says:

    Hmmmm…. Perhaps my mother, but I chose to carry it all my life.
    Looks like now I have to clean up her mess!
    Thanks HG. On point as usual.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  11. Jenny says:

    I know who… doesn’t make it any easier to remove though… but awareness helps I guess…. I’ve come to the conclusion that in life I’m just better off alone, it’s the safest option…

    1. mistynolan01 says:

      I’d like to suggest that there’s someone out there who is looking for you and would strongly disagree with your desire to withhold your wonderful self from the world! Yes, alone is safe, but you deserve love, attention and affection. It’s easier said than believed, as all good advice is, for some of us, but believing is what I’m determined to do! I hope you and I and others here continue to learn from the Master Greater and go on to live happy and fulfilled lives as we deserve.

      1. SVR says:

        If you have that outlook then you will get there. I am an example of that. So you can do it, go girl x

  12. mistynolan01 says:

    Yes. We put the noose on ourselves. Like the narc, we are also in a prison of our own making. But(!) unlike the narc, we hold the keys of freedom from you which you do not have to free yourselves from us. With effort, we can heal; we can go on. Our submission is voluntary after all. We make a conscious decision to weigh your bullshit and decide whether it’s worth a go.

    But, you? You are trapped and there’s nothing you can do about it. You would love to not depend on our fuel as your very life’s blood. We, on the other hand, do not need your shit and are (ha!) better off without it.

    You are contemptuous of us because you have to work like a bullock in order to perpetrate your “machinations” to obtain the fuel you need to feeeeeel your worth and importance.

    We can feel good and worthy and needed and important whether you are there or not.

    Thanks for this slap in the face, HG. It’s just what I needed! Smooches!

    1. SVR says:

      Agree fab article HG and slap in the face lol!
      We are voluntarily there and that heaven is hell.
      I count myself as a very brave woman and am not in the slightest bit guilty (the guilt actually being for me allowing myself to be proud of me). I am a whole person now thanks to one hell of an experience and an in depth long recovery. I cannot and do not hate him but I want him no where near me again. If he calls I have his noose packed in a brown paper bag saying return to sender, no longer required but thanks for the awakening. I cannot feel hate for him but what I do feel is nothing for him.
      So SVR is as my initials state.
      Good luck all in your recovery, this is your lesson. Be bright and go shine again as the world is magical. X

      1. SVR says:

        And her as I had a narc female friend also. She tried to contact my child via fb recently. Honestly they are just something else.

      2. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you SVR.

  13. MLA - Clarece says:

    This sounds like the perfect dance between co-dependant and Narc. Our noose of guilt and your inner wounds of deep shame link us together to feed your need for complete control and our need to serve and please out of duty and obligation that validates our sense of purpose.

  14. JC says:

    great post

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you JC.

  15. K says:

    My ex declared out of the blue once, “You do not feel guilt. Everybody I know feels guilt but you.” I replied, “Why would I feel guilty, I did nothing wrong. If I did something bad, then I am sure I would feel guilt.” He just repeated, “You do not feel guilt.” When I was a child I went to catholic school and I was too rebellious to believe much of what I was taught by the nuns (sadists). It was all a load of crap, especially guilt.

    1. mistynolan01 says:

      I empathize (surprise!?). Schooled under those bitches (Dominican Haven) for 12 years! I absorbed their lie that “there is always a sin to confess Lady Jane!” In my tender years, as a good little girl, those lies of theirs forced me to sin by creating sins to confess! Total abuse of the psyche!

      That’s why now, even the HINT that I SHOULD feel guilty for something for which I’m not, gets my back WAY up!

    2. Mira says:

      Sounds like that saved you.

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