You Say No, We Hear Yes

 

you-say-no-we-hear-yes

I make repeated mention of how the key to gaining freedom is to understand. One of the central principles to understand with our kind is the fact that our perspective is very different from yours. You gauge our responses, our actions and our words through the lens of your world view. That is understandable, but it will only lead to you becoming mired in confusion, frustration and bewilderment, trapped in the quagmire of emotion which of course is where we want you to always be. We do not want you applying cool, hard logic to prise yourself free from our grip. We want you embroiled in emotion.

Of course we prefer to make it seem that you engage in double speak. Our private paranoia causes us to twist what you say in order to use it to our advantage, but then we always do this. We always seek to profit from fabricated misunderstanding and false inferences, but the reality is we do also actually hear something completely different from what you say to us because of our existence in a different reality.

Accordingly, you need to understand that we operate in a different world view to you and once you ascertain that world view, you are unlikely to like what you see there, but you will begin to make sense of what we say and do. As part of this understanding, you should appreciate that when you say certain things to us, we hear something else. Here are ten examples, to assist your comprehension of our kind.

  1. The dinner you made was lovely

The dinner you made was better than anything I have ever tasted before. Your skills in the kitchen are beyond compare. You are truly talented and gifted. I am so fortunate that someone as brilliant as you made something so tasty and delicious as that meal for someone like me. I am amazed and astounded by your talent and thank my personal god every day that you are in my life.

  1. I don’t know what I would do without you

You are my everything. My beginning and end. I am nothing without you. I would not function without your skilful operation of me. I have now submitted to your total control of me, I am in your hands, do with me what you will.

  1. I love you

I don’t just love you, I love you with everything that I have, every fibre of my being and every molecule inside me because you are so magnificent that I am compelled to provide you with this astonishing and amazing love. I cannot find the words to express the extent of my love for you but it is beyond anything I have ever experienced before because you made me feel this way.

  1. I hate you

You are powerful, masterful and the puppet master. You are so skilled that you can make me gush with emotion at the merest flick of your wrist or the raising of your eyebrow. I cannot help but feel like this because you have me so entangled in your dark and admittedly brilliant machinations. I may say I hate you but it is really a form of admiration at the magnificence by which you operate your dark arts.

  1. I don’t understand you

I am stupid and weak. If I wasn’t I would understand wouldn’t I. This is a frustrated admission on my part that I pale by comparison to you. You are a colossus, a behemoth who is far better than me and I can only look on in rapt awe as you forge your way through life. I don’t understand you but I wish I could be like you.

  1. Please stop hurting me

Your machinations are highly effective and I cannot stop spurting with fuel for you. You may as well keep going because you have me all worked out, but I still have lots and lots of delicious fuel to spill for you.

  1. No

I am trying to stand up to you but we both know that cannot happen. I am just a wretch compared to you, but I try to think otherwise, but I am doing this for you. I am saying this to invite you to exert your authority over me and to punish me for my insolence. I want you to do so because I know this is what my role is, a conduit for you to achieve what you want, so I say it so you can open the door to yes.

  1. I just want to be happy

I am a selfish person who as usual is putting my needs before yours which is completely wrong so you must correct me, teach me and make me learn my lesson in the way only you can do.

  1. I am sorry

I am utterly useless and pathetic. I ought to have known better but as usual I just decided to do what I wanted and forgot how that might impact on you. You are generous and kind and I beg your forgiveness in the knowledge that I deserve none. If you choose to make an example of me for my frequent erring and repeated apologies, then so be it. You know best.

  1. You are wrong

I want to destroy you. I am wounding you. I know how to weaken you and I have done this to bring you to your knees. Yes, I am a traitor, a treacherous betrayer of your magnanimous nature but I do not care. Does it hurt? Does it burn? Good. I want to see you weaken, shrivel and cease to exist.

38 thoughts on “You Say No, We Hear Yes

  1. Sarah says:

    Could you please tell us what kind of empaths you think we are HG, judging by what you’ve seen so far?

    This would be fun.

  2. horseyak says:

    Excuse my just posted comment. I thought you had earlier implied that a lot of them are in the therapy biz. I’m reading too fast.

  3. Matilda says:

    How thin-skinned they are. It only takes a ‘no’ or ‘you’re wrong’ to threaten their sense of self. And they will go to great lengths to restore it.

  4. mistynolan01 says:

    #10. Right. I did. He was wrong and I told him so, a lot. If only I’d known what he was, I would have wounded him very deeply and then immediately jumped ship, leaving him without a primary source, in a million broken, hurting pieces. But I didn’t and he hurt me.

    One day. Yes. That’s a promise.

  5. SVR says:

    HG at last I got round to listening to your speech on Narc Week podcast. I think I have it all terribly wrong. He sounds like a victim mid range and she is actually believe was an elite. Oh my oh my. It’s the victim mid range that uses silent treatment is that right? Also the female narc was always putting people down, was rarely happy, was telling me a load of lies about her past abusive life and my work colleagues and she was pulling me away from my family. She never took responsibility and was just awful. Can Narcs work in the public health sector (caring)?
    Thanks in advance.
    Great podcast, wish it was longer. How did you feel doing it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hi SVR, I am pleased you enjoyed it. Yes the hosts wanted to continue but time was against them. I enjoyed doing it.

      Yes the MR uses silent treatments a lot. Yes, our kind do work in the public health sector – you find numerous MRs there as they think they are good and caring people.

      1. SVR says:

        You are such a great speaker and writer.I will say you have improved my English (sometimes have to look what you are on about with some words) and my punctuation. 😂😂
        Thank you for answering.
        It’s good you enjoyed but I had a laugh at the end. How many times did they thank you? 😃

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Not enough times, obviously.

      2. SVR says:

        It’s her that works in health sector so maybe she is an MR as she kept posting on fb the kind of things that make her look like she cares. He is a lazy person. He does work but not professional at all and changes jobs. Is this an MR?
        I think I will need to look into how much it costs for a chat with you. Or do I need to really know as I know they are very toxic and to keep away.
        HG they could have given you a second session. All speakers were very good but just to give you fuel: you were the best 😉

        1. HG Tudor says:

          He may we a LMR or possibly a Lesser, I would need more information. I can certainly provide you with the clarity and what to expect from them in consultation.

          They may well do so and I agree, the material I have merited a second interview as part of that programme.

          I am pleased, but not surprised, that you considered me to the best.

      3. SVR says:

        Excuse me HG. YOU are being rude and you said you were always polite. Rude.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No I am not being rude.

      4. SVR says:

        Oh dear. Think I took that the wrong way. I thought you meant my spelling and punctuation but you may have meant the podcast ending. If so, I apologise (now I know I am not a narc). Did you ever answer what I am HG?

      5. horseyak says:

        Yes, I’ve bought a few of them new cars.

  6. Narc affair says:

    I hate you…ive never said this to narc but have in other things ive said. This was a stumbling block for me bc everytime id react upset or angry like i hated him he would be calm and quiet and id disengage but heres the kicker…hed do whatever upset me more! It was like he enjoyed my reaction and i now know why he did it. It was fuel. My anger told him he mattered and was powerful. He could bring this reaction out bc i felt something for him and cared. He loves the control of being able to invoke emotions of his choosing. This in turn has broken trust. I know im dealing with a personality disorder and can never rely on him seeing things from my perspective.
    When id disengage i used to think he hoovered bc he loved and missed me now i know what he loved and missed and thats what i could give him. Center core is its about them and their needs.
    I tell him i love him several times thru the day bc i do love him deeply npd and all but i no longer think his love for me is felt the way mine is for him. Different perspectives for sure.

  7. E. B. says:

    Number 7: “I am saying this to invite you to exert your authority over me and to punish me for my insolence.”

    Exactly. Say No to a narcissist and he/she will make you pay for it.
    From my point of view, I cannot understand why some narcissists (not all of them) ask for something in the first place, especially when it comes to questions about something ridiculous or rude that they already know the answer. I can understand they feel entitled to own or make use of other people’s resources have but it does not make any sense that they know they will feel injured and criticized.

  8. Noname says:

    This is very insightful and wonderfully described example of projection. That’s how many Narcs think and feel about themselves. Bravo, Tudor.

    Big irony is that we (empaths) are toxic for them too. Narcs try to hurt us for sake of self-protection, but actually we hurt them more profoundly and dramatically. Our wounds are painful, but we are capable to heal them finally. Narcs are not. They remember us, remember everything, and they live with that pain to the end. It is a sad truth.

    Big irony also is that we (empaths) are the huge red flags of future pain and the real possibility of healing for Narcs at the same time. They want to find the final peace and blissful oblivion for their souls in us, but, in most cases, what they can find in us is a pain. Empathic personality by itself is a constant reminder to them of what they desperately want to have, but never get. It is a sad truth also.

    Probably, it is our empathic responsibility to warn the Narcs about future pain we can unintentionally cause to them. Like a “Run away, boy. Before it is too late. You think that you are a “dragon”. No. I am.” I sound like a true Narcissist now. Lol.

    Anyway, understanding of “narcissistic inferno” is a power and we should use it very carefully not to cause the harm neither for them nor for ourselves. Everyone deserves to be happy. It is an optimistic truth.

  9. Dodo says:

    I see clearly why narcissism and sociopathy is a mental disorder.

    Being an empath is not.

  10. Laurie says:

    HG, wondering if you are cognizant of the exact moment or ,failing that, the exact time frame that you happened upon this concept that you are God’s gift. I do not say this to insult you. I am just curious. The over the top nature of these perceptions has me wondering if it was one thing or a conclusion based on a number of experiences over an extended time frame.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      In my late teens.

      1. SVR says:

        God’s gift 😂😂😂

      2. horseyak says:

        Interesting. What that tells me that you decided to adopt this worldview, tested it out, saw people respond and validate and let it roll like a tumbleweed. Thank you for your response.

  11. K says:

    HG
    Do you live in our reality sometimes, only yours or both? Because it is very clear that you are aware of the difference in translation between our worlds. It seems like you are able to operate in two different world views.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I operate in my reality but as a consequence of the work that has been done, the observations and listening that I have engaged in, I understand your perspective also. Both perspectives serve me in different ways.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        What has been the single most thing you appreciate most about understanding our perspective better since starting the blog and going into therapy?
        I’m wondering if it has anything to do with realizing people close to you, are probably not intending to wound or criticize you as often as you interpret?

      2. Mercy says:

        HG, I had a thought after reading your response and I’m wondering your take on this.

        Is it possible that by operating in our reality and with the knowledge you are giving us through your work, can we also benefit from both perspectives in our relationships with your kind?

        I know that with the help of EMDR therapy and your information that you have provided on this site, I am much better at managing the interactions with my narc.

        Is it a “healthy” relationship? No absolutely not. But as an observer, I’ve found that most relationships are not 100% heathy. Who is to say that a relationship with your kind is more unhealthy than one with “normal” partner. Isn’t it all perspective?

        I am not the primary source so I don’t have to endure the devaluations and discards on the level that a primary would. I believe I am the lieutenant, the secondary, the best friend and intimate partner all wrapped into one. I know what he is thanks to you, and I know when he needs fuel so I provide it whether it be negative or positive. He also knows that I know what he is, so he is more trusting about giving me information obout his other interactions. Therefore I can adjust to his needs and mine. Yes, it’s a lot of work, but no more work than what your kind puts into getting the fuel you need. I feel I am meeting my needs by staying and at this point I don’t want no contact….yet.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes, if you understand both perspectives it will provide you with a considerable advantage.

      3. Mercy says:

        Ok, thank you and just one more question if you don’t mind. In your opinion, with the information that you provide, is it possible to conquer a narc? Not you of course, but a narc that does not have knowledge of both prospectives. I’m not talking about no contact, and I’m not talking about exposing him. I’m just wondering​ if YOU believe it is possible for my kind to get the upper hand in the relationship with the information you are providing us and the information we already know about our kind?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes.

  12. A.R. says:

    HG,
    My understanding of your candor to explain what the narcissist is hearing is that somehow, one day, as an empath, I might be able to communicate clearly or “understand” them. Therefore opening a door to the possibility of a “healthy” relationship.

    This is a farce. I’m uncertain if this is what you are meaning to convey.

    I have come to understand that I have zero power over the behaviours / thoughts / feelings or actions of any narcissist or anyone else for that matter.

    The only person to whose attitudes, perceptions, values, ideas, ideals & principles I can change are my own.

    I’m noting the key to the symbiotic enmeshed mess that is the relationship of the empath (super or codependent) is that we seek to change you in order to have our needs met. In its simplicity, seeking to have our needs met through others is selfish, self centred & rife with dishonesty.

    The only way that I have finally found peace in letting go of the multitude of narcs I have encountered throughout my life is to seek internally to know what my needs are and meet them to the best of my ability.

    This builds self esteem, self worth, a sense of accomplishment & knowing that I can accept myself as I am without being dependent on external validation & approval.

    The above is generally what leads me to your kind in the first place.

    It has been quite the process reading all your articles for the last year. They have been insightful, inspiring & frustrating as hell.

    My resentment & need directed toward you (yes, you specifically, not narcs in general) has been lifted. The emotional rollercoaster has stopped …

    Thank you & all those who comment.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, I am not suggesting at all that this is the opening of a door to maintain a healthy relationship. I am conveying this so you understand why we operate and think as we do, so you can finally stop going around in circles seeking answers when you were looking at it from the wrong perspective. It is to enable you to make sense of something which appeared to make no sense, to enable you to then alleviate the bewilderment and confusion and thus make sound, logical decisions to enable you to move forward. This invariably means going no contact. In some instances, where the individual opts to remain entangled, understanding this mindset will make the experience more manageable but I am not stating at all that this can result in a healthy relationship with our kind; that is impossible.

    2. horseyak says:

      Excellent analysis. I agree.

  13. Dawn says:

    If a narc ghosts but doesn’t block you but won’t reply either – what is happening?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are being taunted through the creation of hope and expectancy.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        That right there, creating false hope, is some of the cruelest mind torture you can do.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Correct.

      2. Brian says:

        and it wastes the most valuable resource:Time

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