I Vow To Thee



You will recall saying this when we got married. You said this as a vow. A binding contract witnessed by God. You agreed to it. So, when it all goes wrong (as it will invariably will) what will happen? I won’t divorce you. You can be sure of that. That will take too much of my time and energy and I also want to keep you connected to me (see Fantastic Elastic) . If you decide to divorce me then you will face my full wrath. How dare you have the audacity to take such a step? You are alleging that I have done something wrong when we all know the reason was that you imagined we had problems in our marriage. Admittedly, I had the grounds to divorce you, based on your unreasonable behaviour in moaning, questioning and nagging me, but I persevered. I would not let the institution of marriage be sullied by your behaviour and I ploughed on. Now you have chosen, on false grounds, to divorce me. How could you? I have done nothing wrong. I gave you everything (in the beginning) and now you suggest that I am inferior in some way that you wish to part from me. Not a chance in hell.

If you thought being married to me was torture, try divorcing me. I will evade service of papers repeatedly so the process is slowed down. I will repeatedly change lawyers (because they don’t say what I want to hear and thus they are incompetent) and seek adjournments (continuances) based on those changes. I will reach an agreement with you and then deny I ever did. I will reach an agreement then breach it. I will dig up every and I mean EVERY sleight you cast in my direction and use it against you. You will be staggered at my recall of such (imagined) events which I will list and detail. I will up my charm offensive over your lawyer (who clearly fancies me by the way – he or she) and also over the judge. I will pay lip service in court to orders and soft soap the judge who will be taken in by my façade of calm, pleasant reasonableness (seen this before perhaps?) and you will be the one churning with rage as another hearing is delayed or goes against you. My assets will be hidden. I will not make support payments. I will deny the existence of assets. I will hound you. I will harass you and if you involve the police I shall switch to my charming self again in an effort to paint you as the aggressor. I will strain every sinew and muster every brain cell to outflank you in the hope that you will give up or concede ground to what I want. Divorce me and you will understand the concept of TOTAL war.

14 thoughts on “I Vow To Thee

  1. Lori says:

    I am so relating to this as my narc said it would be till death and with him filing for divorce and trying to appear to want it over quickly he is dragging it out and I have very little of anything being locked out for months but i am maintaining the no contact and have gone as far as moving to another state. I was hurt in July and have not been able to hold a job since so I’m just existing at the moment.

    1. Ms brown says:

      Lori… I am in a similar situation. I struggle with constant anxiety and feel too, that I am just existing. I have adrenal failure and have just “shut down”… no motivation, no “light”. I only tell you this because you are not alone. I stay on this blog of HG’s and it is about all I am up for. I hope you stay too and “Sieze the Power”

  2. Sarah says:

    My Mid-Range said his ex knew loads of cool people who helped him get the job he wanted. When they split, he lost all those friends and the job. It’s so freeing to be able to read and relate. The thing is, you don’t always need rules and reasons to be with someone if you love them unconditionally. I never love with expectations of reciprocation. I think we are (as people) ‘who’ we love. You are who you love.

  3. Listful Dahlia says:

    @HG Your comment about people swallowing her lies made me laugh! Yeah I won’t. I haven’t for months, but I was curious today. Three years is a long time for a narc relationship. She was either VERY long suffering or the descent to abuse was so gradual that she didn’t know what was happening.

  4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

    Well thank god I didn’t marry my ex….

  5. Listful Dahlia says:

    I believe my narc will avoid taking action to go through the divorce that I have requested. I honestly think he wants to prevent me from moving on and to not have any other relationships for a long time. He doesn’t realise that I already have moved on in my heart, and when I’m ready, I’ll pursue a relationship with no reference to what he’s doing.

    H.G. why did you get married?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Fuel, bolstering the facade, increasing my prospects of advancement, acquisition of additional benefits.

      1. Listful Dahlia says:

        Hi HG. Thanks for answering.

        The prospects of advancement – is that about career? I understand the other things. How long did the marriage last? Were you able to convince everyone that the divorce was not a reflection on you?

        My husband has dedicated his whole facebook page to communicate his victimhood. I checked it today via private browser. It doesn’t hurt me anymore. It’s just stupid.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

          Yes career and also access to certain people. The marriage lasted three years. Yes I did so aside from a small number of people who swallowed her lies.

          It is good that you are not hurt by what you read but you need not keep checking on what he writes and posts.

  6. Karma says:

    Lies, lies and lies!!! Now post- escape I did everything to find the truth like a true empat. Now time to just see the N in the disaster he made for him self. I’ve waited for so long to see him crumble and loose everything. Only a few weeks away and karma is hitting hard.
    The promises, vows and lies are all coming together. Right about the same time I’m moving the authorities will close the deal.
    Revenge? Nope I didn’t have to do a single thing actually … he did it all to himself.
    NC in place for a while and the hoovers are bat crazy (now I understand what you all we’re complaining about.. when hoping for it). The funniest, stupid and craziest attempts to get my fuel back…. still waiting for the grand finale… I know it’s coming .. I can see him trying to building up for it.. the “trying to get me back” is approaching fast.

    Soon.. all the lies will be out in the open and he has failed.

    Me??? I’m doing so much better but have been to hell and back.

  7. 1jaded1 says:

    The other hand cuts off mid forearm in the picture. I can picture the fingers being crossed in a lie. Thank something in the universe that I did not ignore the Red Flag and marry him. He joked around and said we were “common law” due to the length of time we were together. No uh uh. I kept my bolthole (term courtesy of you). We weren’t legally bound. *shudders*.

  8. NarcAngel says:

    Well that can be read two ways: As a threat designed to resign yourself to defeat before you have begun and deter you from doing so, or a warning of what to expect and help you to better prepare.

    You should also read here on the blog: The Dirty Divorce and Fighting back-how to handle the Narcissist in court.

    A number of HGs books. All of the books are relevant to their behaviours but there are a number that will help you more specifically with this subject.

    A consultation. There is nothing like having a brilliant and self aware narcissist in your corner to guide and counsel you with regard to his own kind, and to explain how you must conduct yourself in order to be successful.

    HG has explained this from their perspective but he has also provided you with other information and tools to help you should find yourself in this situation.

    Wars are not always won by the biggest, most intimidating, or loudest side. In fact quiet determination can silence cannons in this case. They claim to always win but that depends on your definition of winning.

    One thing is certain. You must weaponize yourself and prepare for battle. This is the place to do so.

  9. strongerwendy says:

    All true when I divorced my ex narc husband. It was horrific.

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