All Alone

 

all-alone

Do you ever get that feeling that something isn’t right? What was that noise you heard just now? Was it in a dream or was it real? It sounded like an engine. A deep, throaty engine that you recognise and have heard many times. You sit up in bed and see that it is nearly three in the morning. You tilt your heard and listen, ears straining for that familiar, dread sound. You hear nothing. Perhaps the engine has been killed and that vehicle is sat outside now. Am I say in the pool of darkness cast by a fence, alert and watching your house. That knotted sensation is quick to take hold of your stomach as you slowly emerge from the bed. You move carefully feeling as if the rustle of the duvet or your bare feet on the floor will make a sound that I can hear. You know it is foolish for my hearing is not that sharp, but you are placed on tenterhooks and accordingly move in the same way. You make your way to the window where the curtains are drawn. You feel like flinging them back in one sudden motion hoping to make me jump. You see an image of my face pressed against the window, devilish leer prominent and unnerving. Carefully you move the curtain a fraction and peer through the gap. Your range of vision is limited and you cannot see everything but my vehicle does not appear to be there. Am I watching those curtains which I used to gently pull apart once upon a time? Or am I prowling about the outside of your house, looking for an open window or an unlocked door? You have held your breath, not daring to breathe, your drumming heart loud and roaring in your ears and you wonder if you mistook that sound for the one of my car engine but you know what you heard. Perhaps I had just driven past? How many times have you seen an anthracite black Mercedes from the corner of your eye as you have walked to the shops, headed to a bar or emerged from work? Your heart leaps every time you see one and your eyes dart to the registration plate to ascertain whether it is my car. Of course, I might have changed cars now. You do not know for sure. You want to drive past where I live and ascertain which vehicle I drive so that you can keep an eye out for it, but you fear that I may see you doing this and derive satisfaction from your appearance. Something does not feel right. You experience this sensation often these days. The hairs on your neck stand up as you feel that you are being watched. When you are about to emerge from your office building you stand behind the glass and chrome scanning the plaza outside for any sign that I am stood there. You think you have spotted me twice but then I departed, evidently alert to your perception. Once you walked leisurely from your place of work to the car park but now you scurry, hoping not to be spotted and hoping that your car has not been tampered with. Your eyes follow the same drill. They flash over the windows to ensure they have not been smashed. You look to the windscreen wiper to see if a hate-filled note lies tucked beneath one of the blades. There have been several although they are always printed so you were never able to demonstrate they were from me (you wouldn’t be able to anyway – I have them printed on a lieutenant’s PC not my own, I am no amateur). Your eyes look over the external bodywork for signs of scratches, dents and lights smashed before you check the exhaust and tyres. You never get in without ensuring nobody is lurking in the back seat and once in you lock the doors automatically and then allow yourself to breathe.

Something does not feel right. It is the same sensation as when you walk anywhere alone. Your steps are hurried, furtive glances cast over your shoulder, alleyways scrutinised, walking by the kerb, away from gates and hedges. You cross the road when a shadowy figure walks towards you. Often you have someone accompany you but it is not always possible. You pull the curtain aside a little so your range of vision is increased. You can see all to the left of your house but nothing appears to be amiss. You look to the road but you cannot see any vehicle but then again I might be parked around the corner and now stood in the shadow of a tree watching your pale face peering out. You look to your mobile ‘phone, always charged and ready and consider calling the police, but what would you tell them? You think you heard my car engine? They have been out once this week and although they are always polite you gain the impression that the officers are beginning to think that you are hearing and seeing things. You can tell. Their polite reassurances do not entirely mask the resigned tones with which they speak. Should you call the police? It might be sensible. Even if I am watching, the arrival of a patrol car should send me slinking away and what about if I am caught lurking outside at this time? That would be good. Then again, perhaps you should wait until you have some concrete evidence, until you see me and then you should call. You do not want the police labelling you a time waster, but something does not feel right.

You shift your position so you can look to the right and silently curse a kink in the curtain as it is obscuring your view. You will need to push it aside and this will surely alert me to your presence. With trembling hand, you move the curtain and then crane forward so you can look over the garden. With experienced ease you let your eyes drift over the garden, the wall and the fence, looking for shapes that do not belong. Your eyes stop on something in the corner of the garden, where the wall and fence meet, a pool of shadow. Is there a figure there? You stare, eyes adjusting to the darkness and wait. You feel light-headed as you stare trying to see if that inky shape is me or just the imagination that these days seems to be out of control. No, you cannot see anybody. Your eyes scan the garden again from your lofty vantage point but you see nothing. What if I am underneath the window, tight against the front door and hidden from view? What if I have gone around the rear of the house? You did lock the side gate didn’t you? You cannot remember. You think you did but you have so many repeated checks before retiring at night that it has become something of a blur. All gates need to be checked, windows closed and locked with keys removed – even during summer you endure the heat rather than keep your windows open. Door handles are tested twice and twice more. French doors pulled and pushed to ensure they are secure. It is a nightly ritual but a necessary one. A friend suggested a dog but who would look after him whilst you were at work. You once felt safe here, especially when I lived here with you, but no longer and moving, in the current market is not an option. Maybe a lodger would be answer? The money would be welcome and so would the company, but this is your home and you resent being forced into these steps by my lingering presence.

Every day when you return from work you sweep the house making sure there has been no entry during the day. You look for anything that has been moved or is out of place which denotes whether a listening device or camera might have been placed in your living room or bedroom. You were pleased you changed the locks straight away when everything went wrong. You ought to have the place professionally swept. You used to wander about the house naked but no longer, you even feel uncomfortable standing in the shower, nervously glancing upwards looking for the winking red light denoting that a camera has been placed on a shelf and you are being watched. Nowhere feels safe from me now. Your sleep is fractured and this had led to you struggling to gauge whether your fears are real or imagined. There are too many withheld calls still, the empty texts from unknown numbers and strange voicemails left at work. You know I am still out there somewhere and you have no idea what I might do.

You can see nobody outside and consider whether you ought to check the rear but you really need to sleep. You lower yourself and sit on the edge of the bed, listening for something, anything. You are met by just the blanketing silence. No throbbing engine, no footsteps on the drive outside, no creeping advance up the stairs, no shattered glass, no jemmied door. You continue to look outside but nothing is moving. Maybe it was a dream? No, you definitely heard that distinctive growl of the engine but maybe it was further away or someone else with the same vehicle. That is possible isn’t it? Your breathing slows and you begin to convince yourself that it was another false alarm. Still, you have that feeling that something doesn’t feel right. You feel as if I have been near. Your eyes shoot to the wardrobe, mind suddenly filled with the thought that I am inside it, peering through the slats and amusing myself at your fearful expression. You try to shake the thought but you cannot. A sudden ball of anger forms inside of you and with a cry you jump up and fling the wardrobe doors open and drive your hands into the clothing inside, you push and pull but find only dresses and tops, suits and jumpers carefully hung up. I am not there. You close the doors and run back into bed, jumping into it, like a frightened child who has to run from door to bed so the monsters under the bed do not grab her ankles. Once in that bed, you are in a cocoon of safety. You pull the duvet over your head and lie there, curled up tight in a ball, cursing me and breathing hard.

Eventually you emerge, face warm from breathing under the duvet and you are grateful for the cold air of your room. You lie back and allow yourself to gradually uncoil, ears still listening out for a sound but there comes none. You glance at the clock and see it is now 3-15 am and you really ought to sleep. You roll on to your side and adjust the pillow, praying that slumber visits you soon. If only that feeling that something is not right would leave you.

Morning arrives and you emerge from bed bleary eyed but thankful that you have at least slept. You attend to your usual routine in the bathroom before dressing and heading down the stairs ready to prepare some breakfast. As you descend the stairs you halt as you see something is lying on the mat underneath the letterbox in the front door. It is square and plastic. It is only 7am and the post man has not yet been although you did not hear anybody put anything through the letter box. You slowly pace down the stairs as that sensation of something being wrong engulfs you. You see it is a CD case that has been deposited. That is not right. Nobody has borrowed any of your CDs. Something is definitely not right. With churning stomach and laboured breath, hammering heart and rising nausea you pick up the CD and turn it over to read the cover.

The Police: Every Breath You Take

That was one of your favourite songs wasn’t it?

Until I told you what the lyrics really meant.

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51 thoughts on “All Alone”

  1. I live in the middle of a pecan orchard with NO NEIGHBORS. I hear horns ride by and blow from before they get to me until after they pass. I feel like I’m watched. I feel it so strong sometimes. I do have three Staffordshire terriers that would eat someone up….but are we crazy? Is anyone there? Do they watch us? This one thing could help me so much. How far will you go HG? How far will a mid range narcissist go? This hurdle is so important to me. Getting over this one thing.

    1. I would need more information about your specific situation to provide you with meaningful answers and therefore a consultation is the appropriate method.

      1. I have purchased and read 4 ebooks. I am not ignoring your statement about consultation. You advised me the same once before about another situation. I will consult with you at some point. I had to back away from the posts to a degree. I have to remember WHO you are , what you do, and why you do it sometimes HG. I’ll be very interested to hear your answers. I’m sure you will have the info I need.

        Best Regards.

        J

      2. Thank you for reading. No matter, it is your choice to make, you know the answers are there.

  2. Sweet Jesus HG! I have this huge knot in my stomach after reading this. Since he has his new playmate I don’t have to worry about any of this right now do I?

      1. Does this mean there will be no Hoover from him anytime soon because of her?

  3. Dear Mr Tudor,
    The narcissist friend I know, has changed his car four times, since I’ve known him, almost every 12-18 months. He has stalked me many times, sometimes he’d text and tell me he was driving past my house (weird) … other times, out of nowhere, there he was, right next to me at the shops, scared the bejeezus out of me. He told me he’d often go for a drive very late at night, said he had trouble sleeping. I’m forever on the look out ! He lives close by!
    Thank you for your most informative, indepth, riveting article.
    Kind regards

  4. I take back any sense of compassion I had in previous articles. I think it’s time I stop making comment of any kind.
    Thank you for your articles…I will take what works & leave the rest. I pity anyone who knows you on a personal level.

  5. My ex used to know where I had been although I hadn’t told him where I had been…creepy! Until I realised he had a GPS tracking me..I had changed all my devices: my iPhone,my tablet and checked my car. He had as well installed a “special” program at my computer. I had to change that as well.
    The most calculating schools ( Greaters?) are very good at technical procedures…scary..very scary!!
    He used as well to check every time he came home that the pillows on the bed were at EXACT the same position he left them AND he used to smell them when he got home..to check if someone else had been there….as scary as many,many other things.
    With time I experienced the same paranoia he did…It is really insane!!

  6. Letterbox…this must be a historic home. Ive never been stalked fortuneatly. I really feel for the victims that have to deal with this form of abuse. Always on edge and never feeling safe. Having to make changes like moving or having someone with you most of the time.
    I imagine this to be someone whose escaped or is resisting hoovers bc if the narc discarded and moved on i doubt theyd bother to instill fear and stalk. This seems more a narc thats obsessed and has been discarded or rejected in some way.
    Very spooky!

  7. Waking to the feeling of someone just outside my bedroom window, biting my tongue and tasting blood reminds me to stay silent god knows I have plenty to say. Deep breath and repeating this to shall end.
    I just can’t shake the feeling I am being watch.

  8. Extremely insidious. Prevention is of paramount importance.

    Stay well away from the superficial charmers, examine someone’s role with family and friends, scan for possible lieutenants, equip your car and home with security technology, learn to defend yourself (Krav Maga etc.).

  9. Interesting timing on this post…had never considered stalking. My ex just recently messaged me that he comes to my house when I am at work…enters my backyard and checks on the positions of the chairs on my patio to see if I had someone over.

    Still shows up at my front door eerily about 10 minutes after I get home from a night out when don’t have my little ones…says was pulled here…swears not watching my house…truth is??

    1. Hello Christine!
      I find your comment very interesting. It reminds me a lot of the behaviour my ex had to check if someone else had been at home when he was away. I am curious: did he actually send you a message telling you that he did it? Entering your backyard? I wonder if you answered him or did you just ignore it ?( which I hope you did).

      1. Still blows my mind how similar our experiences can be. I had him blocked. He told me in person when caught me on my porch. I think maybe I was supposed to feel flattered??

        I need to learn to not open the door. Goes against my very being.

      2. Hello Christine!
        Yes, I agree with you. My ex used to place certain things home before leaving to check when he got hime if they were on the same position… Similar ways of doing. Is he still stalking you? How long have you been No Contact? Did you escape him? I escaped mine and that was one of the best decisions I have made on my life..

  10. That song is awful. My mom watched soap AMC and they used that song with someone who was being stalked. Gross.

    That said…the sound of his truck passing is unsettling. I love the night, so random noises generally do not bother me. I had a night job once. If every night noise made me rattle, I would have been fired. No way that was gonna happen.

  11. Shaking my head and smiling in regards the greater who entered my life twice…I was only entwined romantically with the lesser and thought I knew everything I needed to avoid all Narcs.

    I really didn’t. The greater kicked ass 🙁

  12. Fear, lack of sleep… Stalking makes one paranoid…
    Peace of mind becomes priceless after entanglement with one of your kind.

    Cameras and motion sensor lights bring both awareness of if you are indeed being stalked and proof. Whatever you have to do to regain control on your own safety.

    In my case I made sure he has no clue where I vanished to. What other measures I took are my business but there are ways to have a restful night sleep and peace of mind.

    After all fear is just more fuel for the narc and debilitating handicap for the target. Fear vanishes once you have a safety plan.

  13. Why would a greater/ an elite, need to seek such fear…surely that’s just the inadequaciea of the lesser??

    1. Not at all. Fear is a method of manipulation. The Lesser causes it through unsophisticated blunt instruments methods, the Greater does so in a far more unsettling, insidious and disturbing manner.

      1. Yes that makes sense! As I was reading, I wondered why my ex narcs never scared the bejesus out of me. It was because they were mostly lazy passive aggressive mids.

  14. Oh, not the aubergine Jaguar, E-type, this time?

    You really capture how it feels on this end of being watched. Right down to the shadows and the jump into bed as fast as possible. It gives me a knot in my stomach thinking about it. I still scan parking lots, stores, and work. Its habit now. After having 3 past stalkers, this is my life. You are correct, fear is immensely powerful. It is the fact that you can know our experience of it so well, our responses…..that scares me more.

    Side note, my tires have been repetitively deflated over the past couple of months. Not completely, just enough to notice a little mushiness on the pavement (I have to park on the street). I am trying not to make much of it, but I am on guard. And…filling my tires with air all the time.

    1. Oh Indy… I’m so hoping you have a slow puncture in your tyre!
      I hate the hyper vigilance and like you it’s more a habit than anything now.
      I agree with how scarey HG’s accuracy is. I suggested to him that he could make a fortune by advertising himself as clairvoyant because of how well he reads people/situations.
      Step this way for the amazing Madame HG…. 😉
      I hope this article hasn’t triggered you too much and I hope your car gets sorted.

      1. Hi KCN,
        Thank you. I am hoping that too. Yes, hyper vigilance is ingrained in me.
        No worries about triggers, I am cool with triggers. I am ok. Thank you for your kind wishes. 🙂
        Hope your summer is going well for ya!

      2. Hi Indy, my summer is going great thank you. I’ve been doing my domestic abuse advisor training and have quite a few cases where I act as a ‘friend’ (I don’t deal with the initial crisis but clients are referred to me after the situation is stabilized) I’m also going to be giving talks about healthy relationships to small groups and soon I am to shadow the DVA and then eventually get my own one on one case load. I’m very excited! Life is good.
        How is your summer?

      3. Hi KCN,
        That sounds like great work you are doing!! Hat is off to you! When I was leaving my first boyfriend (I was still a teen, 19) I was helped by a domestic abuse counselor. They I volunteered on the hotline for two years to give it back as I felt I owed them my life. I felt so alone in the world and having a friend like you are training to be would have helped so much. I did go to a group once a week. I am excited for you! It is what led me to go to college to major in psych. That experience. The changes you make in another person’s life, you may never know. And, you are making that difference!!

        My summer is slow and drama free personally. I love that!!! Raining a lot. I am spending a lot of time with my son and grandson. Planning a trip out to the ocean at some point. Maybe a road trip to New Orleans. Not sure. I play things by ear these days. Less stressful.

    2. Indy I keep one of those tire air compressors that runs off your cars DC electric outlet in the back of my vehicles. Gives me a feeling of greater security since I’m usually out in the middle of nowhere. Hope you’ve just got slow leaks, but as they say, eternal vigilance is the price of freedom.

      1. Hi Windstorm,
        Good idea. I will one one this weekend. I am probably just being overly watchful. I hope your summer is going well for you!
        Indy

      2. Going great, Indy! I’m currently in KS at my daughters. Today’s her bday. Yesterday was her now 5 yr olds bday and in a little over a week her younger son will turn 3. Her one yr old daughter is a hoot and of course, she’s having another girl next month. Plenty of excitement here!!!
        I enjoy imagining how stressed out and ill at ease all the narcs I know would be if they were here in all this loud, boisterous, fuel-free little kid chaos!!
        Good luck with your tires!

      3. Hi Windstorm!
        Oh yes, you have a granddaughter on the way!! I love that age range, 2-6! My grandson is 5 and he is my light and joy. He is getting more comfortable in the water finally! I suppose caution is good though!
        How is the KS weather for you? Thank you for your wishes about my tires. 🙂

  15. A black Anthracite Mercedes, huh? Cushty.

    I did drive past your house to see if you’d changed cars. I saw a Robin Reliant, yellow, with T.I.T written on the side. Was it your new IPPS’s? You 100% carat gold plonker, Rodney. This time next year, we’ll be back in the golden period.

  16. My license plate was pulled 1/2 way off its mount recently…i figured that might be him as well….there is no other reasonable explanation for it…

  17. Jesus HG..you nailed it..as usual. I have visions of him being in the bathroom doorway as I open the shower curtain…i look over my shoulder when I bike home from the gym, or anywhere for that matter. If I run upstairs to my neighbors and leave the door unlocked, I scan the rooms when I return…i feel his eyes on me in the gym that i fought so hard to remain in..I know Bethany has had similar feelings/experiences. We are all due back un court 6/27. I will send you an update of course. It will never end…

  18. Yes this resonates. A bit too close for comfort actually. Right down to the CD with that same damn song. Chilling really.

  19. For 3 months I slept with a knife under my mattress. For 4 months I couldn’t sleep as I had to go keep checking out of the window. All night. Once I saw him driving in my home town. I went home, locked the doors and sat looking out of my kitchen window for almost 3 hours straight. Just waiting for him. The panic attack that accompanied that lasted the entire time. For 6 months the sound of my phone triggered a panic attack. For 7 months I couldn’t go out on my own. I’m in the 8th month now. I can go out on my own now. Not every time but mostly. I can read experiences of others and it doesn’t trigger me. I can read hard going articles and although they are triggers I feel anxiety but no panic. No one tells you that escape doesn’t mean instant freedom. It takes work and it’s so hard but the light is there ☺
    Stay strong everyone.

    1. Wow, Karen! That sounds horrible! I’ve sure never had to be in fear like that. It’s a gun culture here and most of us have concealed carry permits. I’ve often said thanks that I don’t have to worry about always carrying a loaded one with me. I know a lot of people do. That level of fear and vigilance is a very heavy burden and warps your thinking. I sure hope you don’t have to worry about that anymore! Sending you strength and solidarity!

  20. Creepy stalker. Do you actually do this HG? Why dont you just contact her instead of creeping her out?

  21. I still sleep in high alert mode, waiting to hear the door crash open and all the lights go on….

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