“You don’t want to end up like him do you now?”
Years later those words still echo through my mind. They act as some cruel guardian which ensures that I will never stumble, never flounder and never fall victim to the injustices which this world has in store for me. I was shown what happens to those who are weak, those who fail to seize control and grasp the power for themselves. The consequences of failure were paraded before me on an almost daily basis to allow me to witness the full horror of what it was to be sub-standard, below par and just not good enough.
I knew that this fate must not befall me and that it became necessary for me to clamber higher than everybody else no matter what it took or what the cost was. So long as there was somebody underneath me on that ladder as I climbed, then, as the saying goes, the devil would take the hindmost.
Onwards and upwards, climbing higher and higher to escape the consequences of vulnerability, weakness and failure. I was given a swift induction into learning how to stay ahead and protect myself. There were two routes available to ensure that you stayed number one and the best. Strive to stay ahead of the opposition and by the opposition I was taught that this means everybody else and furthermore bring the opposition down so that they become subsumed into the quagmire of failure.
If your opponent is taller, chop him off at the knees. If he is better looking, fling acid in his face. If he is smarter, batter his brains out. If he is stronger, poison him into weakness. If he is wealthier, sap him of penny and cent. If he lives in a pleasant place, pollute the neighbourhood. If he has a good job, get him sacked. Figuratively speaking some of the time of course and that means to do all of those things, that it is necessary to play the scapegoat card. Become proficient at pointing the finger elsewhere, cultivate persuasiveness so that the allocation of blame falls on the shoulders of another, practise plausible deniability so the mantle of fault never rests on my head. Never be the one at fault. Ever. Those were my instructions.
The indoctrination continued. You are not to blame, you are not guilty, you are not the problem, you did not cause the problem either. Erase sorry from your vocabulary as you do not feel it, remove the idea of apologising as you have nothing to apologise for, do not express anything which might be regarded as guilt as that is an alien concept.
There is always somebody else who can be blamed. It does not take long for the repeated mantra of it never being my fault to engender that sense of impregnability and a lack of accountability. Since it is the fault of everyone else it is impeccable logic is it not that it can never be my fault? It therefore follows that if it is never my fault then such a fault-free individual is truly superior and stands above all others.
To facilitate this it therefore becomes necessary to identify a scapegoat or more accurately scapegoats. The role of scapegoat slots seamlessly into our thinking. Fault is an intangible concept but it exists. Someone is always to blame. I was taught that from the beginning. Things do not just happen, they happen for a reason and the reason that she was always crying, that he was always failing, that they were socially ostracised, that she could not pass her exam, that he never scored a goal, that they never went on holiday, that he could not hold down a job, that she was a single mother, that he had a drink problem, that she was ugly, that he lived in a poor area, that she was never invited out, that he died alone, that she was beaten, that he was arrested, that she was raped, that he was murdered was because they were scapegoats.
Make others the scapegoat and immunity from fault and blame follows and thus one can move without hindrance, barrier or boundary. Make him or her a scapegoat because if you do not get in first they will do it to you. Make sure you blame them before they can turn that accusing eye in your direction. Stay one, no ten, steps ahead. They deserve to be blamed. If they had any value they would not be stigmatised in such a fashion, it is their own fault.
I learnt that they may come with smiles but the blade of blame is held behind their back ready to strike, so plunge your dagger of fault deep into them first. Do not be taken in by the false proclamations of love and compassion, they are but veils to place across my eyes so a crown of accountability can be thrust on my head.
Soon, the lessons that I learned began to automatically teach me. Not feeling enough attention at a party? The guests are ignorant and impolite. Tell one that this is a case and see how the attention shifts. Served slowly at the bar? The bar man is incompetent and he should be reminded of this fact. See how he has responded now? Report not completed on time? Find a junior colleague and point out how he has failed to provide the necessary information. Criticised for not earning enough? Blame the bosses for running the company into the ground and failing to reward an achiever such as I. Feeling restless and unloved? Lash out at her so she seeks to make amends. Stuck in a traffic jam? Blame the department of transport for the ill-thought out road works. Struggling to sleep? Must be those damned neighbours and their late-night music, go and give them a piece of your mind and see how much better you feel when you point out they are at fault.
But what if it is not those things and it is because I am not interesting enough to talk to, or not attractive enough to catch the server’s eye, or not good enough at my job, or not hitting the targets because I cannot apply the required effort, or because I do not show her any affection any longer, or because I set off late from the house, or because I fell asleep this afternoon?
Never. That is what they want you to think. That is the control that they seek to exert over you. That is how they get inside your mind and try to make you think that you are weak, when you are not. Remember, they want you to be the scapegoat. They want you to be the failure, they want you to be the subject of their blaming, so you take the rap, take the hit and become the patsy. Yes, you are right, I remember now.
The diktat still resonates even now, reminding and emphasising. That is not your role. You are better than all of them. You will rise above them and to do that you must work hard at everything and ensure that they are the ones who are to blame, because they are. They are the ones who are trying to stop you achieving and claiming what is rightfully yours. They are the traitors, the insidious foes, the treacherous betrayers who spout sedition and practise disloyalty. Let them know who they are, scapegoat them.
Thus this carries into everything that we do. We find a scapegoat in every aspect of our lives. The put-upon sibling, the browbeaten colleague, the lambasted neighbour, the oddball in the local superstore, the subjugated underling, the butt of the social circle and most of all you, the intimate partner who becomes the ultimate scapegoat.
It is you that becomes the receptacle for our domineering, hectoring, nagging, bullying, blaming, intimidating, coercing, blaming, accusing, menacing, terrorising, bludgeoning and oppressive persecutions. You burnt dinner, you made the white shirt turn pink, you forgot to get that present that we wanted, you failed to satisfy our sexual appetite, you made us be unfaithful, you made us break that mirror, you made us slap you, you made us ill, you made our team lose, you cost us that promotion, you woke us too early, you woke us too late, you let us fall asleep, you kept us awake, you didn’t do it, you did it. Again.
This conditioning ensured that the only way to stay ahead, to win and to succeed was to find someone else to blame and that does not change because we know you are just waiting to try to blame us, well we know your game. We have you in our eyes and it is you who is to blame, not us.
The only way to prevent the hell of being a scapegoat is to make others a scapegoat instead.
And so I do as I do, I say as I say and I am what I am so that I do not end up like him, like her, like them, like you.
Can you really blame me for doing that?
26 thoughts on “Scapegoat”
The one person in our family, she married in, who saw through the scapegoating died last weekend. She stood up for me from the beginning – 20 years. I feel so alone right now. I will regain my footing, but I choose to be sad and angry right now.
H.G., why can’t they see its wrong and get help from therapy to stop this immature behavior? Why won’t they change? My soon to be ex still bashes his head when raging at me even tho his aneurysm is getting larger. He says I’m killing him. Is blaming me for his suicide his ultimate jab?
It is because of the way they are configured which means there is an automatic self defence mechanism so they just cannot see that what they are doing is wrong. They will not change because they are incapable (Lesser or Mid-Range) of seeing any need for change and with a Greater because we can understand why you might what us to change, but we see no reason to do so because we are effective at what we do and revel in it.
Wow HG, this is a great article, so true. This is exactly him.
I was thinking yesterday of how he would say to me the following.
You need to get out more, find some friends, you live online…or…
Some people have to work, unlike you, you need to get a job….
My work is computer based, I have to be online to do my job, so he berated me for being online (while working), and told me I needed to get out more…but berated me for not working (when I did actually go out and do stuff, like run…and told me that ‘some people don’t have time for exercise, I have to work’.
Um, which one was it? And who totally invalidates a person’s job?
It’s interesting to read you saying that they have to cast it onto others. I’ve always suspected he’s projecting his own issues onto me.
They’re definitely projecting. Mine did the same. Constantly told me I need to be more social when in truth, I have several good friends, some that have been around for decades. I’m just not one who enjoys shallow acquaintance type of stuff. I also turned 40 this years so going out every Friday and Saturday night isn’t appealing to me anymore. I know HE wants to be more social. He has no friends. None at all. All he has (and I only became aware of this after escape) are his Tinder women, the ones I talked to aren’t even in touch with him anymore.
In general, he constantly berated me about things. Nothing was ever good enough. I like to read a lot, read a ton of books, articles and whatnot. He told me “you should write a book” or “you read too fast” or “you should get an e-reader” (because he thinks I buy too many books, with my own money). It’s not good enough that I enjoy reading, no, I should write the books myself. I like animals, I’ve been a vegetarian since I’m about 15 and I speak out for animal rights. He told me “you should go to a shelter”. I like to walk, a lot. He told me “you walk too much”. I could come up with more because pretty much anything I ever did could have been done better, or differently.
In most male social circles there is a narcissist or two. They quickly zero in on the guy who is unsure of himself and start scapegoating.
Then the normals of the group join in because they dont want to be scapegoated.
So in the workplace and most social groups you are correct.
I dont think a relationship needs to be like this?
Hi HG and fellow Scapegoats, I could not resist this topic since I was the Scapegoat in my family. As a Supernova Empath, the Narc’s have no superiority over me. This Scapegoat walked away mentally. Here’s the point, my Narc Family members were my best teachers. To other Scapegoats learning from them is a process. They have no power over you because they are disconnected from themselves and they are disconnected from their heart ❤️ They live in their head which is only half the equation of self. As a result, of living in their head 24/7 they are ruled by fear and negativity of the Superego which is extremely harsh. That ‘s why they use a tool called blame. They have to dispel the negative parts of themselves that they don’t acknowledge. This viscous cycle of blame or winning can never work, it is fleeting, a momentary fix that they can never change. The blame game and so called lack of accountability is what keeps them stuck like a child 👶 and predictable. My advice to Fellow Scapegoats is keep learning, ask yourself what is my lesson in this sometimes traumatic situation presented to me. Sending my Fellow Scapegoats much Love and Light .
I really like what you wrote. It seems-very much so-that they are stuck in an endless loop. No wonder they need fuel. They have to keep going and going. Our hearts are like fuel pumps and we don’t have to play the game. Love and light to you, too.
K thanks so much for your support, glad to see that you get it. Love and Light to you.
Oh never .. 🙁 I am codependent aren’t I..
Woooooow!! HG 🙁 You’re so articulate first and foremost, I love to read your posts.. This makes so much sense, I can empathise (big surprise I know ha!!) Honestly I felt a little jealous in parts, is that twisted. I blame myself for EVERYTHING!! I can’t stand to hurt anyone so I’ll go above and beyond & take the world on my shoulders and STILL give myself a hard time for what I didn’t do. Ugh.. 🙁
I see we reacted in a polar opposite ways to our childhoods, you fight the good fight outwardly and I took mine inward, I don’t hurt others, I can’t bear to, I destroy myself.. Amazing post as always dear… 🌹
Thank you Some One.
I couldn’t resist!
Mr. Tudor (Green) in the kitchen with a knife.
“I learnt that they may come with smiles but the blade of blame is held behind their back ready to strike, so plunge your dagger of fault deep into them first”
Sociopathy is not a choice for those that become one, it is a survival mechanism.-Athena Walker
Climbed that ladder? Sorry typo!! Xxx
HG, does your mother take full credit for all of your success? Is she not the one who drilled all of this into your mind? Did she not realize that someday she would be the one underneath you as you clumb d that ladder?
No because of her innate sense of superiority and entitlement.
Difficult to answer that last question.
…you made us call you names, you made us throw the flowers to trash, you made us furious, you made us spoil your birthday, you made us sleep on the couch, you made us keep secrets, you made our family hate you, you made your friends abandon you, you failed to fulfill our sexual desires, you are top sleepy when we don’t want you to sleep, you’re sick when we want you full of energy, you’re too needy when we want you to be quiet. You need a caretaker, not a real man.
Crikey, I don’t know where to begin with this… It’s blown my mind. This helps me to get inside Narcy’s mind set. I was thinking back to when I saw him with his ailing mother and recalling the snippets of childhood info Narcy mentioned. Thanks to this dark insight I can ‘see’ why narcy blamed everyone but himself; that anxiety and desperate need to be ahead of the game.
I wish I could send this to Narcy, let him know that I ‘get it’ and expose him to the reality of his fake construct.
“If they had any value they would not be stigmatised in such a fashion, it is their own fault.”
This is what my dysfunctional family used to say about me and also about others who had been singled out for victimization.
yes.. we can blame you for it… or i guess the blame in your case falls on matrinarc… but blaming others is a choice…
I am sorry that she put this much expectation on you at such a young age…
life is not a competition, it is against yourself you should strive to be better then yesterday, not against other people…
No. Right now I don’t blame you for that truthfully. I almost want to trade places. Blame, guilt, empathy…they’re heavy burdens to carry. The weight of mine can unbearable at times.
HG as you continue learning and understanding, what does that do for you? How does it affect you positively and what do you gain?
I enjoy the humility that has been instilled into me since the humiliation of my fall into utter disgrace. It changed me for the better.
“You are not to blame, you are not guilty, you are not the problem, you did not cause the problem either.”
Its too bad you did not hear this with regard to how you were made to feel as a child.
HG, did you feel like the scapegoat as a child?