Angels With Dirty Faces

ANGELSWITHDIRTY FACES

You are surrounded by Angels with Dirty Faces, albeit you are unable to see that encrusted filth that cakes them. You are oblivious to the touch which taints and the soiled footprints which beat a path back and forth to you. These individuals are the patient friend who listens to your tale of woe, the kindly physician with the twinkling eyes who resides at Bedside Manor, the soothing carer who chats to the elderly and infirm, the diligent charity worker and the host of the site which professes to guide you, the victim, out of the maze of narcissistic abuse.

The Angel with a Dirty face is an individual who is utterly convinced of their inherent goodness and moreover they have an unquenchable desire for the world to know that they are a good person, that they care, that they understand.

This facade of virtue and integrity is fundamental. It is how they truly believe that they are because this is what the world must know about them. It is not the quiet application of the nursery worker who looks upon those in her charge and smiles inwardly at a job being done well. It is not the sheepish looks of the diligent nurse when he is praised by grateful relatives. It is not the patient smile and humble response of the therapist who is hand-holding their distraught charge through their third meltdown of the year. The Angel with a Dirty Face has a towering conviction that they are good and you had better believe it because if you do not, well, then that makes you a bad person.

The Angel with a Dirty Face is not the Lesser of our kind. No. He does not have the capacity to emulate empathy. He does not care and is not even configured to even be able to try to look as if he cares. He is too rudimentary and brutal, too caught up in attempting to satiate his own needs to bother looking outside of his own bubble. He does not understand what it is to care and nor is he capable of doing so. It is not the Greater of our kind. True enough the masterful Greater Narcissist will easily be able to mimic those expressions and words of concern and is not beyond their occasional use purely for the purposes of driving his agenda, but be known for this faked empathy? No, that disgusts the Greater. He does not wish to be seen as caring, that is for others to do, his greatness comes from delivering – whether it is profit, great works of art, sensational film and literature, glorious rhetoric on the podium, lung-busting athletic records, mesmeric dance, intoxicating sexual congress and so forth. The Greater wishes to be known for pioneering achievement, the caring and the cuddling is beneath them.

The Angel with a Dirty Face is very much the preserve of the Mid Range Narcissist. He or she truly believes that he or she is a good person. They want you to know it too and you must accept it, well, because it is true. They think that they care about other people, they think that they do good work but they must be acknowledged for it and this must occur repeatedly. They want the recognition. They want you to tell them how good they are, that they are helping people, that they see you understand that they are honest and decent. Of course all of those responses are the fuel that they instinctively crave although  they are unable to recognise that. They see nothing wrong with being identified, highlighted and rewarded for their sterling work, after all, doesn’t that just tell more people about the good that they are doing?

There are those of the Mid Range school who are obsessed with such a portrayal. It matters to them that are seen as that local community pillar, the teacher whose pastoral care is second to none and the organiser of charity bakes and cancer research sales within the office. Where there’s a good cause, there’s a good chance you will find an Angel with a Dirty Face.

These individuals are everywhere and difficult to spot because of course they believe what they show the world. The Greater knows the charismatic front he advances which masks the seething malevolence and smiles that cold, reptilian smile as he sees yet more sleepwalking into his grasp. The Angel with a Dirty Face does not have that awareness. He or she has sufficient cognitive function to create the appearance of goodness, to appear to care, to put into effect what they believe themselves to be and in so doing this enables them to blend with considerable ease amongst all of you. The trusting nature of people, both normal and empathic alike means that they will see no reason to doubt the apparent caring credentials of these people. What you see is what you get, right? Seeing is believing, yes? This person is caring, helpful and good so they must surely be that way, after all, who on earth would ever put on one front and behave in a different way? Yet as you have come to recognise, not only is it our kind who do this, the depth of the front varying dependent on the school of narcissist, but its frequency is far greater than people realise.

So, how do you find the filth beneath the purity? How do you ascertain whether that person truly does feel that emotional empathy, is good of heart and mind and it is not just part of a facade? There are two detergents which remove the masking facade and expose the dirt that lurks underneath.

The first concerns recognition. As I mentioned above, the Angel with a Dirty Face must have recognition. Watch what happens if you fail to acknowledge that person’s contribution or if you accord it to somebody else. An empathic individual may be hurt that their efforts have gone unrecognised but they will largely keep it to themselves, not wishing to be seen as churlish or attention-seeking. They may leave it to another to correct the error but they will certainly not make a song and dance about being overlooked. Unsung hero is a medal they are more than content to wear. Someone normal might be irked and may speak up but they will not react to the failure to accord to them sufficient acknowledgement for what they have done.

Yet the Mid-Ranger who is the Angel with a Dirty Face who is not given recognition will be unable to contain the effects of this wounding. The failure to praise them, credit them for their endeavours, acknowledge what a kind and wonderful person they are results in them being wounded and this will manifest through the ignition of fury. Being Mid Range, the failure to recognise brings forth mainly cold fury. Accordingly, watch out for:-

  1. Complaining to other people as part of a protracted Pity Play – “I cannot believe that Mary forgot to thank me for my funding efforts, I mean, she knows I do this every year and all I wanted was her to say thank you. that’s not too much to ask is it? I didn’t notice her bothering her backside to help out.”
  2. Sulking at the event
  3. Giving a silent treatment to the person who has transgressed
  4. Passing passive aggressive comments either on social media or in person.
  5. Cajoling third parties to remind someone to recognise what they have been doing
  6. Refusing to offer further assistance until they receive an apology for the ‘oversight’
  7. Belittling the efforts of others in the same sphere
  8. Threatening to join a rival organisation

The nature of caring, empathising and demonstrating this goodness is, as I have witnessed, meant to be an understated endeavour, a vocation where the act itself is its own reward which requires no standing ovation or repeated praise and lavish thanks. Recognition is not required. If it is provided, the empathic individual or normal person will graciously accept it, but it is not a concern if it is not provided. Selfless individuals do not seek this recognition, but the Angel with a Dirty Face must have it and if they do not, you will know the reactions along the lines of those above and the dirt begins to show.

The second method of exposure is that of challenge. An empathic person recognises that people have views and opinions, that it matters that they should be able to articulate them and that they are not invalidated. I have learned much about this approach in my interactions with others and I am intrigued by their capacity to allow this. They will allow others to state their case, they will advance their own but recognise that the two can exist side by side. It is genuine tolerance, not done for show or for kudos but borne out of the empathic decency of allowing the voices of others. Not so the Angel with a Dirty Face. If you challenge their methodology of how they dispense their apparent care, if you disagree with their views, if you suggest there is a better way, you will then see the angelic coating recede and the dirt beneath come very much to the fore.

When challenged in this way, the Angel with a Dirty Face feels their superiority attacked and therefore since they are a Mid Range Narcissist in disguise, this attack on their perceived superiority ignites their fury and the attack must be repelled. You should watch for the following:-

  1. Being smeared and bad-mouthed to third parties for your audacious criticism of the Angel with a Dirty face “after all they have done” and “just because they are jealous of what I do” and “all I am trying to do is help people and this is how I am treated.”
  2. Directing Lieutenants and the Coterie to attack the transgressor. This is especially evident in an online environment where people will “jump in” on the accused and land blows on behalf of the Mid Ranger, after all, he or she most prefers others to be doing the dirty work.
  3. Invalidating the view of the transgressor and doing so without reference to any substantive point but saying they are wrong, because they are wrong.
  4. Going on the attack directly against the perceived transgressor.
  5. Acting hurt and crestfallen.
  6. Rolling out Pity Plays
  7. Accusing the transgressor through projection, most notable labelling them as  a narcissist.
  8. Isolating the perceived transgressor through familial or social ostracisation, removal from social media, removal from committees or employment.

The Angel with a Dirty Face is a dangerous individual because their facade enables them to inveigle themselves into positions of relative authority and from there when their endeavours are not recognised and/or others politely question or challenge their way of doing things, rather than listen and apply, they will allow the dirt to emerge and use it to smear and pollute the innocent and those who are genuine in their intentions. This dirt muddies the water to such an extent and so convincing are the performances of the Mid Ranger in these scenarios that those who have done wrong end up being made to be the scapegoat, they are pilloried and driven out. Of course, achieving such an outcome only reinforces the Angel with a Dirty Face’s notion that he or she is absolutely right and that what they did was justified.

You will know these Angels with Dirty Faces. Time to do some cleaning of your own.

 

Advertisements

69 thoughts on “Angels With Dirty Faces”

  1. THOSE people are narcissists? I mean, annoying and condescending, sure, but I still never would have guessed.

    That said, lazy person that I am, I always found it well worth it to remember to sing their praises and do things their way in exchange for their energy and dedication in planning, organizing, and really doing the lion’s share of the work. And of course doing any and all speeches and trophy-accepting. 😀 (In person, I’m quiet and kind of shy. So they’re unknowingly doing me a massive favor.)

    Don’t get me wrong, their attitude can start to grate within a matter of hours, and I’d imagine it would be absolute hell being married to one. But they do actual good-it personally doesn’t matter one single iota to me whether they’re actually doing it for fuel. And I doubt it matters one way or the other to the people benefiting from their charitable endeavors either.

    Just DO NOT forget to do that praise-singing. 🙂

  2. Wow HG you described my former UMRN verbatim!

    I never realized it before reading this article of how much he craved acknowledgement! It was foreign to me because as you described above we empaths don’t need the recognition to feel great about our deeds. So to these people the worse thing you can do is not recognize their deeds right? Funny when I first met him I stated “you are so kind and so sweet” little did I know then. . . Thank you again for another marvel HG! You’re the best!

    1. I can totally relate, Victoria! Every kind or loving gesture had to be acknowledged with effusive praise. (If it wasn’t enough, he would even prompt it!) Just one of the things that we can see in retrospect but were in denial about at the time, although it always seemed a bit “off.”

  3. It matters to them that are seen as that local community pillar,

    “that they are seen”

    after all, who on earth would every put on one front

    “ever”

    Someone normal might be irked and may speak up but they will not move react to the failure to accord to them sufficient acknowledgement for what they have done.

    “not over react”

    Being smeared and bad-mouthed to third parties for you audacious criticism of

    “your”

  4. HG, another question/scenario if you will. (Sorry its long). I have a female ‘friend’. After studying all that you teach I have concluded she is the Doormat. Nothing is too much trouble for her when trying to secure a relationship, or attention from most anyone. Narcs are her downfall from my perpective. She is a very hard student, but comes looking to learn from me, with no avail I might add. I see her also in this piece ‘angels with dirty faces’ as well. Always seeking approval for her self inflincted good deeds to attract the love she so desires. Even to the point of ‘loose legs lose friends’….usually trying and sometimes succeding in ‘taking my male interests’ as a score in her belt, like a school girl seeking validation from these men because it makes her feel good about herself. Meantime, Im pretty disgusted by both parties but clearly understand the ‘power of the p****y’ in her case. Soooo, in your opinion, does she sound like a doormat still, with huge insecurity problems, or simply a MR that is seeking approval and accolades at the expence of others…meaning me. Ever so nice to my face, but I cant help noticing her agenda. Am I missing anything here. Can you please put your opinion across to verify or debunk my theory? Thanks a million for this one. 🙂

    1. I would need more information to make an accurate assessment Lisa and therefore a consultation would be the appropriate forum, I would state however that from the limited material provided, one does see Mid Range indicators in the behaviour.

      1. Thank you HG. The person in question has many traits of many things…she is a hard one to pin down…(for me).

  5. Ok, several lessers have been upgraded. Very helpful with identification of your kind! Thank you!

  6. Excellent piece.
    Do you think this is what truly is going on in place of the oxymoronic ‘altruistic narcissism?’

  7. OK OK HG. You win. I see Veneer. My new name will be AH OH Veneer.
    I do not care for many people at all. They are of no use for the most part. I find myself being more distant from them.
    It is unfortunate you need them for fuel. I plug into myself. When I feel low energy I take my thumb and index finger and connect them. I feel the currant circulate instead of leaving my body. Crazy? No, self reliant. When I would jog and needed to fuel, I did this.

    People fuel you, people drain me. I would say I have the better deal.

      1. I try to see the world through your eyes, you write about this. It overwhelms me. I review my days and break it down bit by bit and watch myself walking through the day and the interactions with people. I do get my fill, most times in the morning at the gym. But after, I want nothing to do with them. Many time I will not answer my phone.
        Imagine the freedom this gives me. This is how it looks through my eyes.
        Can you understand this HG? I know you do. This is what sets you apart. You get it.
        I do feel superior at times. I get this all the time. “Get off your high horse” but I will not. I guess you can liken me to being a very “proud” woman.
        This is me on a silver platter, laid out for you to see. Take it or leave it. I care not.

        xx

    1. AHOH
      I see you are back from your trip to Galapagos was it? Hope you enjoyed it and feel refreshed and energized.

      Just curious. What category did you put yourself in? Or are you not saying?

      1. I am in the superior category. High caliber so to speak.
        Yes the trip was amazing. I was naughty for a moment too. I now had a change of heart for Latin boys.
        I am booking another trip for next year. I am trying to get a few friends to go so we can have the boat to ourselves. I am booking four cabins. There are 9 on the boat. It is my big bday next year so this is my gift to myself. Look up the cruise. Haugan Cruise Petrel. loved the fact you are cut off from the hustle and bustle of the world most times. Booking 10 days this time.

      2. Hi Ah Oh,

        Ohhhh Latin Men….sounds delightful, just those two words *wink*

        I am glad you had a wonderful trip! It sounds amazing.

        I am planning a cruise for the first time ever (I never was drawn to them, though a friend of mine is “dragging me” along LOL) She dragged me out to drag-queen bingo last week….(No, I am not 80 but it was hilarious and some very cute gay men in speedos. It was actually for charity. Hahahaha…. I never have done BINGO ever, so, the bar has been set high). This friend makes me get out and be more “social”. She is a social butterfly while I am quite the introvert unless required. Birthday cruise to Mexico, in the gulf. Why not…
        It is my beginning of my re-integration with the humans again. Damn humans *winks*. I prefer my animals at times….but, every now and then I want to get my happy groove on again. So…I must…LOL

      3. I have been on few cruises. The Crystal Cruise ships. The Serenity and the Symphony. Amazing ships.
        I did a Mexican cruise back in the day, 25, years ago with my friend. A drunk fest.
        You will have fun. You should consider trips like the Galapagos as there are not hoards of people.

      4. How about you?
        I am Sam, Sam I am. I had to read Dr. Seuss again. My favorite author. 😉

      5. AhOh
        You made me laugh. Nice side-step. What am I? Why, I am the trouble making Cat in the Hat who likes Green eggs and ham Sam I Am.

      6. We should play.
        Green eggs and ham are green because it is cooked in cannibus butter. Just saying.
        Just do not damage the artwork as you play throughout the house.

    2. AhOh
      Haha. I was wondering what you were going to do with that thumb and finger for a second.

  8. Excellent!

    This is precisely why it’s near impossible to out a mid ranger – the fact that they make every philanthropic move public and splash every detail all over social media. Their daily routines involve doing favours and “good deeds”. They’re stealthy and so damn believable.

    One of the most frustrating aspects of learning all of this from HG is that I feel I have to suffer in silence no one in million years would believe my ex mid ranger is actually the devil in disguise …. his very profession is to help his kind !!!! Ugh!

    meh …let everyone throw accolades his way. I know the truth, I am rebuilding my life and regaining my sanity.

    Hopefully, Mr. Pillar of the community will topple head/face first off his high horse…before he does something to someone that they can never recover from.

  9. Glad you wrote something on what Dr Craig Malkin labeled as the “communal narcissist”. There is a lack of information on this. Is this a newly written article or a recycled one on your blog? I like the clever imagery in your writing. I made friends with one of these last year. She presented herself as an idealized Christian, participated in church service events and in non-profit orgs. She would never turn down an opportunity to serve and over-extended herself. I thought the idealization was the friendliness of a true Christian. So when the devaluation and discard came, it was devastating. But only for a couple weeks. Then I learned what she really was…

  10. OMG — this is my ex-narc to a T. Everyone who knows him would say he’s the kindest, most caring person in the world. I even said it myself, once upon a time. The only people who know the truth about what he is are his ex-wife, his eldest daughter and me. That’s why we call each other “fellow survivor.” But none of us have tried to expose him, because we know what a futile effort it would be. As an elite mid-ranger, he’s able to use both his sexual charm and intellect to maintain the facade with the rest of the world. Never think the mid-ranger is the most relatively benign type of narc. In many ways, they’re the most dangerous.

  11. Yes, appalling behaviour for such types to enter into caring professions for their own benefit. Yet, as you describe they often do not realize that is not who they truly are. To care is to give, not exactly part of the narcissistic nature. Their true nature is often revealed as you described.
    Excellent and illuminating post, HG.

  12. Bloody hell HG. This is about as perfect a summation of my ex as it’s possible to get. Literally word for word bang on the money. I’m no slouch in the expressive language department but sometimes I’ve had such difficulty trying to convey his true nature to people. He’s so genteel and affable with secondaries (to their faces anyway, when they’re kissing his arse), so there aren’t many who’ve seen his “other” side. I’m going to bookmark this for future use. Perfect.

  13. My older sister is one of these angels. And some others I know too.
    I wonder if this angel with a dirty face can be a cadre on its own HG. So far I have “classified” my sister rather as a victim but was not very convinced of it. This describes her perfectly as well as a male friend of mine.
    Brilliant HG! Many thanks!

  14. I do not know how many times a female friend of mine said: “I am such a good person, I really help everyone.” We had a loose relationship and went out together for dinner or party sometimes. I mistrusted her. That was right. When I asked for her help and needed some support in a really bad situation, she had no time. Thank God, I was not disappointed, because I had expected that behaviour. I have had the right smell. She herself always asked for some little help. I am so proud, that I did not do it all time and rejected it sometimes with some false excuses. So I did not “pay” very much for her companionship at parties or other events. She really believes, that she is a good person. After that incident I cut this relationship, she is not trust worth. I feel pity and compassion for her young daughter, she has to pay the price all time. There was no time for her daughter`s problems, fears, successes. Mother was busy telling telling other people of her goodness and how much she was disappointed that no one seems to appreciate it….

  15. Another thing i forgot to add is this type of narc is extremely competitive over being ” the most liked”. From the time my kiddos were babies she wanted to be the favorite in their eyes and not from a perspective of loving them but a perspective of being openly the “favorite”! Many times she would say my grandaughter is very attached to me then say to her go give your mum a hug. This was meant to make me feel she was the reason she would hug me never on her own. It really annoyed me. When wed go out for meals she had to get the kids going about havjng to sit near her to the point she had everyone shifting chairs to how she wanted it. I stood up to her once on my bday and said no i want to stay here. She threw a fit and tried to triangulate hubby against me. Its all about control!!! She hates when others make the plans. My bday i can sit in the chair i like. She really is a crazy maker! Most outsiders would say ahhh just move to the chair she wants but after putting up with her crappy control i needed to take a stand and say no more. Narcissists really can drive you to insanity then they look like the sweet innocent but we see their grimey veneer.

  16. Very spot on, HG! This explains so much.
    My ex UMRN believes he is more caring and has more empathy than most people. He’s clearly delusional. I bought it for years…bHG.

  17. Woooow!! This is my sisters fiancee to the letter!! I was giving him too much credit thought he was another Greater. He attached to me after my Greater left me & my sister just stood by which hurt more than any of his abuse!! Sis (Golden Child) is codependent shows no emotion at all, I can’t ever get an emotional read from her which is disconcerting for me, but they tag teamed me as by contrast he made out to be just like me!! He’d look at me with this terrifying predatory look exclaiming in wonderment how I FEEL things like its some magic trick or miracle, I saw through him thanks to my ex, I knew what was happening but I couldn’t get out of the situation either. Noticed he liked to give money to those charity pots but only because of how it made him feel, nothing genuine EVER and he’d tell me constantly how he’d bought this or that for someone never himself he has to be forced to put his needs first, its just who he is.. Ugh!! The things he did to me when I didn’t ‘perform like a good object’ Terrifying. . He tells stories of destroying ex’s, putting them in a psych ward . That’s what had me thinking ‘Greater’ Beautifully written HG thank you for such eye opening knowledge…. 💜

  18. A 100 % accurate description of the Mid Range I escaped from…. frightening.
    I find the information of “what to watch for”, very helpful. I am paying attention. TY

  19. It was so easy to provoke my ex…

    I couldn’t state a thought or an opinion…without getting lectured or attacked. The topic could have nothing to do with him!

    He was encapable of seeing another persons perspective. It was exhausting. Sometimes I would even wonder if he was a smidge on the autism spectrum.

  20. I know a lot of people like that…::sigh::

    My dick ex used to pull all of that shit. It was extremely frustrating. He would always say crap like ” would you give me some credit…”

    The ridiculous part is that he wanted “credit” for the most basic behaviors and obviously I didn’t think to constantly praise such bare minimum crap.

    When he did do things that were “kind” and “empathetic” it was purely because he wanted to be seen as a good person.

    In our fights he would constantly say “you make me seem like such a bad guy!” I would just look at him in disbelief. He then would say “I’m sucha good guy!” He would make it seem like he would go out of his way for someone but wouldn’t. It had to be convenient for him or he had to get something out of it.

    I would just look at him completely disgusted and say “maybe if you keep telling yourself that you will actually start to believe it.”

  21. I also experience this in my profession. Regardless of what I propose in meetings, they negate, attack, and seek buy in from others. They interrupt, cutting me off, even getting their coterie to set up their monologue like “Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a round of applause …. Here comes Johnnie”. And their comments are always for ‘the greater good’. They want to make things better, because they care.
    If their ideas are shut down, they sulk, and threaten to seek a new job. Or they prepare for the next battle where they attempt to crucify and descredit further. If they gain acceptance, they celebrate by trying to ‘console’ … Letting me know we’re a team and we are in this together. They patronize, giving pep talks, even wanting to hug it out.
    It is all very funny to me because I don’t care either way. I’m not married to my ideas. Win some lose some.

  22. Dear HG, is there such a thing as a hybrid narcissist? I thought for sure mine was a lesser: arrived with guitar and bag, victim, previous incarcerations, tirades, fury, etc. As I read more, I am noticing more of the mid-range characteristics, such as the incredible sulk and cold fury. He is DEFINITELY an angel with a dirty face. His mask is “man of God,” he has tongues (from the devil?) and all. Always *helping* for show…yardwork, food shelves, handyman type stuff, praying over people, …talking the Bible talk. I am still having CD about this.

    Also, he is now “helping” me financially, since he blew through all of my savings before I escaped. I have been letting him “help” me, but I am guessing this is part of his “good man” facade, to take care of me, who he still calls his wife even though we’ve been divorced for over a year now. (he never signed so he says the divorce is illegal, but it’s not, he lost by default of never responding.) He is going to be in town this weekend…he is usually several hours away. I am in the midst of a hoover, but trying to stay strong. Still fighting the head vs. heart battle, and trying to exorcise the demon.

    Sorry to get so long-winded…so, again, are there possibly hybrid-type narcs?

    Thanks, and as so many others have stated more eloquently, your articles and insights are extremely helpful. Armor up! (trying to seize the power!)

    1. You are welcome.

      You will have individuals who have traits which can be found in all schools – for example, all schools use silent treatments but MR use them most and a lot. When examined as a whole however there will be an appropriate school which that narcissist belongs to and then there are the subdivisions which cater for variations within that school. Accordingly, I do not talk of someone being a hybrid in terms of school, but it is correct to state that there are elements from each school which may be present in the others.

  23. HG, is this not how a midrange will act no matter what he does? Ex. I am a single Dad everything I do is for my kids! Poor me! I give my children everything! I work the hours I do for them!! His parents take care of the boys. His second ex wife has the little girl that he only sees every other weekend! The daughter that he fathered from a friend of his ex he doesn’t want to know or see! Quote ” she was just a hole that I fucked 3 times and she tricked me and got pregnant!” God forbid if someone at work wanted to do something different then him, he would explode! I apologize for rambling I’m still trying to get a handle on what he was? If the children did something to upset him or that he didn’t agree with they would get the silent treatment. I even remember saying to him once don’t give me the silent treatment! He laughed and said he wasn’t. That’s what the boys say when I just don’t talk to them. Ok I’m done now! lol. This post just really got me thinking. Thank you HG!! Xxx

  24. Great post and great advice for flushing them out HG. So many of them in the workplace and on committees and the dreaded Facebook. You sure do see the mask slip when you give credit elsewhere. I think its a nice touch to do it at work in a meeting or at an event where there are special guests and watch them try to gracefully reposition the spotlight back on themselves without looking like a selfish shithead who doesnt share or acknowledge the contributions of others. Hee hee.

  25. Good grief HG!!! Again you have hit the nail right on the head here….you have described my cerebral mid-range (anchor) perfectly. He is an angel with a dirty face indeed. I think I have shared here that he is a musician for his local church. (plays piano) He was raised and still is very religious. He used to (at the time I thought jokingly) say “If anyone asks how we know each other we are bible study partners”….I was a DLS.

    I definitely hear you on the part where they think they are caring, good, empathic people. My goodness, he prided himself in being the nice guy, the good guy, Mr. Piano During Church. Kissing up to and charming everyone he comes into contact with from the waitress who took our dinner order to the elderly ladies at the theater where he had his show (which he played piano for again)….to the random person he would pass in the street, smiling and saying “good evening how are you sir?”….Mr. Goody Goody Do No Wrong.

    “I am the nicest guy you’ll ever know, Gabrielle” – he said that all the time. It is a shame he believed his own angelic filth face lies.

  26. When I was a child I asked my narc father why we didn’t go to church. His response was simple. ‘I do not believe in western religion. Their leaders are hypocrites and thieves and I can not stomach any of it.’ Okay? I didn’t understand his answer at the time but I never forgot it either. As an adult I can appreciate the logic behind his opinion. I, personally, have a problem with people who tell others they are going to hell. I can’t help but think of a local church leader who, in 2006, was accused of entertaining male prostitutes and abusing methamphetamine. Then, to add insult to injury, he was later ‘cured’ of his homosexuality with 3 weeks of intense therapy with 4 different ministers. Vomit!!!! It’s so ridiculous it’s laughable. We happen across these ‘angels with dirty faces everyday’. Thank you for shedding a much needed light.

  27. You just described my ex-husband perfectly! Thank you for that. I wasn’t sure how all the “so called ” good deeds fit in with being a narc. If i ever came up with a different idea of how to do something, which was often, I would always have to listen to him literally flipping out! He would then do it the way i suggested but of course it became his idea. I would hear him describe to friends and family members his wonderful idea and in the same sentence i became the crazy person. Wow, again more moments of clarity. i decided to end our marriage and he has been trying to get back together. i made the right decision. I knew that intuitively and now I feel validated. 🙂

  28. Brilliant article HG ! This is the one I’ve been waiting for. I’ve been really struggling for a while with establishing who are the real mids and who are teetering on the greater side. This has put it all into place for me. Thank you

  29. Oh my …this is my mother in law to a T!!!! This describes her sooo accurately!! It drives me crazy bc ive seen for a few yrs now exactly who she is. She toots her own horn repeatedly and cant stand to see anyone else get any form of recognition! That even includes her own daughter. Ive seen her tear a shred off her daughter after recieving compliments. Ive tried these tests many times and they do work in triggering this type of narc. Im the type of person that always recognizes people for the kind things they do and appreciate them. I do thank the mother in law too but i never go over the too which she wants. She wants the ohhhhss and ahhhhsss over something she buys as a gift and if she doesnt get the reaction she wants to turns into a major B. Also with helping out in some way she has to be praised continually for it or she complains shes taken for granted. Being a midranger tears appear frequently too when she knows she hasnt won or is caught in an act that demasks she will turn victim and turn it around on whoever challenged her or didnt give her the reaction she wanted.
    Out of all the articles this one hit home the most. I can see her so well in the description and the reactions.
    She seems to have gotten worse with age and ive seen this mentioned before that narcissism only gets worse as they age. Its true. Her narcissism has become so irritating. Its been a struggle to be respectful and remember her as my mother in law.
    So many times ive complimented my sister in law or brought up someone in a positive light and she interjects by cutting them down yet in a heartbeat will brag about something her daughter did or how close they are. Her daughter goes along with her abuse and lets her mum treat her any way she wants. Its no wonder shes married to a psychopath.
    This article validates the fact my mil is a midrange victim narc but tgis description of dirty angel is so exact!!
    Ill never forget she was talking about her dad one day and said ” he always loved his praises” in a snarky way and i replied ” i wonder who else is like that?” . She didnt get angry but instead grinned almost laughing so i think shes aware about this chatacteristic of herself. She knows shes doing it for the attention and praise. I bring up narcissism quite often but i think she has no clue shes a narcissist.
    It feels good seeing it in black in white what ive come to see the last few yrs.

  30. Your article is so accurate, my eyes have popped out reading it! You have just described the malignant narcissist who has been preying on me for so long! Maybe she is not as smart as she wants me to believe as I see she is a Mid-Ranger (and not a Greater). I would have never been able to explain her behaviour like you did in this article! Thank you so much, HG. It will be easier for me to write about her in a consultation.

  31. Point no. 2 happened to me after I commented on their online blog. Fortunately I had already identified them as a narcissist and so didn’t take it personally. They (the lieutenant) really shut me down and put an end to my critique. Which of course was wholly accurate.

  32. Hi HG,
    Valuable information you give us here. I really liked how you described these little monsters, oh I mean “angels”. Pains in the tush, I say! I got quite a few of these in my life, mainly professionally. I am very selective of who I invite into my small circle of friends and I am almost certain they are not of this lot.

    I do not like many people, if I am being fully honest. Is that weird? I do love my job (a people based industry). Perhaps because they are children and adolescents. They tend to be a tad more real. Less masks to get through. I don’t mind being drooled and spit on. At least I know where I stand.

    1. Hi Indy!
      Plus the children are honest, innocent, and real. I will take them anyday. Lol

      I saw a lot of this in my ex. I remember her being disturbed every time her boss didn’t recognize her on a phone call and in emails. I told her that it was normal for everyone to want recognition but sometimes it just doesn’t happen and not to worry about those things but I was just trying to reason with her as usual. She would sulk and give me pity plays or go the other way and hit walls just to get me to kiss her hand. I fell for all of them.

      Now her pretending to care and advocate for Autism now has me disgusted. She has FB covered with all her stories about spending time in the gym with special needs kids and how she understands how autism can be a challenge for parents. I can’t stand that she wears autism bracelets!!!!!
      It’s all a facade.
      She was good at it and it’s what made me believe that she was a good, caring person with heart underneath it all.

      Hope you had a great week. ☀️

  33. I see these all the time. I can sense them and notice them right off. Another way to spot them is if the people who work with them are afraid of doing anything without permission.
    I was helping at a funeral meal once and couldn’t find a platter. I went to wash an empty one and everyone was horrified!
    “Martha hasn’t said we could wash dishes yet! (Looking nervous) We always wait until Martha says to wash them.”
    “But we’re out of platters”.
    “You need to go ask Martha to be sure it’s alright.”
    In rural areas every small charity I’ve worked in was run by a woman narcissist.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.