Blind or Stupid?

 

blind-or-stupid

 

We love to triangulate. Three is the magic number. You, me and someone else or something else. Another victim? A competitor? A loyal lieutenant? A fresh prospect? An imaginary individual? A threatened event? An inanimate object? There are so many combinations of triangulation that are available to us and each has their own advantages and rewards for their application for us. In this equation there will always be us, there will always be you and then there will be third party. One of our effective manipulative triangulations involves the “normals”. These are people who are neither empathic or narcissistic but people who are generally decent, sensible and largely kind who may be supporters of yours, they may be members of our façade but whatever they are they are not you and they are not us. These are the people who you turn to when you can no longer stand what is happening to you. When you cannot understand what is going on. When the confusion becomes overwhelming. When you begin to sense something is not quite right. You turn to these normal in the hope of them helping you, understanding your plight and/or offering some insight. This is rarely achieved because you are met with responses which leave you wondering whether the person you have just spoken to is blind or stupid. Here are ten instances of this in action.

  1. I don’t believe it

Victim – “He is horrible to me, he never lets me do anything on my own anymore, he shouts and calls me awful names.”

Normal – “Really? I just can’t see Nigel behaving like that, he is always so lovely and friendly whenever I see him. I cannot believe he would do that.”

  1. Are You Bringing It On Yourself?

V – “I am sick of him controlling me. I try and assert myself, you know, lay down some boundaries, but he is always telling me to shut up and calm down and doing what he wants without any consideration for me.”

N – “Well you have always been feisty my dear, maybe you are provoking him and that’s why he is behaving that way. I don’t mean to be unkind but you do have a bit of temper you know.”

  1. Not This Again

V- “He has done it again. Disappeared. I have been ringing him on the hour every hour and he won’t answer. I don’t know what it is. I mean, everything seemed okay when we got up this morning, he smiled and asked me if I wanted a cup of tea (cue detailed analysis of every word and interaction thereafter)

N – Glazes over, thinks to themselves “Not this again. I am bored of hearing this. They will be talking again by tomorrow. She worries over nothing.”

  1. I Feel Sorry for Him

V – “So he did this, then that, then this again and he always does this you know. He is horrible, Horrible I tell you. I don’t know what to do. Oh he did this as well and some more of that.”

N – Thinks to themselves “I feel sorry for him putting up with someone so neurotic as her. No wonder he clears off for a few days, probably needs the peace and quiet.”

  1. Someone Is Exaggerating

 

V – “No word of a lie, he locked me in the bedroom and threatened to burn the house down with me inside and I heard him laughing as he said this to me. I am so scared of him. He keeps threatening to kill me. He rings me at work and comments about how my brakes are dodgy and laughs and puts the ‘phone down.”

N – Thinks to themselves “Sure he does, nobody goes on like that, I do like my friend but she is something of an attention seeker. Every other day there is one of these stories.”

  1. I Don’t Think So

V – “So he said that if I didn’t do it he would tell everybody in the church that I was sleeping with the vicar and he would post pictures of me on the internet.”

N – “Who Norman? No way, he is such a solid and respectable man. I don’t think he would ever do anything like that. No, I have known him years, he would never do anything like that.”

  1. He Did Say She Was Crazy

V – “He hides my purse so I cannot go out, he tells me what I can and cannot eat, he won’t allow me more than a minute in the shower and stands watching me while I wash. He follows me around the house and keeps staring at me, I can even feel him watching me when I manage to slip out for a while. I know he is following me.”

N- Thinks to themselves “It’s just as Neil predicted. He said she was losing her mind and coming out with all these fantastic stories. He is genuinely worried about her and I can see why now. Poor thing. Poor him too.”

  1. Ups and Downs

V – “He sometimes doesn’t speak to me for days on end. He just sits and sulks and ignores me. It is horrible. I hate it.”

N- “Oh that’s just men for you. They all do that at some point. It’s part of the ups and downs of being in a relationship, just ignore it and get on with your day, he will soon come round, you will see.”

  1. Don’t Involve Me

V- “Hi it’s me, can I come round to see you. I need to talk to someone. He is doing it again. He has spent the last two hours shouting at me and throwing plates around the kitchen. I am sick of this, I cannot cope.”

N – “I’d love to help but I er, have an appointment. Look I have to go; I will call you later” – I’m not getting drawn into their domestic dramas I have my own life to look after.

  1. I Haven’t a Clue

V- (After lengthy description of a catalogue of odd and strange behaviour) “So what do you think, what should I do? I cannot go on like this.”

N- “I don’t know what to say really, I can’t work out why he would be lovely with you one week and then awful the next, it does add up. Perhaps if you sat down together and tried to work things out.” (I haven’t a clue what is going on here.)

Not once does the “normal” turn to you and say,

“You are being abused by a disordered person.”

Or

“You have been ensnared by a narcissist.”

Instead when you describe the behaviour to a “normal” you are met with one or more of the responses detailed above. We know this will be the case. We know it will leave you hurt, bewildered and lacking the help and insight you so desperately need. Why do people respond like this?

  1. Lack of knowledge. Fortunately for our kind few people really know what we are and what we do.
  2. We don’t walk around with a sign around our neck stating “I am an abusive narcissist”. We blend in. People think the psychopaths and sociopaths appear like some crazed axe-murderer. We do not.
  3. People although kind are not empathic like you. Therefore, there is a limit to the time and resource they will apply to assisting you. People are inward looking and care more about their own lives than yours.
  4. The façade. Our charm and magnetism has people believing us to be wonderful and decent people. That façade is hard to shatter.
  5. Your coping abilities are eroded and you are worn out. This makes you appear unhinged, hysterical and thus in keeping with the image that we have spread around that you are The Crazy One.
  6. A Quiet Life. People do not like conflict. They want people to get on and do not want to become involved in other people’s problems.
  7. Behind Closed Doors. People always take the view that there are two sides to every story. They will listen to you but they will think there is likely to be some explanation which means it is not as bad as you are making it out to be. You are provoking the abuser, you are making it up, you are being too sensitive and taking things the wrong way. The “normal” thinks life may be different behind closed doors.
  8. People want other people to get on and therefore in order to try to preserve the peace they will suggest that the behaviour is not as bad as has been suggested and pressure the victim to go home and sort things out, unaware it is not something that can be sorted out by having a chat and a cup of tea.
  9. The tales of abuse and awful treatment seem far-fetched that the “normal” cannot believe them. They have no experience of it and combined with the existence of the façade just cannot see how someone could behave in this way.

All of this results in you trying to persuade people without success which becomes all the more frustrating and distressing for you. Naturally, we know fine well how people will respond to your protestations and the lack of understanding and knowledge about our kind allows us to blend in, move freely around and continue to behave in this manner with impunity. You are left wondering if the listener is blind or stupid. They are not stupid. But they are blinded to what we really are.

Just like you were as well.

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65 thoughts on “Blind or Stupid?”

  1. Thank you for writing this and the Dark Angel article. Could prove very useful in the persuasion of those “blind” others. I appreciate your efforts on behalf of empaths everywhere, no matter your motive. You are an interesting man and I look forward to following your journey further.

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  2. Neither. I would say Intolerant.

    They’re sick of watching you accept so little for yourself, bitching about it to whomever will listen to your tales of disrespect and abuse, and then returning to them. There will be a period of time where you will now assure everyone that you have both worked it out and then talk about the trip youre going on or the lovely gift he has bought you, or the sweet thing that he has said. You probably also gloated about the over the top golden period while their eyes rolled up into their skulls. Then here you are again on the phone or at the door with the latest unbelievable bulletin on what a bastard he/she is. Look at the things the victim says in the examples above. Who in their right mind would put up with that for the long haul? Normal people are neither blind or stupid-the just dont ride the crazt train so they dont understand why you do and wont get off. Its little wonder youre labelled unhinged and get the brush while he/she shrugs and says: see what Ive had to put up with?

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    1. NarcAngel, you said a lot of true words. We had a young man, who complained about his father, who threatened his mother with a knife from time to time. The family hid all sharp things in their flat, in fear of the father going mad again. We all believed the young man and wanted to give him help, all ways out mentioned and social institutions informed to get out of this situation. He did not listen to us. He stayed at home to protect his mother, lost his job in the end and the last helping hands. Now we are just waiting for an article in the newspaper. When will it happen? And it will happen. We told him x-time that it will become worse, but he did not react with for example calling the police, personal restraints or something else. They wanted to work it out in the family. Now we do not care about him anymore. It is his life. Everyone has the responsibility for himself – even the victim. If help is offered so many times and they reject it – you have to leave them alone. It is bitter.

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  3. This is why i never confide in anyone in my life other than tgis site, narcissism support group or a fellow narc victim. Its futile bc they dont understand and even if they try they cant offer useful advice. Furthermore they can be judgemental as a result. With narcissistic abuse its akin to being on a different planet altogether. Your typical person does not have a clue!

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      1. Svr…i do now too and the best part aside from being able to spot them is how to be around them. How they think etc. Not playing into their games is freeing.

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  4. Well this post and Evasion Tactics has my empath dander all up-in-a-huff. I have told normals about NPD and a few acted like I said, “I was kidnapped by aliens, subjected to anal probing and then had a tracking device implanted in my brain.” But I am tenacious and find that more and more people are receptive to the idea of NPD. Everything listed above is accurate and why I kept my mouth shut for years.

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    1. K
      As IF youd say that. Everyone knows they dont waste time anal probing if theyre planting it in the brain! Whos crazy now?

      Seriously though:
      Keep talking. The more we do, the more light on the subject.

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      1. NarcAngel
        Ha ha ha right! I forgot to add that an alien baby was implanted in my uterus. One friend outright denied my experience, as if I made this shit up! But I keep on talking and I won’t stop.

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    2. Hahaha K .

      I laughed out loud at your comment . I think next time anyone asks me ” WHY” did I put up with it for so long I’ll just tell em that.. maybe start rocking backwards & forwards & roll my eyes to the back of my head at the same time for added effect . 🙂 🙂

      Thanks for the laugh xx

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      1. Not So Sad
        I am so happy you got a laugh! The humor on this forum is excellent. Rocking back and forth and rolling your eyes backward is a capital idea! Ha ha ha. We could try speaking in tongues, too, however, it might spook ’em. This truly is the best place for us to be; we understand each other here.

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  5. Nobody cares because they don’t know. And honestly, it’s embarrassing to admit you continue to subject yourself to the abuse. Nope, I live this life inside myself. No one has a clue.

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    1. Mercy
      Don’t be embarrassed. Everyone here has been through it and we all care. Forget the normals; they can be very disagreeable and that is putting it nicely.

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  6. Such a brilliant article. It is so validating..so accurate.lt leads us away from confusion.
    Its unbelievable how true it is. Really explains a lot and also helps if you felt guilty burdening anyone with the tales because it shows how it all looks from all angles.

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  7. I have to say I’m quite lucky because both my siblings know plenty about the subject and so does my best friend. We only really talk about it since I escaped though. This is probably my fault because I protected the twat. My brother told me he never liked twat but saw I was happy and that’s all that mattered to him. I don’t talk to others about it. I tried but no point since they seem to think I’m Drama Queen who can’t accept that it’s over and invents absurd tales to make herself feel better. Even though *I* ended it. When I went to the doctor to get tested for STDs and the assistant took blood samples I had a small breakdown and she asked me what was wrong and I said “my ex is a sociopath” and she looked at me as if I had just said “I’m going to kill you and feed you to pigeons, bitch”. So now I don’t talk about it, but only for as long as I’m healed and can handle people’s reactions, then I shall spread the truth.

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    1. Anonymous

      Your post made me laugh.
      First: Im pretty sure your brother likes twat Just not your twat.
      I mean not the twat you were with!
      I just laughed out loud and scared the dog (again).
      Second: She probably didnt even know what a Sociopath is or what it had to do with having a blood test.
      Maybe just dont talk about it during medical procedures. Baby steps.
      Thanks for the laugh.

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      1. God damn I have missed you NA. I’ve not been able to keep up here. All I will say is I blame the solar eclipse. It’s a sativa indica hybrid….or a real thing happening August 21 2017….carbondale Illinois here I come. I wonder what HG will be doing for the 2min 40sec of complete darkness?

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      2. ABB
        Hi ABB. Thought youd run off with the circus. Sounds like quite the festival. Where will HG be during the darkness?
        Just sitting there. HE IS THE DARKNESS lol.

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      3. Hahaha!

        Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have mentioned anything but this was shortly after escape and I found out he cheated on me like it was some new Olympic discipline and I was terrified. After four years, I was convinced I’d have something. I also wasn’t eating at that point so my brain wasn’t thinking clearly. She definitely didn’t know what a sociopath is. I went on to explain that he cheated on me; which is only 2% of the truth, but my brain was clear enough to tell me “don’t go there” hahaha.

        So yes, I’m collecting myself and healing my wounds because I’m nowhere near my usual shape yet. I thought I was doing good for a while but I haven’t have a single night since May 13 that wasn’t filled with nightmares and I’m also turning more and more into a bag of bones. But I shall emerge from the ashes soon and do what needs to be done, i.e. spread the word, explain and educate – so we all can talk about the things that happened to us without people thinking we’re “special”.

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  8. I can’t even persuade people who have been abused themselves. Apparently the writing on this website is “all very uncritical and not worth taking seriously”

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  9. Honestly though, while I find it deeply frustrating that most people cannot understand us, I do understand them somewhat. Parts of our stories are incredible*, and if you haven’t experienced it yourself, it’s not something that you can easily imagine. Especially since it’s not talked about a lot. There need to be movies and books (both fiction and non-fiction) that talk about this topic in a relatively easy and appealing way so that it’s appealing to the general public.

    *For example, from my own story, when I tell people now that I’m 99% sure my ex stole my ID card at some point in late 2013, most people will think “oh right, and it took you almost four years to figure that out, and where’s your evidence?”. They won’t understand that in 2013 (golden period) he was the least suspicious person to me. When I tell them about the woman my own mother’s age who almost cried when she said “you should have told me you have a girlfriend” to him in summer 2015, while I stood there looking fairly stupid, they won’t understand why I believed his lies. There’s more. So much more. I only escaped five weeks ago, when I finally found evidence and he could no longer pull the wool over my eyes. So many things started to make sense to me. But yet, I still sometimes think “what the hell is happening” and find the whole thing so incredible. I feel like I’m stuck in some weird thriller, if this was an actual book and not reality, I’d think “ok, this isn’t really very realistic, the protagonist is incredibly naive” or alternatively, “this unreliable narrator annoys me”. So if I find my OWN story so incredible and unreal, I can understand that people who have never had similar experiences find our stories incredible. Yes, it is frustrating and even disrespectful at times, but we just have to find ways to spread the word and educate.

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  10. Agree completely, Anonymous. I was totally bewildered about what had happened to me before I discovered HG. I had even written a book about my experience (as an attempt at sort of do-it-yourself therapy). Now when I read through what I wrote, I realize I was very accurately and thoroughly describing narcissistic behavior and the whole dynamic of the narcissistic relationship. I just didn’t know what to call it or what caused it. And it’s true that other people don’t understand at all. When you say “narcissist” to most people, they think you’re just talking about someone who’s conceited. And they have no clue why we victims can’t just “get over it.”

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    1. I talked to a friend of mine a day after I found out my ex is a narc. Basically to tell him what happened and to ask him if he’ll come with me to my ex’s flat to get my stuff. He said he’d be happy to come with me and said something like “this is complete sociopathic behaviour”. So he obviously does have some knowledge. But then in the following messages, he kept saying I should just move on and he’s just an idiot and not worth my time (he would still go to the flat with me, but I no longer want to). So now I haven’t talked to him in a while. I do like him, but there’s a right and wrong time for certain friends in my life. For him it’s the wrong time.

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      1. I have lost most of my friends over this, for various reasons. But mainly because people wouldn’t believe me or accept my experience, or wouldn’t want to understand the full extent. Very few were able to. There are good friends who cannot understand about narcissism but sticked to me, and believed me and never judged me, too. And there are other people who claim to have knowledge who are not supportive at all; or who make it about them.

        I do get it that there are people who cannot know how it is and how a narc proceeds, but they should not judge what they cannot understand and believe and accept me/my experience and what I tell them. You don’t have to be an expert on various types of narcs for that.

        I was very sad when I made a new friend – – – which is very very hard for me now – – – who claims to be an empath and that she understood everything (and it took me almost a year to tell her most things, not even everything), whom I supported when she kicked out her husband, – and then she turned it around on me. So, I don’t know if I would want to try again opening up.

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      2. ava101, I stay away from social media on purpose because at the moment, I can’t handle seeing my friends talk about things that seem like nonsense to me. Especially because I know that if I shared my experience, they wouldn’t give it the seriousness it deserves. Now, I’m not some attention-whore who wants the entire world to go “boohoo” for me, but I also don’t want them to excuse his behaviour. I know a lot of people would think he cheated because we were in a long distance relationship. Hell, he probably tells himself the same lie, and believes it. Whenever he was an extraordinary ass to me (silent treatment, pseudo-dumping), he said “it’d be different if you had moved”. I have evidence the cheating began less than a year after we met (we were together for four). But it’s likely that it was going on from the beginning. My point is, a lot of people would have this “boys will be boys” attitude and thereby cut him some slack and belittle my pain. Turn the whole horrible story into some “oh well it just didn’t work out” or “he wasn’t ready to commit” version. Like he’s some victim of circumstance and I’m just some collateral damage.

        There were times when I could have exploded because I realised that the majority of people isn’t going to understand what I went and still go through. At times I thought “fuck, I want a certificate for what I’m going through”, so I can show people” haha. But I’m no longer angry in that way. I realise that I can use my experience in a good way, to help others, to spread awareness, etc. I’m not sure in what way I’ll do that yet, like I said, I’m not in my usual shape. I barely sleep, lost a lot of weight, don’t do the activities I used to do. However, this too shall pass.

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    2. My ex husband convinced me after 23 years of marriage to hand almost everything over to him as we were going to be best friends . I lost hundreds of thousands of dollars . Once seperated and I had moved out I continued to wash , iron and clean my old house . He would have a woman there which he said was he’s new flat mates friend . He’d often say I don’t want her at the house she brings her kids over they could steal from him etc etc . I even oneday felt sorry for this lady being with him while waiting for her friend to come home and asked her over to my house for a coffee . Turned out it was he’s new girlfriend and kids . I had no idea nor did she … she thought we had a great amicable relationship. When I finally approached the flatmate and said about her friend , she said she’s not my friend it’s your husbands new girlfriend . I told the woman straight away as I had been sleeping with him and doing all the chores , she couldn’t believe it . There is not a day that goes by I don’t think ahh I know what happened now or why . It wasn’t until a friend organised me to see a victims of abuse group I even knew what he was but still not to the extend …… I then met a wonderful man that helped me through my divorce . He was kind , caring and everything I’d never had . That was for the first few months …. I fell straight into another narcissists arms which took another 3 years of my life . I should have known better I knew something was off but ignored it even found a woman in the bed I choose to continually ignore , I ignored sexting and websites , porn and many many other things . I think Im both bind and stupid ☹️

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      1. Bel
        You are not blind or stupid. I ignored a lot of things, too, and many of us here did. We just didn’t know what we were dealing with. Stay here and you will find all the answers you need.

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  11. Dear Mr Tudor,
    It saddens me greatly, to see the number of abused victims and the forever increasing numbers. Little help is available to us and when we see a psych or try to confide with family or friends we are labelled negatively and not one person understands. Abuse should not be swept under the carpet and we need to be heard. My psych asked me “where do I see myself in 5 years time”, I just wanted to get past that day let alone 5 years, she had no idea and I never went back. Allowing us to look into your mind, at least provides us with some answers, similarities and helps to ease the horrific never ending pain. Your mind is so different to ours, it’s like mixing oil and water. We “want” to relate, we “have” to relate, and we “need” to relate our experiences. We are all scarred forever from narcissist abuse in some way, shape or form. You provide a platform with knowledge and for the chance of some healing and allowing us expression.
    For that Sir, I am truly thankful and grateful

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    1. Thank you. I despise questions such as “where do you see yourself in 5 years time”. I often mutter, “dancing on your grave”.

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      1. Last words I said to my husband, he died an hour later. The exact statement was you will die alone very soon and I will be dancing on your grave celebrating my freedom from the hell you placed me in.
        I slammed the door to his car and walk into the office.
        An hour later he left a message on my voice mail he died in agony, that shit messed me up for a good 6 months. Guess he wasn’t letting me get away with my defiance, or the fact he was very much alone when he died.
        My son went back and listen to the message and then deleted it.
        Him and I speak on this subject often, Narcissists, he is and was the only one that understood what happen to himself and what his father was doing to me.
        I learned long ago people will turn away and not want to get involved, I have often wonder if it was due to the fear they felt if associated that they would become outcast, the fear that they would have to face what was going on in their own lives and admit to this abuse, or they really didn’t care.

        I was asked that once, what will I be doing in 5 years, I walked out. It had no relevance to the situation at that moment and provided no solution. I spent time reflecting on that question I found for myself the choices I make today will effect what I will be doing in 5 years.

        You are triggering many things it seems.

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      2. Twilight
        I think one of the main reasons people turn away and don’t get involved is a sort of fear of their own limited resources. They see the problem, think how ugly it may be to deal with, how much of their time it might suck up and choose to look the other way because they think it will just be too hard and take too much time to intervene.

        One thing that took me a long time to learn is that everyone is struggling with their own set of problems. Whenever I start to judge someone for not being helpful, I stop myself and wonder what sort of hell is their life in? Maybe they literally don’t have the energy or time or ability to even think logically enough to help out because theyre so busy trying to put out the fires in their own life.

        I know there have been many times in my life that I have felt that way. That I would see someone else in need but just felt so beaten down and fragile I was afraid to step in and take something else on.

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      3. Windstorm2

        I agree with your observations. I have had discussions with a few that saw my situation and was told they saw it as a hopeless cause or they just couldn’t handle the emotions it stirred. They had a lot going on.

        You never know what is going on privately, my crew will start to complain because a customer was grouchy I just asked them if maybe do you think something awful is going onand they are just upset and projecting this? Maybe someone close is sick? They stop and think about it. Sometimes I have to ask them how they were speaking and if they believed that had any effect on the situation, a persons tone in the voice can cause a reaction to.

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  12. In the victims case, yes love is blind. Flip that coin to hate (or unlove if there is such a word), and we see very clearly. Normals stupid? Not really. Just ignorant when they choose to be.
    Thanks HG.

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  13. Dead on! Every time I told my friends of his indiscretions and lies, I was made to feel as though I was overreacting. Having a failed relationship previously, I was made to feel that I was overreacting when my gut told me something wasn’t right.

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  14. I agree, first you tell the people close to you what’s going on, but then you stop because you can’t explain why you still stay. And that’s the worst thing you can do, to stop talking about the abuse. It’s hard to figure out what is really going on, but when you finally see through the lies, you can’t make it unseen. And then you escape. But when you stay the Narc will discard you, when there is nothing left of you, because he needs a new shiny person and it all starts again.

    NO CONTACT. The only way.

    I don’t feel stupid. I did first but now I know that I’m so much stronger and wiser and I will notice the red flags sooner. My Narc also said something happend to him when he was a child. I feel sad for the child but not for him, he decided to be like that. And no one can help him.

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  15. Sometimes it is better to talk to a stranger, maybe on the internet, if you do not find someone else and ask them what to think about his behaviour (if you are totally confused what is right and what is wrong). People who are in contact with this special narcissist are very often blinded by the facade he presents. Then our kind does not get a helpful answer. We better never ask people in the environment of this narcissist for help. They will confuse us much more. That is my first idea.
    My second idea is, that I would not put the people you described above in a category of “normal.” They seem to be much more cold, indifferent people. They have a lack of empathy too. They only do not have the other “bad” traits. I do not believe that people cannot see the truth behind the words of a victim, if it calls out for help for more than one time. They are not all blind . They do not want to see it. They are cold and selfish in a lesser way that your kind is. They do not want to get in trouble and therefore they deny what they see. Selfish and cold, but no narcissists. They have a lack of strengths and courage too. Maybe they only protect the ones who are very close to them and weigh the need to protect themselves and their family to the need to help someone who is not so close.. Or they remember the benefits, they get through the narcissist. That is another reason why they do not help and belittle the problems of the victim or even accuse the victim. This is what I observed very often… .

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    1. Mona
      You raise a good point. We tend sometimes to think of the world as only Narcs and Empaths. There are a whole lot of others out there that are neither. Not everyone who is an asshole or plays games is a Narc nor those that appear bleeding hearts an Empath. Normals? I dont know that I agree that they are cold,selfish, or lack strength and courage. They seem to value self preservation and care of their own, and maybe thats healthier than trying to “fix” things as Empaths are driven to do or to harm others to fulfill their needs like a Narc. They seem to want to mind their own business and not get caught up in our crazy and maybe thats why they avoid.
      Having said that, i think the so called normals are hiding plenty and maybe thats the reason-they have their own shit to deal with.

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    2. Mona…i agree sometimes you can meet a stranger online that understands you better than anyone! I met someone off this site and weve become very close friends. Both of us have been involved with narcissists. I feel very blessed to have the people in my life i can turn to and theres not many. Most are friends thru support groups. Its so important to have people who get it and you trust. I cant imagine going thru this alone.

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  16. A wonder, the colour of the button just changed, when I wrote a comment. Halleluja! How did you know, that I disliked that purple colour? Thank you so much.

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  17. Oh so true. I would cry and cry about the way I was being treated. Never did anyone, myself included, think I was being ‘abused’. Yeah, he’s a jerk and I’m not sporting a black eye so maybe it’s not as bad as I make it out to be. Needless to say I just quit talking about it altogether. Facebook pages help me see the light. I was being psychologically and emotionally abused. He wasn’t just an average jerk, and I wasn’t making a mountain out of a mole hill. I finally had answers. It still took another 6 months for me to leave while I tried to wrap my brain around the last 3 years of my life but I did it. Hurray for social media or I would probably still be with him.

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  18. I know my narcissist over two years now. Since this is more like friends with benefits I am chatting and dating with other guys..there is an other man who I never met but he is always trying to keep in touch for over 1 year now! …lately I found out that this guy and him are friends…its still hard to believe for me…and why would he do this? What crazy game is that?…
    I have never told that guy anything about him. He knows I have that kind of relationship but I never told him anything about it what its like and what I know.
    Is this also a typical triangulation narcissists would do?

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    1. It is but you are most likely engaging with a Lieutenant who is feeding information back to the narcissist who purposefully caused the Lieutenant to engage with you.

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  19. I have one friend that just listens. She doesn’t understand but she is sympathetic to my situation. She never judges, just listens. She is my rock. She knows me and knows I’m a strong person so she realizes something is off but she can’t truly grasp the situation.

    I also got very lucky with my therapist. I don’t know how much knowledge she has with narcs but her focus is me. I believe she does have some form of education on it because she suggested EMDR therapy very early on. She identified PTSD right off the bat. The good thing about EMDR is that you don’t really have to talk much. Your brain does all of the work. The therapist will ask what are you thinking. You say what comes to mind and then she tells me to go with, then another round of rapid eye movement. Your brain goes where it needs to go to process the trauma.

    With therapy and HGs writings I feel that my emotions are manageable and I don’t feel the need to talk to other people about my issue. Except of course all of you. Its nice to have a support system.

    I am very appreciative of the site. I’m so glad I found it.

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  20. What about he’s insanely rich and I enjoy all the trappings that entails? I can try harder to keep him so I don’t have to give this up? The current one, T, is fighting to keep her spot…she’s 32, he’s 53. T is being triangulated with a stripper. T told him to make her leave a party. He said, “I don’t like being mean to anyone”. T lost it and assaulted the stripper. Now, he can say T is the crazy one. He kissed and made up with T…for now. He laid the groundwork for T being crazy.

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