The Lesser Narcissist – Five Facts



I have come across these five questions on a number of occasions. They are often regarded as the five fundamental queries which are raised about our behaviour. They are usually answered in a forthright manner by certain commentators in order to drive the message home. However, these observations and answers are provided by people who are not of our kind. They are naturally entitled to comment but the true value arises from someone who is on the other side of the fence, the perpetrator of the actions, the doer. Furthermore, the usual observations are provided without regard to the fact that narcissists are both similar yet different because we operate in certain schools which are linked to our degree of functioning and malign outlook. Accordingly, the traditional answer provided to one of these questions may be correct for the greater of our kind, but not for the mid-range or for the lesser narcissist. Here are the five answers to the five central questions, beginning with those of our kind who are from the lesser school.

  1. Do we know what we are doing?

The lesser does not know. He or she is a creature of knee-jerk reactions, impulse responses and almost machine like programming. The lesser narcissist behaves in his or her manner as a matter of routine response. Push button A and you will get response A. Push button B and you will get response B. It is an unsophisticated system for an unsophisticated person. The lesser narcissist is something of a blunt instrument and has no understanding as to why he or she acts in this way. Out of all of our kind if you try to get a lesser to understand what they are doing, that they must realise what is happening and they are aware of their behaviour, you really may as well go and find a brick wall and slam your head against it as it will be more productive. The lesser does not know and your questions will only serve to enrage him for yes, again reasons he does not know, only that he knows he does not like your questions and he wants you stop asking them so you had better do so or else.

  1. Do you know that you are hurting people?

The lesser may be low-functioning but he or she will know that he or she is hurting people some of the time, but not always. They are not so stupid as not to not recognise that whatever he or she is doing is causing pain, distress and upset to somebody else but there will be occasions where that recognition is totally absent and the Lesser is not pretending that he does not see that you are hurt and that it is his action which has caused this, he really does not realise that you can be hurt by what he has done.

They recognise some of these emotions even though they do not feel those emotions themselves. They see the product of their behaviours and like all of our kind extract fuel from this although they will not understand that this is what they are doing. They will not recognise the concept of fuel. Instead the lesser narcissist will just regard the reaction of the victim as their own fault and they deserved it because they did something the narcissist did not like. The lesser often cannot even point to what it is that the victim has done that has provoked the annoyance, the irritation and the ignition of fury and being invited to do so just increases the hostile reaction. There are occasions when the lesser will respond sometimes with something specific but more often with a general expression along the lines of:

“You just wind me up.”

“You know how to push my buttons.”

“You get on my nerves.”

“You really bug me sometimes.”

The lesser experiences the irritation, the annoyance and the ignition of fury but does not know why and therefore he is not in a position to tell you what it is that has caused him to hurt you, but he just has to, because once he has, the irritation and so forth recedes. He has gathered fuel and addresses the restlessness that comes with the low provision. He has gathered fuel and repaired the wound caused by your criticism (real or more likely perceived) but he doesn’t not know that this is the process. He sees the hurt he causes but has no idea why he is doing it. There are also many occasions where the Lesser will not even realise that the hurt is being caused. Lacking any empathy whatsoever (not possessing the cognitive empathy which Mid Range and Greater Narcissists use to fake empathy) the Lesser will see you crying and just give you a blank look as he has no idea at all why you should be upset. It just does not compute.

  1. Is the behaviour deliberate?

With the lesser it is not deliberate. He or she does not plan to respond in the way that he or she does, it just happens. There is no scheming or plotting with the lesser narcissist, they are not of sufficient function to achieve this. In the same way that if you are hit on the knee with a small hammer there will (usually) be a reflexive action, it is the same for the lesser. He needs fuel, although he does not realise this. He needs to provoke you but again does not realise this. He just reacts and responds. He is a victim of some unseen and unknown higher force that causes him to react. He is already programmed this way but has not been granted any insight or understanding into why he acts as he does. This is why the lesser narcissist will never accept there is anything wrong with him, why he will never admit that he is defective in some way and why he will never concede that he is a narcissist. This is how he is. Isn’t everyone else this way as well? He has no ability to recognise what he is doing. I appreciate that this is often one of the hardest things for a victim to understand. Surely the narcissist knows what he or she is doing? How can they not see it? If you can, why can’t they? This is because they have been wired in a different way to you and with a lesser narcissist this means that their world view is so different that they consider it the only way that people behave and that there is nothing wrong with it.

  1. Can you control it?

In the same way that you might think that the lesser narcissist must surely understand what they are doing, you would expect that they can control it. The answer is that they cannot. As I have explained, their responses are programmed and they do not act in the same way as you. It is knee-jerk, immediate and automatic. For instance, let us say that you are walking along the street when you see a large man running towards you. You will do the following:

  1. Regard the behaviour that you can see;
  2. Evaluate what that behaviour means;
  3. Consider the range of responses available to you;
  4. Consider the most appropriate to the situation;
  5. Consider the consequence of such action;
  6. Execute your response.

Thus you realise the man is just out jogging because as he nears you he is wearing sports kit and headphones, so you keep on walking and smile at him, he returns the smile and all is well.

The lesser narcissist sees the behaviour and then responded. Parts b through to e are omitted. This is why the response, viewed through your world lens, may seem disproportionate, outrageous and wrong. To the lesser narcissist, it just is and why are you complaining about it?

The lesser narcissist has an extremely low ability to control his behaviours because of this programming. Whereas the mid-range and greater (as I shall explain separately) can exert control, evaluate and form decisions before responding, the lesser cannot. This is why lesser narcissists have a greater propensity to more extreme responses, including physical violence, because they cannot control their actions and do not evaluate the repercussions of that action. They just react.

  1. Can they stop it?

It is often thought that our kind can stop our behaviours and therefore if we do not we must be enjoying what we are doing. With the lesser of our kind they can no more stop what they are doing than you can halt a runaway train with your bare hands. The lesser is a creature of response and reaction. It happens and if you are in the way when it happens, that is your fault. He does not know why he behaves this way so has no basis for stopping it. He is programmed to respond in a knee-jerk manner and therefore is unable to stop the behaviour. If you tell him to stop, you are tapping in to this inability to control his behaviour and this amounts to fuel or a criticism (if delivered emotion free) but in either instance all it will do is cause the behaviour to continue, although the lesser will not know this. In some respects, this lack of understanding, insight and control makes the lesser of our kind a pitiful creature but in other respects it makes him especially volatile and dangerous.

16 thoughts on “The Lesser Narcissist – Five Facts

  1. Rebecca says:

    I think he is a lesser. He does something that hurts me. I think he feels bad for a second but it seems he works himself up overnight. I always wake up to a tirade of verbal abuse next morning. Right in my face. Blaming me for everything. Ranting incoherently. Turning it aroun so it’s my fault… I say sorry and all is well… I just need to change… confusing?

  2. Sunniva says:

    Sorry in advance for the long post☺️

    Mr Tudor has educated us on every dimension of a narcissistic mind.
    In this context he has taught us about the schools of narcissism, but with some various traits. He has given us examples on how society grades these traits. I have notised comments from the readers on how easily a Lesser is spotted. Please keep in mind that a population elected a Lesser for president of the last standing superpower in the world.

    Some examples from my upper level Lesser N:

    Looked upon by his local community:
    “…oh but he is such a great business man. Look at how he has built his own company, and how he is giving back to our community. Yes, he was a wild child and is still brutal and cynical, but show me a business man who is not. And look at his well behaved kids. Yes he is devorced, but they are still good friends”.

    Answered by the N when asked about his devorce: “She said I wasn’t investing enough into our relationship, and she was right. She is such a sweet girl, but not as smart and funny as you”.
    Asked about his intimate secondary sources:
    “They are sweet girls, but not girlfriend material (yet)”.

    He controlled his wife by having her at home with the kids, uneducated and unemployed. He still contols her.
    He would not isolate her from family and friends, but made sure they see him as a kind and desent person and father. (More fuel).

    He has control over his ex as primary, and his two intemate secondary, he has a wide circle of friends, and his kids and family.
    I actually do believe him when he says:
    “I don’t need a girlfriend. They just nag me. I have it great the way it is now”. (Fuel level high enough at the moment).

  3. Sleeping Tiger says:

    Somebody’s Falling, the bony prominences you mention sound like mandibular tori. One way it happens if from biting down while you sleep. And the biting down (bruxism) is generally caused by chronic stress.

    1. Somebody's Falling says:

      I will look that up, thank you. When sleeping, he always seemed so at peace, but in waking hours, that jaw was definitely set. Very easily stressed over the tiniest things.

  4. Somebody's Falling says:

    I was involved in a seven year relationship, only 10 months of it a marriage, with one I labeled as lesser because of the volatile physical aggression. Impulsive knee jerk behavior, violent when narcissisticly injured, but loved to argue and inspire me to cuss him out. I think he got off on that more than the admiration. He was either all charm or all rage. But when the relationship was over, after learning about NPD and after much introspection, i felt in my heart he knew exactly what he was. Hindsight being 20/20, all the times I missed or dismissed when he tried to tell me he was crazy, a monster, a predator, etc Even described himself as Reptilian, showed me his physical “proof” of why he felt he was one. He was laughing about it, and I blew it off as a weird joke. But if a lesser doesn’t honestly know, it doesn’t all add up in my mind. I need to re read. It made me physically sick how charming he seemed to the rest of the world, the number of times it took hours to get out of a store or a restaurant because of the sheer number of people we would bump in to who had to stop and shake his hand.

    1. Brian says:

      What was the proof of him being a reptillian?

      1. Somebody's Falling says:

        He pointed out distinct spiny ridges down the center of his skull and had me feel inside his mouth beneath his tongue. He had two distinct bony prominences along the inside of his lower jaw that none of the rest of us have. Perfectly matched. He had golden eyes, more gold than amber in certain light, caught him looking at himself in the mirror one day and commenting “Look, I have the eyes of a predator.” He was very handsome, very smooth skin in appearance, no wrinkles whatsoever for a man in his 40s. He seemed to never age. But his skin in places was very scaly, he made the lizard comments with an evil grin. Crazy as hell.

        1. Brian says:

          You’re blowing my mind.:)
          There are legends of snake people in almost every country, I was beginning to think it was just a hoax or something.

          1. Somebody's Falling says:

            He was a snake alright. 😉 He was fascinated with shape shifting, and for me, that was symbolic of his level of narcissism. They truly make you see them as something they are not, and when I listened close enough, he constantly tried to warn me he did not see himself as human. If the lesser doesn’t have that capacity, I have a hard time swallowing he could be a greater with a viscious temper when about to be abandoned? It works best to just view him as that snake and be the grey rock since we do have to have modified contact.

          2. Brian says:

            lol the Chinese legend mentions shapeshifting
            The world really is a weird place then 🙂

          3. Brian says:

            Also you have the ‘naga’ snakemen from India who are supposed to live underground – lol

  5. DAnne says:

    Oh boy, thank you, spot on. I’ve watched a switch of the switch out of no where! From fine, to throwing things, to screaming he’s gonna kill me. No ryme or reason, and, boom, out of control. When i confront this behavior in a logical manner when things calm down, it’s like no one’s home!!! I do get a huh? Ok? Like i just showed a caveman the moon for the first time! My bewilderment in the response is almost funny! What do ya mean, huh? Dahhhhhh! Is anybody out there, nod if you can hear me! Lol!!! On a more serious note, SCARY!!!! When he loses it, there is no stoping him, talking, just duck!!! Rage in the most primal form. I find this happens with mine in only certain situations. A pattern of sorts, he shuts down to sleep, and i mean, I’m sleeping now! If anything disturbs this pattern, if i move wrong, ask him something, wanna snuggle, he can turn into a uncontrollable monster in seconds. And i mean, throwing things, screaming, and has literally thrown me out the door. If i get through a night? The next day, it is like nothing happened! If i address it, I’m arguing. No wonder we feel like we are going insane! There is no logic to this type of thinking. Your right, ya might as well pound your head against a brick wall!

    1. Star says:

      DAnne, probobly none of my buisness and I apologize if I am overstepping, but if you can… please please leave him. Your situation will never improve, it will only get worse.

      1. DAnne says:

        We don’t live together, and distance is helping to make that permanent break. We talk occasionally, and everyday it’s getting better. Two months ago i did practically live with him, so it was ruff at first. Sadest thing ever is when he’s well behaved, i miss him still. I have to keep a clear picture in my head of what i know he can become. I do wish there was a way to fix him, but, i know it’s not possible. Ya gotta throw out the baby with the bath water. When i first found out, i cried, for him, me, wish there was a pill. 😢

  6. Jenn says:

    If a narcissist says they are a perfectionist, high standards, use people’s weaknesses against them, play head games, lie, play dirty pool, will win at any cost, have a dark side, wouldn’t date anyone in their tiny community because they have to live there after, are maladjusted, and want to break you down, WHAT TYPE OF NARCISSIST ARE THEY.? Is that a lesser, mid, greater, socio? Can a person be a combination?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You cannot be a combination. There are certain traits which are found in all three schools and a particular school of narcissist will have traits linked to that school only in the main, but may have a few traits unique to other schools also, but still will only belong to one school.

      From your description I would suggest the Lesser school would be excluded. It may apply to Mid Range or Greater but more information would be needed to ascertain correctly and a consultation is the appropriate forum for this.

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