Told You So
“You know you really shouldn’t get involved with me you know, I am damaged.”
“Well, it is a little bit late for that isn’t it? I am already involved.”
“I know and I am glad to hear you tell me that, really I am, because I want you more than anything. I have not wanted anybody else in the way I want you but it is because of that I think you would be better off without me.”
“Don’t be silly, what do you mean by that?”
“You are so wonderful, so perfect. I truly have not met anyone like you. It is as if everything I have ever wanted and needed in somebody has been put together and rolled into one.”
“That is lovely of you to say, but I am not perfect, far from it.”
“To me you are.”
“Bless you, that is so sweet. I think you are wonderful too, not at all damaged. I cannot believe you said that.”
“Well I am.”
“Not from where I am sitting. You are incredible. Thoughtful, loving, attentive, interesting, sensual and so passionate. Those are just a few of the things that spring to mind when I think about you.”
“What else?”
“Oh let me see. Generous, yes generous and kind, considerate and successful. Entertaining as well. I don’t think I know anybody who can light up a room like you do. I love to watch you when you have everyone’s attention, I can see how much they love to listen to you.”
“Oh you are just saying those things to make me feel better.”
“No not at all, I mean every word, I really do. I have not met anyone as special as you and that is why I love you as I do.”
“You shouldn’t, I don’t mean to be rude, but you will only get hurt.”
“How? By you?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“I don’t know; I just always seem to mess things up. It may sound strange but somehow I want to think, I mean, I kind of know it should work with you, with you more than anybody else, I suppose I am just terrified that what we have is so wonderful, so perfect that I might do something to ruin it and then you would be hurt and I could not stand for that to happen.”
“You see, there you are again, considerate and kind.”
“I could not live with myself if I hurt you and I just do not want to run that risk of that happening. You do not deserve to be hurt.”
“That won’t happen, I can feel it. What you and I have is something out of the ordinary.”
“Yes we have haven’t we?”
“Absolutely. I love you and you love me and nobody is going to change that.”
“I know, I know, but what if, you know I do something?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, it is just that well, previous relationships have not exactly been successful have they? My track record is not great.”
“No but that wasn’t your fault was it? Look, you told me all about what has happened in the past. Not many men would be so honest as you to admit to what you have gone through. That takes real courage and is typical of the honesty and decency you exude. You are a good man and you have been treated abhorrently by some wicked people. Oooh, if I ever met them, I don’t know what I would do.”
“I knew you would understand. You always do. You get me. They never did you see. I tried you know. I always tried to make it work. I just wanted both of us to be happy but you know when whatever you do is not enough? When no matter how hard you try to please somebody but they always find some kind of fault? That was them. They made me feel like it was my fault a lot of the time. They had that way of twisting everything around so I was made out to be the villain. It is hard to explain it, but that is what they did.”
“I understand. There are some people who just delight in the misery of other people but that is not going to happen with you and me.”
“No?”
“No. We have both suffered previously.”
“I know. That is why I do not want to hurt you, you have had enough from the past and you deserve to be treated properly.”
“Well that is what you do. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, I really could not. You put me first, ahead of everything and you do so much for me. I really do appreciate it and each day I feel more in love with you because of what you do for me.”
“Thank you. That is all I want. Both of us to be happy. I think it must just be because of what has happened in the past, I am worried that this time, having found you, it will go wrong again and you will be hurt and I could not live with that.”
“Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You have just been made to feel like this because of what they have done to you. It is understandable. I know you won’t hurt me. How could anyone who says the things you say to me ever hurt me? I have never had someone say the wonderful and beautiful things you say to me before. You leave me in tears. Tears of happiness admittedly because you just know what to say, you understand me.”
“Yes. There is a connection and it is deep and meaningful and I do not want that ever to be severed. I will fight to my dying breath to stay connected to you. I want to become you.”
“See, there you go again, saying the most wonderful things.”
“You bring it out in me. If it wasn’t for you I don’t know what I would do.”
“Well you don’t have to wonder do you? You’ve got me and you always will have.”
“Do you mean that?”
“Absolutely.”
“You see I am really in heaven every time we kiss. I don’t ever want to hurt you or lose you.”
“That will never happen. You have me forever.”
“I hope so, I really do.”
“You do. Now, let’s not have any more talk about you hurting me, that isn’t going to happen. We have the rest of our lives to be together and be happy. Let me get another bottle of wine, no, it is my turn, you stay there. You do enough running around after me, let me do something for you for a change.”
“Okay, same again please.”
“Coming right up. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
16 thoughts on “Told You So”
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Another interesting fact….keep writing please…..I learn something new everyday here. Diva
I have to laugh when i read this blog that was me for years naive. I was like a fluffy white bunny rabbit waiting to be devoured by these types. Im still learning but ive come so far since 6 yrs ago. Im still not there yet as ive learned in a newly disengaged, what i suspect narc, friendship. Its opened my eyes to the fact of the midrangers and many lurk as victims not knowing they are a narcissist. Then again i ask myself if its fair i label someone that hasnt been diagnosed. In the end it doesnt matter and what does is that i learn and see the narc traits and avoid these types of people regardless if theyre a narc or someone who has a lot of narc traits i dont want to open myself up to them.
I just watched a u tube vid about not giving the benefit of the doubt and ive always been one to give many chances and make excuses for things said or done that are red flags but thats such a mistake. When you see that first narc trait or they are telling on themselves to you …believe them!!!
Id mentioned this in a past blog but i have a coworker/friend i chat with and hes always saying how he messes up all his relationships and that theres something wrong with him. I ask him what he thinks hes doing wrong and specific questions and he hates this.
Being empaths doesnt mean we have to be suckers. I feel empathy and sometimes from a distance but these types i am very leary of and need to learn to walk away sooner than later.
Hello Narc Affair,
I heard all of the above and thought nothing of it. I was just as naive.
I am now waiting and listening to see if anyone new I talk to these days says anything like the above. I would have never thought that these were clues as to what was to come.
I was just like you. I would give repeated chances and the benefit of the doubt because I really wanted to believe in that person and I had hope that they had a good heart. I thought my ex just had a bad life. In reality she did but I wasn’t the one to help her. The damage is done and was done a long time ago. I still feel sorry for her but I have to repeat to myself that I am only responsible for myself and my son. I can’t rescue anyone.
Hope you are doing well. What’s the status with your narc?
Hi snow white…ty for your post and weve had such similiar experiences! It really amazes me how many narcs ive had in my life or people with strong narc traits. I do think we attract them bc of our lack of awareness and bondaries. There is such a thing as being “too nice” and those are the ones they swoop in for.
Im trying to keep my empathetic nature while realising its ok to walk away from those that arent healthy to be around and know its not wrong. The guilt factor always looms that we should keep giving them chances and that if we dont were not good hearted but thats putting healthy boundaries in place. Its up to others to fix their problems. Coming from a catholic background this guilt factor to never turn my back on people to the point i havent protected myself. Its been a huge learning curve.
This past narc friendship was a shock. This person came off having gone thru a similiar experience and had given some good advice but a few months down the road changed drastically and it was apparent they were more concerned about being noticed as a life coach and everything was about them. I suspect them to be a midranger but regardless there were narc traits that didnt sit well with me. Its great to meet others touched by narcissism but im now careful how close i am to anyone not just with narcissists.
My narc situation is pretty much the same im still with him. The ties that bind blog sums up my situation its difficult to break but awareness has been strengthening me.
I hope your marriage is growing in a new positive direction. Remember itll take time and youve come so very far!! Walking away was the hardest step now its rebuilding. 👍👍👍
Good evening Narc Affair!
Boundaries seem to keep popping up for me. I just wrote to Clarece about the issues I’m having with “friends” and “aquaintances” and trying to understand what healthy boundaries are. All the lines seem blurred to me. And it’s interesting to see how my daughter doesn’t have any issues with this. It’s second nature to her and for me it’s difficult. My therapist wants me to come up with a goal for this year and I think it should be about boundaries and trying to enforce them.
Looking back I guess I was just lucky that I didn’t have someone take advantage of me because I didn’t have any boundaries. I feel the same about my catholic background and that has added to my problems. Lots of guilt and always wanting to do the right thing.
Our stories continue to be similar. I met someone recently and shared my Narc story with her and we talked about our experiences and mine is starting to unravel like yours. She is always concerned about herself and wanting to give advice. She has invited me do things with her but I have avoided them because some things just don’t feel right. At first I thought ” can a victim of a narcissist actually be a narcissist”?… I still am friendly but have kept my distance.
Oh I understand the ties and I often think about where I would be right now if my husband hadn’t given me an ultimatum. That’s when I did the research and I still DID NOT want to leave her but I knew it was best. I would have never left her because I was in too deep.
The marriage rebuilding is hard. I think the hardest part is that I’m not back to the person I was. I honestly don’t know what the future holds.
It’s literally one day at a time for me.
At least you are learning more and more all the time here. You are getting stronger each day even if you don’t feel it. I don’t know how I was living two lives for as long as I did. I need naps these days. Lol
Hugs to you❤️❤️❤️
Hi snow white…what you said about not being back to the person you were i wonder should you go back to being that person and is it even possible? I contemplate this about myself. First off i barely remember who i was 6 yrs ago. I try to to gain insight why i latched on to my narcissist. I did latch onto him bc of things i was lacking in my marriage and also within myself. Ive suffered with mild depression and he perks me up. Ive always done things from a naturalpathic way and would never go on meds unless i had to.
Getting back to my question would you want to be who you were before your ex or would it be better to leave that person behind and become someone better and evolved? Also your marriage it will be something different now from this experience and time will unfold what that is. Do you both go to counselling? I think your goal of boundaries is a very good one and i need to work on this area. I need to walk away from individuals that dont respect my feelings or boundaries. When you struggle with self worth it difficult to be your own boundary enforcer but self worth comes from doing that. You learn to love yourself and protect yourself.
I do think there are victims out there that are midrangers or have numerous narc traits. Theyve been messed up from their experiences. My ex friend i think is a midranger bc from the get go they bragged about how driven they were to succeed and were business minded. They did give good advice and for that im grateful. There were a few red flags along the way but one in particular where i knew what i was dealing with and withdrew conversing. They had told me how they blocked family from their life bc they rarely got in contact. Also on social media if someone didnt interact a certain amount they were blocked which became my case. At first i was deeply hurt then angry and now i see it as another learning curve in my journey.
The fact you walked away from your narc is a huge accomplishment never lose sight of that! Your hubby gave the ultimatum but you did the work and so many of us struggle to do that! Youre over that hard part. I do know its a process and will have struggles and bumps but walking away is so very difficult! One step at a time towards your brighter future! :)🤗
Narc Affair
Here we have a saying, “shoot ’em all and let God sort ’em out.” My advice on potential narcs is similar: “Label ’em all and let God sort ’em out.” You possibly thinking someone is a narc who really has some other disorder won’t hurt them, but it’s best for your safety.
Oh and I love your bunny comparison! I often feel like a bunny eating clover out in a field. Just carry it on out – if that bunny sees a bird that might be a hawk, should she wait to be sure before she goes to ground for protection? That’s not the way to live to be an old bunny!!
Windstorm2 …..I have not heard that saying before….it’s brilliant…..out of everything I have ever read……that just might be the line that converts me….in more ways than one. I like reading your posts……you write as though you have been through and seen through many issues and sagas. I love the line “shoot ’em all and let God sort ’em out” ….I would love to use it myself……but I will have to use it with caution here in Northern Ireland……I am starting to wonder if maybe that’s been the philosophy here all along!!! Diva
Diva
Glad you liked it! Very common saying here. Of course we Kentuckians tend to be of Scotch-Irish descent. Although it’s often hard to trace our ancestry since so many people changed their names when they immigrated to avoid the law! 😄 We are very proud of our independence from authority!
Hahaha..”LOL”..I LOVE THIS BLOG..🐷How real is this…..its help me a lot to see the real face of the N..
BETTER THAN THERAPY REALLY..
So what when you tell a narc that you will only end up hurting them ?
I’m thinking lower greater
They don’t run away – so what are they thinking ?
You’re so annoying !
With my suitcase ready, plane ticket bought and a new job waiting, the day before I was due to move my world and be with him I received a one-liner email:
” Don’t come here for me”
A few days later he unblocked contact ” Forgive me, I made the biggest mistake of my life, I do want to be with you. Please come.”
We talked and I did go.
Two years later I found myself fleeing the country after fearing for my safety during another violent rage from him in our apartment.
” When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”
-Maya Angelou
I know that now. I wish I had then.
Happy you are in a better place and have escaped. Arm yourself with the knowledge to break thiose soul ties. HG has several resources to help with knowledge of this disorder and how we fit/ contribute.
So sorry to hear. Similar sort of regret. I probably am to be blamed because for two years he showed me what a horrific person he was yet I still moved to a new place for him, married him, distance between me and all my then friends and my family, he had complete control over me. I was way too young at the time but no excuse. Violence started many years later, violence seems inevitable with most narcs.
To me….this has my very short experience with a mid range stamped all over it……he never got the chance to hurt me in any real sense as I stumbled across this blog and I quickly realised what he was. Anyways he told me enough times that other people had remarked on his temper and how he looked and reacted when he was annoyed……and that he hoped that I would never see it or words to that effect. I didn’t believe him at the time but I do now. I never did see him in full fury mode as I escaped…….mind you he never saw me in crazy bitch mode either…….maybe it was him that had a lucky escape!!!!!!