Me, You and Her



One is never enough for us. Two or more are required. When we commence our seduction of you and launch those missiles towards you bearing love, passion and desire, we repeatedly tell you that you are the one. You are the only one that we want. All of our life we have waited for this moment to be with the one, you. This singularity of number meets singularity of purpose. One is all that we want. We tell you this, we text you this and we do some repeatedly in order to put you on that pedestal. The world may as well just be populated by you and me. Nobody else matters. All that we want is you and you alone. The effect of such words makes you feel extremely special, revered and worshipped and it feels wonderful doesn’t it? Being the sole recipient of our attention, such wonderful, dedicated and loving attention is uplifting, joyful and magnificent.

Recently a commenter posted a quote from Robert A Heinlein which revolved around kissing. Essentially, this quote referred to the fact that when most people kiss they are not putting their all into it, they have other things on their mind, they might be worrying about work, they know they have to put the rubbish out, they are wondering what is for dinner and as a consequence that person’s kiss is nowhere near as it should be because that person has distractions. The person they are kissing does not have their total attention. There is considerable merit in such a proposition. What we manage to do however is make you think that nobody else matters, that you are the only person we are kissing, have ever kissed and will ever kiss. We make you the centre of our universe and you believe it. Yet the reality is that whilst we exhibit this singularity of attention on you, we have so many other people in mind. Understand that when you are with one of our kind there is never, there is never a time when it is just you and me. There is always you, me and her or him or them. Your dynamic with us is not exclusive. It never is. It is not your sole preserve. You are shared throughout the entirety of your relationship with us, from the beginning until, well forever. I do not necessarily mean that we are engaged in s sexual relationship with someone else when we are with you but the fact is that when you think it is just you and I, there is far more going on that you will realise.

At the outset when I am seducing you, I make you feel like the only girl in the world, however there will be at least two other dynamics ongoing. The first is that I will be embarking on a cruel campaign against your predecessor. I will be considering how next to provoke them and punish them so I am able to draw negative fuel from them. I will undoubtedly tell you about them as I explain how horrible and abusive that person was to me. What you are less likely to know is that I am sending them abusive messages, stalking them and organising various methods of manipulation to keep punishing them.

The second dynamic at the outset is the fact that I may also be working on another prospect as well as you. In the extremely unlikely event that you ever had access to my mobile ‘phone and you looked in the messages you would see something like this.

“Message to You 19:48 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

“Message to Her 19:50 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

There may even be,

“Message to Her 2 19:52 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

Notoriously greedy for fuel and wary of the effects of not having a supply of the same, we will ensure that we have other targeted prospects in hand. You may become the chosen one as my primary source of fuel but the others will not necessarily be discarded. They will be retained as “friends” who rank as high producing secondary appliances, continuing to supply me with fuel. You think you have me to yourself. Of course that is the impression that I will create but you are sharing me with the others who will be kept ready to replace you should you start to fail in your production of fuel.

During the golden period it may seem that there is just you and me but I will be keeping other prospects warm and extracting negative fuel from one or more predecessors in the meanwhile. Then, without warning you find yourself being devalued. You have your suspicions that we are playing away. Indeed, we are as we use these secondary sources that we have kept “warm”. There will be others as we find additional people to draw into our network as we play them off against you. You will find you will be compared to these people, to friends and family and always found to be wanting as we press the devaluation against you. After this horrendous time, we will cast you to one side with a callous discard and somebody else has replaced you. How did that happen so quickly? How were we able to move with unseemly haste and find someone else who we now declare our love for? Easily. They were waiting in the wings all along.

Now disengaged from you will find you are still involved in the dynamic as we play you against your replacement. We will keep trying to draw negative fuel from you and then suddenly hoover you back and make you the apple of our eye again, as your short-lived replacement is cast aside. A period of vacillation may follow as we lift you up and crash you down. You are sat on one end of a see saw, as you go up, she goes down and vice versa. We stand in the centre, straddling this see saw and gobbling up all the fuel that is pouring from you both.

As our primary source you will always find that there is somebody else involved in the dynamic of our relationship. It does not end there though with the person who is our primary source of fuel. This addition of an extra player in the game happens throughout all our fuel gathering activities. We set family member against family member, our brothers against our sisters, or one parent against another. We treat one child as golden and the other as a pariah as we have them compete for our blessing and affection. We pit one colleague against another as they vie for that promotion which lies in our gift. We have friend fighting against friend in order to spend time with us at the expense of the other. We enter the online realm and have people backbiting, clashing and competing all through a few keystrokes on the keyboard. We can never be satisfied with it being just you and me, we always have to involve others and that involvement cannot be harmonious. There must be competition in order for the fuel to flow. Never think that we are dedicated to just you, our need for fuel does not allow it. There is always someone else despite what we may tell you. If you were ever able to ascertain the full extent of our machinations, schemes and plans you would see so many lines radiating away from us, connecting us to you, to her and to many others, with lines running between the unknowing and knowing until it looks like an extremely complex organogram on the wall of an incident room in a police station.

It can never just be you and me. There always has to be another.

22 thoughts on “Me, You and Her

  1. Sarah says:

    I caught my ex nac with his friends 70+ mother looking very old, my ex nac being just 47 at the time. Obviously he denied it even though I seen them at his house at 23:45 at night with my own eyes . I wonder if this affair with her has been going on for years? His friend has no idea about it. He now lives in Australia. Is this possible of a narc? I thought they have egos, I am younger than him and I don’t want to boast but I have a lot more going for me than her. I have a good job very independent and been told that I am very attractive. Why on earth would this woman appeal to him? I wouldn’t dream of having sexual relationships with a man my fathers age. Is it me, that just thinks like this? I find it very worrying that this older woman would go with him being it is her sons friend? I am so confused by it all. He is trying his hardest to gaslight me and turn everything around and put all blame on me. But I am staying strong and having nothing to do with him because of it. I find it all disturbing.

  2. Tiny Dancer says:

    There’s a new “her” at work. Her has a cute puppy and her and my N agreed last night over happy hour beers to split custody of the puppy every other weekend and put up a photo of the 3 of them at work to be funny. Isn’t that funny? Eye roll…

  3. Anne says:

    And there you have it!!! Had it happen when we started to see each other, the crazy ex, the ex that was a friend. Now I’m the crazy ex, as he still talks to me, and dating someone else!!! Think he’s a lesser though? Because he comes right out and talks about this behavior. Pretty insane that they do the same thing.

  4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    This will probably come off more challenging thn intended but I have a question: What if your IPPS is doing the same exact thing to you?

    So basically… if you were to leave it wouldn’t matter much because she has options just like you do. I mean sure because we have more attachment it may hurt more but you get the idea…

    I mean in all honesty I have done that before…I have played the same game MANY times. I am certainly no stranger to sending the same texts to people at the same time or like keeping back up bitches or ‘options’ – people you would refer to as these warm secondary sources…

    When I left my ex I was talking to various people during my relationship. It just so happens I never found anyone that wowed me enough For me to seriously consider them. This particular time I was so miserable I didn’t care I didn’t have anyone to directly jump to. I mean sure, I hung out with two particular male ‘secondary sources’ maybe four days after the break up occurred… (it could have been sooner but I don’t recall the exact time span). Sometimes I would do it the next day. When I broke up with the narc before my most recent ex I saw a guy the next day.

    There were some ‘friends’ my ex knew about (a little) but never met AND there were many others he had noooo idea even existed.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      She would not be doing that.

    2. Kim e says:

      HG Why wouldn’t she be doing it? Why wouldn’t the IPPS have other friends in the side? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Why wouldn’t she be doing what?

        1. Kim e says:

          Hg. Why wouldn’t the IPPS have “friends” on the side outside the relationship with the narc?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Isolation by the narcissist.

  5. robins359 says:

    You are the only one that we want. All of our life we have waited for this moment to be with the one, you.

    Fortunately, he never said this to me. Never said he loved me and I am thankful for that, otherwise it would have been harder to leave him. I knew he was married and I was always trying to get him to say something positive about his wife. I remember one thing he told me that was good about her. “Well, she cooks a good meal BUT, I hate it when she gets in the way and tries to tell me what to do when I’m just trying to help in the kitchen”. There is always a “But” with your kind. You can never leave a compliment alone.

  6. Patricia J says:

    I am 10 weeks no contact with a Greater. Super Nova. I was with him 12 years. The last four years I did Antidotial notes on him. Two year ago I starting reading about Narcs and watching videos. I first saw how he played me with his Ex and another during the first 6 months. He convinced me he was sorry. I have tried many times to catch him doing it again. Never did, He was that good. He DEVASITATED me seconds before I left him after completely exposing him for what he was. He made a fool out of front of my replacement.
    Not only did I give him fuel….I know he will never be back. I am quite pissed off.

  7. Helen says:

    So so so true. I saw this from day one. 2 weeks after I became the primary to my ex narc, he asked me if I wanted to see a picture of his son’s mom. (I said no). Next came the prior primary, a weak devalued strung out hysterical crazy fucking lunatic who created 20+ fb profiles that she used to contact and stalk me. He was contacting her and I couldn’t understand (I know now but before this post). He couldn’t let her go he needed her. Then came another and another and still another. The relationship was crowded. I left. Then he got a new supply source and whilst starting dating her hoovered me(or tried) to no avail. I told him during the relationship that when I left (and I did) that his 3 ring circus would continue on but I’d not play. He laughed. The last thing he told me after I’d not spoken to him in 3 months was that I was the strongest person he knew. What he meant was you’re the strongest person I’ve ever tried to extract fuel from because my tactics didn’t work, and they’ve always worked so well before. I think I was the first to not play the game and go no contact. He wasn’t used to this from those he tormented. I altered his paradigm. He knows what he does, he doesn’t know what he is. The thing that saddens me the most is that he, all of you, have so much potential and you’ll never live up to it. What a waste.

  8. narc affair says:

    This says it all. If you think youre “the one and only” think again!! Its naive and foolish to think this if youre with a narcissist. Their very nature is to need many sources. Theyd rarely get all their fuel from one source and always have backup incase things go haywire with their primary.
    I see so often women know what theyre dealing with and still think they have that special something the others didnt. It shows a conceit and a foolishness that only being burned and humbled can teach otherwise. These same women/men learn that they werent any different and like the narcissist end up licking their wounds and realising truths about themselves. After the first year i realised id never be the only one and accepted it. It hasnt been easy and its not what i wouldve envisioned going along with but my situation is different from a typical primary sources.
    Narcissists need many sources and that is a fact. Triangulation is one of their favorite tools so be prepared to have competition directly ir indirectly. You are not the only one in the equation.

  9. Scout says:

    Apparently, 60% of British men cheat on their partners. In view of this unsurprising revelation it comes it shouldn’t come as a shock to find out that Narcy cheated on me. The difference of course is that in normal circumstances we would be discussing extramarital affairs, which are devastating enough, but narcissists don’t do affairs. They just use us which is far more painful.

  10. Amy says:

    I actually saw on his phone where he did this exact thing DAILY with me and his skanky ex wife..

    1. Scout says:

      Hi Amy. What exactly does skanky mean? It doesn’t sound very nice.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You are correct. It means dirty and unpleasant.

    2. Not So Sad says:

      Hi Amy .

      I’m ” curious” why you think his ex wife is a skank ? Did he tell you she is ? Have you ever met her or spoken to her ? I’m not having a go btw as I say just curious.

    3. Teresa. says:

      As someone who managed to escape a marriage with a narcissist, and build a new life for myself, and my children, I read this blog occasionally, just to remind myself how I managed – eventually – to outsmart the narc, and thrive. However, I do find it thoroughly upsetting that we – as women – are so ready to miscall and compete against previous wives, lovers, sources of supply. We are together in this: women (and sometimes men) who have been ensnared and have suffered the devastating losses of loving an illusion. The truth is that we needed to love ourselves more fully, and that was the chink in our armour which the narc spotted, and attacked, like a heat seeking missile. I would just counsel ourselves to be a little kinder to those who have gone before us, and those who will come after us (and those ‘during’ us for that matter!). Miscalling other women is just not what this is about. Rather it is about an honest – if horrifyingly painful – admission to ourselves that we were deluded, and often complicit in that – albeit unconsciously. Assuming radical responsibility for ourselves is the only salve against the devastating fallout from being with a narcissistic partner, not name calling other unfortunate souls. After all, the current/future supply could equally refer to you as ‘skank’. As an immaculately dressed, perfectly manicured art dealer/historian, I know that the ex narc miss called me, and no doubt his supply did the same – that was before she became part of the ‘moronic inferno’ which the narc labels all his ex’s. Lets have a little more humility – and kindness, don’t you think?

      1. Sarah says:

        Teresa, your words come from a place of both strength and acceptance – they are beautiful and they resonate with me.
        I think all of us are at different stages in our process with the N. At times during this process it is easy to have the wrong focus. The new partner or ex-partner are exactly that…the wrong focus as part of a turbulent journey to find the right one; ourselves!

    4. ANK says:

      Makes you feel sick doesn’t it.

      I caught him saying the same things to the new supply. It’s a script thru use often because thry know it works.

  11. gabbanzobean says:

    Oh, to be a fly on the wall.

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