Poll – Which Piece of Ever Presence Have You Retained?
Ever Presence. The device by which we sow seeds of remembrance through your relationship with us. This commences from the outset of your entanglement as we ensure, through instinct and calculation that we stitch into the fabric of your mind multiple reminders of us and the relationship between you and us.
In Exorcism I describe the impact of Ever Presence and how it enables us to maintain the emotional infection within you and that as part of your purging, you must remove Ever Presence. Of course, your emotional thinking, manifesting through nostalgia and reflection tries to cause you to hold on to those little reminders of what once was so wonderful. Whether it is that shirt we left in the wardrobe when we disengaged from you, a book that we would read from to you on a regular basis, a particular bottle of fragrance left in the bathroom or one of many gifts which we festooned upon you, you may well have been unable to remove this manifestation of Ever Presence.
In the poll are some of the most common items which our victims have failed to get rid of . Which ones are applicable to you and perhaps you would expand in the comment section on why you have been unable to purge this particular item or items.
You can choose as many as are applicable before pressing ‘Vote’.
Thank you for participating.
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Jewelry, subcompact pistol, emails/texts that I may need for court…it’s only been 5 weeks
I voted on a gift I kept, but I didn’t keep it because he gave it to me, I kept it because it was beneficial for my use. He bought me a nice set of tools when I purchased my first home and I wasn’t about to give them up just because he turned out to be a douche bag.
Jewelry, sub-compact pistol, texts/ emails as I may need them for court case
The ex-lover was a complete purge – blocked on all social media, email, all gifts and reminders gone into the trash. There are still memories attached to a few songs or events, but they are distant and carry no emotional weight anymore.
The other relationship is a bit more tricky – my mother. I have a few items around the house that are reminders of her, including my Grandmother’s well-worn cooking spoon and a few albums of family photos. The spoon I will keep as it is more a connection to my beloved aunts than my mother, but the photos … perhaps it’s time for them to be binned as well.
His music, I still enjoy listening to his songs. Sometimes they trigger me, other times, I sing along. The photos I still have, they no longer Trigger me, but the chosen After Shave still gets to me.
Like I’ve said before, the Ever Presence is a bastard. However, since first looking at this article earlier today, something has clicked. I can’t change how much our lives intersect but I can change my attitude. Instead of that dreaded feeling I get every time the EP is triggered which is constant, I have been acknowledging it & embracing it. It sounds good. But it’s only day one. I’ll see how it’s working in a week.
(As I submit this on the iPhone he bought me…)
He also took me to a fairly intimate concert of a famous Australian singer who’s music is everywhere & he is also a narcissist. I can’t stop his music being played or change his media profile. He is an icon. This one was very clever planning on the Greaters’ part.
I can’t afford to move so I’ll just stare at him through the window with binoculars until he moves. 😉
I keep telephone numbers from narcissists I have gone NC with. Their numbers are added to the phone directory in my PBX system. I either block or forward their calls so they cannot contact me and I can also see if they are hoovering me. Not all narcissists use an unknown number to hoover their targets or know how to hide their caller ID.
I have purged it all,, yet fantasies and memories of him still linger in my mind…
Wonder if complete recovery is not so far away..
Kept a carved bowl from one of many trips I was supposed to be taken. Reminds me that I deserve much better, and that I can’t be silenced with silly little trinkets. Already ate the macaroons!
A piece of clothing. I guess thats what one calls the Wedding Gown. As I type, its in a shop waiting to be sold. Id thought of burning it, one last hoorah and all that, but decided not to. No. Im going to use the money I get for it to buy a new lounge suite. Yes. Something I can sit my arse on….much more satisfying…dont you think?
I have 3 mix CD’s he made me, a couple of photos, a bottle of cologne and some pictures he drew and writings of his. (Can’t call them poems…). He’s a drummer and every time he broke a stick he would write something on it and give it to me. I don’t remember getting rid of those but not sure where they are, so maybe I did. The cologne is the killer. It’s what he used to bond me to him. He even admits it, though he claims there was no malice in it. Takes me back instantly. I wonder if he used the same cologne on everyone. Having a hard day; wanting to contact him.
This poll makes me realize that I still have many items that my ex gave me. I hate to admit that I still have pictures of us on my phone too.
I am able to look at many of these without the emotional attachment that I had a year ago. I still can’t seem to get rid of many of them.
My therapist wanted me to get rid of an item a week but i didn’t like that idea.
And I think the reason why is that I don’t want to forget her. I don’t want to look at the whole relationship like it never happened. I wish that I could I say that I’m over her and that I don’t still have a place for her in my heart but I think it’s always going to be there with or without these things.
i still think with my emotions but thanks to you HG I have a lot of logical thinking also and that has saved me.
When I was in my twenties, I kept a list with the men (boys, actually) who had been in my life. Name, age, sign, fragrance they used… Everyone was in this list-even if it was a very short, meaningless relationship. I had to remember. I still have to.The list is not written anymore (and I decided I really don’t like perfumes at all) but from time to time I bring them all in my mind, never letting the memory go. I wouldn’t want to be with any of the exes, what is over is over for good, but remembering them is honouring them -and myself. My choices, my collection. So, I always keep memorabilia. The only things I threw away were some pictures a bf in my early thirties had sent me of himself-well, let us say they were not tasteful (now I know he was definitely a narc, back then I thought he was a psycho). The things I keep don’t hurt me at all. The funny thing is that my last narcissist, the one that drove me here, in this blog, gave me nothing. I have absolutely nothing from him. Zero. I voted for “photograph”, bc I had taken 2,3 photos from his fb account (we were friends then) and stored them in a usb. I used to look at them, now I don’t even know where they are. For me it is a pity I have no items from him, something is missing from the story. But you know what hurt the most? Places. Not only places we had been together, but also shops where I had bought him a gift or spots connected with a thought I had about him or a conversation I had with him by phone. You know: I was walking on ” that” pavement, next to “that” tree, with my mobile in my hand, when he told me “this” and I felt “that”. It took me a long time to pass from certain places without feeling the pain. That was the ever presence for me.
Diva,
Yes, the children. Ever-presence is not always trash and burn or block and delete. No contact, not possible. Spheres of influence, unavoidable. The ruthless game continues, just on a different playing field.
Hi Just Me…….I understand what you are saying and how you related to my post…….however I actually meant something very different…….my circumstances are somewhat peculiar and I don’t have the ever presence experience that you have. What I meant (and I realise I wasn’t at all clear)…….was that I have a “mini me” version of the narc on my hands………in both appearance and character…….I can only hope that nurture has a bigger influence than nature………only time will tell……Diva
Keep thinking positive. Nurture makes a very big difference.
I am relying on you being right Windstorm2…….now you may realise why I read your posts with interest!!!!!! Diva
I didn’t purge until I read exorcism. I didn’t realize before reading it that I wasn’t fully going no contact until I got rid of everything.
I got rid of every memento. Every picture of him, his mother, his childhood home, you name it. I got rid of every item of clothing I ever wore with him. Every single piece of lingerie I have worn for him.
I no longer drive down a single street that reminds me of him. I don’t listen to a single song, watch a tv show or movie that reminds me of him.
You get the picture. A 99% purge. What I have kept is his number. The ringtone is a voice of someone saying “BIGGEST ASSHOLE ALIVE”. I have voice enhancement on his number. So, it reads biggest asshole alive and it announces biggest asshole alive.
I have this ringtone because HG hasn’t made us an audio file ringtone of his terrifying voice telling us not to answer. I’m calling you out, HG! This is a true need for this community that adores you. CREATE THE RINGTONE!!!
I know, I know, you’ll do it when you’re good and ready and not a moment sooner. I’ll probably have to wait longer now that I’ve demanded it.
What would you like me to say?
You are the narcissist so you have to choose what would be most effective. Something that cuts to the bone but also reminds us that the person calling wants nothing more than to do us harm. Brutal yet healing.
12345
A ringtone! Great idea. HGs voice booming out something like:
I’ll take this call!
Or
Seize the power!
In addition to reminding you not to take the call it will also remind you to come here for support. Never answer by mistake due to distraction again. Love it.
What a great idea!!! I would buy that app for sure! What do you think, HG?
I had a photo of him and his kids that was hard to get rid of but after I found H G I threw it out! His tee shirt was the hardest! Finally in the spring of 2016 I burned it! That I wouldn’t of been able to do with you HG! Thank you for all you do to keep me at least half sane! Xxx
Sorry should of been, wouldn’t of been able to do it without you HG! Xxx
I am still married but he is in prison … I’m not sure if I’m ready to put all the pieces back together because if I do there will no room for him and I don’t know if I’m ready for that … When he first went away I sold his motorcycle, an expensive mountain bike, A Tiffany’s bracelet that I never liked … I grew up thinking all this is normal my father was the same way … now that I think about it it’s funny because all the weird stuff the music the items the behavior it’s all very similar … Even if I decide to leave I can’t even go No Contact because we have a son … I’m just educating myself with info on NPD and I’m therapy … apparently I never dealt with my old ones from my childhood … Whether we stay together or divorce I want to be able to have a non toxic relationship …
Memories is all that is left… it is enough… I would like to purge those too… does hypnosis work? Maybe I will try.
The things I have kept are only from the divorce we’ve gone through, and we have a child together. I know there are pictures somewhere. I don’t care to unload them and throw them away. My time is full. There are a few articles of clothing. I don’t care to throw them away or maybe I like to wear some of them that I considered “shared” like jerseys. I sold my ring for an attorney; the diamond was flawed anyway. I have a few gifts that I’ve kept. A bracelet that is pretty, and I thought my daughter might want it one day. I also kept my gun as a licensed carrier, for obvious reasons-protection. I have to have the phone number and address due to our child. If we hadn’t had a child together or gotten married, everything would be gone. However, I love my daughter and think of her future. I simply do not care enough to dig through the pictures and other meaningless material objects that he left me with. I’ve been busy with my own life and growing from my experiences. My daughter may want to see them as she grows. That will be up to her. If it were up to me, he would no longer exist in my life…everything I have, is considered a part of my past. I do not care about it. It only reminds me that I have a future ahead of me, in which he will not be the center of ever again. The love was lost many, many years ago…I don’t care.
From your list, a phone number. And not because I can’t find it again, it’s public for his business. Just reminds me of when it meant something, when i thought I meant something to him, to put it into my phone . I will never call it’s it’s just the reminder of when I thought he actually cared
A telephone number and address only because of children being involved and having to abide by courts orders. We only contact through email or a textfree app not even using our real phone numbers bc she is so crazy. We throw away or burn anything we come across that has her face or name on it. We try to keep 0 memories
There are a couple of songs that trigger the ever presence.
Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud and Jon Pardi’s Head Over Boots.
So whenever those songs come on I just switch over and start listening to Five Finger Death Punch-Burn Motherf*cker.
Now that amused me.
Only the memories, and I am always trying to purge those. Meditation, mind exercises, spiritual cleansing and forgiveness practices. I’ve tried it all yet he persist.
Great poll! I think about this daily running scenerios thru my head how itd be without him and i cant even imagine it hes sowed himself so deeply into my world itd break my heart for sure 🙁
I didnt vote bc none of the items hes given me are what would cause the most everpresence and i wish it were an item bc to purge that would be a lot easier! The everpresence with my narc would be the memories of things we shared together, ways hes made me laugh, his daily calls and msgs, the way i could depend on him to always be there, the way i could be my silly self and he never criticized this, how wed have the most incredible conversations and discuss world news, sharing our interests, our intimacy. Theres so much everpresence thered be a massive empty hole and this terrifies me and the fact i do love him regardless of the narcissism. That being all said i do know our relationship is limited and was from the start. As well, everything ive listed i could write another list of the ways hes devalued me so i dont say it with my head in the clouds.
If we were to part ways a piece of me would be gone forever and this is something ive had to accept. When you love someone and you lose them you lose a part of yourself and theres no way around that. Everpresence is the biggest stumbling block to no contact there is and purging the internal everpresence is the most difficult. I could get rid of almost any item but its the reminders in the mind that are the most difficult to purge.
Narc Affair
That is too true. You can get rid of triggering objects, but it’s the triggering memories that are hardest to purge. You can think you’re way over them, then some mental association will trigger a cascade of hurtful memories you had deep buried long ago.
Oh, this really spoke to me NA. I had an affair with my narc too. He came into my life during a difficult time and the sun rose and set with him for a full 6 months of my life. I could count on his glorious messages every morning and his sweet words would lull me to sleep every night. We talked for hours each day and he knew every single dark corner of my mind. I miss it every single day…I wasn’t discarded or disengaged. I saw the signs long ago but recently started listening to my “gut” and decided to take the initiative to cut those tethers. It’s been an extremely difficult 12 days now but I’ve remained strong. Best wishes to you sweetheart.
I returned all of the gifts,except for one. It is going in the garbage today. I still have his phone number but that is so I can keep him blocked. Blocked every social media site I could find him on. I still have the photos, texts and emails. I will keep those for awhile longer. They came in handy when I found out about his other girlfriend. I guess I don’t really need them anymore. I know the truth, now. I am so grateful for the knowledge that you shared HG. It’s been a painful rollercoaster ride but everyday I get one day closer back to me. Thank you
This is a strange one, but I met him because we were admins on some main sites for a video game series. He’s a big presence in the series, often working with the game company to promote the series and being a main source for news and info. It’s a game series that has been my favourite for so many years, but as long as I play it his presence is there. We also share many mutual friends who love this series, and I wouldn’t want to end those friendships. They’re really important to me…
When I moved house the last item I had was a rather cute stuffed bunny it gave me after watching The Green Mile .. ( after I cried my eyes out )
For a long time I cherished it because it was it was one of the only times I ever actually felt ” loved ”
On the day I left..Bunny was LOCKED in the wardrobe .. & I walked 🙂
Purged everything except his boxer shorts. I intend to return them after I’ve worn them over winter. 😀
It is not the objects, emails, pics, smells, tastes, places etc…that need to be erased
The restaurants will still be there and they’re good!
I don’t want not use and admire the exquisite handmade teapot he gave me, or be rendered unable to enjoy the fabulous musicians we listened to.
If I allowed him to ruin the enjoyment of those things he for sure would have created ‘ever presence’.
It’s the sentiments they trigger that I need to reconcile with. The grief.
The reality that he is a troubled individual and that it wasn’t my fault.
I keep everything from everybody (good or bad) because it is a memorable way to keep a diary of my life. The items which I have kept act as a personal journal and never create a need or want to make contact with anybody from my past if the friendship or relationship has broken down. These things do not trigger uncontrollable feelings in me.
well then, it’s only fitting .😉
‘sexuality’ is the lingering presence.
I thought that would NEVER go away. It was the one thing that kept me coming back , begging and acting like a crazy fool for SIX YEARS. I had not been with anyone but him even with his multiple sexual encounters with so many others and many more whom I’ll never know about. After our last two disappointing intimate reunions, that yearning disappeared. I never felt that could EVER be possible. Keep going. You’ll get there.
I haven’t totally purged because he is evil. Downright so bad that he actually messaged me to see if I still have his pictures. Its not because I still love him, its for proof if he decides to come back and threaten me or even kill me. I believe through knowledge that he has killed and injured women in the past.
I have even turned his info over to the police and FBI.
I don’t know how they get away with it but my ex narc’s last two girlfriends died of ‘drug overdoses’ while with him. Thank God my family and loved ones know I never have and never will do the types of drugs they had in their system when they died. P.S. He was their drug dealer.
**CC*** This comment triggered a memory… My 2nd ex husband narc, (cerebral greater) renowned defense attorney…. his second wife that he tried to disentangle with, mysteriously died of a drug overdose. he had the body immediately cremated and ashes dispersed, NO EVIDENCE & no one suspected HIM!!!! I lived in fear he’d kill me when i was with him & also after I escaped…. i was smarter than her, I know how to survive… Except now this threat of Irma….. I was going to stay but decided to evacuate…. If I die, Narc Husband #3 would “win” He is staying & I hope Karma pays him a visit, as RS stated previously… My empathy lies within the sea and land creatures that are not able to leave, but their instincts, hopefully, will guide them…. 🙏🏼
Hi C☆…I was going to say you can trace some poisons and drugs in cremated remains but being he dispersed them makes this not a possibility. The fact he is an attorney would give him inside knowledge especially if hes involved in criminal cases. He would know what tk do with any evidence. Thats scary and im glad you got out! It could be too she did drug overdose from being in that relationship. Theres many ways to murder a person 🙁
Also stay safe during irma. My mum and stepdad are in orlando as of today so hopefully wont be as impacted.
I couldn’t bring myself to throw all the stuff he sent to me but at least they’re out of my sight…
Hi sunflower…id be the same way. Out of sight but there when you want to revisit that part of your life but making sure it wouldnt influence you to go back
The bastard still keep my stuff … idiot!
Sometimes it is just better to cut and run and fuck the stuff…
I agree with the doc!….. don’t fight the battles, win the war!💣
I’m in my third week of NC/silent treatment/discard or whatever it is. And it seems that the pieces he left were not enough to me. I’ve just bought his favourite book… it’s not by chance that that book is “Narcissus and Goldmund” by Herman Hesse.
My sound cloud account is a big reminder. But I love music and will keep it. It was a HUGE means for communicating. Whether I was
golden or being devalued. I still avoid songs that are embedded in my mind. I purged every photo and email. I still keep his contact info. I don’t even know if it’s current. I keep it as a way to identify him if he tries to email or call. At least that’s what I tell myself. His number is blocked but he can leave messages. His email goes into the trash but I can still read it. He may have changed it all but I haven’t tried to reach him for several months and he has quieted down and given up on trying elicit a response from me. I kept all the jewelry. I love it and I have disassociated it from him. Only thing I purged was a delicate body which I took a hammer to and mailed back to him. I paid for that. He made sure of it. I wish I could purge every street corner that I stood on crying to him on the phone. I try to avoid these places but there are so many it’s not easy. Same with hotels we would meet up in. There are many unexpected reminders that appear in places and I imagine they’re signs from the Universe warning me to never go back.
A t-shirt, a journal, three poems, two photographs and a Depeche Mode album I listened to all throughout our relationship.
The t-shirt became an article of strong remembrance, or everpresence, for almost two decades that I slept in and painted in. It sits in a box.
All the rest became ash two years after we were together and thrown out to sea.
Perhaps the box cutter needs to meet that t-shirt but I’m afraid only better memories that are powerful enough to erase the moonlit kissing, firefly summer, and passionate fire turned to rubble will ever replace it after all this time.
Objects mean very little in the end compared to the memories of a lifetime, or a nightmare of fire.
Your post reminds me that I can never purge the Moon. If I had a dollar for every text, song and email about the Moon, I would be an heiress.
Funny, I was just thinking this morning that I really did not keep anything that reminded me of him. The only reminder I still have is when I drive in front of the building where he still works on my way to work or my way home. I really cannot avoid it. I do not mind though.
So I have purged it all (except for that building :-))
I still have his photos on my phone, and my daughters devices. These need to be deleted. My daughter still plays some videos I took of them together and hearing his voice sends shivers up my spine. I do not look at them with longing for him.
I still have all the jewelry he gave me. Wearing my Movado watch right now. I love this watch. As I look at it, I do not feel any emotion attached to him. I do have a diamond ring, pair of earrings and diamond heart necklace (how sweet!) that I will sell when I get the chance. The extra cash will be super nice. There are a few other pieces I have that I just really like.
I traded in my car. Nex did the lease deal on my last one. That car was full of memories. When the dealership called to say…. Hey! Great Deals!!! I took the opportunity to get rid of it. I love the new car! Different color scheme altogether, and no memories of him attached. It was after this change I really began to feel detached from him.
I renovated my entire house 4 years ago. He put a nice chunk of change into this. I can not afford to buy all new furniture etc. But I am making some changes like tiling my fireplace, moving some furniture around. New towels, that kind of thing.
Since getting my belongings back, I feel free. Really free.
Couldn’t have done it without you HG!
Grateful,
Peaceful.
You are welcome Peaceful.
None of the above… I retained one of the homes and all the contents as there was a restraining order attached that I could not remove, sell or destroy anything. Eventually, his goal is to take it all, and our other home in the tropics. But I’m hoping the hurricane Irma settles that, lol… iHe is in it and it is right on the coast and will be taking a direct hit, and I hope he is one of the casualties!!!! I love the forces of Nature!!! 🌊🌊🌊💦💦💧💨🌪🌧🌨⛈🌩
I wish I knew how to put a picture on here but one of my favorites is of a woman wearing red high heals and it says “I hope Karma is wearing stilettos when she kicks your ass”!. I will keep my fingers crossed that she is wearing them for your ex-narc! 😄
RS…I hope he has that exact image in his mind of ME, incidentally, my legal name is very similar to Karma….
purged, minus a few documents I have that I need still, but once done those will be gone too. sadly even the divorce decree has his name on it. I suppose at some point that will have to be dredged up…
Photos (the children are in them too including his IPPS) and books: Chicken Soup With Rice, Pierre, Alligators All Around and One Was Johnny; all by Maurice Sendak.
When I think about the 2 narcissist I was in back to back domestic relationships, they had completely different ever presence. The first one, was older, and was a public figure, and he was very concerned about His image. His gifts were so odd. The gifts were often jewelry that he wanted me to wear to look the part of the role he a signed to me. After we split, it felt of relief to get rid of anything that had to do with him. The jewelry felt like a ball and chain. Right after that, I got into a relationship, with a bachelor, George Clooney type, who often dated models and such for only a short period of time. I worked so hard to be beautiful for him. He took pride in his classy taste. He only had the best of the best, and gave the best. It was so hard to get rid of the sexy photos of us out on the town, the Italian leather shoes he gave for Christmas, even certain songs remind me of being ecstatic while riding in his BMW convertible after making love. It’s hard to find someone who can top the good moments. When I pull out the text messages he sent me, I remember what a jerk he was.
I purged it all. There are some pictures of him/us that still swim around in my head from time to time but that is all. In time, they will be gone too.
I am not affected by the longing feelings of ever presence youre describing, since I have never longed to recreate or recapture a relationship I have lost. What I am affected by is a sort of ugly, depressing ever presence when an object, smell, etcetera will bring up memories of unhappiness.
Because of that I have gotten rid of almost everything from my childhood, parents and married home. Not because these objects brought up happy memories I wish I could recapture, but because they trigger horrible memories of loneliness and hopelessness. My home is filled entirely with things that bring me joy.
Windstorm2
Ha ha I will have to say I have my moments when what was done affects me negatively. Yet the positive thing from what my ex did is I am recreating my world that suits me. He stripped from me everything I held on to for so long. My family, my husband etc….In the long run he did me a favour…..
Ever presence is always there I just have to see the upside to the negative when I was packing and moving I came across a small box of things from my relationship with him. I opened it let the memories of those particular moments run, he is no longer part of my life now, but he is a part of my life I can not change, I can only accept, it is my choice to keep the good, learn from the bad and improve myself. Or stay stuck pissed off and miserable.
Thank you again Windstorm2 just for listening. I am feeling much better today. The sun is out and this insane mess will soon be organized. Then off to the woods I go.
Maybe I will figure out how to get my picture back on here. It seems depending on which way I come to the blog my picture follows. I see a new lessonnto be learned…..
Twilight
Glad you’re feeling better! You must be a diligent worker if you’re about all unpacked and organized! I’d probably take 2-3 weeks.
Enjoy the woods! I’ve been sitting on my porch grading papers for someone and enjoying the beautiful fall-like day today. And yes, there are always new lessons to be learned. Keeps life from getting boring!
Hi Windstorm2
Ha ha no I just like to have things put away as soon as possible. That and I don’t turn of the lights at night, I have enough bruises from moving stuff forget about walking into something in the dark
Sadly I was called into work today to shadow a trainee, someone had to be responsible for the money…..I will be going on my next day off thou.
Hi Twilight!!!
How are you doing???
I agree with you about keeping the good. It hurts my whole being to only think of the bad and all of the manipulations. That’s not me and it’s what was holding me back. I have to be me.
I haven’t figured out pictures yet but I finally figured out what Indy was trying to tell me about unsubscribing to some articles. I was above the limit. Lol
I use it as an ashtray……………. 🙂
I have a photo of us on our wedding day and one of him when we returned from a trip to Texas. These I have in a scrap book for a book that I’m writing and getting published this year. I haven’t looked at them in awhile. I have his current phone number but have gone NC with him for 8 months. There is no urge to contact him so I’m not sure why I still have that.
A child is the biggest “ever presence” in my mind but I guess you mean objects……in that case,,,,,,I have purged everything apart from a piece of art. This no longer reminds me of him in any shape or form, but I like it so much that I am just not prepared to part with it….I now see it as mine and not his. Diva
Not ready purge just yet, but hopefully in time……