Here’s My Card

Image result for business card bateman

It is a beautiful day. The kind of day that feels full of possibilities. The sun shines in the cornflower blue firmament, birdsong fills the air as the scent of grass, flowers and optimism hangs heavy. You stand at your window and look out across the view of your well-tended garden and then the fields beyond, stretching away to the hills in the distance. Your time is your own and you stand considering not only what you will do this gorgeous day but what is next for you and your life. What direction will you take it in? Where will your steer your good ship to? There have been some stormy waters in the past but you navigated them and jettisoned that unnecessary cargo which threatened to sink you and here you are now with so many choices, so many options and opportunities available to you, unhindered by others that may seek to impose their own values and decisions on to you. You are freedom personified although you must admit there are times when you would welcome someone to share this unparalleled freedom with, but there is no rush to achieve this. It will happen when it happens, you believe in such things. As you continue to look out across the view, the telephone rings and you break off from your thoughts to answer the telephone.

“Hello,” you declare into the receiver. You hear a voice, clear, confident, warm and strangely inviting, speaking to you.

“Hello, I am Mr Saul Mate calling from Somnium Incorporated and I just wanted to let you know that I am able to deliver whatever you require twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year. Remember it is all about you. Thank you for your continued custom.”

The call ends.

You smile and replace the receiver. It rings again and you answer.

“Hello, Mr Saul Mate calling from Somnium Incorporated. Please remember I am by your side even when I am not there and I am always ready to attend to anything you require. What you need, I provide. Thank you for your continued custom.”

The call ends again and as you stand contemplating this call there is the ping of a message on your mobile phone. You replace the landline receiver and walk over to where your mobile rests on the sideboard. You pick it up and see you have a text message from a number that you do not recognise. You open the message nevertheless.

“Somnium Incorporated – taking you to a new level in the provision of delight and joy.”

The landline rings again and you mutter as you answer.

“Yes?” “Hello, Mr Saul Mate calling from Somnium Incorporated. We have undertaken an extensive profiling exercising which puts us in the optimum position to understand all your needs and most importantly satisfy them. Every. Single. Time. Thank you for your continued custom.”

“Look, I haven’t ordered anything from you,” you protest but the line goes dead.

Another message arrives on your ‘phone.

“Somnium Incorporated – just say it and you will have it. Heaven awaits when you let us take care of you.”

There is a noise from your laptop and you replace the receiver and walk to the computer to find an e-mail from

“Dear Customer, we just wanted to let you know how much we adore looking after your every need. You are very special to us in fact you are the only one we want to serve.”

“What is going on?” you ask yourself aloud. Your ‘phone pings again and the sound of an e-mail arriving rings out. You are about to look at these messages when your doorbell rings.

“What now?” you mutter.

You open your front door to find a courier stood there holding a huge bouquet of flowers.

“Good morning miss, delivery for Miss Victoria Tim,” he smiles. He hands you the bouquet and walks away. There is a card attached and you read it.

“For you dear customer who we will always serve and provide for no matter what – Somnium Inc.”

You carry the flowers inside which are admittedly beautiful as you hear something being shoved through your letterbox. You place the flowers down and return to the door to see several flyers in different styles and colours have been pushed through your letterbox. All of them are from Somnium Inc. and contain a variety of promises, declarations and plaudits concerning you and them. The doorbell rings and you pull the door open in irritation, still clutching the flyers. You can hear your landline ringing again and the repeated pinging of your mobile phone and chime of your laptop. A different courier stands at the door this time with a parcel which he hands to you.

“Victoria Tim?” he asks and you nod.

“Just sign here please,” he says with a smile and pushes the signing device towards you. You oblige and he wishes you a lovely day as you retreat inside with the parcel which bears a tag.

“From Somnium Inc. to our best and most wonderful customer, we want to serve you forever.”

You shake your head and put the parcel down to answer the landline.

“Hello, Mr Saul Mate here just calling to remind you how special you are to us and how we will only ever have your best interests at heart.” The doorbell rings again.

“Stop calling this number!” you shout and slam the phone down. You snatch up your mobile and see 25 messages have arrived all from the same number. You glance at a couple of the messages.

“We just wanted to let you know that we have never had a customer like you before. You are unique in every way and we just want to give you everything you deserve – Somnium Inc.

“We have never felt this way about one of our customers before it is like we have been sent from corporate heaven to make you happy forever – Somnium Inc.”

The landline rings again but you ignore it. You can hear more chiming from your laptop and you see that your inbox is filling with e-mails from the same source; You let out a cry as the doorbell rings once again and flinging the door open, phone ringing in the background you are confronted by a line of couriers who snake down your pathway and onto the road beyond. They are all carrying items such as flowers, parcels, baskets, balloons and such like.

“Delivery for Miss Victoria Tim,” they all announce in unison and provide you with a winning smile and a wink of the eye.

“Go away!” you shout, ” I do not want them. I don’t have anything to do with Somnium Inc.!”

You slam the door and march back into the living room as the landline keeps on ringing, your mobile pings incessantly and the chiming coming from your laptop will not stop. More flyers land on the doormat as you fling your mobile to one side, placing your hands over your ears trying to drown out this cacophony but to no avail. You hear a loud knocking at your front door as the chiming, ringing and pinging continues. You curse and wait. You consider going to the internet to find the details about this company Somnium Inc. and Mr Saul Mate in readiness of making a complaint. This is harassment. No company should be acting in this fashion and anyhow, where did they get your details from? How did they know your telephone numbers, e-mail address and residential address? You never gave them out. The knocking at the door continues and you stomp to the front door.

“I said I – ” you begin as you wrench the door open expecting to find the line of waiting couriers but there is nobody there. Your eyes look down to the doormat on your porch floor and there is crisp white calling card with black embossed letters. You stoop and snatch it up, the din of ringing and alerts seeming to fade as your attention is drawn by this card. You read it.

“Sorry we missed you, we will call again.”

The name Saul Mate is in one corner and Somnium Inc. is in another corner. You look across the lawn but there is nobody there. You go to the front gate and look left and right along the avenue but it is empty.

If any company or organisation treated, you in this manner you would complain. This behaviour is our calling card and you not only embrace it but you want it. And you call us the twisted ones?

20 thoughts on “Here’s My Card

  1. Tiddlywink says:

    This had me in hysterics.. such brilliant writing.. u r so talented HG…nice to laugh at the ridiculousness of narc behavior such as this!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Glad you enjoyed it Tiddlywink.

  2. abrokenwing says:

    The way Patrick Bateman maintained his body and strive for self-improvement plus his pedantry reminds me of my ex husband.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Would he only ever eat somewhere is he had a reservation?

      1. abrokenwing says:

        You’re back ! 🤗

        No , it wasn’t so much about where and who with but rather what he was eating .
        He is very body conscious. Balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine plus tennis, swimming , cycling.. He is very good at all those things and having very strong willpower and self discipline ( something he despises me for ) he was always setting challenges for himself.
        At some point he started making smoothies with the products he bought – kale , spinach, quinoa, chia and all other superfoods and that’s all he had all day ( no food after 6pm ) looking with contempt and disgust at my plate.
        Blender was one of the first things he packed up when moving out.

  3. C★ says:

    Edgy film…. I recommend it

  4. Anna says:

    Brilliant piece of satire, HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  5. Lisa says:

    HG, this may be my favorite post so far. That’s because it’s the first one that made me smile about this situation. For once, I felt like I could laugh about it so thank you for painting the portrait of a narc maniac in a clear way with a tinge of hunour. Shows how ridiculous this has been.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Humour is a sign of progress, Lisa.

  6. Twilight says:

    Christian Bale one of my favorite actors
    First movie I ever saw with him was Equilibrium

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He is a superlative actor. His performances in both American Psycho and The Machinist are scintillating.

      1. Twilight says:

        I agree

  7. Findinglife11 says:

    Interesting spin there HG….

  8. Merripen says:

    The obnoxious “tugging at the pant leg” is so very appropriate, as narcs are emotionally about as developed as a toddler. But, oh my god, it’s so true. I WANTED to drink that toddler’s Kool Aid!

  9. Jenna says:

    I love this one.
    Funny u use the name frm ‘american psycho’ on the card.

  10. Bliss says:

    That was my reaction at the beginning because essentially yes, it’s harassment. Wasn’t as bad as others had it but enough that I told friends he was way too forceful and persistent. Then I gave in… wasn’t long before I fell head over heels in love with him. I still regret that day I gave in.

  11. Diva says:

    “This behaviour is our calling card and you not only embrace it but you want it.”

    Yes so true…..I realise the symbolic meaning in this article but it resonates with me for a different reason. I have a habit of leaving my computer on 24/7……it pings all hours through the day and night and in the morning I have 40, 50 or 60 emails from this blog. Yes I embrace it and yes I want it……..however I look forward to the day when I no longer need it. I realise that I have replaced real narc with virtual narc and sadly that too will have to end at some stage.

    During my short time here, many individuals have either enlightened me, made me laugh or posted stories that I have resonated with. There have been highs, lows, agreements, disagreements but beyond all of that, there is a common bond that binds us all and for those reasons, and many more, giving up virtual narc is going to be much tougher than giving up real narc!!!!!! Real narc was never this interesting. Never mind….I will be here a while yet…..I still have much to learn and I am far from cured!!!!!!…….I await the further pings!!!!……..Diva

  12. RS says:

    If it was a company you had never from or used before, yes, I would complain. Your kind do it after you have met us, and/or bed us. Big difference.

  13. Kimi says:

    “…This behavior is our calling card and you not only embrace it but you want it…”

    And we crave it once you and the behavior have gone, much like a junkie craves heroin. The process is addiction embedding and yes, you and I are both twisted!

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