Poll – What Has Narcissism Cost You?
Everything has a price and narcissism is no different. What has narcissism cost you? Did you find yourself paying for anything or even defrauded as the savings accounts were emptied and you found loans in your name that you did not even take out? Perhaps it has cost you friendships as you fell out with those around you or you had to cut off an innocent parent when going no contact with a narcissistic parent? Maybe you were left suffering from anxiety and hyper vigilant, your sense of security snatched away and you no longer felt safe? Did you lose your home? Has it cost you a relationship with a child? Perhaps you feel it has taken your sense of who you are?
Whether this cost appears permanent or it was a temporary state of affairs and you have brought about recovery or restitution, do share your thoughts. Choose as many of the options as are applicable before casting your vote and as ever, please do expand on your situation in the comments.
Thank you for participating.
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hg- my midrange ex would always say he can only completely trust his dad and sister (his mom is dead). isn’t that weird? why completely trust them and no one else? is that a sign they might be narcs too?
No, it was a sign he was triangulating you with them. We do not trust anybody.
This poll was very thought provoking bc its made me stop and really look at the cost of narcissism in my life mainly with my narc affair.
I chose in voting my sense of self, family, sanity, health/looks and trusting people. That said im very stubborn and i refuse to look at it as a total cost bc we can take away good from a bad situation in life and that includes narc abuse. I wont allow it to destroy me. I look at myself as a survivor not a victim.
Sense of self…before i met the narc i felt more self assured and never worried how i came across as much to people. As a result of the emotional rollercoaster of being with a narc i feel less sure of myself and how people see me. Im more afraid of peoples reactions to things i say or do bc ive been walking on eggshells and have a hard time predicting how my narc will react to things said or done. The devaluing has really lowered my self esteem and image. I used to feel attractive but hes made me feel at times that im not. I never really know where i stand in his eyes. So yes my sense of self has been damaged.
Family…the time ive invested being with my narc has taken away from time with my family. When hes devalued me its caused me to be so upset its affected how i am in my family life. Being involved in a narc affair has further created distance between my hubby and i.
Sanity…the devaluing and distrust has made me at times feel paranoid and suspicious most of the time always wondering when the other shoe will drop or what hes got going on behind the scenes. The cyclic abuse has made me question my ability to make proper decisions and ive second guessed myself often. The gaslighting before i knew what it was had me thinking it was me and i was the one with the problems with trust.
Health/looks….in the early years of the relationship when the devaluing was at its worst i constantly feared him abandoning me and was obsessed over who he was with. I would dwell on the worst case scenerios and question why he would do these things and if it really was the way id seen it. I wasnt getting much sleep and the stress affected my health in various ways. My hair would shed when i was under a lot of strain during devalues, i lost weight and im already on the thin side, i was shakey and very emotional. Since learning about narcissism this has eased up as a result to being better able to understand and handle the abuse. Ive learned how stress affects health and the adrenal glands and can cause tiredness which has been another symptom of the abuse. Constant stress can trigger disease in the body and ive tried successfully in lowering my stress.
Trusting people…this area has been deeply impacted. Gone are the days of benefit of the doubt. I base my opinions of people on how they are over a span of time and even then im cautious. Narc abuse has stolen the innocence i once had in trusting people but i wont allow it to sour my willingness to give people a chance and sometimes a second chance. I do trust my gut feeling more than i did before the abuse and if someones showing signs theyre narcissistic i wont have anything to do with them or very little.
The abuse has impacted me in various ways good and bad. There is a cost to being involved with a narcissist bc they take take take until youve got nothing more then they shelf or throw you away like you meant nothing.
My sex drive …. lol
I’m sure everyone knew my answer lol.
I hate that i had to give up vulnerability and a bit of feminine energy to become independent and live from a place of discernment, instead of trust. I hate how i someone is always trying to sabatoge my life, and there is no sense in talking sense.
Going through the divorce with one narc in a full battle mode and seeing another one at the same time inflicted a lot of damage to my sanity.
The divorce cost me a lot of money but it bought me my freedom so I consider it as a investment.
I managed to take over the mortgage and secure the house for my children which was my priority.
I have lost my looks and desire to see people although this is slowly changing now . I recognize myself again when I look in the mirror and I started seeing my friends again.
It’s hard to say now what this experience will cost me in the long term as I’m still recovering. My self esteem is crashed. I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust someone or build a healthy relationship but I don’t think about it now .
I have my life back.
Amy, you speak for many of us, here on this forum. I for one, have similarities to your story, except, I went through this twice and now,
on my third time. thank you for sharing…𝐶★
why did you give him (or anyone) access to YOUR savings account?
Honestly, any losses I occurred were temporary and were within myself. I’m an empath, however his behavior and issues at the end ignited something in me that lead to me not only rallying but finding a strength within myself I wasn’t aware I had once pushed to the edge by him. Something clicked and I refused to be taken down by him. It surprised even me. So the temporary answer is friends and self worth. Both of which have returned to me and then some.
I voted trust, but it was only my trust in him, not others.
He cost me nothing, I have not been able to regain.
3 Narc husbands took everything but my pride, no one gets to have that but ME!
The main thing I lost — and regret — was 10 years of my life, when I could have been building a healthier life for myself and perhaps finding a relationship with a normal man.
H.G. may I may a request for a topic for u to write about please? If so, i was wondering if u could write something with a list of actions and how a neurotical person typically acts/responds/reacts and the counter to that, how an NPD does it. Thank u
I’ve been trough some hardship and pain but it’s all gone. It isn’t there anymore. I didn’t forgive him, maybe I did but it doesn’t matter. I understood.
Going back in time I really felt myself alone when I remembered it all. All those moments I thought I had lived with him, I saw it was just me, I felt it. It really was all smoke and mirrors. I didn’t want to see it back then. Now I do.I accepted it, just like I can accept the things I can’t control. It doesn’t bother me.
We still talk, sometimes, he’s the same man I fell in love with years ago. Still attracted to him but I won’t get in bed with him. It’s not going to happen. I am dating other men also. I want to find the right one. That’s the bottom line for me.
Hello HG, hope you are doing well, as always.
Everything, my sanity
I had to leave my home over an abusive neighbour and sever ties with family members. I haven’t seen my aunt in 16 years.
I lost my rich friendships and relationships with family, over $10,000, my job, my musical relationships and passion for playing music(I’ve played violin for 30 years and it’s a reason the narc “fell in love” with me), I lost my mental and physical health( developed major depressive disorder, acute anxiety, ptsd, and Graves’ disease after being strangled by the narc, also contracted genital herpes and hpv), lost my confidence and ability to trust. I lost everything for a time. Absolute devastation, total wreckage…
That was a very difficult read…….after reading your post I count myself as one of the lucky ones……..I hope you have also “lost” your narc…….Diva
That sounds terrible, Rachida! Sorry you went through that. It really is total wreckage. Like a tornado blew through your life.
MISSED YOU HG…. They say you don’t realize and appreciate what you have till it is gone…. that’s for sure! I appreciate You, but didn’t realize how much! Glad you are back! i♥︎hg
Thank you C Star.
One thing I really regret is the lost time I could have spent with my daughter. Six lost years. My energy was wasted on my MMRN.
Hi K…..what age was your daughter during the “lost 6 years?” Are you able to claw any of those years back or is that an impossible mission? My kids were partly the reason I made the move to escape and they also helped me to deflect the hoovers. If you don’t wish to answer my questions I understand……no pressure from me…..Diva
Diva,
She was born in 2010, so ages 0-6. I spent a lot of time with her, in the physical sense, but I was too tired and sad to enjoy much of it. Towards the end (2014-2016), I was trying to figure out how to get rid of her dad. He is gone now and it is so much better. I am happier now.
Hi K…..we have much in common….including a daughter of the same age…..I am pleased that she is young enough for you to rectify any issues that need addressing……..you have time on your side……..make the most of it……..it’s certainly not too late. Don’t be too hard on yourself…..it is a tough business being a single mother but also very rewarding …..it is my belief that single mothers try much harder than ones in a relationship. We try and over compensate for what we perceive to be our failure of the relationship and in turn the kids not having a Dad that is present……..that is what I do in any case!!!!!…….Diva
K, i am glad u r happier now. U deserve it, and i am sure u can make up for the time u feel u lost with ur daughter. Consistent happy times make up for difficult times very quickly for innocent children.
100,000$ in savings.
He was using my bank account to gift his other women with.
He sold the equipment I needed to do my job with out from under me.
He has been able, even a year later, to turn my friends & have them tell me how I’m demonizing him & making his life hell.
I see a silhouette of him at my door every night in fear he might actually show up.
I’m terified of being abused & taken advantage of the same way by another person.
My family was not affected & gratefully we had no children.
Hello HG,
So good to see you back on the blog! I really miss reading your enlightening and sometimes humorous comments when you are off running your empire! Still very grateful for the consistency of your posts…
Have you considered selecting a few trusted moderators? You have plenty of honest and faithful Empaths to choose from here, to do as you direct.
Thank you Kimi.
No, I do not trust anybody to do it and besides people want me, not someone body else.
100% HG or nothing at all for me. Great articles to ponder and a chance to get caught up on in your absence as the silver lining HG, but always glad of your return.
Thank you NA.
I understand HG and my favorite part of the interaction is that you participate! I only meant assistance posting the reader’s comments (not directed to you), in order to keep the discussions flowing. Ah, but there remains the trust issue!
Yes I can see the merit in that, but I of course like to read what is being said, even when the conversation is not directed to me.
Kimi, don’t forget if one of hg’s ex’s makes a comment here abt how much she hates him, including personal details, he needs to delete those. Thus, he must moderate everything. He is all over youtube, twitter, fb. There is a possibility that at least a few of his ex’s must have recognized his voice by now. And he would never let her come here and comment abt their relationship would he? Rather, she would have to be punished for her ‘treachery.’
None have commented here.
I find this unbelievable! (Though i do believe u). But, nobody has recognized ur voice or researched what they had been entangled with?! How? Why not? Maybe they are too scared of u. Ah, that explains it.
You got there. They may recognise me, but they know better than to do anything about it.
A childhood
A mothers love
Siblings (literally because she miscarried more than once and also because I became a stand in mother for the others and it changed the sibling dynamic)
Friends
Trust
The feeling of safety and security
An education (and therefore opportunity)
Parenthood
Being nurtured for any skills that I had that would enrich my life instead of what would be useful to others
The experience of receiving and reciprocating love in an intimate relationship (or any relationship really)
To experience sex as anything but power.
To be unable to navigate life without being jaded and unguarded
Choice. These things were denied me due to someone elses choice and need to deal with things in her own way (as I am often reminded by others).
The list goes on, but in a nutshell…
I would say I feel I have spent a life responding to things instead of living my life, so… the ability to know who I really am or was intended to be.
Do you have an essay called “Predator”? There was no part of my life he did not permeate with his slime. Im not a good empath…I fight back. Justice is my thing. Crime is his.
Checked boxes with a different long-term relationship in mind, which I haven’t written about here yet.
Money cost included the purchase of a car which I was denied much choice in what car it is (aside from colour), and then both he and the dealer didn’t allow me to sign my name anywhere though it was 100% my personal savings purchasing the car. It was a surreal experience.
When I would try asserting that I don’t think something is really necessary as an add-on to the vehicle, remarks were made like “well you hold the purse strings” in an unkind tone, and I was getting looks from the dealer as though I was controlling his finances and not my own purse.
So many times I should have said buy it yourself and just walked away…
Trust in people. I can barely imagine what that feels like anymore.
Bizarrely……my trust in people still remains undiminished……that is a problem to me……..Diva
you are missing a huge one, HG : my freedom
because until we heal, truly heal, there remains a cage in place even after we’ve walked away. The anxiety, panic attacks, the nightmares, the PTSD/ C-PTSD, the fight or flight mode, the fear, the misplaced hope that they might have changed when they return to hoover, the fear and trust of strangers, the loss/ lack of family and friends, and so much more…
all of that means our freedom is gone. Until we heal and become strong and regain our sense of self and our confidence, the cage, even as it’s door remains opened for us, remains.
It is only once that cage lifts and we have healed, that we grew stronger and have transformed into a new self, one that will not be ensnared anymore, are we truly free once more.
My trust in pple – i trusted that it was true love. If something that felt so real was untrue, then i don’t know who to trust anymore.
I also lost trust in one of my best friends during this experience. She asked me to confide in her upon seeing me crying one day. I told her it will tear us apart, and that i cannot confide in her. She promised me it will not tear us apart, and asked me to pour my heart out to her as it will make me feel better. I still resisted. She hugged me, and said it will bring us even closer than we already are, and encouraged me further to tell her everything. I gave in. I believed her. I told her everything. A yr later, she told me i am never to talk abt my situation again or she will no longer be my friend. She said it is her ‘condition’ for remaining friends. I went NC w her.
Feeling secure and safe – i started suffering intense, one week panic attacks when he used to cancel at the last minute. Eventually, i told him this, so he stopped such behavior.
My desire to see pple – i had isolated myself frm my friends for months, feeling depressed when he was not around
Friendships – see above, related to trust. But i will soon break NC w her, after regaining some more strength, and discuss our friendship. I hope it goes well.
My libido – I thought he was giving me love when we had sex. He told me that he loves me more than i love him, how he only wants to be alone w me, ie. doesn’t want others around when we are together, how he thinks abt me “1000x” per day, and more. Two yrs later, he told me the sex was ‘situational.’ It hurt. I no longer have a desire for sex.
I ticked lack of trust, self-esteem, sense of self, desire to date. Out of those, the biggest loss is my sense of self – I genuinely no longer know who I am. I sometimes have, what I can only describe as something akin to a panic attack when I stop to question my true identity, the identity he sucked out of me. Deep breathing helps in these situations, but I shouldn’t be in this position.
There are pluses: he didn’t get his hands on what little money I have and I didn’t buy a second-hand car for ‘us’ or put money into the mobile home he wanted for ‘us’…
The irony is they come into our lives and mirror what we do and take the credit and bleed us dry because they don’t have an identity, yet some of us are the ones left with an identity crisis and struggle to realign ourselves which can take years to achieve. In the meantime, they carry on with the business of ‘needing’ fuel…
I have indicated many boxes, as the cost was there in many aspects. However now, exactly one year since I have taken a decision to part with this narcissist, I do not regret any of it. All the suffering related to the boxes I ticked -was severe, but temporary and passed. I have replenished my funds since – I am much better off then before, I have learned a great deal and changed my entire approach to life. I am now happy, healthy, beautiful, strong, financially independent, in a wonderful, healthy relationship, the more I give the more I receive, my career is blooming, I have reached what seemed beyond my reach before. Looking back – had I not been through five years of this hell – I would have never been the person I am now. I feel nothing but pity for my tormentor. He has been trying to get me back since, wonder when he will realize he is wasting his time and get tired of silence on the other side. Poor sick f .
I know what you mean, Ava. It was hell to go thru, but I am a much better person today because of how it changed me. Glad you feel you are too!!
Thank you ☺️
It costed me the years between 30-40 and the short marriage with a normal man.
Oh, this time I am not alone. And I see you have listened closely, HG. Including narc parents and all narcs in my life: everything but my sanity.
I lost my naivete` as an empath.
I knew I was an INFJ and I cherished my altruism.
UNTIL I discovered here that it can be an exploitable weakness.
I still think the world needs more empaths. I’m circumspect, if not exactly jaded, now.
Sandra I love INFJs one of my besties is one – I’m an ENFJ 🤓😎
Sandra,
Even after the traits of your INFJ have been used against you, exploited by the narc, they can still be the very strengths that heal you and give you wings. I am also a wounded INFJ. Please know that you do not suffer alone. By the time he was done with me, every good trait felt more like a place for him to plant his pry bar, his hooks, his siphon. Though it is in our nature to follow our gut, not our head, HG’s illuminating insight will give you the knowledge you need to understand what happened to you. This is the magic sauce that demystifies what you experienced and will help you protect yourself from it ever happening again. It is also not in our nature to turn our amazing healing abilities on ourselves, but you have that power right at hand. (HG maybe can’t help you with that, but his community can.)
Circumspect is a place to take pause and gather yourself, so that’s a good thing. Plot a course to move out from there to a place of being aware, safe, yet still free to radiate your light.
(Your altruism is still there, btw, just wash his grimy residue off it with some Mrs. Meyers Clean Day. The rosemary one is especially nice.)
Magic Sauce Tudor. Cant stop laughing.
Hi HG. Glad you are back. I am trying to go back to other blog posts and each time it say “post unavailable”…can you wave your magic wand and fix it?
Which ones?
The one about Wrong..I am going to say those to my GN if ever we cross the same path. I loved that one.
Hello 12345,
I have received that message sometimes as well:” post unavailable”
You just have to close that window ( if you have had it opened some time) and reload it. I usually do it by clicking ANY e-mail notification of confirming to follow a post and then all the old posts show up again. They are there!
I hope it helps!
Thank you SX.
Your welcome HG.
Thank you!
Your welcome 12345.
I guess feeling secure and safe goes along with indebtedness. Nothing is free. If you marry man for money you earn every single cent. Same with my mother. She will definitely give in a benevolent manner claiming all the while there are no strings attached. However, you will find out the cost later and it’s never worth taking her “gift”.
It only lasted 18 months and I’m lucky it didn’t cost me my house and my car but I almost lost those on top of everything else. I thought he caused me to have PTSD but I realized thru counseling I have had it all my life as my Mother is a narc. I have been in fight or flight mode my whole life.
My trust…..
I trust people will be true to what they believe in
I discovered something remarkable about myself from my experience, he showed to me my strength, my determination, how to stand and face fear.
What he took was nothing more then what was holding me back.
Wow. This is an empowering comment, thank you for sharing.
“What he took was nothing more than what was holding me back”
I love this way of looking at it, positive to the negative.
At the moment I need this site more than ever as my narc is currently hoovering me, reading this blog/comments helps me keep him at bay.
Willpower and knowledge are a formidable combination…..before I found this blog…..I had one of these traits but not the other……now I have both…….you need both to succeed against the narcissist (in my opinion.)……..Diva
Twilight,
Thank you for that. What a brilliant expression of true, simple enlightenment. There is serious power in letting go. Bravo.
And Diva,
I so agree! It’s like we’re finally backing the winning horse by aligning the two. Let’s throw in hope, for the trifecta!
Merripen
My husband beat me, tortured me, drugged me, threatened me, and murdered me. Obviously he didn’t succeed, I did die thou.
The man I was seeing is a Greater, the only one that so far was able to get in my head and strip what was done.
He forced me to look at what was done and make a choice let go or hang on.
Fear can cause one to hang on to the most insane things….the lock we place on the cage we create.
Seriously, twilight, that is the truth! Very sad but so true. It is fear that makes us do so many hurtful things – to ourselves and to others! And it is always fear that locks us in our cage. And we are the ones who generate that fear!!
Windstorm2
Yes fear can make us do some seriously strange things…
How are you doing?
Oh I am fine, Twilight. Thanks for asking. I’ve had bronchitis very bad for about a month, but it’s almost gone now. Hope all is well with you. I’m enjoying volunteering at my school. My daughter has informed me she’d like me to visit her in KS sometime in November. I’m exercising and trying to get in shape to visit my middle son (only empathic son) in Japan at the end of January. He is taking me to the Sapporo Snow and Ice Festival in February! I’m looking very forward to that!
Hope all is well with you!
Windstorm, i’m glad ur bronchitis is almost gone now, but i am sorry u suffered for a month.
U are a v busy lady indeed. All of ur kids want u to visit them. And why not? I’m sure u r a terrific mom! 💗
Hello Windstorm2
I am sorry to hear about the bronchitis, glad to hear you are feeling better. Japan, huh? I lived there long ago.
Working out always makes one feel better.
I am doing fine! Spent some time with my loves this past weekend.
Twilight
Where did u live in Japan? My son is an engineer for Nissan and has been sent to Yokohama for a year. I studied Japanese a lifetime ago when I got my language degree, but never planned to go there. Can’t pass up a free trip, though! And I’ve always wanted to go to an ice festival where you can go I to buildings made of ice!
Windstorm2
I have no idea I was 2. I have memories of some of the most beautiful trees.
The ice festival sounds like fun. I remember one winter here we had a really bad ice storm and the next day when the sun came up and hit the ice it was amazing. Like a crystal wonderland. Everything was coated in ice.
I hope you have a wonderful adventure when you go!!!
Oh, Twilight, how you have suffered. I am so sorry for what he put you through. You have given such an image to me, of you in your cage of hell, with a fear padlock. When he made you look, was that when you made your decision? Tell me that you are safe now, in your physical environment. Are you through the darkest part of your death?
Merripen
Marriage was my cage and I will never be put into another, it really will take an act of God for that to happen.
My husband is dead.
Please don’t feel bad for me, I like talking with HG because he shows me no sympathy or feels sorry for me.
Twilight
I am relieved and happy that you are free of him, free from your cage of misery. I understand that you don’t need pity, because you are now a survivor,. With all the darkness that you have been through and the wisdom it has left you with, that open path of freedom before you is a sunny place to place every thankful step. You deserve it, Twilight. Enjoy your journey forward.
Merripen
Yes I have been free for almost 8 years now from him.
My concern now is for those that do not understand and to bring this awareness forward.
HG work is unattainable anywhere else, what he is sharing leaves me with an admiration and respect for him in ways he doesn’t even know.
He is bringing a change to things.
We channel the same thanks to this man, Twilight. His dark hand is guiding us, but he will not harm us with the back of that hand. I think we get the best from him.
Merripen
I don’t see his hand as dark. He brings a message of what darkness holds. He guides us because he can see within this darkness.
He had to experience things and to learn this message to be able to convey it to the many. There is always a price and he paid it. I do not agree with some of his choices and I don’t have to, yet I believe when he decides the time is right he will see a reason to change behaviors. That is his journey of self discovery and one he walks alone on.
It is no different then each one of us. Our pain, our hurt, our joy or our happiness is our journey. Our power is in our choices and how we chose to express ourselves. We are not always going to agree on what is right and what is wrong. In nature what looks to be chaos to one is actually normal.
To much of one thing is not a good thing regardless of it is positive or negative.
Such wise words of perspective, Twilight. More to ponder. Thank you.
Twilight, i’m so sorry u experienced such abuse. Nobody should have to go thru that.
Jenna
None of us should have to deal with abuse, yet it happens sadly.
I am glad to see you are feeling better!
Ty twilight.
Since there has never been a day of my life that I was not in multiple relationships with narcissists, it’s difficult to say how this has changed me. I have no idea what I would have been like without them.
In the poll I checked loss of trust, loss of self esteem, no desire to date, loss of money, friendships, and loss of a home as all of these seem obvious. I probably should have checked sanity, but I have come to believe that questioning my sanity is the result of narc abuse.
I do believe that I have gained in ways from all my life with narcs, though. I believe I am far more introspective and thoughtful of a person than I would have been otherwise. I have learned so much about myself, my strengths and who I really am. All of the selfishness, jealousy and envy has been beaten out of me and I am now a much more empathic and compassionate person. I have also learned to be constantly watchful of the world and everyone around me. This has both increased my knowledge and intelligence and helped me in innumerable ways.
Windstorm2, you have expressed well the calm and present nature of one who has emerged wiser, but not ruined or jaded. You gained a higher ground by being beaten into the ground. There is nobility in that, an overcoming that is the very crux of the construction of our kind. I have my sights set on reaching a place like that, too. Ingenue is in the rear view. i want that balance of battle-weary and thankful, wise and present. I want to glow straight thru my scars.
Thank you, Merripen. I had a good example to follow. My mother in law lived with her narc husband thru many horrible situations and abuses. She lived thru terrible trials I don’t think I could have made it thru, and she came out the other side stronger, more empathic and very wise (not to mention an incredibly colorful and interesting person!). When we’re put into the fire we get scorched and melted, but we can come out of the experience with our essence refined like precious metal.
I remember when my father in law (who also had great wisdom) broke me of being codependent. He explained that God gives us problems so by overcoming them we can grow into the people we were meant to be. He said that when I stepped in and solved his son’s problems and took care of him, what I was really doing was harming him by preventing his learning valuable life lessons and becoming the better man God planned for him to become. Of course that was the last thing I wanted to do, so I stopped trying to fix his and other people’s problems. What I didn’t realize until much later was how much that would help me also to grow, heal and become a better, healthier person too.
I think you mentioned in another post that we empaths have a deep well of love and strength within us. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed and broken, but that’s just a temporary draining. That is so true! If we turn our focus within, clean out that deep well of empathy and focus on the good and the beauty around us – happiness, joy and strength will come bubbling up in an endless fountain to fill our lives and our corner of the world. That’s the potential for all of us who have been the victims of narc abuse.
Hi Windstorm2,
Thank you for sharing! Was your FIL the Narc your MIL was married to? Insightful words of wisdom he offered you, which I find to be a surprising viewpoint if coming from a Narc!
Hey Kimi,
Yes my FIL was the only husband of my MIL. They were married nearly fifty years until he died. He was a self aware narc and took me under his wing to teach me how to survive living with his son. He explained to me that it was in his vested self-interest to keep me from being driven so crazy and broken that I could no longer take care of his grandchildren. The legacy of his children/grandchildren was very important to him. He was a very colorful and interesting man. I loved him very much and will always miss him.
Incredible relationship Windstorm2!
I’m glad to read your positive experience with a Narcissist. It seems we’ve all been terribly wounded here by Narcs and often express the associated negatives. However, I certainly did love my Father, ex-husband and ex-bf and I benefited from my relationships with them, as well although there were certainly detriments!
Kimi
Yes that’s been my experience as well. I’ve certainly been wounded many times by narcs, but I’ve learned a lot and had a lot of good experiences, too. I’ve been very fortunate that none of my narcs were evil and they understood that leaving a path of human destruction in their wake was not in their best interest.
WS2, I love your analogy of being refined by the fires of our life lessons. Each one is like removing more of the dross from our gold. And I also enjoy the image of being such a malleable noble metal. There is nothing brittle about gold and there is nothing brittle about us. I am happy that you have in your mind the image of our forever-filling wells having enough to support bubbling fountains! Despite what we have been thru, we will never become like the narcissists – hollow and brittle. Though their abuse may cause us to misplace who we are for a time, we are innately able to find our way back to our natural state of malleable and full.
Merripen,
I like your posts. They are insightful and full of hope.
E.B.,
Thank you. In this emotional ocean that we navigate, insight and hope are the very bearings we need to find and follow.
My trust is gone, I have totally given up on the idea of finding anyone I can believe in. It’s as if I’m going through the motions now, waiting to cease to be. I have no identity, I’m a shadow. My involvement with a narcissist released all of my submerged Empath traits, and I now have to shield myself from others dumping their emotions onto me.
SA, please know that the narc didn’t take it all, because despite their very best efforts, it simply isn’t possible. Empaths have the ability to regenerate – more so than any other kind of people. Our wells are deep.
And while it’s true that many of us lack the skills to protect ourselves from receiving unwanted energy from others, you are affected more by it right now, because you are tired, drained and grieving. This darkness will pass. You will pass through it and out the other side. Trust that you will heal, because you have already found this safe place. HG will give you the information you need to understand what happened to you. That goes a long way towards healing and developing new skills to protect yourself. The community here will give you support. it’s going to be alright.
Why do you want this information? What will you be using it for?
Best regards
I like to know and it provides people with a voice when they have been denied one. It is not going to be used for anything other than the continued education which occurs here.
I was wondering HG.
If you could find the time to write about narcs in history ? For example
Ian Brady & Myra Hindley
Fred & Rose West .
Henry the 8th & his many wives ..
And most recently Donald Trump & his relationship with the first lady ..
Thank you ..
I have made a note NSS.
Thank you, HG. Giving us a voice here is a wonderful thing that I certainly value very highly.
You are welcome.
I haven’t found my voice yet!!!!!…….Diva
Great suggestion NSS!
HG, I’d also love to read your view on the development of Narcissism throughout history. Have Narcissists always been present (I suspect they have) or is it a growing epidemic? Part of the grand design or a glitch in human development?
They have. Is it growing? Yes.
You are appreciated, HG.
I checked every box. I lost everything. My sense of self most importantly. I invested everything into my ex-husband. I trusted him fully and all he ever did was hurt me. Of course he would build me up but only to knock me down. I spent 15 years isolating myself from everyone, even my family. I was so ashamed even after I left him I was too embarrassed I didn’t even go to see my grandmother before she passed away. I think I regret that the most. She told me many years ago that he was a looser and I needed to leave him. I’m sure she was proud of me when she found out I finally did though. It’s been three years now since I’ve detached myself from him and I just now feel like I am able to feel like myself again. I spent a long time not knowing who I was and just felt empty inside. I fell into a deep depression but still woke up every morning and went to work and pretended to be ok for my kids but then drank myself to sleep at night. I felt sometimes the only way I could sleep is if I enough to forget. I don’t drink much anymore thankfully. I started to date other people again and that was really hard at first. I spent so long thinking my ex was the one I was going to be with forever and never wanted anyone else. I know I am not perfect by a long shot either and I have issues, but it was really hard to understand that I still deserve love and respect as well. I am still haunted by my ex constantly even though I don’t talk to him. Implementing no contact was extremely hard but I believe saved my life. He would try everything to get through to me even calling my family and friends but I remained firm and eventually he found someone else to focus on. I said to him after I did finally talk to him again after over a year of no contact that I needed it for me because I didnt know who I was anymore. I spent so long being who he wanted me to be I lost myself in the process. But then to know that no matter what I did was wrong really messed me up and I needed some serious soul searching. I said to him that I needed to not talk to him because when I did, I wasn’t able to hear my own thoughts. Now I enjoy the quiet, I need the quiet. I’ve lived in chaos for so long that the peace and quiet is blissful.
Over the years of my relationship with him, I’ve lost jobs because he didn’t want me working there, I’ve lost money because he would drain my account when he was mad at me. I lost my home because he wouldn’t let me stay there. I lost everything in it because he wouldn’t let me take anything with me. I lost my cars because he crashed them…both of them..while we were driving, he crashed into me and ran me off the road. I lost my self esteem because he made me believe I deserved to be mistreated and that everything was my fault. I lost all my friends except for one who stayed in touch through the years and was there for me when I decided to leave. I lost my health because I now have multiple sclerosis which I believe the years of abuse caused this autoimmune disease. My breathing is still difficult at times because of injuries to my rib cage that I never had treated. My back and shoulder hurt constantly too because of his abuse. I became depressed and gained 50 pounds after I left so I lost my looks too. I can go on and on about things I lost…but I am happy now. I am now at a place where I can find myself and find happiness. I lost a lot…but what I didn’t lose is what was important and that was myself and my kids. We made it out and we are safe now which is all that matters. Things are things. Things can be replaced.
So aside from what I lost, I think what I gained is far more important. I now know I deserve love and respect and won’t settle for less. I’ve learned that people like him are incapable of love and it had nothing to do with my short comings and everything to do with his inability to feel compassion. I’ve learned the signs to look for in people like him and learned not to ignore them or make excuses for them. But most importantly I’ve learned that I can walk away. I’m allowed to walk away.
Amy, pleased to hear you have finally found peace in your life. Stay strong. Sx
Thank you. I truly never thought I’d make it to this point. It really is an amazing feeling to finally feel free again.
Amy, your ability to overcome everything you suffered, is testament to the fact that he was unable to take your innate sense of self. Though battered, it remained quite intact and was the one small, firm thing you needed to rebuild upon. I am happy that you have made this safe and peaceful place from which to move forward in your life.
It cost me my marriage of 25 years. The disengagement started on divorce. And a whopping mortgage to buy my ex out. Thanks narc !
Debs, your post made me cry. There but for the grace of god or luck go I.
All except physical violence although I did ohysically hurt myself
Geez!
He took away my self esteem and my ability to trust anyone again. After the golden period when he had me on a pedestal for a few months, and after i came to know that he was in 2 simultaneous relationships plus having me on the side (after he insisted i was the only one), i have been completely unable to trust anyone who approaches me now, because i simply dont believe people if they say they are single. I am now always on the lookout for the obvious and insidious narc red flags thanks to HG and this blog. Trust is so important to me and he completely ruined that… grrrrr…
Had two narcs in my life last year. My ex bought a home that I helped fix up before he discarded me, and my colleague tricked my boss, and overtook my projects. Surreal, indeed! I was lucky to find a job, and move to a new city. Now I’m getting my finances in order, and starting to date again.
Michelle, you are in a brave new place, now. I hope your emotional and financial recovery moves you smoothly into a happier, more rewarding life.
Thanks, Merripen! Means a lot!
Dear Mr Tudor,
It has cost me dearly.
I no longer trust anyone!
😥
Then we have something in common SOP.
Dear Mr Tudor ….
Sadly yes, but alas, I fear my devastating journey has been much much longer than yours !
I feel your pain also!
Good Morning HG!! Glad to see your back!
Many of your articles have been thought provoking while you were away.
Good to know, Twilight.
Not a thing. Caught on very early and flipped that shit around on him. He’s terrified of me now and won’t even speak to me. Just as I planned. Document, document and build yourself a case my people. They don’t like being called out. Especially in a courtroom setting. Send them a cease and desist letter and file charges for any contact attempts made after. They seem to catch on quick. They don’t like jail for some reason. Must be the money they have to spend in order to bond out. Either way it’s not my problem. Be well.
Sarcasium is better than Murder charges..in their mind.
..
My choices are due to a past relationship in which I did not recognise in time the signs of narcissim, as I was still young. My sense of self-beauty and self-worth were compromised, as my ability to control my temper; after we broke up I did not want to be in a future relationship as I needed to heal. Thankfully my body was wiser than me and, a few months later when he tried to reinstate my position as the primary supply source, I just felt no attraction nor desire for him, I had become numb to him. Perhaps that is why he love-bombd me so intently, but I started a new relationship with another and told him as much. We have reached nearly 10 years no contact. In all honesty it took me over a year to fully recuperate. However, I would also add that there are some things I have gained from the experience: 1. I love myself more now than I did before him, because I know how strong I am; 2. I don’t have a lot of patience with people’s attempts at manipulation, and emotional blackmail just doesn’t work on me; 3. I have become a far more compassionate person, possibly even more empathic, as I understand people’s pain better now (hence I know when someone is trying to manipulate and when they are sincere) 4. I have learned that you cannot pour water from an empty cup, and so my love for the world will only be fruitful if I remember to love myself, too; 5. When I see a narcissit who has done me no harm (or has not tried to), I provide as much positive fuel as I can, so that maybe they won’t need negative fuel from others that day. It is a manipulation, but for the good of others, and it costs me nothing.
P.S.
I am engaged with my near 10 year partner, a fellow empath with whom I have been living happily for 8 years.
It gets better;. Give yourselves time; you will heal and rise more beautiful than before!
I hope I get to the point where I can say that as well
Erin, thank you for sharing your journey of the damage he did to you and the positive things your recovery has given you. Your ability to thrive and grow gives me hope, too. The last point makes me smile. You have lost nothing of your empathy. Your mindfulness to give yourself love is a new skill for many of us empaths. How lovely that you now enjoy life with a well-matched partner who is able to reciprocate the love you give. Mindful, thankful and happy. That’s a beautiful thing to attain!
I ticked only one box……my desire to date/see people……..although I am not sure it is really “a cost” to me……..as I have never been happier than right now on my own. Living with a narc has taught me what is truly important in life and what is not……..it took living with one and leaving one after many years to fully appreciate the meaning of what real happiness is. I finally feel like I have a life and it is mine to do what I want to do with it……as opposed to being on the end of a short rope constantly servicing someone else’s needs and requirements……it’s nothing short of freedom…….Diva
Thank you for your incite Diva. I am looking forward to spending time on my own and clearing out all the mental clutter of the past 8 yeaars
I understand what you mean by “mental clutter”……I like that phrase….although I had never heard it before today……
“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”
Nelson Mandela
Not that I am in an way, shape or form comparing my story with Nelson Mandela’s life……but I can resonate with this quotation…….it helped me move on……in our case it is not just the bitterness and hatred…..it is in fact the “mental clutter”………you have to dump it at the gate…….Diva
Dear Mr Tudor,
I have received all your blogs, but no comments in the no comments section since 16th Sept… is all operating accordingly?
Many thanks in anticipation
Yes, there have been no comments moderated since 15th September as I have had serious commitments elsewhere.
Thankyou Mr Tudor, I appreciate your reply, I can see some now!
All of the above!
In there with the top 5, thanks tHiNg!! Just when you feel like it might be safe to get back into the water, nope. There’s another shark (con man) waiting for you. Seems they are everywhere!!!