The Fading Narcissist


Everybody who is part of our Fuel Matrix plays a part in maintaining our existence. Our construct, that which imprisons the creature and that which we want the world to see, must be maintained in order to preserve our existence. If not, we begin to fade away as the construct crumbles and collapses. The maintenance of this construct is entirely reliant on the provision of fuel and you play an integral part in that. How do the various types of appliance mesh together then in order to prevent us from fading away? 

I have explained how we draw fuel from primary, secondary and tertiary sources. These sources vary in potency and are affected of course by the method of delivery of the fuel. The primary source remains our most important source of fuel since it is this person, usually the intimate partner, who we are with more than anybody else but also who has the greatest emotional reaction to what we say and do. Therefore, this person provides us with the most fuel and of the most potent kind. They are also someone who satisfies the  The Prime Aims (which includes fuel) more than anyone else. The primary source is naturally the most important fuel provider which is why we seduce this person with such dedication, unleash such a terrible devaluation and keep on hoovering following escape or dis-engagement. We make such an investment in you as the primary source that we regard it as our right to keep drawing fuel from you, whether that is positive or negative, whether it is now, next week or in ten years’ time. You belong to us, in our minds.

The secondary sources are those which contribute good fuel and are invariably those who are part of our façade. Our lieutenants and the coterie are drawn from the secondary sources – friends, family and colleagues – who we interact with frequently but not to the same extent as we do with the primary source. Nor do the secondary sources give out the same heightened fuel as the primary source. The secondary sources serve an excellent function as part of the façade and the maintenance of this façade is important, therefore we prefer to keep the same people in at and keep adding to it. Secondary sources invariably enjoy lengthy golden periods with us. This is because our call on them is intermittent and therefore we are far less likely to regard their fuel as stale. Moreover, we can have many secondary sources but we only ever have one primary source. Thus if a certain secondary source is perhaps not admiring us as much (but they are not criticising us and are still providing some fuel) it does not merit a devaluation. They remain loyal, they remain part of the façade and we will just switch to another secondary source to increase the fuel. There is no need to devalue or ditch the initial secondary source. Thus you may see our kind have a friend who is “flavour of the month” because their fuel is better than other secondary sources and then the fuel dips in quality but it is not a concern as we can add another secondary source or switch to another who perhaps we have not seen for a couple of months. This is advantageous as it means our energy can be saved for devaluing the primary source whilst keeping a range of functioning secondary sources on hand and the façade intact.

The secondary sources very rarely stop providing fuel. They have no need to. A primary source may do so owing to the descent into ill health caused by the devaluation or learning how to tackle our kind as a response to the abuse. The secondary source, nearly always treated to an elongated  golden period, has no need to adopt a stance of not providing fuel.

A secondary source may however criticise us and if that is the case they may be subjected to devaluation but usually they are excluded from the coterie and replaced easily enough. They will be smeared and made to feel like an outsider, with the narcissist using the façade and other secondary sources to achieve this aim. We like to create our cliques and if anybody threatens our supremacy or delivers a criticism who is a secondary source they will be ejected from the group.

The occasion for devaluation of the secondary source is rare. It only happens in two instances. Firstly, the source has criticised the narcissist (this criticism might come through something said to the narcissist or something done, for example through exposing the narcissist’s behaviour to others)  and thus fury is ignited and the narcissist decides this person must be made an example of, before being discarded, in order to show the rest of the coterie who is in charge.

Secondly, in an even rarer instance it may happen when the narcissist has no primary source. If there is an absence of the primary source for a period of time, say a number of weeks, the narcissist’s fuel levels will have been tested. He will have sought to seduce and embed a new replacement primary source and most times the narcissist in such a situation is able to do so with success. However, let us assume this has not happened. The narcissist turns to his secondary and tertiary sources (more on tertiary in a moment) and relies more than usual on them to provide him with fuel during the absence of the primary source. At first there is no problem, the secondary sources provide positive fuel which is sustaining the narcissist, but if he has only a few secondary sources, then it will not be long before his fuel demands outstrip the positive fuel they can give. The lesser quality of their fuel (compared to the primary source) is being exposed by the absence of the primary source. It is also because greater demand is being placed on them.

Ultimately, the primary source will always go further for the narcissist than anybody else and they are also far more proximate. No matter how seductive. if the secondary source has to deal with his own family, his work and so on, he may not be available to provide fuel. If this keeps happening, combined with the increased demand and the lack of a primary source the strain on positive secondary sources will start to tell. This means the narcissist will either have to add new secondary sources and/or devalue the secondary sources to shift to negative fuel so he is sustained. This will work for a period of time with the confused inner circle friend who is a secondary source trying to work out why their supposed best friend is ignoring them and then trying to patch up the relationship. A secondary source however will not sustain devaluation as long as a primary source and may even infect other secondary sources by pointing out how they are being treated. The narcissist is already suffering reduced fuel levels and the supremacy of his façade is being challenged. This increases the demands on him.

The tertiary sources provide the least fuel and generally they are also treated to lengthy golden periods – for example the lady who works in the petrol station or the postman – since they are only extracted from on an intermittent basis. Tertiary sources can also be used straight away for negative fuel, for example, upbraiding a waiter or shouting down a shop assistant. We do not regard them as necessary to the maintenance of the façade, their negative fuel provides a useful boost and such high-handed behaviour may impress a primary (or secondary source) and draw positive fuel from them where appropriate.

If there is no primary source for a period of time, the reliance on tertiary sources increases. There will be increased activity to use technology to draw these people to the narcissist – such as on dating sites, chat rooms or through social media, but if the reliance is frequent and sustained the quality of the fuel will diminish quickly and those who have been attached to the narcissist in this way will be discarded and replaced with new remote tertiary sources promptly. There will be a high turnover. At the same time, the narcissist is likely to lash out at physically proximate sources more and more as the fuel level dips. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, he needs the fuel more than ever from tertiary sources and negative fuel is better than positive. Secondly, he will be furious at being placed in this position (through having no primary source but he has not got one to lash out at) so tertiary sources bear the brunt of this rage.

A narcissist without a primary source will eventually alienate secondary sources and in certain environments – say a small town – will struggle to replace them as people become wise to what he is. He may lack the energy to keep up the turnover of remote tertiary sources and spends his time lashing out at those which are physically proximate. At this point the narcissist faces losing the façade (since so many people know about his behaviour) in order to keep drawing fuel. It is now that he has three choices: –

  1. Secure a new primary source immediately;
  2. Move his environment so he can seek out fresh secondary sources and tertiary sources and rebuild his façade; or
  3. Sink into depression and inactivity as his fuel levels plummet.

The narcissist becomes a fading star. Once brilliant, magnificent and illuminating, his loss of the primary source and inability to find another means that the alluring shine is fading as a black hole awaits. He begins to fade as he enters a fuel crisis. Thus you can see just how paramount the primary source is to the existence of our kind and why we make such an effort to secure them, replace them and hoover them back again.

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12 thoughts on “The Fading Narcissist

  1. Jenna says:

    My ex is a faded narc. He has no ipps because he vowed not to have sex outside of marriage again. He is religious and regards it as sinful. (But who knows, he might be having sex).
    After he moved, he fell into depression. He came out of depression for a few months when a new tertiary source on instagram was calling him daily. (He doesn’t go on dating sites anymore becoz he wants to change). But he must have devalued the tertiary cuz he’s depressed again. He isolates himself and is low on fuel. I can see a huge change in his self esteem when he is depressed vs. when he is not.
    When he is not depressed, he is so damn arrogant.
    I feel sad when he is depressed. I try to cheer him up and entertain him when he texts me.

  2. Lisa says:

    Ah ha! Now I get it! This explains so much…ty HG

  3. Candice says:

    HG- if we were engaged but long distance was I a primary source or a secondary source? We texted all day everyday and FaceTimed a lot.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hi Candice, I would need to know more information about your dynamic and the relevant narcissist for the purposes of giving you a full answer. A consultation is the appropriate forum for this.

  4. Lisa says:

    This last paragraph is , I believe exactly what is happening to my lower mid range victim wanker. This has happened due to me finally pulling the rug out from under him and probably various other reasons but ignoring hoovers takes away their control and power ( I guess this varies on the narc type to a degree) but if you’ve got one of the above take HG’s advice and ignore the assholes and it will give you some control . I believe mine is crumbling at the moment , all narc injury of course and all self absorbed entitlement, but I’m being love bombed and this is from someone who only ever did the bronze never the golden !! It’s amazing what they can do when they want to . However I truly believe he believes he is in love and heart broken , he’s acting on instinct to make himself feel better and right now what makes him feel better is having me back. He’s being mr perfect not just in words but in actions . It’s a total head fuck . The sad thing is that if he had just been this person he would have such a better more stable happier life . He’s destroyed everything . Even if he was cured tomorrow I can’t get past the resentment and anger I have towards him . No matter what he does now I just feel bitter towards him. He killed every bit of feeling I ever had for him with his disgusting behaviour and He may be a narcissist but he has enough awareness to know that and while he will blame his disorder He has to live with it and he’s not getting any younger . He’s not going to keep replacing so easily , he’s not some high flyer with endless opportunities. I feel like I am now acting like a narcissist because what ever he does or says and he is doing Actions , I just pick an arguement with him because I think of what he’s done in the past and I just want to kill him . The person he’s being now is what he could have been if he was not a narcissist. I do take full responsibility for being so dumb , to let anyone treat me so badly , I never even had a golden period , I just thought that somewhere inside him was this person I’m seeing now . Rant over 🙄

    1. K says:

      Lisa, I enjoyed your rant immensely, thank you.

      1. Lisa says:

        Hi K , ha ha thank you ❤️

      2. Lisa says:

        OMG I’m going to do another rant now . I’m so pissed off lower mid range twat has been crying to mummy and sister as usual , by the way so spot on that HG mentions how they can be used as fill in IPPS certainly the case with mine , there may have been secret ipss but I’ve never been replaced . Anyway on with the rant .
        His sister who has been supportive to me throughout this whole thing , whilst remaining clueless to what he is but agreeing he needs to talk to someone as she puts it as he has issues !! For the first time ever she has really pissed me off. Because I finally ignored hoovers and am not just falling back into the usual role this time , Narc is crumbling . I got a lecture from her via telephone that he is devastated and very vulnerable and knows that he’s in the wrong but really loves me and it’s not his fault and he’s getting help (this is actually true he’s been to his doctor and has been referred) the whole conversation was that he is the victim and he is vulnerable and I’m not giving him a chance and he’s sorry and that I’ve changed and it’s not fair on him . She said he’s vulnerable about 20 times . It’s all been turned around like he’s the victim and I won’t commit to him . It’s unbelievable . She more or less said if I’m not going to give him a chance leave him alone , don’t see him . Despite me ignoring everything for months including her texts at times . It’s like I’m the bad one , because now he’s on his best behaviour and pulling out all the stops and I won’t just forget the past and act like nothing’s happened, it’s not fair on him WTF . Can anyone on here relate to any of this . Other than the fact that HG writes about this very scenario. I am having a consultation with HG next week his schedule permitting , but I’m bloody furious . Just to add , this sister has a rock of a husband that is normal and there for her and always has been. She wouldn’t want her brother as a partner or should I say non partner in a bloody gift . She would tolerate him for a week if that 😡

      3. K says:

        Thanks for the second rant! I was getting furious reading it, too. It is know wonder you are pissed! They run to their mummies and sisters and whine like the babies they are. He is crumbling, he is the victim, blah, blah, blah…his sister sounds like a jerk. And, of course, YOU are the one who isn’t there for HIM when he is vulnerable! What a load of shit! Run as fast as you can. I can totally relate to you, my ULN was a twat, too, he was always up his mother’s ass. You are a good person and never forget the past. You deserve better. Enjoy your consult with HG. Thanks for letting me rant, too.

        1. Lisa says:

          Thanks K, are you in the UK? Are you split up from your N, sorry I don’t know your story

      4. K says:

        Hello Lisa
        I live in the USA and I am no longer with the lesser or the mid-range narc. Thank God! Your comment reminded me of the lesser and his family. They are such soulless and dreadful people and it is all such a total head fuck! You are not dumb; you were tricked and, just like you, I let them treat me badly, too. You are not alone in that respect, so don’t be too hard on yourself. We are here learning and getting better everyday and it isn’t so lonely anymore.

  5. It would be interesting to read an opinion of yours about a narcissist father and daughter. I have my ideas and thoughts on this, through experience. I just thought it would be interesting to hear yours….the child’s traits, behaviours etc

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