It hurts doesn’t it, when you see we have moved on with indecent haste and entered a new relationship. In the fullness of time you may look back and be thankful that we had turned to someone other than you, but at the moment of knowing that we are with somebody else so soon after discarding you (and even when you escape us it still stings – did you not matter at all?) it hurts you. Of course it does. You invested so much in the concept of us and then we did our level best to warp, batter, twist, burn and destroy what was built. Notwithstanding what has happened, it remains the case that you look on with a mixture of pain and astonishment at how soon we have managed to find somebody else and more to the point, how readily we flaunt this state of affairs through our repeated updates and relationship bulletins.

You should not be surprised at this development however once you begin to understand how we operate. Where you have been discarded, your replacement was already lined-up. We were spending time with your replacement, commencing the triangulation, sowing the seeds of your (invented) psychotic behaviour to them and seducing them ready to switch from you to them as easily as flicking a switch. To us this transition is normal and necessary. To you it offends your sense of honesty and decency. If you managed to escape us before we had found or embedded the replacement primary source you force us to locate and/or embed with urgency. We have been denied our primary source of fuel and need to put in place a new one straight away. The choice may not be perfect (hence why you may be wondering why on earth we are with that person) but be with someone we must and of course we want you to know. There is fuel to still be had from you and misery to unleash against you.

Yet, what is the situation should the shoe be on the other foot? How do we react when we become aware that you have chosen another intimate partner? What is our response?

Often this does not happen for some time. The reasons for this are manifold.

  1. You still want us. The addiction that we have placed inside of you means that irrespective of the abuse and the devaluation, you still want us back. This may be to try and correct what went wrong, it may be because you want the golden period again and/or it is because you have so many unanswered questions.
  2. You do not want anybody else. The impact of our abuse is so great that you can barely get through a day never mind contemplate interacting with another person on an intimate level.
  3. You are concerned that you may be ensnared again and even when you receive well-intentioned approaches from potential suitors, you reject them because you are too uncertain as to their motives. Thus you reject people and would rather not take the chance of being ensnared again.
  4. You wish to focus on yourself and your recovery and do not regard the commencement of a further relationship on an intimate level as conducive to achieving that aim.
  5. You are left feeling that you could not attract anybody else even if you wanted to. Your self-esteem and self-confidence have been shattered and the abuse has taken its toll on your assets and resources leaving you feeling that you are an unappealing prospect to a prospective suitor.
  6. The prospect of a romantic intimate relationship remains far too painful after the experience of being in one with our kind and therefore you decide against raking over old wounds.

We understand that there are these several reasons why you are unlikely to find someone after the Formal Relationship with us has ended. This is part of the reason why we are encouraged to keep coming back and hoovering you because there is unlikely to be somebody else involved who proves an obstacle to us doling out a Benign Follow-Up Hoover and drawing you back into our clutches.

However, it does happen. Some of you take a considerable time before moving on to another relationship for the reasons explained above. Others may move with more speed, not always for the right reasons but that is not what is to be examined here. Indeed, some of you are captured by a different member of our kind, falling victim to the apparent concern and charm exhibited by this white knight when you are still blind to what you entangled with the first time around. How do we feel when we see that you are with somebody else?

The immediate reaction is one of the ignition of fury. You belong to us. Under the terms of the Narcissistic Relationship you belong to us forever and therefore you are not permitted to enter into an intimate relationship with somebody else. That is an implied term of that contractual situation. By choosing somebody else you are telling us that we are not good enough. How dare you commit such a treacherous act? It does not matter that we got rid of you. It does not matter that we were horrible in our treatment of you and nobody (save us) could blame you for getting away from us. The fact is we expect your total loyalty forever. Your choice of someone else as an intimate partner (and this has equal applicability if you choose one parent over another, a sibling over another, or a friend over a narcissistic friend) is a huge affront to us and wounds us considerably. With this fury ignited we will seek fuel, both from our existing primary source and supplementary sources if need be, but we also want to draw this fuel from you and/or your intimate partner. We want to derail what you have got. You are not allowed to be loved by anybody but us. Nobody can make you truly happy, other than us. You will not be treated in the way you deserve to be treated by anybody but us. You are our possession and nobody else is allowed near you. With fury ignited and fuel being gathered to heal the wound caused by this criticism, what is our further response?

  1. You will be smeared to third parties. We will roll out a further smear campaign suggesting you were seeing this person behind our back (even though you may never have even known them when we were together or that it has been three years since you and I were in the Formal Relationship). We tell family, friends and all we can about how treacherous and unfaithful you have been. This gains us fuel and also has the potential to influence how those people treat you, allowing our power to be extended through them.
  2. You will be smeared to your new intimate partner. The lies will flow thick and fast as we look to frighten them off.

“Just thought I should let you know mate she is a gold digger.”

“You won’t know this but he has a serious drink problem. Get out while you can.”

“I hope you are using condoms pal after the amount of men that slut has had.”

“You need to sleep with one eye open, he is a maniac.”

“She won’t be faithful to you, you know. She is a user. Did it to me. She will do it to you.”

“She is a born liar. I bet she told you I am a nutcase didn’t she? Yes, you are nodding. She said the very thing to me about the chap she was seeing before me. She is dangerous. I ended up being hospitalised after the way she treated me. No need to thank me, thought you needed to know.”

“Good luck with that one pal, you will need it. What do I mean. Blimey, where do I start?”

  1. Your new partner will be smeared to you, by us.

“Just thought I should let you know he is a gold digger. I found out that he hasn’t a pot to piss in. I don’t want to think of him taking your money.”

“You won’t know this but she has a serious drink problem. Get out while you can. My friend is a doctor and has seen him being treated for excessive drinking. Just thought you should know.”

“I hope you are making him use condoms after the number of women that manwhore has had.”

“You need to sleep with one eye open, he is a maniac. My mate is a policeman. List of convictions as long as your arm. Of course if you ask him he will deny it, but you know me, I am just looking out for you. I always have done.”

“He won’t be faithful to you, you know. He is a user. Did it to his wife. He will do it to you. How do I know? Friend of a friend.”

“She is a born liar. I bet she told you I am a nutcase didn’t she? She doesn’t even know me and she is saying things about me. Imagine what she will start saying about you? It is only a matter of time.”

“Good luck with that one, you will need it. What do I mean. Blimey, where do I start?”

  1. Expect Benign Follow-Up Hoovers as we assert how much we miss you, how much we want you back, how we are better than this person. If we are content with our primary source this may still be done not to bring you back to us but just to ruin your relationship so you leave that person expecting to come back to us and then we turn our backs on you. All that matters is the fuel from our still functioning new primary source, from your distraught reaction to our behaviour and the knowledge we have messed up your relationship.
  2. Intimidation and malign hoovering in order to cause your new intimate partner to think that it is just not worth the hassle so they end up leaving you. “I do like you, but it is your ex, he scares me and I cannot have him causing problems for me at work, I am sorry, but I have to end things.”

We want to derail your new relationship. We want to control you. We do not want to see you exerting control over your life by choosing to be with someone else. We cannot bear to see you happy knowing that somebody else is causing this. We have to control you and all around us and this extends to affecting your new relationship. We will always look to drive a wedge between you and your new intimate partner, whether through appearing to do the right thing (warning you about this person or asserting we still love you) or by doing a bad thing (making it too much aggravation for both of you to remain together) so that we gain fuel from your reaction and his/her response to this interference and in so doing we exert our power and control, content in the knowledge that you are our possession once again. We must derail your happiness in a new relationship.

22 thoughts on “Derailed

  1. Sisi says:

    My narc has moved on soooo quickly, within 4 months he got engaged with another one. He is really one trying to build the best facade, to the point where I really struggle with cognitive dissonance about how I remember him treating me and how he behaves within circle of friends now. I told him that after he has mooved on so quickly I still need time to heal and would like some time without communication ( usually he remains friends with all his exes).
    HG, do you think there is still a chance he will try to hoover or smear me? it seems he is all excited about upcoming wedding.. therefore, I hope he will leave me in peace… or am i wrong?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      As to being smeared, if it was to happen, it will have happened already. It could potentially occur but it depends more on what you do.
      With regard to a hoover, there is always a risk and the extent of this risk is subject to the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover execution Criteria.

  2. Lucy says:

    Thank you for the response.
    I am hoping I was IPSS since we live in different towns. Hg, am I more likely to be hoovered because we were engaged? I am NC but I am thinking he might try to get me back for facade purposes.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The engagement may be used as an excuse within the hoover attempt but in itself would not be a major factor governing the likelihood of a hoover being executed.

  3. Lucy says:

    HG – If he was engaged to me does that mean I was his IPPS?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Often does but not always. That sole fact is not not determinative.

  4. Antifragile says:

    Your articles are the best healing. Thank you HG.
    Why on earth you are saving humanity from narcissists?..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you AF. I do so because it entertains me and is part of my legacy.

      1. Antifragile says:

        Is it mass seducing maybe?) Like a business scaling and growth – from individuals to groups who adore you.

      2. Antifragile says:

        Btw, I like how you called me AF – the second meaning really suits me lol))

  5. Flighty says:

    Well, I’ve just started seeing a new man and things are going well. My ex would have only recently found this out, through the kids, of course. He never bothered about where I was, who I was with, or what I was doing when we were together, so why would he bother now? It will be interesting to see what happens, if anything.

    Personally, I doubt he will bother me directly. But I fully expect to be further smeared and my new man ridiculed and mocked to his family and some mutual “friends”. Other than that, I genuinely think he is simply done with me and totally not interested. His favourite tactics were stonewalling, silent treatment, abandonment, neglect, excessive independence…in other words, I was irrelevant to his life. Nothing but a pain. It would be some small vindication to know he was furious over me moving on, but I really doubt he will actually care. I guess time will tell.

    Yes, he has a new supply. She’s almost fully embedded and ready for devaluation from what I can gather. My heart goes out to her…widowed barely 6 weeks before he introduced her to our children. They’ve been together about a year now, so I’d say it’s getting close to devalue time. It will be interesting to see if my moving on bothers him. I doubt it.

  6. Patricia says:

    Hg: Does this apply to IPSS or just IPPS?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Both, but usually IPPS.

  7. J says:

    I can’t explain why, but on this point, I have always felt my N was abnormal. I am pretty sure he actually believed I was with at least 2 people post-disengage, maybe even 3, and really did not even seem to care in any way. If anything, he almost seemed relieved. And… a peaceful N being an easy N, I let him believe whatever he wanted. (P.S. No lieutenants feeding him info either.)

  8. kimmichaud1 says:

    Me too but he’d be flattered by it

  9. Jennifer says:

    Mine went alone to the Dominican Republic and spent three days with a prostitute there, spending Christmas with her the things most beloved to me forever tainted…my love of Latin America, him, our adventures, Christmas, Spanish culture, language, music our vacation memories) and went to Honduras with me a month later. It hurt me so deeply that he went to Cuba alone that I spent three times the flight cost to go with him to grand Cayman when I was already in debt…intuitively wondering if he would be on the prowl), then he took of to the Dominican, we went to Honduras and a year later while he was alone in Dominican I found out. I’ve said nothing, left his place perfect clean and stocked ready for his return, his favourite meals and deserts waiting, never spoke of it because he’d abuse and punish in a rage and leave, but I’m nearing that readiness knowing he’ll wish he’d never left. No one will be as compatible, tolerant or understanding. He has a future of angst and lonely resentment waiting. Early on he said he didn’t deserve me and took me for granted. If he reaches that place of health Alaska of delusion, and honesty once more, he’ll be singing a Bruno Mars song for the rest of his life.

  10. E says:

    You are right HG as always.
    . As soon as I meet someone else and start dating, he didn’t like it and was sending me sarcastic texts. He did it a couple of times. But now I have learned. I’m in a new relationship and I make sure he doesn’t know that so he won’t ruin it. And anyway he is out of picture. No contacts from him for months. I think he is gone for good as I want my life back.

  11. Gareth says:

    Here’s some advice tell them your seeing someone else and that they know the person. I was told if I dated someone from the same town that she lived in I would be rubbing it in her face even though I lived in the same town. I’ve never tried my own advice but I know it would drive them crazy with anger

  12. Douglas says:

    I’d love nothing more than to send this and other articles (by HG Tudor of course) to my Narc, but I know it would be the fuel she wants/requires. Oh, the irony. : (

    1. Antifragile says:

      Have you tried to say somethting
      like “HG is better narcissist than you”? )))

  13. kimmichaud1 says:

    This is all so true it happened to me when he saw I was dating someone new but I wanted to comment on this pic because it’s magnificent this looks like 98 percent of the pics of me and my ex when I’m not wearing a hijab in them if u look the woman is smiling leaning in towards him obviously in seventh heaven because of HIM but the man although smiling is not looking at her or leaning towards her he’s looking outward with a look on his face almost a smirk that seems to be saying look at me look what I got this woman is madly in love with me haha I’m the man his focus is not on her but the outward world and their reaction he looks smug every picture almost of me and my narc were like this

    1. Kimmichaud,

      I just saw your reference to the photos of your ex and present gf, and you and your ex.

      Yep, me too!

      Someone had “gifted” me with one of these, a photo of us at their wedding, and we had already been married for 5 Years.

      I looked at that picture of me looking at him as if he is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and he is smirking at the camera.

      I thought of a few others like that photo, i could see them clearly in my mind without even digging them out.

      I looked back at that photo again, and had some sympathy for my ignorant self, and indifference for him.

      What was it I saw in him in the first place, but him mirroring the traits I would expect in a decent and caring person.

      But him smirking at my obvious adoration should have told me a lot, if only I’d looked closer at the time.

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