Consent
Consent is not a matter which preys on the mind of our kind much at all. This is driven by the following factors: –
- Our sense of entitlement. We do as we please, how we please, when we please and with whom we please. We are access all areas;
- Our inability to recognise and respect boundaries. This links with our sense of entitlement whereby nobody is off limits to us. Somebody is in a relationship? So what, they are fair game to us. That seat is taken. Yes, it is, by us. That drink was meant for somebody else? Tough. We invade personal space, take things which are not ours, commandeer other people’s resources and act as if we own the place because in our minds, we do.
- You are part of us. You are subsumed within us, attached to us and since you are a part of us, why on earth do we need to ask ourselves for permission to do something? That is nonsensical from our perspective.
- We are unaccountable. Even if we actually thought that we might need consent it does not matter because the consequence arising from failing to obtain consent to do something will not apply to us. We are able to escape blame, evade liability and shirk culpability.
- Our sense of superiority. Consent is a chain. It restricts and hinders. We are the behemoth that strides ever forward and as such consent does not apply to a titan like us. Consent is what the little people have to obtained.
This attitude to consent means that we behave like a marauding invader. Everything is up for grabs. How might this manifest?
With the Lesser it is blatant and obvious. He will tell you that he is moving in with you and turn up with his suitcase and guitar (with broken string) and smile as he breezes past you into the house. Your resources are taken – money, food, energy – without any explanation offered. Your friends are seized either to be shoved to one aside and told what the Lesser really thinks of them, or flirted with and identified for triangulation potential. The Lesser will invite him round without asking, use your car without checking first (and not replace the petrol that is used). He will readily incur credit on your behalf. If you challenge him about this failure to seek and obtain consent all he will hear is that you are criticising him. He will rarely bother to even think of an excuse for his actions. He does not need to explain himself to you. If he does decide to respond the explanation is usually obviously incredible but this does not matter to him because he can do as he pleases and you need to get with the program.
“We share everything in this house.”
“What’s yours is mine.”
“I can’t believe you are making such a fuss.”
“No I didn’t use it.”
“It wasn’t me.”
“Somebody else must have taken it.”
He can do this because he is who he is and you had better quit you complaining out you will get what is coming to you and then some. Your person fairs no better. You will be groped in public, he will get up in your face during arguments, assault you, rape you, expect you to look the way he wants you too without any consideration for whether you wanted his name tattooed on your neck or whether short hair actually suits you. He is entitled. Full stop.
The Mid-Range is less brutish and obvious in his sequestrating behaviour but is no less invasive. Where he differs from the Lesser is that he has enough control not to fly off the handle when challenged about the fact that he used the housekeeping for beer or used up all the hot water without putting the immersion heater on. Instead, the Mid-Range will offer an explanation, even an apology (although it is not meant) in order to ensure that consent is retrospectively given.
“I thought I had already asked you.”
“I am sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I will remember next time.”
“It was an emergency and I did not have time. Don’t be angry with me.”
“I will replace it tomorrow (that won’t happen) let’s not fall out now, I have something good to tell you.”
“I meant to get another one, I just plain forgot because I was busy running around after you.”
“I was hungry; you don’t begrudge me having something to eat do you?”
The Mid-Range will con you into granting consent so that he can file this away and use it for next time.
“But you didn’t mind last time.”
“Last time you said it was okay.”
“You said nothing when I did it last time, so how am I to know you don’t agree now? I am not a mind-reader.”
The Mid-Range will especially engage in making you feel sorry for him so you grant the consent retrospectively, he will make you feel guilty for objecting and make you seem like a spoilsport if you do not go along with what he wants.
What about the Greater? As you would expect there is none of the out and out grabbing of the Lesser as the Greater finds such behaviour vulgar. Nor would he engage in the pitiful mewling of the Mid-Range, that is ignoble and beneath the Greater. Of course the Greater has just as great, if not greater expectations that he can do as he pleases however his increased cognitive ability and awareness means that if need be, he will just plough on regardless and do as he pleases but he recognises the value in actually obtaining consent. Indeed, the extraction of this consent from a seemingly unwilling victim is a challenge the Greater relishes as it draws fuel, underlines his power and emphasises his superiority. You can expect the Greater to use emotional blackmail, bribery and coercion to extract the consent.
“If you agree to do it, I will take you somewhere good for dinner.”
“If you don’t do it, I will leave you.”
“If you refuse I just might have to publish those pictures I have of you.”
“I never thought of your as boring, everybody else does it you know?”
“My ex would do it without question. Maybe I made a mistake leaving her for you?”
The Greater applies pressure, immense pressure in order to extract this consent so that the reality is that consent was never properly given, but that is not going to stop the Greater. Once you nod, say you agree, mutter “okay then”, consent has been delivered and he will plough on with whatever it is that he wants to do. Do not think you can change your mind. In the world of the Greater, you cannot withdraw consent once given and it holds good for the rest of the relationship. It is not applicable as a one off.
The Greater also will apply plausible deniability to any situation where consent becomes an issue, so that if he is challenged by a third party with regard to the issue of consent, for example, taking somebody’s vehicle or using their money, he will use a combination of charm and out and out lies in order to damage the victim’s version of events and make it appear that consent was provided. The scheming intelligence of the Greater combined with the traits mentioned at the outset of this piece enable him to behave with impunity with regard to the issue of consent.
22 thoughts on “Consent”
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Dr. HQ,
I believe the saying is… it takes 7 years for our skin cells to replace themselves and then it’s like they never touched us. Perhaps a sauna or exfoliating frequently could speed that up.
Anything short of completely ripping my skin off won’t suffice lol.
Ok, but don’t do that Dr. Q…. then you’ll lose the ever-important Pretty Factor! ;-)Lol.
Caroline,
You’re right – why would I disfigure myself for that peasant? Lmao
Ahahaha!! I exfoliate daily!!!
I can relate to this article in every way……A Lesser who I barely knew other than a few chats asked me to loan him money for a new car he wanted…..when I asked him why on earth would I loan you money?…..his answer was simply……”just.” Just why he thought I would, never became clear. He did not give up that easily either….
The Mid Range did something that he should not have done without asking permission first……I felted tricked……when I confronted him about it his answer was “I was only trying to take care of you.”……this translated to…… I was just taking care of myself…..
The Greater I knew when caught cheating stated “every one else does it…..there is not one man I know that hasn’t.”……..in hindsight I had to agree with him………as I don’t know one man that hasn’t either!!! That’s my own fault for only fraternising with narcs I guess …….Diva
Can you comment, HG, as to how this mindset applies to rape or sexual assault? My guess would Lesser would rape outright. Mid would act in the murky waters between no and NO! Greater has no need. Is that about right?
The influencing factors are sense of entitlement, viewing people as objects which are to be controlled and the lack of culpability. Those strands are similar in all three schools. The differing factor is the method of achieving what is desired – fuel and control. In board terms, the Lesser would use blatant intimidating behaviour namely verbal and physical violence to override any lack of consent. The Mid Range would utilise a few different techniques – in one instance taking advantage of an individual who might be inebriated for example, or in another, wearing the victim down by “you would if you loved me” or “I know you want to really” or “my (insert ex) had slept with me by this point”, alternatively they would use Pity Plays to their advantage. The Greater as you point out, would not need to, charm, presence and magnetism achieve the outcome.
the Lesser would use blatant intimidating behaviour namely verbal and physical violence to override any lack of consent.
This makes me certain my father was a lesser. He committed incest on two of my siblings and started on me but my sister told a counselor at school about it and he was put in jail.
Right on point as usual – my midranger would constantly pity play me, silent treatment me, have a trantrum, complain …and ultimately keep pushing it on me.
We would be fighting over sex and I ended up yelling or crying and at some point when we were making up he would start trying to have sex with me again and I would say “what the fuck!? This is what we were just fighting over!” He would be like “oh come on when we have sex everything is so much better – I don’t know why you fight me on this” or the yelling and silence would continue…
I tried to look bored while I complied at times and that just seemed to turn him on more!
I then tried “fine let’s get this over with” and that appeared to be more effective at getting him to stop trying to fuck me for a little while. I was so not into him that I would constantly reject his constant attempts to go down on me (that was the probably the one thing he was good for – if I didn’t hate him so much).
If I did comply with sex and I wasn’t in the mood for a particular act which I didn’t like to begin with I was direct about it and all of a sudden a few minutes into the act he would try t and I would yell at him and he would say “but you know I like it – can’t you do it for me?”
The entitlement was so ugly. For a good piece of the relationship that asshole would come to bed and no joke look at me and take out his dick and continue to look at me after ignoring me or throwing passive aggressive comments all day.
Ugh ugh ugh that shit is so ugly. Yeah, and the idiot wonders why I stopped banging him! Why would I want to? You give me nothing (attention, doing things for me, going out of his way to do well anything including a text message), you whine, you don’t try, you just complain about me, you never have my back, you put me down in passive aggressive ways constantly, I mean I could keep going. Oh wait he would come over drenched in sweat – like someone threw a bucket of sweat on him… and leave turds in the toilet. I mean why would I want to have sex with that?
The truth is – I lost interest (especially sexually) and stopped loving him very early on in the relationship.
Ugh…ugh…ugh … just ugh.
How I ever touched him makes me like wanna die. He should just go camp out in a park and ride or the damn woods in the park and leave everyone alone. He’s such a waste.
DQ— totally relate to your sex posts. could go on and on. the worst (as if it all wasn’t worst material) was the night i knew i was going to escape. (avert your eyes anyone who may be appalled. oh right. we are all here as a result of appalling behavior) i obliged in coitus. only that usually wasn’t enough. all about the deep throat. my jaws still hurt. ikr. but whatev to make him shut up or for the night to end. icky to write and see. i could go on about DT too, but will save that for another grotesque confession. anyhow. the last time we were intimate (hardly) was the day i knew i was out. he had no clue. i rolled over the bed and spit out on my hoodie on the floor. could not, would not stomach him. why did i stay and or do that? bc i always did that. and the DV hotline said have a plan (made one) and that post escape is most dangerous time for a victim (didn’t know hg, npd or hoover back then) but ya. that. sad. and damn proud. walked. out. kept my plan. it got way harder before easier. still is. not all that relates to you DQ but it got me thinking..
Tappan Zee,
Yours sounds terrible – far more overtly aggressive than mine. I’m really sorry goj went through all of that. I do completely relate to “getting it over with”. It felt disgusting.
I think a narcissist with pyschopath traits would be more likely to commit rape and the greater.
Lesser narcs are cowards, I think that under the influence of a substance maybe. Greaters will do it for power.
There was a extemely handsome doctor sexually assaulted over 30 women. Unmarried young had several women thoughing themselves at him. It wasnt blatant the abuse was covert. Patient report severe migranes undress the doctor will be right in. Until someone reported him. They set up a sting and finally arrested him.
H.W. is seeking treatment for sexual addiction. 😊 Now everyone has something to say pretends they are disgusted. He went from pervert to sex offender. IMO he messed with an opportunist. I am not victim blaming, when you walk in to hotel room the lines are blurred.
Football player D.S. drugging women after they come to his hotel. I dont think they drug the women because thats the only way to get it. It’s given so freely by most. Drugging gives them power. Sick, but all in the name of power.
B.C. same m.o. but more influential.
I’ve learned how to deal with the greaters. The midrangers just get on my nerves and thank God I’ve never had to deal with a lesser! I have much empathy for you all that lived with lessers!
Hi Windstorm,
My primary relationships have been with Midrangers and I learned how to deal with them as best as I was able. I have a friend who is a Greater, I suspect and is brilliant. I believe I briefly dated a lesser, charming at first and then everything just felt “off.” Got rid of him quickly, but he does keep trying to come back! Of course, I didn’t know they were Narcissists until reading HG’s work! I guess I am a Narc Classist too!
My father was a lesser. I don’t ever remember him ever living in the same house as I was four when he and my mother got divorced. (lucky me). I come to this conclusion from the stories my siblings have told me.
The more I read I think mine was a greater not a midrange except he doesn’t have the power or wealth of a greater but he acts more like one than a midranger
Kimmichaud1
They don’t necessarily have to be wealthy. And there are many different types of power – sometimes behind the scenes. From my understanding of HG’s description, what makes a greater is high intelligence and self awareness.
He’s intelligent for sure highly charming and manipulative doesn’t act like a victim like most midrangers but self awareness I don’t know if he is self aware he definitely won’t admit it to me but he has made a few weird statements that sound like admissions of being a narc except he wouldn’t use the word narc since English is his fifth language first being Arabic hmm I wonder
That’s what I think of the one I was unfortunate enough to have been entangled with. I told him what he was and he didn’t deny it, he almost grinned. He “strutted” and acted like he owned the place and everything in it. He especially did this while walking out of my bedroom after sex. Boy! did he strut then! He wasn’t rich but he wasn’t poor (thanks to the money his wife made – and he was great at spending it!!) Glad he’s gone.
The more I read and the more my head clears after I GOSO with NC the more he plummets from MR to L. That is all.