Cheating On The Narcissist


I know, I know, who would do such a thing, but it does happen. Not often, but it does. How do we react to this in case it was something that you were considering doing?

To begin with, it is worthwhile explaining however just how rare it is to find that our victims are willing to cheat on us. There are several reasons for this:-

  1. During the seduction period there is absolutely no reason to do so. This is exciting, wonderful, love at its finest (apparently) and because of this golden period, cheating on this amazing person who has come into your life would be like cutting off your right arm. Pointless.
  2. The empathic traits of honesty and decency mean that cheating is anathema to the victim.
  3. The empathic traits of being a love devotee and someone who believes in fixing and healing means that the victim would rather address the problems (in the mistaken belief that they can be cured)  with the narcissist that go elsewhere.
  4. The desire to return to the golden period means that the victim does not want to do anything whereby they will lose our kind. Instead, they want to cling on in the hope of matters improving.
  5. Many empathic individuals subscribe to the concept of two wrongs not making a right.
  6. Being a truth seeker, the empathic victim finds themself unable to contemplate behaving in a deceitful manner through cheating.

These factors all militate against the victim cheating on the narcissist. Nevertheless, if on the rare occasions it does happen, what is the reaction of each school of narcissist?

As you should have anticipated, the revelation of your being unfaithful to us is a massive criticism. This tells us in no uncertain terms, that you regard somebody as superior to us. You are our primary source. You belong to us. Yes, we, through our sense of entitlement and lack of accountability will do as we please, but you cannot. We are hugely hypocritical as we commit numerous acts of infidelity, but you must not. Any external observer, though reluctant to sanction such a transgression, would undoubtedly understand why the victim has done so given the onslaught of abuse perpetrated by our kind. That is no excuse or reason in our eyes.

A normal person would be upset and would most likely have cause to wonder why the other person has behaved in such a manner. Leaving aside instances where a person is dealing with a narcissist who is unfaithful, ordinarily the cuckolded individual will wonder why this has happened? Is there something deficient in the relationship? Does something need to be addressed and resolved?

Not us.

You should be kneeling before us on a daily basis and giving thanks for being chosen by us to be our primary source. For you to be unfaithful and cheat on us creates a huge wound. We are made to feel worthless, inferior and desperate. You have acted against us, you have operated beyond our control and you have criticised us. All of the matters which are of prime concern to us – status, omnipotence, power and control – have been eroded by your behaviour. You are a traitor. A base and venal traitor who has been corrupted by some outside and interfering agent. You have thrown everything we have done back in our faces (as we of course conveniently forget everything that we have done to you) and we hate you.

Such an act is one which ignites our fury as we now desperately require fuel to heal the huge wound that you have caused. This is no minor abrasion. This is a savage and deep strike which threatens to topple us.

The Lesser will respond in a furious display of his ignited fury. You will be physically attacked and beaten. You will be forced to identify who the other party is and as the Lesser of our kind drinks in the fuel from your tears and terror, it will not be enough. He will seek out the other party and assault them as well. Property will be destroyed, windows put through, car tyres slashed, rooms wrecked as the Lesser spirals out of control. He becomes a frenzied whirlwind which will kick out at anybody and everybody around him, but most of all you. Cheating on a Lesser carries with is a considerable risk of serious physical injury, even death as he loses control in an instant and cannot regain it. The extent of the wounding is so substantial that the fuel demand rockets. You can expect to be beaten unconscious and for the Lesser to wait until you have regained consciousness to assault you again. This brutality will be sustained and wide-ranging. It is only when fuel has been obtained from you and others that the Lesser’s inferno like rage will abate. He will then depart and seek out an intimate partner tertiary source (such as a prostitute) or an intimate partner secondary source (an ongoing prospect or find one) as he continues his punishment of you by having sex with somebody else. He will return and if you have not made good your escape by this point he will use your infidelity as a repeated stick (both figuratively and literally) to beat you with on a repeated basis thereafter, since each time he looks on you he will be reminded of your infidelity.

The Mid-Ranger will also lose control on learning of your infidelity. Whereas the Lesser will adopt an all-out assault, the Mid-Range will alternate between attacking you and wanting you feel guilty. He will want to talk the matter through as he struggles to comprehend how someone could this to him after everything that he has done. He will keep you up all night as he takes an almost masochistic delight in cross-examining you about every detail of what has happened. He will want to know who, what he does, where you met, how many times, whether the sex was good or not, did you use protection, why did you do it, why he is not good enough. The questions will be like machine gun fire, spat at you as he forces you to explain yourself. He will weep and then slap you. He will provide you with a litany of his good points (rejecting any suggestion of his failings being a catalyst for what you have done) and then spit at you. He will tell you that you should leave but he will not do it because he wants you to suffer. He wants you to look on his apparently heart-broken face and feel guilt and boy does he know that you do guilt. He wants to relish in your discomfort, your heart felt remorse as he gains fuel from your upset, your sympathy and your apologies.

Ever the attention-seeker from the crowd you can expect the Mid-Ranger to call your parents, your friends, your colleagues and anybody else he can think of to tell them about what you have done. He will stand on the telephone as he declares how hard hit is he by your awful behaviour and you will listen. He will organise a crisis committee and ensure several people immediately come to the house as you are put on trial again. He will relish in receiving the sympathy of others and the downcast looks as shame washes over you. No matter how justified you might have felt at seeking the attentions of another, the Mid-Ranger will keep at you until you break and sobbing wail your sorrow.

The Mid-Ranger will use this as evidence of you being a sex addict, that there is something wrong with you and insist that you attend a doctor of go to therapy to address this. He will not cast you aside as he wants you to do penance for your crime. He won’t confront the person you were unfaithful with, he is too much of a coward to do so but will rather ensure that your infidelity is used as a method of control. Thus, if you slept with a neighbour, you have to move house. If it is a friend, you see him no more and none of the associated social circle. You are placed on a curfew, not being allowed to go out for months on end in a social sense. If a colleague, you must move jobs. The Mid-Ranger will want you to work at repairing the marriage or relationship but he will not address his faults. Not at all. It will be all about making you improve.

The Greater is likely to know about your infidelity before you admit it. His extensive desire to control and his reliance on monitoring your movements through technology and his network of spying lieutenants means he will compile a dossier of information. In such an instance, where the Greater, aided by his own sense of paranoia, has suspicions, he will be able to keep his control in check and we shall return in a moment to how he responds when he has gotten wind of your cheating.

If he has not realised and you confess then the Greater will not be able to control his ignited fury either. He will erupt and it is in this instance that the Greater is likely to use physical or sexual violence against his primary source. His pain from the criticism is substantial but what actually tips him over the edge is the fact that he had not realised and he ought to have done so. His sense of being all-knowing and all-powerful is mortally wounded by your behaviour and this is just as bad as the fact that you have sought solace in the arms of the other. His usual substantial control will be lost and his malicious fury will be vented against you. You are likely to be attacked and then ejected from the property. All attempts to mollify him, to apologise, to try and make things right will be rejected. He will need a fierce burst of fuel from this one explosion and once it has been received he will assert his control again. From that point he does not need fuel from you. Indeed, you are no persona non grata. He will discard you and turn to another, embedding the prospective primary source as quick as possible in a show of defiance but it will not end there. You will be subjected to malign hoovers as he punishes you. He does not want you. You are soiled goods, tarnished, but he will not let you forget what you did and thus you will be smeared and subjected to a vicious campaign of malign hoovers.

If the Greater has worked out what you are up to, his delight at gathering this information (and thus reinforcing his cunning, guile and superiority) means that he can maintain control. Instead he will plot and plan. He will be quietly smearing you behind the scenes. He will be scheming to unveil your infidelity and to shame you. It is likely that he will use your birthday, an anniversary or an impromptu get together with friends and family so that he can have a grand audience for your execution. He will strike when you least expect it and the evidence that he has acquired (and he will go to considerable lengths to obtain it) will be unveiled on the big screen to all assembled. Thus, hidden video footage of you giving a blow job to your paramour in the house you shared with the narcissist will be shown. A slide show of the texts you pinged back and forth will be compiled after your ‘phone was breached. A recording of your conversations will be replayed (and suitably edited to make you sound even worse) to all of those who are gathered.

As the tears of shame trickle down your face, the Greater will revel in your downfall and the shocked and disgusted reactions of all around you. He will cement the façade and have you cast as the whore, the scarlet woman and the ungrateful bitch. Try pinning the blame on the Greater when your family and friends have witnessed two minutes of you being pounded by the neighbour on the marital bed. You have no chance.

Following this shaming, you will be discarded, a new primary source already primed and waiting in the wings and then the malign hoover campaign will begin, aided and abetted by our coterie, our Lieutenants and the now converted and disgusted third parties. You receive the equivalent of being tarred and feathered.

55 thoughts on “Cheating On The Narcissist

  1. me2 says:

    Maybe its different for me because of my borderline personality. Sadly, I also do not feel remorse when I cheat. Aside from my ex who is a narc, I have always cheated in my relationships. Maybe I didn’t on him because he was around all the time. As soon as devaluation and cold fury begins, I instinctively run and find a new guy to pay attention to me and replace him when he leaves. When my ex Upper Mid Range hoovers (which I realize now were triggered by me), he never fails to look through my phone, laptop, etc. and finds “proof” of my “cheating” even though he discarded me! I would argue that if we weren’t together in a formal relationship, then how was it cheating? Interestingly, when this scenario happens, I get love bombed and we end up reinstating the formal relationship. If he doesn’t find evidence of another man, I get shelved. Hmm.

  2. Alessa says:

    HG this happens when someone cheats on the narcissist, but what would be likely to happen if I break with him (definitely) because of several years lacking of love, as well as triangulation and control (as an IPSS)…. Now I break up with a Greater after several attempts, but this time I stated I am sure of this decision (fuel free statement), and I did not say this but I have identified a potential couple, and I have been emotionally free from the Greater for a long time. He had been devaluating me slowly (constantly I would say), but he was not willing to break up at this point. Also, I should say it is easy for the Greater to know about this person afterwards… Does the reaction change because he cannot ensare me with any new couple, at least not as a cheater, and I have been clear and honest about breaking up with him…?

  3. Nycha says:

    I cheated on my ex to get out of the reltionship. Even if the relationship was so destructive, I couldn’t get out of it because of the stupid “he’s my first, he took my virginity” thinking. I had to do something to kind of make that fact less significant, thus be able to get out. But I still struggle with the fact tht I have chosen wrong person for my first relationship, and struggling with the fact that I cheated in a relationship even if I manage to break up with him right afterwards. Also makes me think if I was the bad one he gets rid of and continue a relationship with the other woman he had been ping pong-ing me with.

    Leave me thinking badly about myself that even if the first time was the narcissist destroying me, but as a concequence I destroy myself afterwards, he kind of get destroying me even without having to do anything. This may sound like a blameshift, but sex has once been a big deal for me

  4. wounded says:

    One thing that still bothers me as a married target: why make nice with the spouse? I tried pulling away at least twice and the narc never bad mouthed him. Instead he “agreed” with me only for the game to start anew until I was so completely wrapped up there was no going back. Its been mentioned by HG that this is not a typical tactic (there are too many other behaviors to say he’s not a narc but instead a womanizer) but for some reason this is the one piece of the puzzle that doesn’t make sense. HG I would greatly appreciate any input.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Façade management, triangulation, recognition that doing so would work against the narcissist.

      1. wounded says:

        Thank you HG. That question has been a thorn for awhile.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

    2. Supernova DE says:

      I had the same experience with my narc. He never badmouthed my husband, except poorly veiled comments indicating he was jealous of him.
      I never badmouthed his wife either, I made sure of it, even in the very beginning when he was smearing her to me. Of course over time, and pretty quickly, I realized he was demonizing her and that he was just as much an asshole as her, if not more.
      I agree with HG, they can tell what are the “no go” areas with you, and they avoid them. Plus, if he is a mid ranger, wanting to be seen as the good guy (facade) means they have to modify at times.

      1. wounded says:

        Thank you Supernova. I’ll always have questions, of course, but know this helps make more sense of my entanglement.

  5. Tiffany says:

    Will a IPSS or DLS who cheated on a greater once and/or left him for another, for a short period, be discarded permanently, after the malign hoovers by all of the lieutenants, coterie etc, has taken place? Ie is there any exception to the rule of only death separates an IPSS/DLS and a greater fx that in an instance of cheating the discard will indeed be permanent and when it is a greater?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No exceptions. No escape – save through the House of Tudor.

      1. Tiffany says:

        Well the one N is know laid a plan since 2015 to get me back in, using hoovers and lieutenants/coterie, that he succeeded with in 2016, and then only to start a very steep devaluation starting from app 3 times after we met in 2016, and then a discard in late 2017, and up till today 2018 the status is discard and with smearing, malign hoovers and active use of lieutenants/coterie, and triangulation with his IPPS. So it certainly feels like one is if not dead to him, then very, very rolled in feathers and trying to destroy my reputation etc, portraying me as a crazy person to his IPPS (she knows who I am now). So I am not sure what his next step is, if only to escalate even further and set an example of me, towards others. I fear the ultimate escalation of his, now.

  6. Supernova DE says:

    As a married target, how does the narc regard our interactions with our spouses? Is that treacherous or expected?
    Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. MB says:

        Good question Supernova DE. Talk about a double standard! Best not to bring up the hubby I suppose. Painted black real quick.

    2. Chihuahuamum says:

      Hi supernova.. my narc has told me he would understand if i was intimate with my spouse. I believe him.bc he feels secure knowing i stay in my marriage opposed if i left. If i left i could have expectations or meet someone else.
      Would he feel i was treacherous as HG states? It depends i think if it ruined what hes getting from me then yes id be a traitor for rekindling my marriage but if it didnt affect the dynamic between us then no i dont think id be painted black but only the narc knows.

      1. Supernova DE says:

        Chihuahuamum and MB,
        I am so confused on this particular topic. My narc has known all along my marriage with my husband was decent and that we are intimate on a quite regular basis. My sexual interactions with narc were always used to blow off EXTRA steam, not as my main outlet for this. He knew this, as I articulated it to him many times.
        I can see times when he gave me silent treatments or shelvings after I posted something nice about my husband on FB or the like…very passive aggressive lol.
        When I began looking for other sexting partners online, he never reacted outwardly. Never once said, “I wish you wouldn’t”. And that’s all it would have taken, he was certainly my priority in that regard. But I guess that’s the game…?…by telling me he wants frivolity and no definitions and do whatever we like but then have me under control at the same time…except he didn’t because I was still doing it.
        Honestly the more I learn the more surprised I am that I wasn’t disengaged from a year ago.

        During last conversation with narc:
        Narc: “Seriously, the last year has been insane, just nuts!”
        Me: “Yep, I agree. When we both play the game, it gets really ugly between us.”
        Narc: “Or one can choose to not play the game, which is what I did.” (meaning he cut me off)

        Wish I had a narc decoder ring for that one haha

        1. MB says:

          Supernova DE. “Narc decoder ring” 😂 Being here is the closest you will get to that.

          1. Supernova DE says:

            MB I know haha!! And I am grateful for it 😁

  7. RG says:

    HG, would any of this apply to a DLS? I can only assume that is what I was as I knew nothing of him, his life or even where he lived and worked.
    I’m currently being pummelled with verbal abuse via text and being called horrendous names. The Narc is a highly intelligent sexual sociopath with NPD. He’s implied that he will slur my name by saying ‘if my children knew what a whore I was they would hate me’…
    Just wanted him to leave me as he was just toying with me, hence why telling him I’d been with others.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, it is applicable to a DLS. Do not respond to the hoovers. Change your number. If you require a detailed plan to tackle this situation then I recommend that you organise a consultation.

  8. gr says:

    i cheated on my narc. I did it for a lot of reasons. 1. because he cheated
    2. Because i knew that he never forgive me and maybe then he will leave me the hell alone. 3. to give someone else a chance 4. to know i had my revenge

  9. kim says:

    HG…you said this includes IPSS also. Is the reaction as strong for an IPSS cheating as with the IPPS cheating for a Mid-Range?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Lori says:

        You know this is interesting. Mr Lesser knew of my entanglement of with Narc 1. He told me early on that of I ever spoke to him we were done.

        Fast Forward to my shelving and I mentioned that narc 1 had contacted me. He told me ignore him. I said easier said than done. He said that’s because you are still attached. I said no I’m not. He said you want to go back. I have continued to be shelved.

        There has since been a blow up whereby my main profile on fb was blocked. I really don’t care that he blocked me and honestly it’s been the best thing he could have done as the provocations have stopped

        How would a narc react to that?

  10. Erin says:

    A few months after my disengagement from my Elite Greater Narc, when he was attempting to reinstate me as his IPPS, I told him I thought it best not to continue meeting as I had started dating someone and I didn’t want to risk ruining it. Would that be perceived as cheating in the eyes of a narc?

    I was reading one of your books and you mention how codependents are highly prized: do narcs actively try to steal them from each other even after one has claimed him/her as an IPPS? If so, and if such “theft” were successful, wouldn’t that instantly cause huge mistrust in said codependent as she/ he has proven to be a cheat? Maybe the self-entitlement makes them think “Well, how could he/she resist me? It’s not his/her fault…the other one didn’t deserve him/her, but he/she would never cheat on ME!”.

    My EGN was always happy when he saw other men hitting on me, and one of his friends even asked him if he could make a move on me. I was completely oblivious to it all (it has been pointed out to me that I rarely catch on when someone fancies me) and nothing happened, also because I am not a cheater. He later told me of his friend’s request and I asked what he had said, and he replied ” If you had accepted his advances, I would not be angry at him but at you.” That always felt very strange.

  11. Not So Sad says:

    Interesting article HG. Instinctively I knew if I ever even contemplated cheating the consequences would have been catastrophic but it reminds me of something.

    While I was being devalued a local delivery guy who thought I was single put a note through my door with his mobile number on it asking if I’d like to go out for a ” no strings attached” drink with him .. Yes I know what No stings attached really means,however ..

    He wasn’t my type but as I was an all time low I was rather flattered that someone thought I was attractive enough to ask out . .. so I kept his number even though I had no intentions of ever calling it.

    BAD MOVE ..

    A few weeks later I ordered a takeaway & was surprised when the owner delivered my order ( rather than the delivery driver) I remember asking at the time where the usual driver was to be told that he’d left to work somewhere else ..

    A few months later post discard I saw the delivery driver outside the takeaway & casually asked if he hadn’t liked his new job .. Imagine my surprise when he told me that in fact he’d never left .

    It transpired that ” It ” had found his note contacted him on his mobile & in no uncertain terms told him what would happen if he ever delivered anything to my house or tried to contact me ever again. The poor guy was too scared to come back & I knew absolutely nothing about it .

    Even in those final stages & with it’s new supply nearly secured it didn’t want to loose it’s control over me .. ..IT doesn’t bare thinking about what he would have done to me or the driver if I’d actually gone.

  12. kq says:

    But what about when they’re completely obsessed with the idea that you have cheated on them, and you haven’t? In the last 4 years of our mess I was accused of sleeping with baristas, best friends (female and male) and 70 year old neighbors.
    But why?!
    I’m not flirtatious in the least, but I am well liked and personable with many. He knows I’ve never cheated on a partner before. He would constantly bring it up or hint at some sort of moment he somehow noticed between me and any random person.
    Men were always checking me out.
    Men always wanted to sleep with me.
    I will admit I was (apparently very) out of his league – his family always and still do maintain this fact.
    HG what’s the rationale behind that? I didn’t even give good fuel when he did start on the topic.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Because the narcissist instinctively knows this offends your sense of fidelity, honesty and decency. Thus you will react in a stronger fashion which gives him more fuel.
      It is nothing to do with there being any evidence of you doing anything wrong (although we do like to seize on the merest whiff and turn it into cast iron evidence of your wrongdoing) because we will just seize on this as a vulnerability of yours in order to draw fuel from you, maintain control and assert superiority. Anything and everything will be used against you to enable us to achieve our aims, irrespective of whether you have actually done anything. Where you have particular vulnerabilities we will seize on those all the more.

  13. Windstorm2 says:

    My husband always knew that if I ever found out he had ad an affair I would just shoot him in the head in the night when he was asleep – warning. He, for some reason, felt this was an overreaction.

    Occasionally when we would hear of someone we knew being caught cheating, he would say that he thought “the best revenge was for the wife to have a very public, smutty affair,” then he would look at me like he was making a point. To which I would always say, “I think she should shoot him.” (What can I say – I’m a one trick pony).

    Now reading this makes me wonder… why would he have said that? If it was a hint to me, he had to know that he would just have used that to smear me and make his behavior seem understandable. When I think about it the narcs involved that we knew were all midrangers. Would that have been a good revenge on a midranger who had cheated? I still think it would backfire on any woman who tried it.

    1. Mercy says:

      Windstorm I know a women who cheated on her mid narc…NOT good revenge. He has run her in the dirt then pulled her back just to ruin her again. Over and over the cycle doesn’t end. I’ve never witnesses anything like it.

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        I’m not surprised. It just seems to me that no good can come from doing the same thing to someone that you you absolutely hated when it was done to you.

      2. Windstorm2 says:

        Maybe when my husband said that, he was thinking from the narcs viewpoint. If a woman cheated on a narc, he could have a very public, smutty Affair and pull it off. It would hurt her and he could use her previous Affair to justify his actions and maybe even get sympathy.

      3. Mercy says:

        Windstorm thats exactly what I was thinking when I read your first response. He was probably thinking of how you having an affair would be positive for him. Sympathy, a excuse for his cheating and a juicy smear campaign where you have a secret porn star life and sex addiction that no one knows about 😊

        It’s so strange watching this go down as a outsider. The girl that cheated wounded him so badly that he will NEVER let it go. And the crazy part is after he disengages with her she runs out and hooks up with another guy. Then the narc pulls her back in and he has more ammo to smear her. It’s such a ugly cycle. I really dont feel sorry for her. It’s like she does these things because she knows it’ll give her attention from him. I almost wonder if she is a narc too.

  14. Twilight says:

    Does this only relate to the IPPS?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Twilight says:

        Just so I am clear this includes IPSS

        1. HG Tudor says:


          1. Twilight says:

            Thank you HG

          2. Windstorm2 says:

            Ha, ha!! Only a narcissist would expect his secondary sources to be faithful! I guess that goes for all the DLSs too!

  15. BlueOcean says:

    The cluster B guy wrote to me, that now he ‘did not want to meet with me at all!’ I was beyond hurt and in pain as I understood this as him ending it with me (this was after months and months of devaluations and long absent silence treatments, gaslightning, and just a lot of bluff and punishments and humiliations, only to leave me with small baits or a tiny little meeting here and there to keep me hooked – ALL of this because I had previously left him, for some time for a boyfriend (the only one I had since I got to know him and while it had come to my knowledge at a much later stage (years) and when I was deeply in with feelings, that he had had several girlfriends and was even living with one during all the time I knew him). So what happened was that when I received his message, the pain was so immense that I could not deal with MORE pain.. like at all .. it was unbearable. And so I decided, that in order to just to get through the next day, to reverse the situation with logic and try and completely forget about him and have fun. I somehow entered a secret room in myself, like in a form of denial of my real feelings of hurt, closing the door to my heart, to get through the day. To my greatest surprise, I then ran into an extremely rare situation that same night and that kind of involved that I was ‘cheating’ on him. I have always instinctively understood by his grooming of me that I could not have the same freedom as him (and did not want to either because I worshipped him totally). However, I did not know that I was that night, because in my understanding, he had ended it. But then the Cluster B guy then suddenly pooff – out of thin air reappeared the next day as if nothing had happened and if we should meet. Loyal as I am, I followed through, although my feelings were completely smashed, having told myself all night that it was over and being in a kind of surreal overhappy mood – and now this? I was in total confusion. It later appeared that it was just a kind of malign hoover to drag me in again and only upon which he could then make the disappearing act again, not keeping his promise to meet, leaving me with totally smashed feelings again, only this time he did not tell me anything, he simply disappeared. When I understood what had happened, I was again submitted to an unbelievable huge amount of pain and the thought of months to come having to plead to meet and being in agony 105% of the time and sleepless nights, I decided to reverse the situation, in spite of deep in my heart I only ever just wanted to see him. So my logic took over and I decided to write him that if he did not want to meet anymore why he did not simply tell me upfront several months ago and that I did not understand someone who spends all of that time to incur pain on someone innocent who actually loves him, and that I did not know why he was ‘so fucked up upset like a girl’, using the f-word that he has never been shy to use towards me, against him, and while comparing his behaviour to one as a girl, misogyne creature as he is that would maybe be a big insult, and also reproaching him to behave as if he was without control of his feelings (but obviously these were all meticulously calculated acts, taking place over several months) but perception is reality right?! But more importantly, I was afraid that if the last writing to him was just ‘I really had hoped to see you’ that then I would have to deal with him reappearing again suddenly just like he did all of the other million times, while myself being tempted to write him again also .. going through more pain .. and so if I was not going to have a complete breakdown or similar, I needed to kind of cut him off myself. So I did cut him off, like that, knowing that this would if not cut it off for real, (or maybe this was what he wanted? That I did the real ending-it work finally? Because when I tried to escape during the intense devaluation phase, I was manipulated by proxy to continue to give him fuel) then it would at least buy me a lot of time away from him .. – but now I fear that another scenario is that his +2 months silence treatments, after that, and since he never said anything to me in uncertain terms that this was it, afterwards I wrote that, but that instead this could be a build up for the final downgrade and where he will show me all his superiority and contempt and hate, him waiting for the right time to strike, and when he knows I am at my weakest time of the year, and which could be executed in several ways. I always told myself to say less to this man, out of fear, because I know his strengths, and all his relatively powerful network, but so now I broke that rule, because of the super-pain. The future will show if this is it and he has abandoned me for good or if this is a build up for a final downgrade, or if he will do his ‘pretend nothing happened’ approach out of the blue, I guess that technically the latter is also a scenario although I do not consider that very likely after the things I wrote. Or maybe he doesn’t even care what I wrote, because in his mind he has now, after all this long devaluation etc, gotten even with me and the narcissistic injury I caused him by leaving him for a boyfriend. That was 2 years ago! He schemed and plotted all of this time, first to get me back in and then the super-punishment, all of this for achieving revenge. The ‘cheating’ that night then left me with a to him unforeseen upper-hand (all is a zero-sum game to him) and that he subsequently needed to have adjusted..So that he could end up showing what he had planned all the time; his superiority and contempt, after having punished me severely, which all of these months were fundamentally about.

  16. Sophia says:

    Thinking back to all the times he cheated, I kinda wish I had. I’d love to be able to tell him I cheated just to give him a taste of his own medicine. I doubt I’m alone here. Ha

    1. Sam says:

      I do too. Although it’s completely against my values and morals. I did other things tho, like went mentally crazy. Man, I cried all the time.

      But he made sure I’d never cheat on him. I thought the prick was God. Who would cheat on a God?

  17. Diva says:

    Hmmmmm……it’s a pity I am allergic to feathers!!!…..Diva

    1. RS says:


  18. RS says:

    I forgot to add, that I hope I have learned enough from you, HG, to never fall prey to one of your kind again. If I DO, I will make sure to never cheat on him!

  19. RS says:

    Well isn’t this all just so lovely?! Good to know.

  20. Kimi says:

    I’m in the 2nd Hoover period by my LMR Narc, although the relationship has now been re-established. Early on, I revealed that I had been dating one man during his 6 month absence. He considered this the ultimate betrayal, as we all know now that we belong to the Narc forever. I did experience his heated fury, followed by a Silent Treatment of 2 days.

    What he does not know, but does suspect is that I continue to see this other man. My knowledge of who the Narc really is and is not, plus his modus operandi have left me completely untethered regarding my moral compunction and treatment of him. In fact, I now use his very tools of obfuscation against him and revel in doing so! It’s quite liberating and empowering to enjoy this freedom of behavior, while appearing to be adoringly sweet and kind to him. Of course, I remain the good little Empath in my engagement with others. I am surprised at my ability to operate in two distinctly different manners with regard to my Narc and others.

    I do find that I am growing tired of the Narc’s behavior, mostly positive now that I am aware. And of course, I became aware through HG’s material and my interactions with others here! I plan on letting the Narc go and continuing the relationship with the other man (not a Narc)…

    1. Lori says:

      Good for you Kimi ! I wish you well with your ‘other’ man. the narc deserves what he gets. Cheers to you, just be careful… and keep having fun and avoiding insanity.

      1. Kimi says:

        Thank you Lori!

        I’m learning that the only way too avoid the insanity is to avoid the Narc entirely, NC GOSO! Even awareness of the relationship dynamic between the Narc and Empath does not bring about complete control, only understanding.

      2. Kimi says:

        Oh! I realize now that I no longer want any more revenge. Living his life as a Narc is hellish revenge enough!

  21. Robyn says:

    I didn’t cheat, but I did go to a concert with an old boyfriend & didn’t tell the narc. He found out by reading my emails. I now realize he must have been monitoring me that way for years, but never found anything worthy of discard. When he learned of my escapade, he said nothing. Instead he set forth on a silent treatment like I had never experienced before. He treated me as if he despised me, and I could not understand why. After 3 months I finally asked him if he wanted a divorce, he just seemed so miserable. It was then he told me what he knew. I explained myself away, told him it had been a spur of the moment decision where I was offered a free ticket to a show I wanted to see. I never saw the guy again, and even the emails narc had read told a rather innocent story of the whole event. At that time, narc appeared satisfied with my explanation and returned to his normal (?) self. But then a year later, out of the blue, he announced he was leaving me. He packed his belongings and walked out on me and our 3 children just like that. His excuse: because I had cheated on him. He moved in with his new supply almost immediately and served me with divorce papers. Through discovery I learned he had started his affair with her around the time I went to the concert. I’m not sure what “class” of narcissist this puts him in, he was never angry or violent. Just quiet, calculating, and cold.

    1. Sophia says:

      Probably a damn mid-ranger. Passive-aggressive hypocrites.

      1. Sam says:

        Wow sorry you went through that. It’s crappy that they can cheat and lie but you make little mistakes and it’s a deal breaker. Mine did something similar. When you “betray” them they need revenge.

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