A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 37

 

A LETTER TO THENARCISSIST

Sweetheart,

Yes, this is what we called each other, since you are loath to use my name to my face. But I see you used it quite a bit, when either bragging to others about me, or smearing me while you explain that you don’t discuss that particular situation with me, since I become hysterical for no good reason whatsoever when it is brought up.

You see, I knew what you were the last time I left you. But I let you hoover me back into clutches. You used your pity plays, and appeals to my morals. You did treat me super good in comparison to how you did before. You also threw in some literal grovelling at my feet, since there was no one else around to witness this. You used your pretty, pretty words so much, I didn’t even object to your entitlement and control as you slowly tightened the leash around my neck again. See, your ID tag still hung there. That was most important to you, as when the arrows of truth were sent your way, you held me up as your shield of goodness and righteousness. After all, you must be wonderful to have had stayed married to such a kind, caring, generous, trusting, trustworthy, intelligent and loving wife. And after all, you were so willing to sign a contract just to be able to talk to me amicably about our impending divorce. But the divorce never happened since you were so good with words. And as for that contract, well, now I see your word and your words are truly empty. You had already broken that contract within 2 hours of signing it. Specifically the provision YOU insisted on; no lying. The second was no use of finances not agreed upon by both parties.

You seemed so happy to have me back, you announced to the world, (or really to those where you needed to have your “good” reputation intact) how happy we were to be back in each other’s loving arms where we belonged.

You smiled happily to my face where you once more held up the gilded mirror, replacing that ugly warped funhouse mirror you had been holding up to me for so long! Unfortunately, I let down my guard. “Really, he is so ill at this point. How much more harm could he possibly do?” It turns out there were so many “surprises” left for me. (Definition of surprise: presents left around the house by pets that you ignored when they danced around you begging to be let out. As in “The dog left you a surprise in the middle of the living room carpet.”) You seemed to be housebound, only able to go out for short whiles to take care of small errands. It was so kind of you to do your small share to lessen the load on me.         ”I know you are busy running our business, taking care of household chores, caring for me…blah,blah,blah.. I went to the pharmacy myself. It’s only 2 blocks away…” “You are so busy using up your energy on me, I will take care of the bookkeeping and the family finances.” Always said with a sad smile, a slight tone of disappointment, as if I were still not quite measuring up to your standards, but you would accept your fate with the good grace you suddenly seemed to have acquired.

When you received your terminal diagnosis, the mask really slipped again, as you railed against (y)our son and I, as if this thing happening to you was our fault. But we put up a united front, not cruelly, but firmly. We would be there for you, for whatever treatment was possible or desired. But you would not be allowed to abuse us for this to happen. And then we shored you up for your final performances. I made the medicine, you were sure would cure you, as I had for others before. Did you not have proof that it worked? I gave even more of my energy, and I actually got thanks and kudos from you! Very rare indeed! And you did your part, too, didn’t you? Your sneaky, underhanded machinations! Oh, how you called on all your supplies, oh woe! When asked how I will be faring without you, you told them all, ”Don’t worry about my Honey. She owns her home free and clear, and has been well provided for.”

But I’m not Honey; I’m Sweetheart.

And when that last text came, inviting you for one more command performance, you could no longer accept. And the jig would soon be up. So you had one more fit of frustration, threw the phone to the floor, and stomped on it, yelling “Why don’t they ever work right!!?” I had to replace it, to continue to work, to make the doctor’s appointments, for outside communication. And I sent yours to the repair.

You shockingly tried to strangle me in front of your current best friend, (you would have never let anyone see such behavior before) and he said, “It really is time for the hospice to be here round the clock, now. He would never act like this in his right mind. (Not that you would ever let anyone outside the family see, but friend wouldn’t know that) How long has it been since you slept?”

As you were literally rotting from the inside out, you called another friend to help bring you to Jesus. You cried and prayed with him, and when he had gone home, you unleashed your cruelest, sweetest lies. “I’ve never cheated on you!!” You and I both knew you had. 3 times. It turned out there were many, many more. “I have left you well off, there is $110,000 in ready assets. I have invested as you taught me, and I know with your smarts, you will be able to increase that substantially!” Last we had discussed our bigger financial picture, it was $500,000 and with the way it was going, we’d be able to retire comfortably, right on schedule. Not only was there no assets, you had even found someone to pretend to be me, so you could steal my separate assets, an actual felony! “You are the only woman I have ever loved, always, from the beginning, and now, and forever!” No, you only ever loved what you saw when you looked into the mirror of my face, and only when it matched your best estimate of yourself.

But I could not feel any grief at the loss of you. I had pity for you, and I kept my promise that you would not have to relive the nightmare of being abandoned alone in a hospital. I also felt guilt that I did not miss you, was not sorry you were gone. And I rejoiced that life, without you, was wonderful again.

But you found ways to try to ensure that I would pay. I owed you for not being perfect, whatever your definition of that, at the times of your judgments. I owed you for the privilege of carrying your name. I owed you for non sufficient worship of you. I owed you for letting me be main source of your supply. How sad! I just wanted you to be happy no matter who you were with. If I’m being truthful, though, I just wished one of them would keep your interest long enough for you to discard me.

But really, all these surprises were not that surprising. You did keep me searching for the assets for several months. And I was hurt and shocked when the call came from your “Daughter” wanting to know when her Dad died. That was the punishment for us both, since she was now a young adult who no longer worshiped her Daddy in the way and amount you demanded, and my punishment when the answer to your “hypothetical” question years before was not only would I not welcome and support any bastard you produced during our marriage, but that I would also leave. I have no idea what you and her mother would have told her about me. She seemed to think I would be happy to hear from her and learn about her existence. I told her if she wanted to keep that pretty picture of her dad, she should never contact me again.

How unfortunate that I gave your NAPSS (Honey) the means to blackmail you, she threatened you with the loss of your good Mommy and your easy income. But you didn’t lie to your relatives and friends much on this account. Yes, I had bought Honey and her family a home with no mortgage, new cars, and University educations. I didn’t have these things, but I see now that I could easily afford them if I still wanted them. The financial hellhole you left me in will eventually be remedied. Your now repaired phone and your burner phones have given me a lot of information. You have stolen my identity, my time, my love, my money, but the worst that you have done is that you have stolen my trust. You plucked the feathers from my Angel Wings till you thought I could no longer fly and that I’d be forced to immolate myself upon your funeral pyre.

You did not understand that I had not been an Angel for a very long time.

And I now have one of your very own kind on my side; an Elite, no less. He has given me the knowledge that I will need to go on with my life, and if I listen very carefully to him I will avoid your kind for the rest of my life. I will own myself, no one else; and I will let no one own me. Those tattered Angel Wings you last saw on me, have been replace by the wings of the Phoenix. I have been burned, but now I rise from the ashes, a new creature, better than before.

PS.   I am having so much fun without you…I went to a comedy club the other night, just by myself. When they were looking for a place for another woman arriving by herself, I offered to share my table. She said her boyfriend had to work late, she had come by herself. She asked if I was waiting for someone. I told her “No, I just came out to enjoy myself, my husband has just died recently, and I am getting back to the business of living.” “Oh, I’m so sorry!” she replied.

I told her “Don’t be. I’m not.”

Persephone

 

25 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 37

  1. SuperEmpath,

    I appreciate your reply. I am relieved that I am not alone in not wishing to enable the narc to ensnare any future victims. I really wish I never even thought that any blame for his actions was attributable to me. Unfortunately only death can stop them.
    I’m glad to hear that you are GOSO to the max! I hope you can inflict major damage without giving fuel!
    I do have peace and quiet now, thankfully. I just need to borrow some narc traits for myself for awhile. I have been thoroughly shredded, so I can pretty much create myself as I see fit, as long as I find what I become to be acceptable to me.

    Perse

    1. Super Empath says:

      persephoneascending1

      First, I’m sorry to hear your story, just awful. In the end these people die and all they can think about is themselves.

      Second, please never wish for Narc traits, it will make you sick. Since I have gone into SNM, I have had constant migraines, upset stomach and every fiber in my body is firing off constant electrical impulses. Narc traits are toxic.

      My own father, on his death bed, had me lean in and he said, “you know you were always my favourite!” I leaned back, sat there and starred at him for what seemed like hours. My mind was racing a million miles an hour of all the things he had done to me. I wanted to say something, but I am who I am, and I didn’t. I could only feel sorry for him as I knew just where he was going. I chose the high road and said thanks. I wasn’t going to give him anymore fuel.

      He died exactly two weeks later.

      PS: no worries my own Narc is going to get his just rewards – real soon.

    2. Super Empath says:

      persephoneascending1

      Two Things:

      First, I’m sorry to hear both your and his daughter’s story, just awful, horrible and cruel. In the end these people die and all they can think about is themselves.

      Have you tried to help his daughter understand who and what her father was? Perhaps that will provide her with a small slice of peace and understanding of the things that happened to her were not her fault, she did no wrong. Help her break the cycle. Maybe then she can finally release her emotions and find peace.

      Second, please never ever wish for Narc traits, it will make you sick. Since I have gone into SNM, I have had constant migraines, upset stomach and every fiber in my body is firing off constant electrical impulses. Narc traits are toxic.

      My own father, on his death bed, had me lean in and he said, “you know you were always my favorite!” I leaned back, sat there and starred at him for what seemed like hours. My mind was racing a million miles an hour of all the things he had done to me and allowed to be done to me by my mother, brother and sister. He never protected me, never told me he loved me, never hugged me and/or showed any emotion other than unbridled anger and violence. The only time I would get a compliment was in front of my mother and he did so only to hurt her. Which in turn, she would be sure to hurt me two-fold. Anyway, I wanted to say something to him, but I am who I am, and I didn’t. I could only feel sorry for him as I knew just where he was going. I chose the high road and said thanks. I wasn’t going to give him anymore fuel.

      He died exactly two weeks later (that was almost two years ago).

      PS: No worries my own Narc is going to get his just rewards – real soon. And, as I’ve mentioned in other posts, I will never directly speak with my Narc again, communication will occur via attorneys only. He’s a non-entity to me now and I will never personally acknowledge him again. I refuse to even look his way.

      1. Hi SE,
        I would like to see his daughter get help, but what can I say to her? I have my own very emotional reasons why learning about her was such a slap in the face and a knife to the heart and body blows. I literally felt it all over again as real as if it were happening in that minute. It was why I reacted to her so badly, and I can not even write out an apology, much less speak to her, without my body trying to reject any such action.
        I am no help to her at this point. And the way she spoke to me, she things her dad is wonderful. What would she think of anything I have to tell her?
        And you needn’t worry to much about me taking on too many narc traits. LOL. I should have been more specific! Thinking of myself first is what I had in mind. “And that ye harm no other, do what thou will”

  2. narc affair says:

    This had me in tears reading it 🙁 so much pain and deciet. Persephone i dont know how you came thru this the way you did but im in awe. You are a beautiful soul to have stayed the way you did. Im assuming your ex had cancer? Ive had several family members die of terminal cancer and seen it firsthand and it changes you. To have not only endured the abuse but be decieved so terribly i cant even put into words how awful that mustve been. Youre a true survivor. Ive read a lot of terrible narc abuse stories but this one really hit hard. The extent of the lies is unbelievable. To have not told you about his daughter and the money being used elsewhere …again speechless. Im so sorry you lived this. You deserve to be cherished and loved. Wishing your future a very happy one and that you can learn to trust again ❤

    1. narc affair,

      Yes, he died of cancer, at home with hospice care. It may sound callous to many people, but I had such conflicting emotions at HIS diagnosis of terminal cancer. Inside part of me did a fist pump yelling “Yes!”, and at the same time, I’m thinking “what a horrible way to die! I don’t wish that on anyone”.

      The last few days he didn’t want anyone else but me around, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t send the hospice nurses away. I guess people do want to send them away for whatever reason, but the patient signs a contract that once 24 hour care starts, you cannot discharge the service till death. A lot of what he said at that point made it clear to me, that in his delirium, he thought I should die with him.

      Even with all this, I consider his daughter to have gotten the worst of this bargain. To have a cheating, lying, thieving, misogynist, narcissistic abuser for a father? Need I say more?

      I will.

      The one text on his “normal” phone that he saved from her, is her begging to know why? Why would he abandon her? Why won’t he answer her calls and text? Just WHY? After all, doesn’t she deserve to know why? No answer from him.

      I knew that wanting to know why, and never getting an answer. That young woman will never know why. About her dad, and probably about the men to come in her life.

      As for trust, that will take awhile, although it is starting to look to be doable. I just have to remember this short little phrase: Trust, but verify.

      And thank you for your kind thoughts! I am so enjoying life! I actually think I’m luckier in that I NEVER have to worry about this one EVER being able to show his face around here again.

      Perse

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi perse…i think your feelings and reaction to his passing are very normal. You stood by your abuser til the end which most would not do. I wouldnt blame you if you felt many emotions from resentment to pity to relief. Its a very stressful and upsetting situation to go thru. I helped look after my grandmother while she was terminal with leukemia and my grandpa who at the same time had prostate and lung cancer. They died 6 months apart. It changed me so much. These were family members i loved but your situation was someone who hurt you deeply and decieved you and there you were standing by his side. You have an incredibly giving heart! I do know in the final days delusions set in so i wouldnt take anything he said to heart. I know being a narcissist its possible he felt that way but he was probably not thinking properly. He was very lucky to have you!
        I feel badly for his daughter too. The way he abandoned her is horrible. Hopefully one day she can gain the knowledge about his personality disorder and be free of the pain of not having him in her life.
        A personal question but after he died did you go to therapy or talk to anyone about what youd been thru? Youve been thru a lot and most people would struggle afterwards. All the best for the years to come 🙂

        1. narc affair,
          no problem about the personal question. I didn’t go to therapy, the only thing being offered was grief group therapy, where I believe most people would be frowning on “Speaking ill of the dead”. I also REALLY felt a lot better physically and mentally when he first died. It was so nice just to f***in relax!

  3. Perfect picture, HG. Sweetheart or Honey, we’re just sweet fuel.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’ve got it.

  4. Super Empath says:

    I’ve made my decision as to whether or not to leave my four (4) page letter, I’ve already written, once the divorce is finalized and I move out, to my own nasty Narc.

    I’m not!

    1. Super Empath,

      I hope you sent your letter to HG. There is something cathartic about sending it to SOMEONE! And obviously you aren’t going to fuel your narc with it. I find it helpful to hear others stories; different but very relatable, especially when many of us thought our relationships were unique.
      Also, I’m curious about other peoples experiences.There’s my motive in encouraging you to send it here.

      1. Super Empath says:

        Persephoneascending:

        No, I hadn’t even thought of sending HG my letter, I assumed he was far too busy maintaining this board and well occupied with his other day-to-day activities.

        I came to my own conclusion because I sincerely believe it is NOT my duty to enlighten him. I feel if I do, it will help him better hone his skills of destruction. I know he will move on to his next victim (if he hasn’t already) and if for even one second I thought I was a party to assisting him in ensnaring her quicker, because I made him smarter, it would hurt me to know I could even remotely be part of his scheming games.

        He’s a MRN. I do not believe he has not ever been properly diagnosed and I do believe he’s clueless as to what he is. He does see a counselor regularly, but hey the guy wants his $150-an-hour (we both saw him before we were married and honestly, he’s not equipped to deal with the intricacies of narcissism and well to be honest, yet again, he’s just not that bright). Should the counselor let my Narc know that’s what he is –guaranteed—he would never see my Narc again and yea of course the guy wants the money. What’s that saying, “dollar bills y’all?”

        I’m actually cool right now, as I’ve gone into SNM. I’m not going to pretend I’m not having my ups-downs about this whole thing, but overall, I’m ok and I will be ok again. After my 1st divorce, I remained single and supporting myself (with child) for 21-years. I don’t need anyone’s validation to know I am a good capable person. I welcome the divorce with open arms, I can’t wait until it’s over and I can’t wait to get the h@ll away from him (as in: I’m moving to another state immediately upon the ink drying on the paper). I’m currently drawing-up business plans for a new venture, which I will start once I’m free.

        When the last event occurred, he was drunk (which never happens), and one tiny text to his snotty son sent him into a full-on rage. The triggering event was of such insignificance it was astounding –I guess you could say I was gob smacked x10.

        In his drunken range, my narc’s ‘mask’ fell off. He was no longer that fake entity pretending to be grounded, centered, calm and collective. He was sloppy, mean, nasty and down-right evil. It was in that moment I saw ‘it’ in his eyes, I could feel it radiating off his body, and in an instance, I was no longer in love with this man. I no longer cared to engage in his stupid sick twisted games. I no longer wanted to be near him, see him, smell him, interact with him, etc. I saw him for the monster he is.

        I was completely done! So, for me personally I don’t need closure. I’ll let the divorce (and all the nice surprises I have in store) speak for me via my lawyers. I will never personally engage with this man again.

        What I want, and need is peace, quiet and I need my light back to burn brighter than ever before.

        That’s all I require.

  5. Kimi says:

    Persephone,

    Beautifully written, a tragic story with a relatable common theme! Now you’re free! Fly high with those Phoenix Wings!!!

  6. Salome says:

    Great letter, Perséphone!

    “Were you to behold the calyx
    Of the narcissus
    You would perchence one more set eyes
    On the meadows, now deserted, and your mother too.

    Just as when on earth
    The mystery
    Of the Underworld revealed itself to you.”

    From “Perséphone” (Gide/Stravinsky)
    Rehearsing that I made the first eye-contact with my Elite Narc.

    1. What beautiful verse! I’ve not heard this piece before, i will have to look that up.
      I hope this link to your narc has not ruined this piece for you.

      1. Salome says:

        No, in the contrary!
        I can feel the piece much deeper…
        And tanks to the pièce I can see much clearer myself and my Narc.

        P.S. Very touching text about your own escape, Persephone…
        I mean- your lonely travel (you&dog)

        1. Thanks for reading!
          And traveling alone now, just doesn’t seem lonely any more. I just went “glamping” and I was surprised at how many people thought I should have asked someone to go with me,(specifically, they meant I should have asked them. Maybe they just wanted an outing more than to keep me from being lonely) ; )

  7. Just Me says:

    Are you still taking letters?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes.

  8. Daniela says:

    Hg, thank you for posting all these letters. You are always finding new and creative ways to teach us about narcissism. How many letters are you planning to post before you tell us your thoughts on them? I have been trying to guess what type of narcissist each letter is about and I am dying to know if I am correct.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome. I have not decided yet.

  9. Overthinker says:

    Love it

  10. Windstorm2 says:

    Love your ending!

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