Little Acons – No. 19


You must not tell.

They said this time and time again. And I did not.

Yet the expectation that such obedience would result in some kind of favour, some kind of leniency did not manifest.

Thus the expectation became hope instead but it became apparent that hope was yet another liar who appears bearing promise and salvation only to snatch them away and sneer. There is no such thing as hope, she wears a mask to hide that which she really is ; torment.

I recognise the imposter that hope is (you would do well to do the same) and thus I placed no faith in her.

I did not tell. It did not stop.

I did not tell. I found another way – or perhaps it found me – I have yet to fathom that out.

I did not tell. It did not stop, but it no longer affected me.

And so, I did not tell.

I did not tell for a considerable time.

But I will.

And it will not hurt me when those sticking plasters are ripped away from mouth, eye, ear and nose, because you cannot hurt me any longer.

I am the hurt.

And I am coming and you can tell all you like because nobody is going to listen to you.


103 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 19”

  1. H.G. Who are you referring to when you say “And I am coming and you can tell all you like because nobody is going to listen to you.”? The narc parent, or the one you are projecting it onto?

    1. persephoneascending1
      I think HG means that he sees merit in what you wrote. I like what you wrote and have been thinking about it quite a bit.

  2. HG, These questions were directed to you, but I did not say so before.
    Am I close about it?

    November 8, 2017 at 10:45 pm
    so does
    The Narcissist experiences an early childhood supernova? But a complete implosion? To a dark hole?

  3. HG, isn’t there hope in your quest for The One, the eternal fountain of fuel, salvation, sanctuary, or Amanda?

    For me personally, hope is kind of thought fuel. It makes me feel stronger when I apply it, and it can even give me energy to take action.

    As Narc Affair pointed out, it depends on the situation. I believe hope has a purpose, just like logical thinking; they both preserve us. The problem arises when we use it when it is useless to do it (as in an abusive relationship), where it becomes a maladaptive response (similar to having a fight or flight reaction where there is no real life threat).

    So I do get what you are saying here, HG, and I agree with you. But why not bale out the water and shout HOPING somebody will hear you and come to assist you?

  4. My heart was pounding so hard as i continued to read this article. I had to take short breaks. I could not handle it all at once.

    Hg, i have a feeling u may not be referring to matrinarc’s abuse here. If u r referring to who i think u r referring to, then it is the 1st time u’ve referred to this on the blog. Is it an excerpt frm ‘little boy lost’?

    I want karma to reach her/them, who did this to u. But it seems like u have a plan, and i wish u the best of success.

    I feel so so sad.

    Imo, ur right abt hope. It is better to leave hope behind. It is difficult, as it helps us, but it is more realistic to do without it.

  5. You know HG, I have to point out that your blog itself has given many of us hope. The hope to recover , the hope to use the knowledge we have gained through your writings, the hope to be able to move forward see a different perspective and heal.That hope that many of us have received through your blog, has been so very beneficial.

  6. If you were sat in a small boat on a lake and the boat was sinking, would you hope everything turns out okay and somebody comes along and rescues you or would you prefer to be doing something such as baling out the water and shouting so somebody does hear you and comes to assist?

    ^ my god our kind refuses to hop off the titanic. EVEN WHEN YOU SPELL IT OUT OVER AND OVER. we really are a tenacious bunch. gah..

    1. TZ aka Badass in training.

      Thanks for the laugh. Thought it was just me. HG may be a narcissist but he has the patience of a Saint.

      On occasion I wonder if Ive wandered onto a blog for the Helen Keller Institute.

      1. NA— exactly! weird comparison is jesus teaching the disciples over and over yet they refused to learn. YES i get the implications but can’t help seeing the parallel.

  7. Hope is a strange thing. Someone feels empowered by it, someone feels weakened by it.

    My own life experience taught me to never rely on it, because “you are allowing yourself to rely on something which you have no control over when you have the ability to do something about it”. I agree with you, Tudor. The clear predictability reassures more, than the vague thoughts.

      1. I have a question for you, Tudor.

        Let’s contemplate a hypothetical situation. Disease. Need of surgery. The end result is unpredictable. You can do and control nothing. You are in the hands of another person completely. The evening and night before a surgery day…

        How would you handle this situation internally? What would going on in your head? What would you “use” as a substitution of hope?

        Thank you in advance.

          1. HG

            Outcome predictible unless you banged the surgeons wife, in which case youll live, but maybe with just one ball or a droopy eye lol. Agreed though-I wpuld want your kind in any arena that required detached logical thinking and excellence.

      2. That’s absolutely right way to do. Albeit, when we talk about surgery, nothing could be predictable. Nothing. Even the simplest manipulations could lead to a lethal end.

        Having the trusted surgeon (that gives some reassurance) and knowing about different outcomes of surgery, what would you feel, Tudor?

      3. On the evening before a surgery day? Lol. No, you wouldn’t. Maybe some sedatives, but the mind remains clear anyway.

        Okkay, I see you don’t want to answer, Mr. Evasiveness. Lol. Negative result is a result anyway and, pretty often, it gives more information, than positive result. So, thank you. Lol.

      4. Very good attempt, Noname – i’m w you.

        HG – better be careful choosing one of your kind as a surgeon (though you’d prob be hard-pressed to do otherwise)
        – their sense of playing god & that they can never be wrong or make mistakes – has negative outcomes all the time.

        This is your over-developed control-freak side coming out.

        You cannot control everything. There ARE some things outside of your control.

        Once you have done everything within your power in a situation, I’m w narc affair on possessing hope.

        Everything is not up to you. (I know you’ll deny this)

      5. Oh, thank you very much for reply, Tudor.

        So, you would convince yourself that the result would be favorable and no chance to otherwise, right?

        1. Not convince, I know it will be favourable.

          (And let’s face it – if in the highly unlikely event it is not and I die, well I won’t know will?)

      6. Ah, I see. Thank you, Tudor.

        (Unfortunately, yes, you would know. In almost all cases, the “life/death” game continues after surgery and lasts for days, weeks, even months and patients are aware of it…).

        Combining those two possibilities (good and bad outcomeat the same time), what would you think?

  8. HG you say you recognise the imposter that hope is & we would do well to do the same yet it is one of the things I have found here from you & this blog (as well as from my faith) & dare I assume, so have others.

    1. Never trust to hope, she is an imposter, what you have found here is knowledge, that is what you must keep as watchword to your heart and mind. Relying on hope will see you doomed, relying on cool, hard logic acquired through knowledge will win the day.

      1. HI Hg …I can see why you think this way with hope but i could never give up hope entirely in my life. Giving up hope to me is death in a lot of ways. Hope keeps me positive. I do know what youre saying about hope being misleading but ive had hope lift me up. I guess for me it depends on the situation.

        1. A. I hope someone comes and rescues me ; or
          B. I have acquired skills and knowledge to get out of this situation.

          A. I hope everything will be okay;
          B. I have acquired knowledge to apply to ensure I am okay.

          Hope is your emotional thinking, it misleads you, thinking about hope as you do is your ET conning you. You are allowing yourself to rely on something which you have no control over when you have the ability to do something about it. If you were sat in a small boat on a lake and the boat was sinking, would you hope everything turns out okay and somebody comes along and rescues you or would you prefer to be doing something such as baling out the water and shouting so somebody does hear you and comes to assist?

      2. Sometimes HG that small glimmer of hope is all some of us have, if we give that up then we know longer live! Xxx

        1. Then you are wrong to trust to hope, as I keep telling you, she is an imposter. Your ET is telling you otherwise.

          1. Don’t be angry HG. Sometimes it is hard to give up on something that you’ve clung to your whole life! As narc angel wrote “ baby steps “ This type of thinking has been programmed into some of us just like the narcissist in are lives programmed us. To give up on hope to me is like giving up on my deepest, dearest, desires! I am using more logical thinking now. I force myself to think is this an emotional or logical way of thinking. But there are still some things that are harder to do that with. Xxx

        2. FM1T

          Replace hope with Goal. Hope is just waiting for something to happen. A goal is not leaving anything to chance and making it happen yourself. Baby steps.

          1. Narc Angel, Thank you! I have been doing baby steps for awhile now. What happens if you set that goal and can’t obtain it? Or perhaps just miss it by a smigen. Do you give up or hope to reach it the next time? 🤷‍♀️

          2. FM1T

            A goal remains a goal until it has been completed or replaced by another goal. Hope is inaction dressed in spun silk and romanticized as empaths do with narc relationships. Hoping has never changed one of them and yet there you wait……for magic to happen. Things change when you have goals and plans that you enact to ensure success. Hoping for him to change does not work. Planning to leave with the goal of caring for yourself instead of pouring it into him is acheivable. Hope is waiting on someone else to determine your destiny when you were born to fulfill your own. Hope is the fraud that keeps you stuck. Theres real and theres unreal-nothing more. People put hope in between because it is easier than action.

            Thats my view.

          3. Thank you Narc angel and HG. I will stay with the baby steps and continue to move forward with logic and goals. I will start by giving up and moving forward and away from people that can not or will not change no matter how precious they are to me. I guess I’m done!

      3. I agree with the knowledge & logic but it is also the hope of continued healing, understanding, learning & peace. Of gaining the skills & knowledge to never be ensnared again. To be able to ‘manage’ the narcissists that are in everyday life. The hope of one day being ready for a normal relationship for the first time ever. I was so isolated & lonely before because of narcissists. Now I have hope.

        1. No. You have knowledge and understanding. Yes, the might engender hope and I understand why it does in people such as yourself, but rely on the tangible knowledge and understanding, not the vague and treacherous imposter that is hope.

          1. Ha ha ha…Thanks for the laugh, HG! I am N/C with hope and have blocked her from everything. I got my ass kicked because of her; never again!

      4. would a narcissist see the difference between :
        hope, faith and belief? Where is the line between them?
        Hope as denoting some sort of passiveness? Leaving the outcome on the hands of external factors? What is then faith and belief to the narcissist?

      5. Ty for your reply HG. I totally agree with what youre saying but i think thats where imo a healthy balance is the key. Narcissists operate on logic only and empaths on emotional only and to meet somewhere in between i think is the beneficial. For example your boat scenerio id want to be operating as you say logically investing what little time there is on coming up with a solution but if all else failed id want my hope there to keep me going in survival mode otherwise id jump overboard and die.
        Ive seen many instances say in kidnapping scenerios (elizabeth smart) where logic was applied to survive but hope is what kept them alive and not giving up. For me hope is all i have in some instances and hope keeps me uplifted. Hope and faith.
        I do see what youre saying tho and i do agree logic is very important. To just rely solely on hope is sticking your head in the sand. Logic is taking control but there are instances where hope is something that keeps you going when logic has been exhausted and there seems no solution.

        1. Not so. What do you think ignited fury is – that is emotional thinking. What is more accurate is to state that we operate through logic far more often.

          There is always a solution.

      6. Ty for your reply HG. Its been interesting seeing your views on this and how very different mine are. Also others views on hope.
        On the one hand i envy you in the regard to only rely on logic but on the other hand i cant imagine ever being that way bc hope is my ray of sun. When life has handed out situations that have very little options hope is what kept me positive. I wont say i blindly relied on a miracle to happen but it gave me something to hold onto when things seemed dire. Your way of applying logic opposed to emotion thinking reminds me of a skill i learned and have been trying to improve upon and that is stepping outside the situation and being a logical observer. Its helped qualm the emotional useless and counter productive side.
        I would never say i go thru life wishing and hoping. If theres something i can do ill work on doing that or as stated set goals and look for solutions but hope is something i have in the meantime to keep my spirits lifted.
        I think of people in terrible situations like prisoners of war or kidnap victims like the 3 girls that escaped that house 10 yrs later and i think to what kept them alive and that was hope. Logic did play a part in that they figured out their kidnappers personality and how to avoid getting killed but the years they were captive in that house they needed hope to keep them going. Hope that one day theyd be free and see their family. Did hope free them? Not directly but indirectly it did. It kept them from giving up and helped them continue to use logic to stay alive. Hope helped carry them when they struggled to continue.

        1. It is an interesting discussion NA. I understand what you are stating. I see it as :-

          1. Applying logic and addressing the issue is a far more effective way of securing an outcome. This is not going to con you or result in a bad outcome.
          2. I understand how hope might motivate but it also may mislead – why gamble on that?

      7. Ty for your point of view on this HG. I will definitely think on what youve said here. Thats the great thing of differing views it opens your own views up even further. I do know since your article on logical vs emotional thinking its got me trying to use logic more and it does help 👍
        I hope you have a great day! Oops theres that word again 😄

  9. I agree with Noname and Narc Affair.

    Yes, it is an ongoing cycle of abuse, and we are all victims.

    Healing is key (nice analogy Noname).

    Exposure is also key. Abuse needs to be exposed.

  10. H.G., do you think that the retribution, the unveiling of the truth and, hopefully, the downfall of the wrongdoers, might be a step towards healing? I know it is not the motivation, but could it perhaps be a happy consequence?
    We’re all rooting for you!

  11. Powerful piece. It sounds like whoever you wrote this to has no inkling of the hellfire about to rain down upon them.

    As you always say, seize the power.

  12. This is very sad to read, and am so sorry this happened to you.

    HG, if my screen-name offends you in any way, please let me know and I’ll change it to a new one.

  13. I didn’t tell either HG! I did not turn out as you, I turned out as something much different but yet the same! I know you will understand this. I hope when you tell you will receive the satisfaction you are so desperately searching for! I hope you finally will be able to heal and find peace! For me though I will stick to not telling! Xxx

  14. I forgot to mention about hope. I can see where a narcissist doesnt rely on hope and instead creates the facade and fake self to in essence not need hope. Hope has gotten me thru some rough times in my life and hope can give strength. On the other hand there are times when hope can be dangerous like hope that the narcissist will change. In a situation like that hope is a hinderance to freedom. Lose your hope in the narcissist and gain your freedom.

  15. This is so very deep and so very sad 🙁 one thing thats transformed me so much from what ive learned thru your writing HG is that we are all victims and narcissism is a cycle of abuse. The role of narcissist is passed on in a way thru the very same abuse that the narcissist will use on their victims. When i started reading your works i was very angry towards my narc and my mother. Some of that anger is still there but its more towards the behaviour not the person per say. Im able to seperate the two. Thats not to say id side with a narcissist or condone what they do but i see it as a fork in the road and they became a narcissist from the abuse opposed to an empath or codependant. Both are codependant the narc and victim and both are coping survival mechanisms but just different.
    Both were more than likely victims of abuse as children. I try never to lose sight of this and it extinguishes any hate or anger. I feel pity but im cautious not to let my empathy or sympathy put me in a new victim role.
    Abuse needs to be exposed. Its so very important but as children we follow our parents and what they tell us to do or dont do. My sexual abuser never was exposed. It was swept under the rug bc their family were family friends of my family. Its wrong bc they could of done the same to other children which ill never know.
    Exposure is key.

    1. I couldn’t agree more with you narc affair! It’s absolutely transformative and the path to true healing to understand the correlation between the abuse we suffered as children and the choices we make later in life, as well as the fact that we are all victims. I’m an expert at compartmentalising my life. It’s like closed chapters that I find hard to revisit and this blog has in such a short period of time opened me up to the past. Painful as it is, knowledge does make all of the difference. Trying to hide the pain is not an option for me anymore.

      1. Hi Catherine…i totally agree with your post and i had never heard the term compartmentalize until id joined this blog. Narcissists arent the only ones that do this.
        I had done it thru my childhood and into my twenties blocking out the sexual abuse i had experienced as a child. I always felt awkward changing clothes around women or having a woman touch me in any way and it dawned on me later in life it was bc of what happened to me as a child. A babysitter violated me and i forgot about it til something triggered it later in life. I now realise that i compartmentalized that incident but it never goes away and it cropped up later in life.
        Learning about this has helped me to face what happened and heal. I think compartmentalizing can be a healthy coping mechanism but it can become unhealthy if you never face certain issues that need to be dealt with. As a child it helped me move past what happened and forget about it temporarily.

        1. I have a compartment for babysitters. There was the one who let me smoke and drink booze until I puked when I was about 8 or 9. The one who told my parents shed put me to bed while they finished getting ready to go out and hid her booze under my bed. The one who told me I had to trim the corns on her feet after she soaked them or I couldnt go outside. The old deaf couple that watched televangelists all day and couldnt hear the baby crying. But my fav were the young girl and her boyfriend that thought it a good idea to teach me to swim by swinging me by my arms and legs and letting go on 3….into the water at a quarry. Ya I didnt learn and people intervened.

          1. NA
            WTF! Narcissistic parents are idiots. Trimming corns, smoking, drinking at age 8 till you were puking and being hurled into a quarry. Brilliant! My narc parents left me home all alone, I was lucky.

          2. K
            For the record-I loved the cigarette boozing babysitter. Her name was appropriate-Lucinda now that I think of it. And you know I didnt trim any damned corns! Told her I was fine staying in and she could do them herself. (She couldnt because she couldnt bend over enough). These people were cheap and within the minimum requirement not to get arrested for leaving us alone although that came quickly thereafter.

      2. Narc affair, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Working through what happened to you with your babysitter will help, although I understand how hard it is. I guess the compartmentalising is a healthy defense mechanism, but to heal we need to remember each and every chapter of our lives, be able to read the full story. Get the whole tainted picture. So we’re both on the right path now. But it hurts a lot. I also experienced some form of sexual abuse as a child by my grandmother and just thinking about it is still terrifying. I’ve also experienced this awkwardness around women, and I don’t know if the fact that my close friends mostly are male friends has anything to do with what happened to me.

        NarcAngel, your compartment for babysitters sounds terrifying and a complete horror. I can’t understand how grown ups can treat children like that. I feel so sorry for you having that kind of childhood.

      3. Hi narcangel…so sorry you experieced those things 🙁 ive never hired a babysitter for the kids bc of this. Luckily we had my mil which im grateful. I refused to have anyone watch them except someone i completely trusted.

    2. I forgot to mention about hope. I can see where a narcissist doesnt rely on hope and instead creates the facade and fake self to in essence not need hope. Hope has gotten me thru some rough times in my life and hope can give strength. On the other hand there are times when hope can be dangerous like hope that the narcissist will change. In a situation like that hope is a hinderance to freedom. Lose your hope in the narcissist and gain your freedom.

  16. To abuse a child is the most insidious crime imaginable, for which there can be no redemption.
    HG, it is hard to read and I am so sorry that you were made to endure such disturbing treatment and be robbed of a childhood.

    You, of all people, know and understand much too well, the depravity of the person who did this to you.
    For that reason, knowing how awful it feels, how pathetic your abuser was, why would you want to adopt that abusive behaviour as your role model?
    Could it not be the opposite, in that you make sure you never stoop so low as to inflict another with the same abuse that you endured and were naturally powerless against, as a mere child?

    Would you not want to seek professional help in ways that would help you better understand the pathology of abuse, be released from its destructive shackles, liberated and empowered with the tools to care for and tenderly parent yourself?
    – In the way that you are giving us the tools…

    Despite what you say, you do have a choice…

      1. My grandson is 10 years old and has been suffering with this since birth, at the hands of his narc father. He has also adopted these traits and is extremely intuitive of what he needs to do, to achieve his fathers agenda. Do you feel he can be reached before its too late?? Or is it, already?? How can I make him see that his father is doing this TO him??

        1. I would need more information about father and son in order to answer this properly and therefore a consultation is the appropriate arena. In brief, he is certainly at risk and it may be too late, but if it not lot, there is action you can take to protect him.

  17. There are two types of inflammation – acute and chronic.

    The acute inflammation is short-lived, evident, pretty aggressive and painful. It has 3 outcomes – Repair, Death or transforming into Chronic inflammation.

    The chronic inflammation is long-lived, insidious, “soft” and less painful. It had only one outcome – Death.

    One time, our childhood traumas were acute and painful (like an acute inflammation). We didn’t know how to repair them, but we didn’t want to die also. So, we did the one possible thing to survive – we supressed and hid them – we transofmed them into chronic inflammation.

    The internal problem remains, but it seems it doesn’t bother us anymore, but…no. Our adult life (our quality of life, our behavior, our choices) suggests otherwise. Everything is affected by this invisible chronic inflammation. And in that case, we have only one outcome – Death.

    To avoid that outcome and to change the quality of our life, we have to do what the doctors did to their patients for thousands years – to transform the chronic inflammation back to acute. Yes, it is a painful hell, but it gives us the one precious outcome – Repair. Life. Possibility to change. Future.

    Talk about your childhood traumas, Tudor. Let it happen. Let the pain to heal the pain. Don’t die.

  18. Reading this makes me feel sad for you. Your last sentences make me wanna ruuuuuuunnnn, but I still feel the sympathy.
    Probably a dangerous problem on my part.
    It is painful to think there are people who have been abused, but are too harmful to give empathy to.

  19. “I am the hurt.
    And I am coming…”

    Wow! Powerful HG! I’m rooting for that little boy, but wonder if retribution will satisfy the man he has become?

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