Spoiler Alert



When I was with Siobhan (an ex girlfriend) her birthday arrived just four weeks after we had begun seeing one another. I took her away for the weekend, bought her a beautiful Tiffany bracelet, organised a huge bouquet to be delivered to the suite where we were staying in our hotel and then took her shopping for a couple of new outfits and some new shoes. She was swept off her feet. Just as I intended. All part of the golden period and naturally part of the ongoing seduction to ensure that not only was I receiving her positive fuel caused by her delight, admiration and thanks for such a wonderful time, but that she was becoming embedded into my world. All those I meet need to become part of my world, attached to me, fuel lines running from them to me. This is especially so with the person who is to become my Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”). I need to own that person, I need to draw them into my world, ensure they are completely subsumed within it and thus they will be under my control. I truly want them to succeed because they show such promise, they demonstrate that they have the ability to fulfil the Prime Aims and deliver what is required which in turn will give me the fuel that powers my construct and this illusory world into which this person has been drawn.

When it was her birthday a year later I didn’t give her a present and begrudgingly went for dinner with her that evening. I ensured she paid. I talked down to the waiter and insisted we leave without pudding and subjected her to silence on the drive home. I wanted to spoil her birthday because it was about her and not me. I hate attention being focussed elsewhere. I can tolerate it during the golden period because it serves my purposes to allow that person to have a wonderful and special birthday because of their positive fuel and the need to embed them, yet when devaluation occurs, there is no need to tolerate this state of affairs and the reality can be unveiled to the bewildered horror of the recipient.

There is no need to maintain the artifice. The person is embedded and if we have chosen the correct victim (and we usually do) they will not be going anywhere fast because they will cling to us in the hope of returning to the golden period. The victim, who most of the time will be the IPPS (as this is the person who suffers the longest and the worst type of devaluation) has been chosen for their desire to mend things, to understand and try to establish what has changed, what has gone wrong and their need to try to make everything good again. This creates an almost indefatigable approach by the victim to remaining with us. Nevertheless, when this devaluation is in place, everything has to be spoiled. What once was a wonderful occasion is either not acknowledged or is actively ruined. Whereas we once praised and complimented something you had achieved, this too is either ignored, put down or belittled in some way.

My nephew told me he had come first in his school’s 100m race. I told him I ran a faster time than him when I was at school. A colleague showed me his new watch. I told him I had one which was similar but mine was better. You’ve got tickets for a performance tonight? I went last week and it was rubbish. You recommend a new Mexican restaurant that has just opened? I tell you that it is attracting the attention of environmental health. Bought a new car? I don’t like the colour and criticise its miles per gallon ratio. The thing is that these comments often just spill from our mouths (especially with the Lesser and the Mid-Range) before we even have a chance to think. It is an instinctive response which is designed to make you give us negative fuel, to assert our control over you and to emphasise our superiority.Whenever the spotlight is shining elsewhere I need to smash it and train a new one on me. Sometimes the needs of the façade will mean that control has to be exerted so that the training of the spotlight occurs in a way where was outshine you as opposed to necessarily denigrating you, but the effect is the same. You cannot have the spotlight on you, it has to be on us.

If you have an important function you want to attend, I will pick a fight with you before you go and then text you incessantly whilst you are at it so you do not enjoy it. I have to ruin it for you. I cannot control this urge. Sam (an ex girlfriend) loved to garden. She would spend hours at the weekend tending her beds. I would call round during the week when she was not there and take a strimmer to her plants. As the stalks and stems were obliterated I could feel myself feeling better as I envisaged her dismay at returning home and seeing her garden having been hacked at. That Thought Fuel was welcomed and of course I would ensure that I just happened to call around later that evening to find her either sobbing at the destruction or raging at the carnage that had been caused. Witnessing her reaction to my spoiling behaviour of course provided me with significant fuel which was potent and edifying.

I have to cut people down. The urge to destroy, denigrate,criticise and belittle is overwhelming.

I have to spoil. There is no hope for an alternative because the need to keep people in their place, maintain my own superiority and also to create the contrast for the provision of potent negative fuel is overwhelming.

98 thoughts on “Spoiler Alert

  1. Christen says:

    Are you really a Narc?
    Or do you write in the third person?

  2. littlebit says:

    Yep, that perfectly describes my husband. Almost 7 years I put up with him putting me down. I had a budding career as a writer, had won competitions and suchlike, which he pretended to admire at the beginning. He would “encourage” me to write, then brag to everyone about my successes as if they were his. By the time we lived together he was “helping” by bringing me cups of tea 10 minutes after I’ve requested nobody disturb me for an hour so I can write. Then he started having a tantrum about something unconnected, like my son’s skills at washing up, during my writing time.

    Eventually I gave up on serious aspirations as a writer and contended myself at scribbling when he was asleep. I had written a novel before we met – he never read it as he didn’t like crime. He destroyed my confidence. But somehow, from rock bottom, I found something in me to fight back. I dumped him. I started again with my writing. And I am just about to perform my first stand up comedy gig. Not bad for someone with so little confidence I didn’t leave the house alone for 4 years, needing him to take me anywhere. He “helped” my anxiety too – pretending to help while actually making it worse was his speciality.

    He has no power over me any more as I see him for what he is. He’s not Oz the great and powerful, just a guy hiding his machinations behind a curtain of “supportive” gestures. (Btw I’m actually quite pleased with that description!)

  3. KitKat says:

    I think I might be a narc, or have strong tendencies. HG, have you ever encountered a relationship with another narc or someone who challenged you/played the same games (albeit at a different, possibility subconscious level)? All of my exes pre and post marriage have been high on the spectrum, but I see many patterns in myself with other partners. What has your experience been there?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do not choose narcissists as IPPSs. No, they haven’t.

      1. NP says:

        Why dont you choose Narcs as your IPPSs?

        Just out of curiosity…based on the analogy of 2 Narcs in a relationship.

        A Greater and a Lesser, a lesser and a Mid range, etc etc.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          They do not address my fuel needs adequately NP.

          1. NP says:

            Got it… Makes sense then why some of us are chosen over and over again. Lol.

  4. Nuit Étoilée says:

    You’ve said Lessers & Midrangers are delusional.. are you?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Of course not.

      1. Nuit Étoilée says:

        Then why can’t you simply be comfortable in the reality that says you are superior – why this feeling of constant confrontation? – particularly when it isn’t there…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Because I become bored easily.

      2. Nuit Étoilée says:

        That explains why you do not rest, why you do not feel comfortable – but if your reality is that you know you are superior, why need to punish anyone you feel doesn’t recognize it?

        *bc that part is not real – I can tell you “HG, you are the most incredible man”

        – if someone comes & gives me an award for the universe’s best female – this objectively has nothing to do w you – why would that ignite a fury in you as questioning your superiority? (And if my example is not a good one I hope you can understand what i am trying to convey)

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It may not do so if the recipient is in the golden period and is my IPPS for example. If they were in devaluation it would ignite fury because people are giving her fuel when it should be provided to me. Now, it may be a situation where the fury is kept under control. There is the concern that control is being threatened because of our innate need to control everything because once upon a time there was no control over anything.

      3. Nuit Étoilée says:

        ..I know it is all about fuel.. but what I am trying to get at is why can’t you be content in your knowledge that you are the best?

        Why can’t you let the waiter serve someone else first and not care? That does not change that you are still the best. Whether someone who doesnt know you should recognize your greatness or not does not affect your actual greatness…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I can deal with the waiter issue although some of our kind could not.

          I cannot be content in that knowledge because I am reliant on the responses of others to exist.

      4. Nuit Étoilée says:

        ..then is the damnable reliance on the feeling of power & the appliances to which it makes you beholden – you, who should be beholden to none – not a motivation to reduce your addiction to fuel?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          As a proposition you may think so, but I am so effective at it, it is not an issue for me.

      5. Nuit Étoilée says:

        ..comme tu veux alors…

        ..je t’embrasse..

      6. Nuit Étoilée says:

        Goodness, HG! That was quite an interaction and I wanted to express my appreciation for your elucidating exchange.. please tell me that was pleasant and hopefully stimulating for you..

        I love philosophical discussions – thank you..

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It was intellectually stimulating.

  5. SuperXena says:

    Hello Sunnivan,
    Is there a male version of ” The Artificial Intelligence robot «Sophia» .? A Sophio? That sounds even interesting for an empath: a non narcissist male version : ..no gaslighting,no fury,no silent treatments,no punishments,100% devotion,no circular conversations,no triangulation, no manipulation, no lies, no future faking , complete faithfulness ,no abuse…etc.etc.etc

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes. Try the Dalai Lama.

      1. SuperXena says:

        Thank you for your advice HG. I am sure there is something better than that for me..

      2. Blank says:


    2. Sunniva says:

      Hei SX😊
      Vi lager en sammen du og jeg👌🏻
      I truly believe that our version would be perfect. I used Axel Lund Svindal (the best down hill skiier in the world), and perfected him. But if we cooperate, it will be a one in a billion version of «MAN».

      1. SuperXena says:

        Hej Sunnivan,
        Ja, vi går i samma lag. Gärna för mig!
        Sounds perfect! Can we do a mixture model with Streat Hoerner? One of the best Crossfit athletes? It would be an astonishing successful version!

      2. Sunniva says:

        Streat is in the mix💪🏻 And together we will find all the assets needed to create the perfected version of our empathic MAN👌🏻
        I am already in love☺️

      3. SuperXena says:

        Hej Sunnivan,
        Du är “rolig” du.
        We just have to find a model for intelligence to complete the task and improve the version..

      4. Sunniva says:

        Hei SX😊
        Axel is highly intelligent and kind. We just program our MAN as we go. It will be perfect.
        Just to close matters:
        «Sophia», as the first AI robot in history, was granted a citizenship in Saudi Arabia in October this year.
        The future truly is here👌🏻
        There will be no more need for mockery of the prodigy nerds.

  6. Brian says:

    If you hoover someone, do you look down on them for being forgiving (ie dumb) after you burned them?
    Does that make you angry at them for being weak and also you get angry that you are with a weak person?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I look down on everybody. As I have mentioned before, it annoys to be reliant on a weak person for fuel but that is how it is.

      1. Brian says:

        Thank You Sir!

      2. Sunniva says:

        Your next trip should go to Accenture Innovation Labs in Sophia Antipolis. The Artificial Intelligence robot «Sophia» will not let you down, and vice versa. You just plot in all the emotions and reactions you need, and she will always deliver.
        The future is here👍🏻

        1. HG Tudor says:

          But will it cry?

      3. Sunniva says:

        It depends on how clever you are in your programming. Sophia is an excellent «ugly-cry». Much like a nip tuck commercial beauty👍🏻

        1. HG Tudor says:

          But are there tears?

      4. Sunniva says:

        With AI your dream can be created, and if «she» met you, I am sure you would make «her» produce real tears.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There was a doll called Tiny Tears so I daresay the boffins could come up with tears too for it.

      5. Brian says:

        lol a robot that looks as realistic as possible, that can detect an angry tone of voice and then sobs, and says “I dont know what you want!”
        and produces tears.
        Would it sell millions?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes because they would keep being disengaged from.

      6. Sunniva says:

        The prodigies in the field have come much further than that. My favourite aspect is how AI robots can, within 60 seconds, scan a person’s emotions (and the lack of emotions). Highly used in interrogation. Way to spot the narcissist👍🏻

        1. HG Tudor says:


      7. Brian says:

        Garbage in Garbage out?
        Ohh those crying dolls would sell at least 2 to each person so they can be triangulated against each other.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed. Will they be able to programme it to cope with a manipulator? If not, then GIGO.

      8. Sunniva says:

        From the mastermind of emotion poking; I am sure the GIGO will not occure in your case.

      9. ava101 says:

        I had a Doll who could cry.

      10. Brian says:

        Oh yes you could probably fool the AI it would have been calibrated to normal people anyway

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Are nerds normal?!

      11. Brian says:

        oh no nerds are far from normal 🙂
        They have to get normal people involved to make something accessible.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Good response.

      12. Brian says:

        Thanks 🙂

    2. Nuit Étoilée says:

      HG Tell me again why we stick around w you??

      My mom had a Tiny Tears doll…

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Because I am the best and you will learn here.

      2. Nuit Étoilée says:

        Aahh I agree.. the best.. at so many things… 😉 good and evil..

        Right then! Ever the pupil..

  7. NP says:

    “I have to cut people down. The urge to destroy, denigrate,criticise and belittle is overwhelming…”

    This statement to me explains a lot. It’s got nothing to do with me, but I tend to attract this kind of people too much


    Would you cut down a stranger…someone who is not a Primary Source or Secondary Source…someone who you had no history with at any one time? Maybe you’d just said hi to them once, but allof a sudden, you act as if you’ve always known them and you have a negative opinion on everything that’s them…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes. This is often done as part of a triangulation with higher ranking appliances. Thus the tertiary source is devalued and provides negative fuel and one or more secondary sources or a primary source (and possibly secondary sources) react to that, either with positive or negative fuel.

  8. Leolita says:

    When I got a dog, my ex narc’s first reply was:

    «I do not like dogs, they are stupid. I bet I would be a better dog owner than you. You don’t have the talent. You are too kind and give in too easily».

    And from there constant critisizing every detail of how I teach and train my dog. (He had no experience from dog training, nor any interest for dogs, and still was totally convinced he was the Expert).

    «Of course» 4 months later he signed up as a carer for a baby female dog (he gets the dog for free but the dog is legally owned by the breeder until it has had puppies) from the VERY SAME breeder, and also the same breed as my dog.

    When I recently went NC, he got one more dog, a male dog. To secure some triangulation, maybe(?). He used this new addition to his pack, as a reason for contacting me, and trying to meet me. (I did not fall for it). He has also made her (the breeder) a source of fuel, IPSS. so I have gone NC with her too. Sucks that he always has to interfere and mess up my connections like that

  9. patrizia says:

    Thank you for sharing this other truth with us! I couldn’t understand why he didn’t wish me a Happy birthday!
    It strucks me know, to recall how on an important national holiday, at mid night when everyone was by the beach, he’d say: ”
    I wanna go to sleep “! I was just starting to enjoy the atmosphere and the Marina!
    On another occasion, he did the same thing, and we had to go home; I was having a good time!
    Again, he ruined a family reunion by not waiting and speeding away as if we were on our own. When I told him what I thought, he blew a furious criticism on my family!
    On the contrary, when he was happy, I had to resist till 0200am ; he didn’t even see me!
    It’s all about them, their wellbeing!
    He didn’t seem to care about not having his 11 yr old only newphew’s phone number! My ex narcs opinion was:”you started this off with my nephew, eh? Why didn’t my brother and sister in law ask him for my contact?
    My ex narc seemed, hurt without a reason,and was having his nephew pay for his family’s lack of support! Of course, it was “their fault “: I can see that he was bleeding from narcissistic injury and perhaps envious of his brother’s family! My ex narc, had lots of exes but was NEVER married and no children!
    I even started buying gifts for his nephew, since my narc couldn’t be bothered !

  10. Leslie Willis says:

    Thank h g tutor because I learn why acts the way he does.i have mood disorder first time I can say in life I’m lucky to have that then be a narcissist. Because I much rather be me. I couldn’t existence in that kind of life cold life with compassion for others. That what taught. Me And also I know no what say means you can’t see forest for trees because watch your video .And I am much happier know . What really is behind his many masks.thank because really taught different people.

  11. Leslie Willis says:

    Hi hg tutor i was why guy was for 8 yrs .seem turn into diffrent guy. I thought maybe it a demon . So i went looking for answer found your video on utube now. We get better that know what who and what he is. And only spend time with him.when do spend I get do things for me while with him THANK YOU THIS BEEN GREAT HELP. HERE A POEM I WROTE AT WORK I’m an narcissist guy. I take what I want . I’m a narcissist guy I live a brand lie.try love me I’m not there.heart turn cold long been stone. Give me what you got and don’t waste my time.my life only getting what I got. What think I was WORK when WROTE this. Narcissist like taught a lot how cold they be.

  12. Anayanci Ibarra says:

    Why are you sharing this info, if you don’t care about anybody?

    1. dickforlong says:


      Read HG’s first articles and listen to his initial interviews about the how and why of this blog. It may help you understand.

      His interview on out of the box addresses his reasons for seeing the good doctors and his inspiration for this sight.

  13. Ugotit says:

    How are u not a social.outcast

  14. Catherine says:

    It sounds so exhausting though, having to exert power all the time, existing as a human being through that kind of extensive superiority that can only be granted by your environment. And the part about the girlfriend with the garden is sadistic.

    People do notice this kind of behaviour after awhile. I had a colleague who went on and on like this, belittling everyone and everything around her, asserting superiority on any given subject from having an incredible superior knowledge of the best cereals to eat on, mind you, Wednesday mornings through to telling everyone at length about the higher quality of her bathtub she had installed recently. It gets tiresome and most of us avoided her in the end.

    1. dickforlong says:

      I’ve always thought of it as the narc exhausts himself controlling us. The empath exhausts him/herself reacting to it.

      HG – echoes of my life. I too gardened and had an entire section of the garden hacked do

      1. dickforlong says:

        Hacked down. There was no clandestine hackers… He wanted me to know he did it. I often commented on his sole ability to kill. He would let me choose the restaurant for my birthday and then tell me why it was a miserable choice. Ruined Xmas every year. Ruined every holiday every year. The ONLY valentines day I got him nothing was the only time he got me a card. I swear you guys or psychic or it’s a good thing I don’t play poker. Cold fury ensued in addition to the lecture about his trading down for me…. As if.

  15. Deepsigh says:

    H.G. ….I have a question….what if a narcissist man meets a narcissist woman….how does that pan out….? Or vice versa?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Please see the articles ‘When Narcissists Collide’.

  16. narc affair says:

    HG did your girlfriend ever find out it was you who did that to her garden?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I told her years later.

      1. ava101 says:

        When you felt the urge to have someone screaming at you?

        I still suspect that your sister’s bunny didn’t take off by itself …

      2. narc affair says:

        Hi HG…Oh wow you told her. Can i ask why you told her and what her reaction was?

      3. narc affair says:

        Silly question you probably told her for negative fuel.

      4. Tappan Zee says:

        I told her years later.

        ^ for fuel, not mercy, right?

        1. HG Tudor says:


      5. narc affair says:

        Hi ava…i didnt read about HG’s sisters bunny yet. What happened?

      6. ava101 says:

        Hi narc affair,
        Not much, the bunny escaped into freedom.

  17. Deepsigh says:

    Mannnnn!!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

  18. H. says:

    I get it, but I really don’t.

    I continue to read each blog post hoping to understand what this bizarre behavior does for someone.

    To flourish when someone is hurting; I get it, but I really don’t.

  19. narc affair says:

    Everytime i read this i cant imagine you doing that to your girlfriends garden HG and same with the hounded by love blog then i have to remind myself none of us really know you in real life aside from the blog. I am glad you share these stories tho.
    When i read this i think of the phrase “misery loves company” bc it really seems that narcissists are miserable and this is made obvious to them when they see others happy or if hobbies or other interests take away from attention on them. Individuality is frowned on heavily. To have friends, hobbies or interests is a insult to the narcissist and possibly makes them insecure. They need total devoted attention at all times. Anyones good fortune or happiness reminds them how miserable they are deep down and they have to diminish it or obliterate it.

    1. Nuit Étoilée says:

      I find your post quite insightful, Narc Affair – I often do.

      1. narc affair says:

        Awww ty nuit thats very kind and i enjoy your posts as well 🙂

  20. Windstorm2 says:

    I don’t really understand this. My narcs would denigrate and tear down anything special I did, that they had not done also. That makes sense to me since any accomplishments i have that they do not threaten their supremacy. But none of them actively tried to ruin my birthday or any such thing that they had also. They never really tried to make it special, but they never tried to ruin it.

    I mean no disrespect HG, but that sounds to me like someone really insecure, not like someone who feels he is superior. The narcs in my exhusband’s family take a more noblesse oblige attitude and make a show of taking their primary sources out to dinner, a movie or trip. They do it for show of how magnanimous they are to provide for the people under them, but they still make some sort of grand gesture on birthdays. Otherwise their fellow family narcs would look down on them as inferior. Abuse or neglect to family members is really ridiculed by all the family – narcs included. Is that the difference? Fellow narc peer pressure? I know my exhusband wants to think he is at the top in every way in the family.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      All is as the fuel wills it to be.

    2. Catherine says:

      I agree Windstorm. This kind of behaviour just comes across as tremendously insecure and people actually pick up on it quickly. It’s the kind of person most of us would avoid otherwise because we’re almost embarrassed at how deluded it all sounds.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Yet you do not, you remain invested trying to remedy the situation.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Not always, HG. Just because we can be fooled doesn’t mean we always are. We do learn and have instincts. Both of which can protect us.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Indeed WS2, I was making the point that it was suggested that such behaviours are avoided but actually they usually are not. I accept that some people do avoid them, but the majority do not.

      2. Brian says:

        HG have you read Russel Brand’s books?
        He talks about how he was standing outside someone’s house and they asked him not to trample on their plants.
        He got angry that someone would say that to him for no reason (understandable)
        but then he did exactly what he was asked not to do.

        What was the lady’s reaction to your telling her you ruined her plants?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          1. No.
          2. Noted.
          3. Fuel.

      3. Brian says:

        Thanks for your answers,I can only imagine the reaction.

        Would you be open to doing an experiment where you learned HTML,

        and then compared the feeling of control you get from that to normal ways of extracting fuel?

      4. Catherine says:

        Yes we do, you’re right HG, but then we’re already invested in the relationship as you say; if this kind of behaviour was displayed from the beginning that would be another matter. And I was thinking more about colleagues and such, where it’s sometimes obvious from the start.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That is right. The more obvious behaviours of course would only be used by me against the IPPS and of course would not be attributable to me and would be blamed on somebody else. Of course the reaction of the victim still provides fuel, despite the denials etc as we know we caused it. The facade would be maintained in all other respects. It is Lessers who are more likely to engage in this behaviour without concern for the facade and as you point out, do it in front of say colleagues or family and thus it is obvious from the start.

  21. Desiree says:

    Do you not understand how wrong that is? How would you like to be in that position?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      But I am not am I so it does not matter.

  22. Lo says:

    Wow HG. That was deep. I didn’t see that in my mid range yet. If and when I know I can not deal with such behavior. See thankful of you to teach me so much to recognize it when I see it. Thank you.

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