The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 7

I USEWORDSPURELY TO CONTROL

The words that our kind use are the instruments of our dark profession.

Words are advantageous because they are so easy to say. There is little effort involved in uttering a sudden profane insult or a sentence designed to bring about submission. A barked injunction or a passionate phrase are readily conjured up and sent in your direction. Of course, there are times when the more skilled practitioners amongst our brethren use them to create a stunning tapestry of woven wonder for you to look upon in a lengthy letter. A seemingly heartfelt declaration of love that needs to be requited, an apparent mea culpa, no a mea maxima culpa for our wrongdoings arising from our tortured behaviour or the mercy-seeking begging missive seeking absolution and forgiveness.

Whilst there are of course plenty of actions in the dynamic between you and I, it is the words which are everywhere. From those spoken, to the text messages, the e-mails, the social media announcements, the invitations, the letters written in beautiful copper plate handwriting (always a winner), the one word daubed in paint on the side of your house, the insult scratched into your car’s wing and the bloodied threat daubed on a note and wrapped around a brick hurled through your window. Those words are absolutely everywhere. Easy to use, quick to appear and with them such import and impact on those listening and of course, the empathic individual is invariably an excellent listener who drinks in what we have to say or write.

From weasel words to roaring rhetoric, we deploy phrases and sentences to bring about compliance, to secure sympathy, to tug at your emotions and evoke responses. Instinct allows us to mirror and conjure up those tantalising expressions which go straight to your core, coiling about your heart and either dragging it towards us or tearing it to shreds, dependent on where you happen to be on the narcissistic rollercoaster.

I have repeatedly explained that we prefer to conserve our energy. We do not want to have to do more than is necessary because our energy is required for the purposes of establishing the seduction of our primary source and the maintenance of our fuel lines through our growing fuel network. We do not want to be rushing around doing things, it is far more effective to tell you how we supposedly feel about you, write it in one text message to send to five different recipients to cast the net wider and see what can be caught and to rely on the images created by our words. By conserving this energy, we are able to achieve more. We can target more people, seduce with greater effectiveness and devalue with increased impact.

The Lesser Narcissist is not an especially skilled wordsmith albeit the Upper Lesser will have his or her moments. This lack of delicious prose or flowery compliments does not however hinder his use of words as a method of control. He will channel it in into the use of a pet name (which is seemingly special) and use that with regularity. His based vulgarities which are texted when he is roping in a target are often aimed at those who are operating on a similar language and literary level to him.

Take for example the 419 frauds (also known as advance fee frauds). You will know about those e-mails (usually hailing from Nigeria where the e-mails are contrary to s419 of their criminal code, hence the name) where Crown Prince Umbongo explains how as a trusted advisor or improbable relative you can help him move $ 49 million dollars from an account and he will cut you in for twenty per cent. These e-mails are usually written in pidgin English or a poor version of it which marks the writer out as someone who has English as a second language. That is actually not the case. The writer is invariably someone with an excellent command of English BUT the e-mail is written in a manner which is poor English. This is deliberate. It is done because it is specifically seeking out people who are dim-witted enough to respond and provide cash to the fraudsters.

People often wonder how people fall for these scams, but they do and that is why the fraudsters keep going. Just in the way that we as love frauds specifically target people and use words to do so, the financial frauds (which will include members of our brethren too) ensure the content of these e-mails is such that the most gullible respond in order to maximise the prospects for success. The ploy is deliberate to remove the false positives and leave only those who are the most susceptible.

In the same way, the less proficient use of words by the Lesser means that he will attract those who are more likely to fall for his particular manipulations. It is of little use for the Lesser to attract someone who seems like a useful prospect only for them to prove to be a false positive and break off the seduction. Just like the financial scammers, the Lesser needs to weed out those who are most susceptible to his less articulate overtures and more rudimentary manipulative styles.

The Lesser has fewer problems when it comes to the controlling aspect of his use of words during devaluing. He can hurl the insults with ease, relying on profanities, vulgarity and harsh words to wound and upset his ensnared victim. He can unleash a volley of nastiness from his twisted mouth. His roar of disapproval, the reliance on bellowing and shouting over the actual complexity of this sentences, is entirely effective at cowing, controlling and brow-beating the victims which he will stand the greatest chance of effectiveness delivery of the Prime Aims with.

As for the Mid-Range Narcissist, he has some charm and with the increased cognitive function comes a pleasant and desirable seduction where sweet, caring messages are used. He will spend much of his seduction stealing the phrases and verses of famous authors and poets. He knows where to find these texts and will either plagiarise them wholesale or add his own twist to the existing works. The Mid-Range will control through a sugary sweet seduction and can engage in extensive text campaigns as part of his luring of the victim.

He is also perfectly capable of hurling the insults if really required but the Mid-Ranger’s use of words to control his victims is evidenced most in two ways. Back-handed compliments ( see Seven Back-Handed Provocations ) and Pity Plays. The Mid-Ranger is an expert at the passive aggressive barbed comment and can issue those which have you at first smiling and then reacting as you realise the import of what has just been said to you. The Mid-Ranger’s true proficiency lies in his ability to control you through the use of Pity Plays which he will roll out through his long involved explanations of hardship, misery, difficulty and adversity. Whether he wants money from you, to con you into thinking he will engage in some kind of treatment for his confusing behaviours, to stop you leaving him and removing his main source of fuel or to take him back after you have escaped or he has dis-engaged, the Mid-Ranger knows all the choice speeches to tug at your heart strings. He will present persuasive phrases to convey how truly sorry he is and that his life really is worth nothing without you. Verbose apologies and explanations will clog up your inboxes as he goes overboard about how devastated he is to have treated someone so wonderful as you this way, how he realises that he has done so many wrong things and needs to make amends and of course it is always someone else’s fault/something else’s fault why he did as he did. Notice that these controlling words of the Mid-Ranger sound good and appear to show contrition and remorse but they do not. There is recognition but no ownership.

“I know I upset you when I go missing BUT I just need some time to myself because I am under pressure.”

“I can see why you might get angry when I talk to other women BUT I cannot help it if people like me, can I?”

The Mid-Ranger will use words extensively to seduce but it is in the application of words during devaluation where the Mid-Ranger exhibits particular expertise. Do not think that the mode du jour of the Mid-Ranger, the Silent Treatment, is some kind of aberration for such a prolix individual – he is of course courting somebody else with his sweet sentences whilst you are given a dose of cold fury.

As for the Greater, well, our mouths and tongues are the ultimate weapons. From composing eloquent and seductive proclamations of our love through to the motivating and endearing speeches as to why you and I belong together, the Greater is at the top of the pyramid when it comes to using words to control. Possessing an uncanny knack of knowing exactly the right thing to say and the right time, the Greater can use verbose announcements to awe a target into submission or deploy a short sentence to devastating effect.

Just like his Lesser and Mid-Range counterparts, the Greater can unleash the heated fury of a tirade should he deem it necessary. He does however always prefer to rely on his charm and the associated words with such charm for the purposes of manipulation and control. Whether it is seducing you, seducing someone else to triangulate with you, to manipulate you into feeling that you are the problem, deflecting your suspicions or stopping you leaving through a scintillating Preventative Hoover, the Greater will turn to charm first. Those delicious words, so brilliantly delivered, the evocative sentences and tempting turns of phrase are all deployed in order to ensure that you submit and obey. If charm is in limited supply and is refusing to stretch, then the Greater will use his words to threaten and intimidate. Nobody else is able to convey his imaginative plans for how you will suffer if you do not do what he wants. A few sentences describing what fate awaits you and with no raised voice or bellowed indignation has a most unsettling effect on the victim. The Greater will not opt for Pity Plays, they are beneath him. His words are a source of pride to him and through charm and intimidation he exerts control.

Everything we say is designed to control you. Our words are there to make you fall in love with us, like us, be drawn to us and to be loyal to us. Our sentences seduce. Our words wound. What we say to you must make you do what we want, provide us with fuel, give us your resources, carry out our instructions, obey our commands. Our words, be they spoken or written are not there for your benefit, they are to serve us and ensure that you are brought and remain under our control.

You are excellent listeners but when you are first ensnared by us, you do not hear what we are actually saying to you.

Now you will.

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15 Comments

  1. My jobless narc mom does this!

    This Monday, I took my mom to the bank to get my cheque book, and the banker told me that I needed to convert my bank account from minor to major, since the bank account was opened when I was still a minor. Here’s a piece of the conversation on how I killed her inside.

    Banker Lady : (to me) Ma’am, you’re 22 now, you need to convert your bank account from minor to major.

    Narc Mom : (barges into the conversation) “Should SHE write it, or should I write it?!!”

    Me : “Obviously I should write it!!!”

    *I take a paper and write the letter with patience*

    Narc Mom : Write subject as submission of documents and cheque book.

    Me : *writes down the subject as submission of documents, cheque book and conversion of bank account from minor to major*

    Narc Mom : “UGH!!!!! I don’t know WHY you write all this!!”

    Me: *almost finishes writing the letter and then ends the letter by writing the following-*

    “Copies of my documents will be submitted right now. Do convert my bank account from minor to major. Thank you for your help.”

    *followed by name and signature*

    Narc mom : “I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU WRITE ALL THIS!! THE MANAGER WILL THROW THIS LETTER ON YOUR FACE!!”

    Me : *calm as a brook; no reaction*

    Narc mom : *angrily mutters to herself*

    Few hours later, my bank account comes to my control and the cheque book is handed over to me.

    Endgame : I WIN!!!!

    P.S. – I get my salary today! 😀

  2. HG,
    is there some kind of checklist? One second I feel like he was a lesser, the next I feel like mid-range is more the route he’s on. I don’t think he’s a Greater, he seems truly confused at the thought that he’s done anything wrong, has a problem, that it’s everyone else not him… although I still have a hard time believing he didn’t know how much he was destroying me and I do lean towards the thought that he enjoyed causing me that hurt. I mean I don’t really NEED to know I suppose. No contact is no contact. But I kind of feel like being able to better predict his behaviors (besides his already displayed behaviors), the better I can continue no contact for if/when he attempts hoovers.

    We’re coming up on 6 months no contact without any legal documentation to help support no contact. If I surpass the 6 month mark, I’ll have made it up my Mount Everest and it’ll be the route back down the mountain, not because I don’t think he’ll ever come back to haunt me but because once 6 months passes successfully with no contact, I’m in new territory. I don’t want to fall back in, and I don’t think I will. I feel stronger now than I’ve felt in a long time, yet he haunts me every day and I fear that he’ll show up randomly at my door or send some gift or find a way to get a message to me through some other person with some pity story.

    Clearly being here is giving me some insight. You’re a big help, to be honest. But I have to know, any suggestions to help me past the peak?

  3. Dear Mr Tudor,

    I’m still looking up all the meanings of all the cryptic words he sent me in the text messages …. lines from this, quotes from that, song titles …. I have pages of them … he must’ve thought it made him look smart cos he didn’t have much else going.

    I used to try and quickly look them up then try and reply intelligently …

    Well, obviously that didn’t work … haha

    You’re not too bad yourself … I still have to look them up .😂

  4. Crown Prince Umbongo from Nigeria who is sending emails because he has $49million he needs to shift?!? LOL :)) You crack me up sometimes HG!

  5. I find the subject and the application of words to be fascinating. I love words, language is a fairytale to me, the creation of meaning an endless adventure to be embarked upon with an inquiring mind. Especially the written word is a maze of endless possibilities and my truest passion. I always used to state somewhat jokingly that my number one dealbreaker would be a man who can’t spell. I can’t imagine something more off putting. My narcissist could spell though and he did have a way with words; he cast his magic spell by loving me through the beauty of language. He also excelled at controlling me through words. But the thing I noticed quite early on was that the gap between what he eloquently told me and how he actually acted was wide indeed. He created a world of make believe through words that didn’t correlate at all to who he was as a person. He celebrated our love in words; and turned out to be this fictional character himself.

    1. You have a gift w words, too, Catherine – that was beautiful – I enjoy reading you. Yes, a make-believe world..
      ..and yes, once I turned off the volume and played the silent version of events, it was even more heart breaking.. or just embarrassing for me..

      ..ah well.. lessons learned.. do.not bear repeating..

      But on typos – since learning additional languages, I find I am much more tolerant of spelling or grammatical errors.. the essence of communication is what really should matter..

      1. Nuit Étoilée,

        thank you so much. And I agree with you. We need to turn off the volume and face the harsh reality. To be spellbound no more.

      2. Nuit Etoilee
        This is a profound idea: to watch the events with the sound on mute. With no dramatic music to preempt emotions, actions can be objectively assessed. Cause and effect. ‘Actions speak louder’, as the old adage says.
        I think too it shows the measly pile of crumbs we’re given for what they are, nothing but future faking, and substance less, clearly visible when all of our hopes are set aside. We see the N making choices to do X over Y, and the result: our inevitable sadness.

  6. One of the few instances where an Upper Lesser might be able to seduce someone with greater literary understanding/wordage is when that Upper Lesser pretends to be a scientist or engineer. It’s not a generalization to say that a gift for words too often evades these sorts. It doesn’t mean they’re not smart, just that writing is not their skill.

    I knew an UL who claimed he made 100K per year working on oil fields, and so he presented himself as an engineer/chemist/geologist. He was always evasive when asked about his actual title, but liked to boast about his earnings, which was untrue.

    While I recognized his many philistine opinions/mediocre vocabulary, I forgave them, assuming he was ‘math oriented.’

    It turns out he wasn’t ‘anything’ oriented and was only a truck driver for this company, barely passed high school, and spent most of his money on tattoos and fitness gear.

    He might actually be a Middle Lesser, now that I think of it.

  7. I hear it all loud and clear now HG !

    I’m still having so much fun stringing alongb the latest one. It’s like the words just don’t have any affect anymore, how can they when we know what they really mean and want. And that’s any physical contact with us makes their skin crawl.

    He’s trying soooo damn hard ! And I don’t know how I haven’t laught out loud as he reels off his lines.

    When he says, ‘we’d better get dinner early as were in for a long night tonight’ and I’m thinking, we’re bloody not !

    Or ‘we’re going to get so drunk’ on another ocassion. Okay buy me as many drinks as you like, I won’t drink enough to incapacitate myself.

    Or after him trying to sleep with me for months now, saying, ‘next time we’re foinf to spend the night together’ I tell him I’m morning like that. ‘Just think about it, that’s all I ask’ he repeats a few times. I’m not completely immune, even though I knew what he was doing. Because I tried not to think about it, but couldn’t stop. But I have more than enough self control to not be taken in by any of them these tactics.

    I want to see how long I can actually drag this out for! How many meals I can’t get before I have to walk away.

    I can’t beleive how he still keeps trying.

      1. Lots of random autocorrect into complete different words in my comment?

        Don’t you start with the NLP HG. He can’t see any gain, I’m just An illusion. The illusion of a potentially perfect fun filled dirty empath!

  8. I noticed after 6 years of the nice/mean cycle, he used the same exact words for each cycle. To add insult to injury, I would tell him I had heard all the exact words before, and of course he would deny it.

    One time, after a mean cycle, he sent me and another woman the same exact text, asking us both for another chance. He accidentally sent hers to me. Of course he denied it and he said he was just kidding me.

    I would also notice repetitive words in conversations. He used the same exact words for his bad behavior over and over and over again.

    Now I understand why. It worked for him, and the least effort was required to get the job done.

Vent Your Spleen!

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