The Second Emotional Battle

THE SECONDEMOTIONAL BATTLE

 

The first battle that takes places post disengagement is the Emotional Battle. That is a battle that you are always destined to lose. You will always fight at least one Emotional Battle because you do not know any other way. In all likelihood, you will face several of these post disengagement battles because you will keep being hoovered back into our grasp until such time as you learn to recognise what you are dealing with and understand what you must do. Eventually and this may take several Emotional Battles before you realise this and are capable of achieving the appropriate response, you either evade the Emotional Battle by escaping as opposed to being disengaged, or you prepare yourself for the eventual disengagement in a manner which means you no longer have to ensure the Emotional Battle. Instead, you move on to the next post disengagement battle, that of Head versus Heart (“the HvH Battle”).

The HvH Battle (also known as the Logic v Emotion Battle) is a battleground where you stand some chance of victory. This battleground is one where you have gained understanding. It might be through your repeated exposure to our kind so that eventually something has “clicked” into place or more often than not it is as a consequence of an external agent who has explained matters to you. It might by a therapist, a friend, the content of a book, something you saw on YouTube or even something that I have written. Whatever has caused this understanding to increase, it is this which provides you with the fighting chance to win this HvH Battle.

You have been disengaged from and run the gamut of emotional fall-out thereafter. You may understand what we are. You may understand some of the things that we have done. You may be familiar with the fact that we will try to hoover you back into our grip. You may even be starting to comprehend that what has happened was all predicated on an illusion. The degree of understanding will vary but what is important for you is that you are allowing logical thought to be heard above the raw heat of your emotions. You once again will not just be battling against us but also yourself. We will be looking to hoover you in order to draw you back into our grip or perhaps we will be unleashing a malign hoover since we are unable to draw you back into our false reality and therefore we opt to keep extracting negative fuel by way of punishment for your treachery. You have us as an opponent, but you will also be fighting yourself as your emerging logic grapples with the still churning emotion. You have learned many things and you know you should apply what you have learned but still there is the emotional pull that you experience. You are not removed or detached from your emotions, they have not dimmed either, they are still there, raging away. The hurt, the love, the longing, the passion, the fear and the upset. An ocean of emotion which you once tried to cross but that was the First Emotional Battle and you had barely taken four strokes as you began to swim before you were engulfed by the emotion and sank to the bottom of this sea, drowned by your own emotion. Now you have built a vessel. It is made from cool, hard logic. Critical thinking, once a stranger to you during your savage devaluation, has re-appeared. You can analyse and assess. It is unlikely you are able to do so at the level you once enjoyed before we came along but it is there. Whether this vessel is a tiny raft, a dinghy, a boat or a hulking great liner depends very much on the extent of your understanding. The choppy emotional seas will smash against your vessel of logic. A wave of sorrow will buffet you, a tsunami of longing will threaten to swamp you once again. Wave after wave of emotion will try and capsize your vessel as you try to navigate this emotional ocean. Chances are your life raft will be smashed to match wood and you will be tipped into the sea to drown once again as emotion subsumes you and you find yourself back in our hold. Your clipper may be holed beneath the waterline and you start to take on board more and more emotion as steadily you sink beneath the emotional waves once again. It is during this HvH Battle as you try to cross the emotional ocean, because what you must do is reach the dry land beyond and in effect put an ocean but you and us, you will be subjected to the push and pull of your emotions trying to guide you, to control your decision-making, your head will tell you one thing as your heart screams something else at you. This is probably the harder battle for you to fight. In the Emotional Battle, you do not stand a chance and your defeat is swift and total. During the HvH Battle you will make gains, suffer losses, seem to making a breakthrough and then out of nowhere a tidal wave will flip you from your boat and into the churning ocean and you drown once again. All the while we will be whipping up the waves, firing our torpedoes at you as we endeavour to cause you to sink into this emotional ocean yet again and you fail to cross it and win this battle. How might this HvH Battle manifest in the real world?

  1. You will know you ought not to contact us but you need to send a message to see if we respond.
  2. You will keep checking our social media profiles to ascertain if you are mentioned, if we are with somebody else and/or to find out what we are doing.
  3. You will ask about us to our coterie and lieutenants, often unwittingly doing so, so this is fed back to us.
  4. You will go on dates but find you are always comparing this new person to us and they are always found to be wanting.
  5. You know what the outcome will be but you just want one more night with us.
  6. You realise that we are unlikely to change but if you do not try you will ever know, so it is worth one more attempt to talk isn’t it?
  7. You understand much of what we did and said was a lie, but surely it could not all have been an illusion? There must have been times where we really did love you and you need to ask us about this.
  8. You know we are bad for you, but you cannot help what you feel. Surely it would be better to stop this pain from being there all the time and just have it occasionally?
  9. You know you should not reply to our messages but it feels so good to have a conversation with us again. It has been too long.
  10. You know we are using you, but it feels so damn good.
  11. One kiss cannot hurt can it?
  12. You know better now, so going back will be different because you know what to expect. Armed with this new knowledge you can enter the lion’s den again but be better prepared.
  13. You know we are bad for you but you cannot bear the thought of someone else being with us and perhaps being the one to work.
  14. What if this time the apology is sincere and the desire to change is real? If you walked away from that, you would only be denying yourself happiness wouldn’t you?
  15. You understand engaging with us is dangerous but there are things you really need to tell us.

These and others besides are all examples of the inherent tension that arises in this tug-of-war between your cool intellect and your burning emotions.

Can you win this battle that rages post discard? Unlike the First Emotional Battle which you can never win, you can be victorious. You may have to fight this HvH Battle many times before securing the win. In the beginning you may be clinging to little more than a log as you desperately try to sail the emotional ocean and you are swept from it. However, by reading and understanding, by disciplining yourself to apply logic, to prevent your emotions from engulfing you, by reading more and increasing your knowledge you will begin to increase your logic vessel. From log to raft to dinghy. Still you may be swamped and drowned again. But then it becomes a small boat, a yacht, a clipper, a steamer, a passenger liner, a frigate, a destroyer and a super tanker. Each time you rebuild, better, bigger and stronger as you learn more, making the vessel more seaworthy. You begin to chart routes so you avoid the most tumultuous emotional areas, finally beginning to steer through calmer waters until there it is, on the horizon, the sight of land and the final battle that occurs with our kind post disengagement.

The HvH Battle is not an easy battle. You will fight it several times, but each time you should be better prepared to cross the emotional ocean and improve your prospects of success. Sometimes you are taken unawares by some of our provocative tactics and dumped unceremoniously into the water once again, but it is a battle you can win through the dedicated application of knowledge and understanding.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “The Second Emotional Battle”

  1. Oh my, HG – so encouraging!

    This is the kind of encouragement i need..

    I needed this today, sincerely grateful. I feel so incredibly surprised that I find you of all people giving me hope.. sorry! I mean the skills and understanding.. no.. it still leads to hope..

    Hope is at the heart.. yep.. i’m an emotional creature..

    Thank you. x

  2. HG, my Lower Mid-Range ex once promised me practically everything under the sun for another chance and I gave him another chance on the premise that he would seek counseling because I had caught on that something was really, very wrong.

    He had called child services on me trying to get my kids taken away (unsuccessfully) and there was no way I had any reason to want to talk to him without him seeking counseling for whatever was wrong (because at the time I did not know what the issue was, I had just finally realized that he fully was seeking to destroy me in every way imaginable). That was just the final blow he dealt during that breakup period… there were many blows before this one.

    So he half-assedly kept his promise to get counseling/therapy. He went to one meeting and kept on and on with the therapist about how “his girlfriend is having problems with the way he does (insert various complaints here)” and constantly made the meeting about me. According to the ex, this therapist kept trying to make the meeting about HIM, the ex, but the ex kept insisting that the issue was not with himself. The therapist pointed out that he was morbidly obese, had a crappy, minimum wage job, hadn’t accomplished anything of note in his life and was living in his parents’ basement wasting his life away and staying drunk constantly (ALL TRUE info by the way) and my ex threw a fit, walked out on the session and never went back.

    My question, HG, is do you think it’s possible that from that ONE therapy session, the therapist had already gathered that my ex was possibly a narcissist? After everything I’ve read here and subsequently elsewhere, it seems to me that the therapist was quick on that discovery given that the therapist immediately zoomed in on the ex’s negative aspects. I’ve never felt attacked by any therapist like that. I suppose the guy could have just been a bad therapist, but given what I know now, I can’t help but think the therapist already knew what he was dealing with.

    1. Hello Derpy,

      I have the following observations :-

      1. It appears that the session with the therapist was reported to you. This of course means that there is significant opportunity for the facts of that meeting to be twisted, misrepresented or invented. However, the various criticisms of the lifestyle of your ex which were reported to you are consistent with the oblivious Lesser – he reports on all those facts (which someone with awareness would recognise as criticisms and would either address or not wish to highlight) lacking the awareness of what that means.
      2. The therapist may have identified your ex is a narcissist in one session but I would find that unusual. I think it is more likely that the therapist noticed that
      (a) Your ex has numerous shortcomings;
      (b) That he is oblivious to them;
      (c) That he incessantly looked to blame you
      (d) That he repeatedly deflected the therapist’s attempts to cause him to look at himself

      and this was evidence of one or more problems, although the therapist may not have arrived at a conclusion.

  3. Dear Mr Tudor,
    I remember my mum telling me of a lady she worked with whose husband beat her … my mum said … “leeeeeeave him” … she replied …”but …. Ive just paid for our new carpet and curtains” …. mum again said ” leeeeeave him and everything else, grab your bag, you can save and start again” …. I did!

    She stayed!

    Another co-worker of hers went out on a first date with a new European to the country, decided he wasn’t her type. She went out with someone else … the European found out, became jealous and enraged ….

    Sooooo,… he killed her!

    Extremely important message and crucial advice for us Mr Tudor, thank you

  4. Reading thru your 15 points, I was just amazed at how many of them with just a little adjusting could fit my current problem with out of control blood sugar. You really are describing an addiction and addictive thinking. And just as you describe with addiction to a narc, I keep using those same or similar excuses to keep eating the sugary foods that are destroying my physical health. Maybe I can use your advice to get out of this emotional sea of addictive eating. I’m going to copy these 15 points and refer to them daily when tempted by emotional eating.

  5. Perhaps a submarine is a better choice . . . once i understood what i was up against, and my emotions were still all over the place, the pull was still unbelievable . . . I “readied” for my end, be it disengagement or escape. I knew i had to end it. I surrounded myself with a wall and troops watching the wall. I fired the last shot. Since then i have been baited by mutual friends . . . NO contact is the only way.

Leave a Reply