The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist




I am red of tooth and claw. I seduce, I hurt, I cast to one side and like some malevolent Pied Piper, I play my tunes once again and draw you into my fabricated world. I operate a zero sum policy. I want what you have. If I gain it, I win. I love to win. I must always win. The winner is the conqueror, the strongest and the survivor. This is what I have been taught. That is the reality of my existence. Yet when you have been selected as our targets and the seduction has commenced, we have certain desires that we want to be true. There are initial desires that exist so that we do not have to go down the road so often travelled. We may have ensnared you but might we remain protector rather than persecutor?

We have these wants at the outset of our coupling with you. These are genuine, well-intentioned and considerable in nature. We are imbued with hope, optimism and confidence, every time a new prospect has been embraced by us. We want these things so that the teeth are never bared and the claws remain lowered.

  1. You are the one

I chose you because you are so special. I truly believe that you are the one, this time, to change everything that has happened before. You are the one who will save us, you have been selected beyond everybody else because you are the one. That is why we have such an infatuation with you at the outset of our relationship.

  1. You will not betray us.

The world is a cruel and harsh place and we know better than most how that is the case. We are surrounded by those who would strike us down and grind us into the nothingness which we fear. Those assassins lurk and wait, seeking their moment and we must ensure we remain vigilant so we do not fall prey to them. Traitors and betrayers mill about us, but we are wise to them. We know their game and we have them in our eye. We do not want you to be one of them.

  1. You won’t be like the others

We thought they would be the ones that we desired but they disappointed and dismayed and they left us no choice other than to punish them for their lack of loyalty and their false promises. We had to do so, otherwise a failure to act would only compound the perception of our weakness and we must at all times project to the world our image of success and magnificence. We hope you will not be like them so we need not maintain such a façade and we hope you will prove your worth so that you will not be like the others and let us down.

  1. You will stop the emptiness

Each and every day we must seek to fill the void that lurks within. It is part of what we are and we accept that this is the task which must be addressed because so much rests on being able to perform this important act. It is the reason for our existence but perhaps you can stop that sense of emptiness for us. Perhaps you can take away that void and provide us with the substance that we crave.

  1. You quell the fury

It is always there, churning away, waiting to be unleashed and directed at some transgressor, critic or traitor. I have learned to control it, many of my kind cannot do so and will never do so, it is a mark of my excellence and my superiority. I make it work for me, to advance my plans and to smite my foes. I have no choice for it is always there, waiting to be ignited in an instant. I can control it but I cannot quell it. Can you be the one to do this for me?

  1. You won’t get too close

Perhaps if you avoid getting too close to us you will not then let us down like the others before you have. We hope that you can provide us with all the things that we desire without the need to invade our inner sanctum which must remain locked and shuttered. Do not attempt to enter there for the consequences are too dreadful, for us both. Do not get too close and perhaps we have a chance to achieve the other desires that we wish for.

  1. You really do love us

They all seem to do so at the beginning but then we find ourselves surrounded by charlatans, con-merchants and frauds. Why does this always happen? All we want is for you to love us, unconditionally and eternally. That is what we only ever wanted.

  1. You will not wound us

No matter how grand and imperial we are, no matter how magnificent our achievements and our deportment that signals to the world that we are truly brilliant, a leader in our field, a behemoth and a colossus, we can be wounded with such despicable ease by those who send criticism our way. It hurts, it burns and it wounds and we must defend ourselves against such unwarranted and disgusting behaviour. Perhaps you will be the one who will not wound us in this way.

  1. You will not leave

Don’t leave us. The others have always done so. We do not understand why that is after everything that we have done, all the things we endeavoured to do to please them and then this is what happens. The others leave us twice. They come with such promise and deliver for a time but then they do so no longer and through such an omission they leave us. We want that person to return but struggle to contain the fury which is unleashed from this horrible criticism of us and then you sever all possibility of a return when you walk away from us. Do you know who you are when you do that?

  1. You won’t make us leave you.

Please do not do the things which force us away from you. The others all headed down that path. It causes us to consider that we are cursed, forever burdened by the fate that we will have no choice other than to leave you in order to secure our survival. Perhaps you can be the one who prevents that feeling from happening?

Each and every time these ten desires loom large when we commence our engagement with you. Some show such promise and for such a time and then one by one these desires are crushed, shattered and obliterated. We know only one way to respond to the destruction of our desires because we are red of tooth and claw.

29 thoughts on “The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist

  1. Deepsigh says:

    We really wished we could be too….the ONE to do all of those things…the one who could save you….not let you down….not unleash the beast….and we wished the same of You as well…that you could be the one to save us as well…and not let us down…….of course I am being metaphoric regarding the relationship of the narcissist to the empath and the empath to the narcissist….

  2. Sniglet says:

    Walk the line and your desires would be fulfilled.

  3. DebbieWolf says:

    I find this hard to believe because of the weapon of infidelity that is constantly in operation.
    How these initial desires of the narcissist can have even one breath of life when the stranglehold of “the no hope policy” is running in conjuction with any new beginning.

    These things are difficult to clarify.

    It is the jigsaw that will never meld as the pieces elongate and shapeshift beyond what is printed on the box.

    My head sits in my hands, my mind, so unwilling, though not unable, to see the neverending futility.

    We can ask the question why.

    But having to learn and to know at last that sometimes in life there is no answer to that question.

    To stay, asking the question is as if to drown.
    So the more.
    No more endless spirals to nowhere.
    Down with puzzles ..conundrums.. bamboozle days. world.
    Breath easy away from the chokehold of horror.
    Get out. Stay out.
    Before you break forever.

  4. Carolyn says:

    Hi HG.

    What if ex who escaped narc is getting married? How does this affect her ex narc? She escaped and met someone new, went no contact with the narc, blocked all his hoovering (he tried to win her back) and now is planning her wedding. Should she worry that he could pop up once again or maybe he will understad that he lost her?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Knowledge of this will wound. Whether there will be a hoover will of course, as ever, be dependent on whether there is a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met,

      1. Amv says:

        In reference to Carolyn, If the narc has a replacement primarily source that he is engaged to marry, and had said that he doesn’t care if she dates other people, why is that considered a wound?


        1. HG Tudor says:

          Do you mean why would be be wounded by her dating other people when he has a new IPPS who he is going to marry? Because even though we do not want you, you are not allowed to be with anybody else because you still belong to us in accordance with the narcissistic relationship.

  5. K says:

    Being an empath isn’t always easy, although, after much thought I am happy to be one because I could never imagine leaving/abandoning my children. My love is unconditional.

    Q. Do you know who you are when you do that?
    A. Your mother, perhaps.

  6. geyserempath says:

    Wow…epiphany time! I overstepped my bounds on #6 and #10. I tried to get too close and he didn’t like that because he had to be in control. And, if I am correct, there would have been no way to avoid going down the slippery slope because everyone will always disappoint the desires.
    HG, this is an amazing insight. Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  7. Iris says:

    These initial desires make a narc a kind of love devotee himself, doesn’t it? Always looking and hoping for the one person that will be his true and ideal love.

    I think it’s rather sweet and romantic. Totally unrealistic off course and it can never be found, but at least for a while the narc is “happy” and so is his appliance.

  8. Aurora says:

    This sent chills down my spine. The mid Ranger I know would tell me that the world is a cruel and harsh place and I can’t handle it…but that he could. One of the nicer things he said to me.

    This evoked a lot of compassion. What a truly nightmarish, confusing world the narc lives in.

    Very grateful for HG. When I was 16 and started dating a ‘greater’. This resource wasn’t available to me and it took me years to figure out what kind of human (humanoid?) I was dealing with. Boy that was traumatizing. And it left me ripe for another interaction with an N because I never fully healed those wounds created at a young age. Now a decade has passed and I spotted it a lot quicker with his help, which is great and I can write a dissertation on NPD but….

    figuring out how to leave is incredibly challenging.

  9. narseeker says:

    But HG, what would you say to this:
    “We have these wants at the outset of our coupling with you. These are genuine, well-intentioned and considerable in nature. We are imbued with hope, optimism and confidence, every time a new prospect has been embraced by us. We want these things so that the teeth are never bared and the claws remain lowered”.
    Question: Wouldn’t you say that that is your own Emotional Thinking talking?
    Confused. feel like I’m in a cognitive chamber full of mirrors reflecting ad infinitum (not the mirrors from “Sex and the Narcissist”, of course).

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are correct, it is emotional thinking.

  10. Are any or all of these desires actually fulfilled in the beginning for the narcissist?
    Or are you trying to groom the prospective IPPS to fulfill these?
    Does staleness cause the fury, paranoia and emptiness to return?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Some will be fulfilled but do not remain so. Others are not, despite us wanting that to be the case.
      Wounding causes ignited fury. The paranoia increases when treachery manifests and the emptiness returns when insufficient fuel is being provided.

      1. Thank you very much. That explains quite a bit of our interactions.

  11. nfl3 says:

    Yes, no getting close. Just when you think everything is perfect and we are getting close, silent treatment. No reason or rhyme to it. I’ve never been so confused. Why is this done, HG? To hurt?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Difficult to answer without context.

  12. Kimi says:

    “9. You will not leave… Do you know who you are when you leave us?”


    Your abuser, the one who did the core wounding of the Narcissist?

  13. Jennifer says:

    Always enlightening HG. Have you looked into and what are your thoughts on Dr. Dan Seigel’s work and his study of attachment, especially avoidant attachment, as it relates to Desire #6?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Jennifer, no I have not done so.

      1. Sophia says:

        I mentioned attachment styles a while back. I wondered how a person could tell the difference between the avoidant attachment style and narcissistic personality disorder or if you believed they were intertwined. I read the book “Attached” and there are many similarities.

  14. Natalie says:

    Hg do you triangulate your current IPPS more with your most recent ex or with your ex wife more? I feel like I would be more jealous of an ex wife like why is she good enough for you to marry but I am not.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      With the ex wife.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        Is your ex girlfriend Andrea (most recent predecessor) prior to your current IPPS still on the receiving end for you to get your negative fuel fix?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          She is, but she is not the sole provider of negative fuel.

  15. Catherine says:

    When I read this article I’m once again reminded of how alike we are somehow despite everything. We’re on different sides of an emphatic spectrum, (and I don’t know, but I might only in a way speak for myself and those of us here who have had the painful kind of childhood that most of your kind has had as well?) but we still look for the same things. We look for the promise of love, for something to last, to be that final resting place where we can stay, feeling happy/fuelled and content; you call it infatuation or constant validation or fuelling; we call it something more mutual, but still we need the validation as well, we’re conditioned to want it. We both have this void inside of us, we’re both in dire need of receiving our self worth from someone else.

    And then together we’re fireworks and complete disaster. We’re just explosive passion and utter destruction. We’re made for each other by way of repeating our childhood dramas. And of course we are the ones who will be abused; you will always be the abuser because nothing can survive for a longer period of time with that many expectations of fulfilment from another person, that urgent a need to be rescued by someone else. I find it so sad.

  16. Iris says:

    It is better to have loved and lost
    Than never to have loved at all.

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