The Rules of Ex Club – No. 12


25 thoughts on “The Rules of Ex Club – No. 12

  1. Nuit Étoilée says:

    Thank you for taking the time to explain this, Hg..

    Certainly explains why he begged during this last hoover..

    *I must say, that conciliatory prize makes me laugh.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        HG, I am confused with respect to a shelved intimate partner remaining such when placed on the shelf but when hoovered reverting to a non-intimate status. It seems this would make sense if disengaged not shelved. It does not seem to make sense that one goes on the shelf one way but comes off another. Any clarification would be appreciated. Thank you!

  2. BB says:

    What if you’ve never had sex with the narc… do they still consider you as “theirs”?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Nuit Étoilée says:

        Right so, does having sex w someone automatically increase the potency of their fuel – bc that makes the person an ip vs a ni..?
        Does that effect last forever? As in, once you’ve had sex w the person they are always considered an ip or does the effect wear off after time if the person is just a friend after awhile?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Intimacy moves the person up the hierarchy in terms of potency yes, it also goes to frequency and amount.

          For example, I speak for two minutes to a tertiary source let’s say in a bar. They are pleasant, they laugh and smile at what I say. The potency is low because they are a tertiary source. The frequency is a one-off hit. The amount is small as it is for two minutes.
          If I have sex with a tertiary source, the fuel is more potent than just talking with the tertiary source, but would not be as potent as that from a secondary source (non-intimate). The frequency would be a one-off hit as it is a one night stand, but the amount would be significant as it would be for a longer period of time through that one night stand.
          A person who we are intimate with remains an intimate partner (even if we are not having intimacy with them) until there is disengagement. Thus, when you are an IPPS in devaluation, we may withdraw sex from you but remain an IPPS. If you are a Shelf IPSS and you are placed on that shelf (thus no disengagement) you remain a Shelf IPSS.

          When we then hoover that person in future they would revert to the non-intimate status, thus an IPSS becomes a NISS, an ITPS becomes a NITS. The IPPS would become a NISS. Usually however it does not take long before the intimate status is acquired again.

          It is akin to the well known device of hitting the reset button.

  3. Joy says:

    Silent treatment, incredibly controlling. For starters. Thanks for the reminder

  4. Nicoleta says:

    What if the former victim, has moved on and forgot all about the narc, for instance married and had kids, and has no idea what he is doing. Does the narc still think the victim is on some deeper level emotionally attached to them? Or that they will come back?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You still, in our mind set, belong to us, however the fact that you have moved on with someone else acts as criterion which raises the Hoover Bar so far as Lesser and Mid Range Narcissists are concerned as the higher risk of rejection means they MAY be unlikely to hoover (of course it depends on the other criteria at the time). It has no impact on the Greater.

  5. Nicoleta says:

    I dont understand, how does this apply to everyday life? Or in what sense? Do narcs keep tabs on all exes, even ones from 20 years ago for instance?

    Do they feel like they own that person? I guess its difficult for me to understand this logically, when there is no logic. But could you explain what you mean by that?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes we own you. You belong to us until you or we die. Thus you are never really an ex (you may be referred to that purely for the purposes of common parlance) but you remain ours. We are not monitoring all “exes” all of the time, but rather when there is a Hoover Trigger and the HEC are met we will hoover you – why? Because you remain ours and thus we can take what we require from you once again.

  6. Joy Ascending says:

    Thank you for that! My ex narc is now texting me in hoovers, as though ready to start up a new golden period. I broke the fundamental rule and texted him back, being a polite empath, etc. This was just what I needed to set me back to reality. He is not looking for friendship, he is looking for a warm place to crash during the winter. Thank you HG, you help me more than you realize.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  7. Violet says:

    I had a flashback to talking to a friend of mine who I’d say is now the female version of you. At around age 10 I was asking about her mother who was waking her at 5am to study and was constantly putting her down. She was adopted, by rich narcissistic parents, and they wanted her to be a CEO. I told her I was there for her and she went into a panic attack. She said “I know you don’t love me unconditionally, I can feel that.” And then she said “don’t make me do that again. I’m never opening up to anyone again”

    I told her I was giving what I could but that if I gave everything I’d sink too because of what was happening to me. She said I was cruel and selfish. All she could see I think was my mother wasn’t doing what her’s was. But I was just being abused in a different way.

    I remember myself feeling that panic. Everybody was terrifying. I knew nobody who loved me, who I could trust and I couldn’t interact with anybody as myself. The effect on her was narcissism. The effect on me was terror and then I made myself kind of sedated and I became slow in speech and didn’t ever react spontaneously again. I’m the same to this day. My narcissistic friend didn’t want to lose her observations. I didn’t want to lose my values or feelings. It was a choice we discussed and made. I believe during some periods of distress I became a narcissist, and others had borderline episodes. I remember studying people to create a mask because I was taught to hate myself. I still feel when I speak and act that I’m unnatural, manufactured and self-moulding as the conversation develops. Is it possible my self also died, just as a narcissist? I do feel that way. I express myself still as my mother’s extension. I had my nature suppressed.

    I wonder if this is the most brain-damaging part of growing up. Not being felt, seen and accepted by caregivers who got rid of the ability to do so. It was and still is the worst feeling I’ve ever had. Like being rejected by the whole world itself.

    As the Peppers sing, “I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day.”

  8. Violet says:

    Hi Hg,
    Do you remember the fear of human contact before you switched to narcissism?

    1. HG Tudor says:


  9. pascaleshealingjourney says:

    So true…

  10. narc affair says:

    Unless they decide not to be.

  11. Kimi says:


    I hate it when you give us the silent treatment! Or we just being shelved? 😉

    Happy holidays!!!

    1. K says:

      It is a corrective devaluation because we have allowed our no contact to be breached.

      1. Kimi says:

        Lol! Guilty K!

      2. K says:

        You and me both, Kimi!

  12. Bibi says:

    The guy in the pic is a douche.

    1. narc affair says:

      I agree!

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