Twisted

 

TWISTED-2

How could you be so twisted? I gave you absolutely everything. I opened my heart to you and gave you a perfect love which is beyond compare. I let you in to my world and shared everything with you. Nothing was kept from you. I knew that you were the one, the one person who amidst all the treachery and deceit in this cruel, harsh world who would take care of me. I recognised that you would shield me and protect me from the perfidious foes that lurked seeking to destroy me. I gave you everything that I had. I poured my love into our relationship, investing in it because I knew that this time it was my soul mate who stood before me. You made me so happy because you knew what I needed. You gave me what I wanted and also what I needed and you lifted me heavenwards with that beautiful brand of love that only you can possess. Our relationship was built on the firmest of foundations and promised a glittering and marvellous future. We had so much in common. You liked what I liked and I liked what you liked. So many times I would remark to my friends that it was such serendipity that we had found one another. There is so much hurt in the world, so much darkness beyond the front door and we found one another, two shining lights that when combined we burned brightly and brilliantly.

Nobody made me feel the way you did. At times, eloquent and articulate as I am, I struggled to find the words to convey what you did for me. Your selflessness and devotion were breath-taking and naturally I reciprocated. I put you first. From the moment I rose until the moment I let slumber take me, I had you and only you in my thoughts. As our mighty empire grew around us, I planned for us both. I looked forward and constructed a happy, fulfilling and most of all loving future for us both. We had no need to look back at the past. We had both been hurt by those who acted to their own agendas. I suppose that is why we found such a need in one another and one that we could both address. It was as if we had been cut from the same cloth. Two pieces of a fabulous and stunning garment that just needed to be stitched together and once combined cloaked us in magnificence. Our brilliance was never ostentatious. Most definitely other people would look upon us and comment as to our satisfaction, but not smugness. People would remark about how happy we looked and they were genuinely delighted for us, there was no envy in their words or expressions. We had it all. We had found one another and I believed in you, I believed in us. I gave every ounce of my being to you in order to ensure that what we had did not crumble to dust. I strained every sinew, fired every synapse and poured my very essence into us. I could not have given more of myself to you. From the material to the ethereal I ensured it was all directed onto you in order to ensure you knew how deep and perfect my love for you was and is. I melded with you, combined, conjoined and became one because I knew. I knew with a certainty that I had never met before that this time, this time I had found my angel, my muse, my protector and my soul mate. Such was the treasured nature of this find that I knew I had to do everything in my power to maintain that you and I remained as one. There was no hope for anything else. I could never do anything to hurt or harm you and thus spoil this most precious union. Every waking moment was dedicated to preserving our special relationship. Each word, each act and each thought revolved around the concept of us and I wanted more than any desire that I have ever known to keep us together.

Yet you destroyed that. How could you? How could you render into the dirt and ashes what we had? How could you betray me so viciously? How could you twist what we had built together so that it was no longer recognisable? A warped and corrupted image of what had been so magnificent, so perfect and what I thought was so impregnable. You perverted our creation, the poison which flowed so readily and alarmed me with the speed by which you were able to summon it. The toxicity which clouded my vision, stinging my eyes, filling my nose and mouth as I choked on the malevolent fumes. Where did this come from? I had never seen this about you. In all the time we spent together, and we spent a lot of time together, not once did I see anything that would indicate that beneath your beauty and your tenderness lay this vast repository of hatred and malice. How could you be so twisted as to unleash all of this against me after everything that I had done for you, after everything I had done for us? It makes no sense. There is no logic in what you did, no rationale for taking what we had and then rending it apart, pouring acid upon it so it melted into awful shapes, searing it with flame so that it bubbled, cracked and split becoming something terrible and fearsome. So many times I have asked myself why did you do this? We had the world beneath us and then for some incomprehensible reason you wrapped your hands around it and began to dismantle and destroy it. No sane individual would do this would they? Only someone sick would act this way. Someone who has something very wrong with them would let me down in this way, after giving and promising so much, to then cast it all asunder. A twisted and hateful game is what you made the concept of us become and your warped actions have exacted a severe cost to my well-being. You have tried to break and destroy me. Why did you do this after all that I have given you, after everything I have done, after all the love, affection and dedication that I have shown to you? Only someone twisted could behave this way.

Do I speak these words or am I hearing them? Perhaps I speak them as they are spoken to me as I look into the mirror? Are these my words, your words or do they belong to both of us?

 

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26 thoughts on “Twisted”

  1. I love getting to the very last words of these types of compositions you post.. There’s always a kicker.. And sure enough, as I read this, I read it from my own point of view, but consistently kept in mind that this could also be the warped perspective of the narcissist as well..

    1. Bekah B
      I bet the narcissist doesn’t think his/her perspective is warped; they probably think our perspective is warped.

  2. Once again I am startled by your insight and your way of taking a situation and making me look at it another way. I almost felt guilty for not being the perfect one, reading this article, as if things would work if only I tried harder. You have a devastatingly effective way of getting into an empath’s head, leaving me glad I’ve only ever been entangled with lessers and mid-rangers!

  3. Amazing.

    I can totally see my N yelling this in my face, calling me ungrateful, careless, and selfish to go along with it. In fact, I only very briefly saw myself saying it to him because I don’t believe in the elation that accompanies a so-called ‘’perfect love’’ and then the inevitable downfall from that. In fact, one thing that I think (trigger warning) many codependents and Ns have in common is the tendency to manipulate through doing X then demanding Y. Both manipulate- I know because I am a recovering codependent. I would do something for someone, then covertly demand something else in return (so my giving wasn’t selfless). Only the N does it for selfish/malicious reasons, but the codependent acts out of supposed care. After losing tolerance to Ns in my life, I realized I’ve also lost tolerance for people-pleaser codependent types such as myself who try and help when I don’t need their help and their energy is best spent focusing on their own major problems. I say this rather bluntly because I see this in myself.

    It’s actually heart wrenching to read this because you get a real glimpse into the N’s mind- particularly the low and mid rangers who genuinely feel they have done nothing wrong and teamed up with someone who is a liar, careless, selfish..(like me!!)

    Anyway this post has no question- just sharing some thoughts…feel free to share yours if you like! And maybe HG will even respond #fangirling 🤣

  4. Beautiful and true for both of us from entirely different perspectives. The never ending reflections in those mirrors that are our souls; or what comes across as souls. Who is who and who of us has the power to interpret reality?

    I’m thinking of the concept of awareness again reading this text that could easily be written by both of us. Awareness fascinates me. I’m stuck with my reality, my thought patterns, my way of imposing structure on the world around me. I’m pretty sure I might be considered co-dependent to my nature and I guess that amounts to a disorder as well. My ex narcissist isn’t aware of his personality disorder, he believes in his righteousness and even though he’s at odds with the world he can’t do otherwise, can he? He hurt me; he thinks I was the one to hurt him; where then do you cast the blame? Who interprets reality?

    1. Great insight. We (codependents) need to stop trying to ‘play fair’ by trying to divvy up the blame so we feel nice and just. I’m acting for my own good now- anyone who calls me selfish or stubborn (ahem the narc I know and certain family members) is attempting a low blow because I won’t bend over like I used to.

      You know, every so often I meet an elderly woman who seems very bitter and negative about the world, who tells me that they were always too nice and got taken advantage of. It is clear from their life histories that they were codependents who became hardened from others’ mistreatment of them and their inability to say NO. Granted, some were just bitter but more often than not, this bitterness was a result of a permanent wall being built to keep others out in fear of being hurt. Now you guys tell me…is there much of a difference between an N and this woman at this stage? No.

      To stay kind, loving and strong, we must shed the moral relativism. The N in our life was harmful to our sanity and well being, and to avoid becoming like them, we must kick them out of our lives. Lest we become hardened and bitter….just like them.

      1. Aurora,

        That’s so true! The responsibility of the abuse belongs to the narcissists we were entangled with, but we, as codependents, have our own issues to deal with if we don’t want to end up with another narcissist or like the older women afraid of hurt that you describe. And as you say, we’re alike, we’re two different sides of the same coin as K says above; both afraid of abandonment, both coping the only way we know how.

        But most of the narcissists don’t have any awareness and I guess that’s their curse. We’re lucky to have it now and are able to do something good for ourselves with it. I’m slowly trying to act more for my own good now too; there’s some progress at least I think. I get at least to embark on this exhaustive and exciting journey of self awareness; my ex narcissist will never have that kind of opportunity.

    2. Catherine
      Who is to blame? Neither of us or both of us? Our kind interprets it differently from their kind. It is so sad; we have no choice but to disengage and go no contact. Our spheres of influence should never cross.

  5. H.G.
    Hmmm….I was thinking while reading this article….this could have been written by myself to my ex lol….and I was thinking wow…wish I could have written him a letter like this….like in those exact words…! But the only problem and the biggest problem is he has no conscience…so he doesn’t give a %\%^*~*!!!!!! So I finally learned…no matter how heartfelt….eloquent….and well written my messages to him were….I mean I do recall him answering some of them….but never the heartfelt emotional….he never responsed to those…especially if they talked about how he hurt me! NEVER! It’s like talking or writing to a wall….it just doesn’t reach! And of course there is no empathy…so yeah….THE WALL! Mission impossible!

    1. Deepsigh
      I don’t think they even read those heartfelt messages. Even if they reply, they still didn’t read it all the way thru. I know my exhusband doesn’t. Any message with emotion and he would stop reading. Didn’t matter who they were from. It would be like,

      [him] “S (his sister) sent me a two page text today.”
      [me] “What did she say?”
      [him] “I don’t know. Something about an accident and going to the hospital, yada yada yada…”

      1. Windstorm2

        Well good lol….saves me the embarrassment of pouring my heart out him…..I would love to think he didn’t read any of my heartfelt letters….and if he did that he has forgotten every word or thing…as every time I sent one I wished I hadn’t….so yes I will bask in the feeling of maybe he didn’t read them and maybe I wasn’t such a sad pathetic dog crawling on the ground whimpering at him for a pet! In fact I’ve ofter thought it would be nice if I could get amnesia and forget I ever met him….and would love it if he could get amnesia and forgot he ever met me! Maybe then I could have my dignity back! 💔🤔

      2. Windstorm

        I bet youre right about the heartfelt messages. Most men couldnt even tell you what your greeting card to them said much less a narc and a whole letter. Well……unless that letter was filled with heartfelt vitriol pointed at them.…

  6. This article is amazing. These words belong to both of us. A crazy fun house mirror twists our perception of each other and skews our words, as if they were filtered through perverse osmosis. Absolutely brilliant.

    1. K, i love that analogy… I tend to think in terms of my perception.. i want to persuade, convincr the other person.. but his perception is so different from mine.. like we don’t speak the same language.. or one of those mirrors where what you see depends on who’s looking…

      HG, i knew what was coming.. I recognized your style… but when the tone switched my chest was caught, tightened to a knot nonetheless.. if accepting the blame for wrongdoing would mean reconciliation and forgiveness, a deeper understanding between us, i would accept the fault was mine…

      ..but it is never enough..

      Aggghhhhh so frustrating!!!

      1. Thank you Nuit Étoilée
        The mirror twists our words so we each perceive the message differently and this is why we clash with such passion and violence. We are simply two different sides of the same coin; we are exactly the same but completely different.

      2. Yes and no Nuit Étoilée. One side is capable of both love (positive) and hate (negative), while the other side is only capable of negative feelings. The two sides should never meet because the union would ultimately self-destruct.

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