Warning Letter


“Dear Victim.

Well here we are again. Or rather, here I am again. I referred to we because as I mentioned in my first letter to you, I do not really distinguish between you and all the others, so what is about to happen next seems to me as if it has happened with you, numerous times before. What is going to happen is something that I have done so many times before with so many other victims so one thing to keep at the forefront of your mind is that you are not alone in being subjected to what will come next.

It has been amazing so far hasn’t it? I told you I would love you like nobody else ever has and I delivered. Okay, I was actually loving your praise, love, admiration and adoration of me, but to you it felt like I loved you in a way which went beyond anything you had ever experienced before. That certainly kept you happy. You told me every day how happy you were. You told your friends, your family, your colleagues, the man at the hot dog stand, in fact anybody who would listen. I enjoyed watching you do that. It made me feel good. It made me feel powerful. Here I was able to make you tell the world about our perfect love and goodness me have you loved me perfectly. You told me every day just how much you loved me. You cared for me, looked after me and helped me in so many ways. From letting me use your car when I crashed mine to scratching my back as I lay in bed at night ready to sleep. Of course it was not all one way. I gave you everything I could. I only did it though, to get your fuel. I give to receive. I do not know any other way. You sometimes told me about your love for me being without condition. I didn’t understand what you meant. No, that is wrong. I understood what you meant but I struggled to imagine doing this. I love you with so many conditions, the chief one being that I only actually love you for the fuel that you give me. Not for who you are. It will take you a long time to understand this and even longer to accept that this is the case. This is why I am writing this letter so that you can keep reading and re-reading it in order to allow it to sink in. After all, nobody else is going to be able to tell you how it really is will they? Anyway, it has been brilliant so far. Ordinarily I would claim that that is all down to me, after all am I not brilliant? It is a fact however that you more than played your part. You gave me absolutely everything. Your heart, your soul and you poured every essence of your being in to the concept of us. I know you did this because I could see you doing it. I had to because I needed that in order to sustain me. The more you gave, the more brilliant I became, so you gave even more in return. It was an upwards spiral. Two people working in magnificent harmony. You because you believed in us. Me because I needed your fuel. Not that you ever realised this. Why would you? I became the perfect partner, complimenting you, praising you and loving you in that oh so spectacular way. It was intense, it was scintillating and I made sure I became everything that you would want from a relationship. It was a great deal for us both. I made you feel ultra-special. You gave me the ultra fuel that I need. Does it matter that what I provided to you was based on something else? I would say not, you still got what you wanted didn’t you? I should imagine you would argue that it did matter because you truly believed that I loved you for who you are and that should be the case. I can understand why you would think like that. You are big on this love thing aren’t you? That is why I picked you of course, that and many other reasons as well, but that played a big part. I wonder though; if nothing altered, if I kept treating you the same way forever as I have done so far, even though it is predicated on a completely different basis to the one you think it is, would that trouble you? You wouldn’t know of course. All you would know is that I continuing to give you the apparent love you crave, in the manner that you have come to expect and in a fashion that makes you feel so special. I don’t suppose you would be particularly upset if that remained the case would you? The thing is though, that isn’t going to happen. Yes, you read that correctly. What has happened so far, marvellous as it is, is effectively at an end. Oh, you will be allowed some glimpses of the person you thought I was, from time to time, in order to keep you with me, but to all intents and purposes this golden period of unparalleled love has come to an end. You won’t realise this because first of all you just cannot accept that something so wonderful could end in this manner. Second of all you will not realise because of what I am going to do. I am going to confuse you, bewilder you and befuddle you. I am going to make everything hazy, amorphous, nebulous, blurred and indistinct so you are not going to understand what is going on.

Why am I going to do this? Well something has changed. I would usually explain, if I ever felt that an explanation should be given (and I operate from the stance that I owe you no explanations because I am unaccountable) that as usual it is your fault. You have let me down. I do believe that to be the case. I wish it was not. I wish this wonderful period could have continued for the rest of our days together but it cannot. What once invigorated me and made me feel powerful just does not do so in the same way anymore. Don’t think you are alone in this happening. You are not. All the others let me down as well. It is as if you are not trying any longer. It is as if you have become bored with my brilliance and you see no reason to admire me and adore me in the way that you once did. That wounds me. Your actions or perhaps more accurately, your lack of actions makes me feel less than what I am. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel worthless and this infuriates me. I know that others have said to me in the past that nothing has changed in the way that they feel about me, that they love me just as much as they always have done. Yet even though they tell me this it does not feel like that anymore to me. The power I felt when you showed me that love and admiration is either no longer there or not as strong. I cannot help it. That is the way that I feel. Since I have not changed in the way that I regard you, I can only reach the conclusion that this alteration in how I feel has been brought about as a consequence of you. Something in the way you act towards me has altered. You perhaps are not giving enough of yourself to me, you are not manifesting the love, the admiration and the adoration in the way that powers me. It might be that sometimes it feels stale to me, that has happened, perhaps it is because you have become too familiar to me and therefore I do not derive the same reaction that I once did to the way you have behaved. I know that this has been suggested to me but I do not know if it is right. For so long you behaved the same way towards me, loving me in that wonderful way and it did not feel stale or jaded. I think, more likely, it is because you have begun to treat me differently. You are not performing at the level that I require and therefore to me this means you no longer regard me in the same light and this offends me. I feel criticised by this behaviour of yours and therefore I have to protect myself. You see, I do not like criticism. In fact, I hate it and therefore I need to act promptly to defend myself against this criticism. That is why I have to do what comes next. I had hoped this would not happen. I had hoped that you would be The One so this could be avoided. I had hoped you would not let me down, that I had made the right choices and decisions so that our golden reign could continue forever. I guess I got it wrong, although it is not something I would ever openly admit, I do not want to be seen as wrong because that suggests weakness and that is the last thing I want you to think I am. So, here I am again, about to protect myself from your implied criticism. Anybody else would say sorry for what is about to happen, but as you will soon find out, I do not do apologies. I am sorry for myself that it has come to this of course. I am full of self-pity when the need arises. So, that is the end of the golden period we had. I must do what I have done so many times before and bring the hurt. I will stop now as I have some planning to do, but I will write again. You might want to put your tin hat on and buckle up. This is where it turns nasty.


Yours in disappointed fury

N. Arc


60 thoughts on “Warning Letter

  1. Narc Angel says:

    Tappan Zee

    A question:

    Did you feel yourself sliding for awhile before you broke no contact?

    I ask because I have felt a shift in your posts over the last while and almost asked if you were waning. In any case I got to this article late, so I hope you are well and soldiering on.

    1. Tappan Zee says:


  2. MyTrueSelf says:

    Catherine, as I see it unconditional love can also be loving the other even though you aren’t able to be/live with them, feeling love for some aspect of them yet getting out of a situation that is causing you to suffer. There has to be unconditional self-love, too.

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      Ladies, HG and whoever—

      Broke my nc. Looked at his social media. First time since I left. Dying. DYING. He is blocked. I LOOKED ANYHOW. What do I feel? Sad. Lonely. Forlorn. Like I made a huge mistake. I want him back. Maybe he is ok. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he has changed. Maybe he can change. Maybe I can help. I KNOW THIS IS INSANE. Please help me ramp up the logic boat.

      1. Caroline says:

        You made a SMALL flub… do NOT beat up on yourself. I made a much bigger NC mistake. I suck. I let him talk on the phone… and trust me, it’s messed with me. Pressure over what a mutual friend would think who handed the phone over to him – my stupidity at feeling I must be “polite” – and just totally, stupidly freezing – well, I did nothing effective to discourage him. He wants to come see me, and I believe I said, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Don’t think?? WTH? I totally froze.

        Hang in there. YOU are doing fine! I actually watched a rerun of the sad Reeva story, to remind myself this is not normal/scare me a little… like I said, what I allowed via phone is truly messing up. You can feel MUCH better now. You can regroup.

        Your logic boat:
        1) You know he cannot change. He is a narcissist and will cycle. Remember the cycles? Think of all that PAIN. No to that — just no! You so deserve a normal, healthy, safe relationship.
        2) If HG says he’s a narcissist — take that to the bank. He IS then!
        3) If you allow him back in, he will be MORE abusive. You cannot risk that.
        4) Foolish Caroline has her narcissist chasing her now, with all his fake charm and fake sweetness and his fake “you’ve always been the only girl I want to marry” stuff and etc… and she is a nervous wreck and NOT having fun… because she knows it’s not real — and is seriously scared of what is coming next. (Really, I’m shaky).
        5) Review 1-4, as needed. XO. I so understand how you feel.

      2. Twilight says:

        Tappan Zee


        He is what he is and nothing will change this!
        Think about this how hard is it to change yourself? Now do you believe you can actually change or help him?
        If one has a desire to change something about oneself it takes an incredible amount of will power and support, yet the key factor is one must desire then decide they will put forth the effort to do such, if no such desire exists then it is is a losing battle.

      3. deifilia says:

        He is not okay but he will never be okay. But you don’t seem to be okay either, you are hurt, right? Do you think it’s him you want to help or yourself? “Helping him” will not save you or him, it’s a losing game. But you have a chance of getting better if you stay true to yourself and ask yourself why you are craving to help a man who is certainly going to mistreat you.

      4. Sophia says:

        Tappan Zee,

        They don’t change, nor do they want to. I lingered about as an IPSS for over a year after our formal relationship ended. So many times I made excuses for him, managed down expectations, you name it. The only person that changed was me.

        I’ve asked myself why I ever needed or wanted someone like him in my life. I’ve started listing off reasons why I no longer do. He’s added nothing truly meaningful. So, why?

        Accept what is, not what could be. That’s going to really help you.

        HG has pointed out, she’ll get the bronze or gold period and she’ll get the devaluation too. He’s not her knight in shining armor, not yours, nor will he be anyone else’s.

      5. Blank says:

        I send you my love Tappan Zee, NC really is so hard, especially these days. Nobody can help you though. You can only help yourself. You know he hasn’t changed. You know he is not ok. You were not wrong. Go NC again and try to distract yourself from thinking about him. Take care TZ xx

      6. narc affair says:

        Hi tappan…weve all done it and im sorry youre hurting as a result. It is insanity so stop those thoughts bc you are a smart woman and you know full well you werent wrong about him. Would you be in this situation even questoning this if you were wrong?? I think not! No youd be assured and happy not in chaos emotionally. If you even have to question it then there were issues.
        Go back and remember all the shitty things he did and youll have your answer quick.
        Dont beat yourself up for looking its all part of the healing journey. We learn from our mistakes and thats true healing. (((Hugs)))

      7. Tappan Zee says:

        Thankyou all. It sounds small. Like no big deal. Um, put me on tilt in so many ways First social media. Then with that defense down and spiraling perhaps “just” an email. Or swing by where I now know he lives. It is literally like crack cocaine. One hit and it’s off to the races. The addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. I am not sane when in the throes of this. Any breach of nc is not “bad” as in wow I am awful. It is lethal. For what it does to me. My head My heart. It all gets twisted up into a ball of lies. I tell myself. Ugg. And it all started with a preface of lies. That i needed to do it. To look. It would be ok. Blah blah. It is not. I am truly an addict that needs to remain abstinent. Poison if not. Really appreciate all the feed back and reminders as I spun out. Rekindling now. Meh..

      8. Catherine says:


        I’m with you in this and I understand how you feel. Sometimes it’s so hard to resist that emotional sea and the smallest step into it makes you think you’ll be drowning again. You won’t. You’ve come a far way already and the pain of no contact is excruciating at times; but at times we know also that it’s the only course to take to happiness. I’m sometimes doubting my senses too; thinking I might be wrong; maybe he’s not a narcissist at all. But it doesn’t matter anyway. He’s an abuser and I can’t let myself be abused. I’m writing down our whole story together as a book project. I don’t know what I’ll do with it in the end, but it helps me look more objectively at what happened. When in doubt I just read the parts I’ve already written knowing then that I can never go back to him. It helps. It keeps me sane.

        Thinking about you and wishing you all well!

      9. TZ,

        It is not insane. It is emotional. It is why you were chosen. You give good fuel.

        You have gotten so much good advice, the only thing I can think to add may sound snarky.

        Put a photo of yourself by your computer with the caption “Fuel”. I hope that might make you think you DON”T want to check on social media.

        But srsly, it’s so sad, that our emotions fight so hard against logic. Logic should be our emotions best friend. It’ll really protect us from hurt, if we let it.

        What were you feeling just before you broke NC? Do you have something on hand (like a totem) to remind you to come back to logic? You are an intelligent woman. If you dissect this incident, you should be able to see what triggered you, and recognize it if it comes again.

        I wish you strength and love,


      10. Caroline says:

        Tappan Zee,
        What you said in your reply to all of us is very insightful. While I tried to make you feel better and fix it all up for you, like a pretty gift with a bow on top — you did the right thing — you reflected and wrote about how a small breach of your NC grows…until you feel infected and obsessive again…which is discerning and your Truth! Nicely done.

        I find your screen name interesting, because I see you as someone who has everything you need inside of you – good analytical skills, intuition, bright, wise. What I see you not yet fully TAPPING into (see what I did there?) is the immense power that you have with all that. You’re quite powerful! Powerful enough to overcome your addiction… though I know that begins with knowledge… traverses through discipline re: what you do with your emotions… and ends with huge self-love/self-protection. We all are learning these lessons, in varying degrees. My biggest lesson to get (obviously, still learning–cringe) is “What you see is not what you get,” as in keeping uppermost in my mind the dichotomy of the narcissist’s inside (thoughts/motivations) v. outside appearance (tomfoolery). I am, clearly, not cognitively integrating this fully yet… and it makes me susceptible to Pollyanna thinking and letting down my guard.

        Anyway, you got this… you just don’t believe it yet. Yes, you’re exactly right — go back to the basics and work your way back up to seize your power. You’re awesome.

        Wishing you peace through the holidays… and with a new year coming, renewal. 🙂

      11. Indy says:

        Hi TZ,
        Girl, be gentle with yourself! First, pat yourself on your back for recognizing that looking at their stuff online is breaking NC!! Not everyone counts it and needs to (per HG Exorcism book!-my fave of his). Second, it is truly hard to get over someone, anyone. Especially someone that engages in addictive games with love (narcissists in particular are highly addictive as I know you know), it takes practice to do true NC and a brave strong heart and strong self worth! I’m proud of you and now I also cheering you on, continuing your healing journey and strengthening NC.

        I saw a song that kind of reminded me of this blog, women helping other women (and a few men too!) keep from diving back in. I’m sending you my strong woman support vibe via song:



      12. Bubbles🍾 says:

        Dear Tappan Zee,

        Your name represents the “bridge” .. which is strong! Just “look” at the boat pass … wave bye bye
        Best wishes

    2. Catherine says:

      MyTrueSelf, you’re so right. I’m aiming for the unconditional self love now. That’s where it all has to start. From within;)

      1. Tappan Zee says:

        I would read the book.

        Then burn it with you.

        Chestnuts roasting…

        📚 + 🔥 = hohoho

      2. Catherine says:

        Yes, TZ, it’s crossed my mind to burn that book when ready, or I’ll make it into something slightly less personal and go for publishing it. Ha ha, that would be a great revenge; better than any vengeful letter I could send him. But I don’t know yet. I’m going to finish it for sure; honestly I’m hoping somehow it’ll make me just let go in the end instead. I need to focus on the pain, on the hurt of every occasion; light up the pages of my life with this kind of intense torch light to see it for what it was: a hurtful love not real and gone completely wrong. Then I need to let go. That would be a nice end.

  3. Blank says:

    “I’d go hungry; I’d go black and blue
    And I’d go crawling down the avenue
    No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
    To make you feel my love”

    Blank would like to know ;).. who sang this for their narc?
    (and now cry their eyes out, whenever hearing this song)

  4. angela says:

    Right words…no comment…

  5. Catherine says:

    I’m thinking of the concept of unconditional love reading this. I know it applies to loving someone for who they are, no matter what, but it seems to me that no love can ever come without conditions? Is there even such a thing? I certainly love with conditions and expectations, or come to think of it maybe I didn’t when with the narcissist. To never be allowed to abuse me would be a healthy condition. But I also love with a need to be loved in return; I love with a need to be fulfilled, to be valued and more obscurely and unhealthily I’ve loved all my life with the need to be given my own self worth externally from the concept of love and that of merging with another human being. So is there such a thing as unconditional love?

    1. Blank says:

      I think there is Catherine. I have thought about this many times and came to the conclusion that I can love unconditionally, but not live or interact with everyone unconditionally. I love the narcs in my live, I still do, but would not be able to live with them anymore, because they hurt me too much, over and over again. My therapist said I had to take better care of my own needs and that’s when I realized I deserve to have a good life too and there is no need to live with abuse. Yes, I would love to be loved in return, but to be honest I do not think that will ever happen. Not anymore.

      1. Sophia says:


        When you love yourself, when you no longer need to be validated, you’ll find reciprocal unconditional love. Believe you’ll get there and you will. You deserve happiness. Best wishes.

      2. Blank says:

        Thank you Sophia. Best wishes to you too xx

      3. Catherine says:


        You’re describing unconditional love beautifully and I get what you mean. There’s the unconditional love for ourselves, the need to look out for ourselves first and foremost; and then there’s that kind of love that can become unconditional when we somehow manage to detach from it; loving freely and without holding on for dear life; knowing that we can’t possess someone else, realising that we’re always in some sense alone and other people will never be able to fulfill us and fill our void completely; that’s not their destiny. We can detach from our narcs, understand that they’ve been teaching us a necessary lesson in life and still somehow maybe love them even though we have to protect ourselves and cant be with them ever again.

        And I wish for you to be loved in return. You’re smart and you’re brave; you will be!

      4. Windstorm2 says:

        Yes. That’s a good way to say it,
        “I can love unconditionally, but not live or interact with anyone unconditionally.”

        That’s the way I am too. Even my children, who I love more than anyone else, I wouldn’t want to have to live with. I think the problem is that as humans we all have our own pettiness and selfishness and just our own interests and things we are working towards – and these things can be difficult and obnoxious for any other people to put up with – even those people who love us the most.

        Whenever we interact with people we have to have boundaries and we have to protect ourselves and our feelings. Otherwise our feelings, wants and needs can be trampled on and neglected by our loved ones even by accident. They are so filled with their own needs and problems, they may not even notice ours. And then there are all the narcissists who even if they do notice our feelings, ignore them because they believe them to be unimportant.

        There are many people who love me, and many whose love is permanent and unconditional, but I wouldn’t want to have to live with any of them. Living with people is just hard. Dealing with all their emotions is a constant stress, dealing with their demands, giving up my own freedom, constantly guarding myself against abuse. It is constant work to live with anyone, if you truly want their happiness and your own.

    2. Lou says:


    3. Sophia says:


      I know exactly where you are coming from. I used to think unconditional love meant accepting abuse because that’s what I was raised in. I love my mother and father unconditionally because of who they are. How often I see them is based on how healthy it is for me.

      Protecting yourself and loving yourself doesn’t mean you don’t love unconditionally. It means you have standards and rights to be treated as you would treat others. It’s taken me years to understand that I can love unconditionally from afar.

      True love is reciprocal and unconditional. Unconditionally loving yourself by accepting your flaws, building your self esteem, and creating boundaries will attract unconditional love to you. You deserve it.

      1. Catherine says:

        Thank you so much Sophia. I realise what I need to do is to love myself unconditionally first and foremost. I got it all wrong growing up the way I did and I never learnt to love myself. I’ve tried again and again for the perfect love I longed for, but I guess what I’ve been doing is to try to mend myself through mending others. My quest now will about applying all those tools of self awareness to myself and heal finally. Then the unconditional kind of love might come my way.

        A Merry Christmas to you Sophia and to all you others here!

    4. Windstorm2 says:

      Yes there is unconditional love. I first experienced it with my grandmother. She was a very sweet, empathic woman and she loved us all unconditionally. I realized that was what her love was when I learned what unconditional love was in psychology class in college.

      I can honestly say that I love all my children and grandchildren unconditionally as well. There is literally nothing they ever have to do, nor nothing bad they may do or not do in the future that will change the love I feel for them. I may condemn their actions, but my love for them will never change.

      But that’s it for me and unconditional love. There is an amorphous love I have for all living things. And everyone I know and interact with I will care about always. Also there are many friends, acquaintances and relatives that I care about deeply. I care about their feelings and their welfare and that caring is unconditional and never ending, but it is not the deep total love I have for my children and grandchildren. I guess what I feel for everyone else is more an unconditional caring.

      1. Catherine says:

        thank you for your answer. I can understand that kind of unconditional love towards your children and your grandchildren; it sounds beautiful and what love should be like. I wish I had that kind of feeling in my life. I don’t have any children, I was never that into dreaming of motherhood, but I did think earlier on that it would happen someday; I would just meet the right man and everything else would fall into place. I never did though and I’m starting to realise through therapy sessions now that I’ve been careful to avoid the issue by choosing men who didn’t want children. I think my upbringing scared me and somewhere unconsciously I’ve been afraid of repeating the patterns of my narcissistic mother. But I’m ok with it. I just wish for that unconditional love.

      2. NarcAngel says:

        Hi Windstorm

        I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.

  6. Lynn says:

    Hg what is the longest amount of time a IPPS of yours was able to stay in the golden period?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      2.5 years

      1. Caroline says:

        Is it true that the longer the golden period, the more likely you’re dealing with a Greater?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Not necessarily no.

      2. Alexissmith2016 says:

        why did it last so long HG ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Through my dedication of course! She was the problem, not me.

          Her fuel was potent, she avoided committing the devaluation triggers for a considerable time.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Last year at this time, Kim was in a respite for the holidays after her first devalue time with you. You never mention her anymore. Given your average two year mark with relationships, is Kim now an ex?
            Being that Karen and Kim both had long golden periods with you, did you find their fuel’s potency to be close to that of your ex-wife’s?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            No she is not. I am not done with her.

            Potency is similar anyway since all three are/were IPPS – the quantity and frequency are the closer elements.

          3. MLA - Clarece says:

            I’m curious if the potentcy out of the three was their positive fuel outlasted others when you undoubtedly started testing limits and trying to draw negative fuel; or, if when you attempted to try negative fuel, they dished back challenge fuel that made you enjoy the clash? Or a combo of both?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            A combination of both.

      3. MLA - Clarece says:

        Was that your ex-wife who had the 2.5 year golden period?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It was.

      4. Twilight says:

        What made her different from the rest?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Well in the end she wasn’t any different.

      5. Indy says:

        My ex husband treated me golden for about that length, close to 3 yrs. Speaking of which, he, the man that I left in 1998 is still hoovering. I blocked his past number and he got a new one and texted me today a “merry Xmas to myself and son. He tried via my son on thanksgiving and got no response. I have not talked with him for years! He has a fiancé for Christ’s sake!

        20 yrs ago I left him…still stalking and hoovering. I’m a testimony to what HG says that it’s never over.

        **blocking another number**

      6. Insatiable Learner says:

        HG, how long were you together total with the ex-wife? Why do you think her golden period was the longest?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Four years. Her fuel was potent and she did not do anything to trigger devaluation for a longer period compared to the others. There are other complex reasons which will come to the fore in due course.

      7. Sophia says:


        Did your wife come before or after Karen? It was Karen’s fuel you’ve enjoyed most, correct? How long did Karen’s golden period last?

        It seems like Lessers and Mid-Rangers have really short golden periods. I think my MMRN only gives bronze periods from what I’ve heard from others (here and those that know him) and experienced myself.

        Will you be writing about bronze periods in detail? I understand it’s basically doing bare minimum and keeping the beast in check. I think my MMRN has a very naughty beast he’s constantly at battle with.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          She came before Karen. Yes Karen’s fuel was bountiful. Karen’s golden period was around two years.

          I will write about bronze periods.

      8. Blank says:

        That would be the max for any golden period with a narc I guess. I once watched a video on Youtube with some professor who stated that ‘being in love’ (you know the infatuation, butterflies and all) can not last for more than 2,5/3 years. After that (or before) a relationship will end or people will settle if there is love involved. With narcs there is no love involved, but it is the non-narc still loving the narc which could make the relationship last longer. But the non-narc will stop the sucking up to the narc, because he or she will know the narc better by now and realize he or she is not the saint they thought they were. So, the narc doesn’t receive enough fuel and starts the devaluation.

      9. narc affair says:

        Its interesting reading about golden periods. When i started on here i didnt know of terms like primary or secondary sources but once i did i was shocked bc im definitely a secondary but that being said so are all the others. My narc has no primary. Hes got a network of secondaries. I do wonder if theres a heirarchy in the secondaries bc he spends a lot of time with me.
        That being said i felt i was in a long golden period id say about 5 yrs out of the 7. Shelving started on and off the past 2 years but even in the shelving hes full of i loves yous and sweetness probably for maintenance bc he knows id not put up with total lack of affection.
        However throughout the 5 yr golden period there still were sprinklings of devaluation and of course always mind games like triangulation and gaslighting but so covert.
        Does a pure golden period exist with no devaluements or narc games at all? If so someone else is taking the brunt of it.
        It definitely is easier for non live ins and secondaries etc to have longer golden periods bc the narc can have respite periods from them. When theyre under a microscope 24/7 its hard to hide behind that mask and also they are triggered more. This i think may be why my narc nevered married or lived with a woman bc he knows itd never last and he enjoys his matrix and its freedoms.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          During a golden period there is no devaluation. The golden period has two stages – seduction and embedding. During seduction you will be mildly tested (which in retrospect you might see as a devaluation) but it is not, it is part of the process of ascertaining your suitability.

          When the golden period for an IPPS ends and you enter devaluation, thereafter this period is a combination of the Stranger Zone, Devaluation and Respite Periods and they can fluctuate within minutes from one to the other or you may have a fortnight of respite with no devaluation at all and then it starts again.

      10. Indy says:

        Hi HG,

        How many women total do you have currently (Intimate primary plus Intimate secondaries) and is that number pretty stable over time since your 20s and has Kim ever caught you or suspected you? And how did you manage it?


        1. HG Tudor says:

          Three at the present time. It fluctuates.

          No I have not been caught nor is there any suspicion – I manage it because I have learned to do so in a manner which avoids such issues and furthermore what I do professionally assists in that regard.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Nice question Indy! I remember last July during one of your live feeds someone asked how many girlfriends you had and your answer was three back then too. So I’m assuming you’re juggling the same three women.
            I’m curious since you always say that there has to be something missing with the prime aims or residual benefits to keep someone as a secondary source only. What are the two you are juggling behind Kim’s back that keeps them in that spot as a DLS or just secondary source? I’m interested in knowing if their education level or professional life factors in or if one of them are married and you enjoy having someone cheating on their spouse?
            Do dish a bit HG…

  7. Katie says:

    So my question for you is …as you’ve become older, wiser and more knowledgeable of your condition and the reasons behind it has it mellowed your dealings with the people in your life? Made you more accepting of the normality of being part of a couple, the common ups and downs? Has it improved your relationships to be aware?

    My N knows he is stubborn, wants things his way, gets bored easily, jumps around, lies, gives me his little silent treatments, verbal abuses etc. He will tell you, “I answer to no one, I take what I want, rules aren’t for me, Im not a nice person” on and on. He seems to have an awareness that he is not like everyone else but no counseling as an adult. I was just curious of the amount of difference you feel it’s made for yourself.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No it hasn’t mellowed me. I sometimes consider alternative options, “slowing” the instinctive response as a consequence of the work with the good doctors.

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