Mind Games – Part One
We love to conquer. Nowhere is off limits to our kind. Your mind is no exception to that mentality. The repeated application of mind games and the impact this had are both consequence which live long in the memory of those who have experienced them as a consequence of being entangled with us. I repeatedly state that the games are always being played. I doubt few would disagree with that statement. You ought to be aware however that the deployment of mind games, whilst always a factor in the narcissistic relationship, is not as deliberate as you may first imagine. In the case of the Lesser Narcissist, the mind games are collateral. They are a consequence of his instinctive behaviours, his reactions and pre-determined methodologies. He lacks the cognitive function to engage in the purposeful mental torment, but instead what arises as mind games is side-effect of the way that he behaves. As for the Mid-Range, well the application of mind games will sometimes manifest as deliberate but for the most part, he is similar to the Lesser and that these mind games occur as a consequence of the way he is engineered to think and to behave. It is with the Greater where the true twisted behaviour manifests as not only are the mind games a consequence of what we do, we also purposefully engage in them because we know how effective they are at achieving what we want and also because we are excellent at deploying them.
The imposition of bewilderment on a shattered and exhausted mind possesses a deftness of touch which is far superior to the brutish application of a fist to a cheek. The conjuring of confusion from the use of words alone is a highlight of the Greater’s manipulative repertoire. Accordingly, the mind games which arise from entanglement with a Lesser or a Mid-Range arise because of the various defence mechanisms those types of narcissist deploy. The Greater regards the playing of mind games as an essential part of the narcissistic relationship, one which is considered noble, important and a hallmark of his sophisticated abuse.
These mind games are varied and effective. Anybody who has been on the receiving end of them will testify as to the horrible impact that they have in creating doubt, fear, worry, anxiety, submission and a sense of helplessness. What are some of these mind games?
- Second Guessing. The act of making you forget about your own needs because you are conditioned to think about our needs first in order to avoid some dreadful repercussion if you do not so. You apply your mind over and over to assessing the situation and trying to gauge how you should respond, what you should do next, what you should organise, how you should look, how you should behave in order to avoid some other abuse.
- Pre-occupation. By making ourselves so central to your existence and the only thing which matters you find that you are always wondering about us. What are we doing right now? Who are we with? What are we doing? This does not necessarily occur just in the devaluation. As the seeds of addiction are sown during the seduction, you find your mind is focused on us more and more. This is the laying of the groundwork to have you forget about your own needs and indeed who you are as the focus of your attention becomes all about us.
- Mirroring. We convince you that you are falling in love with the most wonderful and fantastic person you have ever met. This is achieved by mirroring what you want in the object of your affection. By meeting this need on so many different fronts, you become helpless to falling in love with what you believe us to be.
- Obsessing. By engaging in the vague, the vapid and the amorphous we have you start obsessing over us. Once again the focus moves on to us as you ask yourself what did he mean by that comment? Why is he late? Why did he just do that? You look for clues which are non-existent and seek answers which are not there, reading too much into what are often innocuous scenarios.
- Gas Lighting. The infamous act of causing you to doubt your own reality and is invariably the cumulative effect of many different types of mind game. You end up doubting yourself and accepting our false reality as the true reality instead.
- Jettison. The act of having you think that you are about to be discarded. Comments will be made which suggest that we are dissatisfied with you, that we are tired of you and that we have interests elsewhere. Nothing is said outright, there is nothing concrete, but the signs are there that you are going to be discarded. Aren’t they?
- Jealousy. “But she is just a friend.” “How can I be having an affair when we only meet during daylight.” “You are reading too much into it.” The appearance of somebody who we talk about a lot, spend time with and appear to admire is designed to bring about jealousy in you and undermine your self-confidence.
- Mea Culpa. The complexity and absurdity of our behaviour means that you are unable to fathom out what is actually going on. This results in you needing to find some kind of answer in order to give you piece of mind and therefore since you have no ground to question us, you decide you must be at fault and being to blame yourself. After all, nobody gets furious for no obvious reason do they? You must have done something wrong to provoke us. It is your fault.
- Projection. The intentional movement of our faults and unpleasant behaviours from us to you. The accusation that you engage in the very behaviour which we undertake ourself.
- Character Assassination. The unmerited and savage attack on you, criticising you for any number of things; how you walk, how you talk, your hair colour, who your friends are; how you made the coffee this morning. Anything and everything about you will be attacked even though you cannot see the basis of doing so.
- Blame-Shifting. The defensive step of ensuring that we are never to blame or held accountable. Anything that goes wrong, any incorrect behaviour, any mishap is all down to you. You caused it, you brought it about, you made it happen. Even though you cannot see any factual basis for the accusation that has been flung your way, this will not stop it happening.
- Authoritative Denial. We do not just deny, we deny with such conviction, determination and authority that surely only someone who does this is someone who has to be right, yes?
- Gaseous Smear Campaigns. You are being spoken about, whispered about and slurs cast against your name, at least you think that is the case. You seem to be receiving strange glances and hear snickering when you walk by certain people, but you never hear anything concrete or certain. You might be mis-hearing, you might be mis-reading, it may just be paranoia. Trying to work out if you are being smeared is like trying to catch a gas with your bare hands.
- Silent Treatments. The staple of the narcissistic arsenal. Why is he silent? Why has he vanished? What have you done wrong? When will he speak to me again?
- Double Standards. We are so pleasant and wonderful to everybody else. People speak so highly of us, yet when the front door is closed we turn into a monster with you. Is it real? Perhaps you are taking it out of context and exaggerating or maybe you are doing something which causes this to happen and nobody else does?
- Amnesia. We deny having ever done something or said something even though you are positive, well fairly certain, okay, at least reasonably sure, we did say it. It works both ways as we accuse you of having a faulty memory as we tell you we told you last week we would be going out tonight, why can you not remember these things? Are you doing it in order to annoy us? Of course you are.
- Losing Your Mind. We label you as crazy, unhinged, a maniac who is need of help. Good Lord, everybody thinks it of you and we are a saint for putting up with this behaviour for so long. We tell you often, arrange for you to get help, see a doctor or a therapist and accompany you to explain to them how you are losing your marbles. Are we making all of this up in order to disturb you further, or then again, might you just be losing your mind after enduring all of this?
20 thoughts on “Mind Games – Part One”
how would calling someone unsociable, impolite, rude, etc. be used? In which context, how and why?
I need more details to understand who is calling who and in what context.
#14. Wish I had known this to be a hallmark trait before I fell into the emotional shock and wonder at what could I have done for her to totally go completely dark for no apparent reason. This is ongoing, as this person is my boss, and also an extreme malignant narc, who literally holds my career in her hands or so she’d like me to think. Trying to go gray-stone, but when she wants to chat she forces me to comply; then goes dark again until she needs to be fed.
Lived this nightmare 7 years plus
I remember my narc told me his significant other locked him in the basement. If I knew then what I know know I would have locked the door and threw away the key. He said she was crazy had me looking at her sideways
Funny. Mine locked me in the laundry room 😜
Bastards one and all
Thanks for the laugh, Patricia J! They really are bastards.
Right on target!
#12 can be helpful when playing scrabble and you’ve made up a bullshit word.
Ha ha. I’ll try not to forget 🙂
Social media and texting really are good ‘toys’ for a narc to do the mind games. I have a more clear mind now, but I still fight my brain not to go insane when I start thinking about the narc and all his mind-fucking games. All of the numbers mentioned here he applied, all of the time. No wonder my mind blocked it self at one moment. I just wish I could get closure.
It’s mind boggling the level of torture the weasel s put you through. Thank the Lord for the body’s protective mechanism. I believe I would have gone completely insane. Hahaha more than I already am. Happy New Year fam
Oh yes. This resonates extremely well:
” The imposition of bewilderment on a shattered and exhausted mind possesses a deftness of touch which is far superior to the brutish application of a fist to a cheek. ”
Couldn’t have been expressed better.Entirely true.It’s effect is of high impact: deteriorating,eroding,long lasting,subtle,given in
“small ” but frequent doses…
“The conjuring of confusion from the use of words alone is a highlight of the Greater’s manipulative repertoire. ”
“The Greater regards the playing of mind games as an essential part of the narcissistic relationship, one which is considered noble, important and a hallmark of his sophisticated abuse.”
Why is it considered noble by the Greater? Could you expand the meaning of noble in this context?
Off topic but i was wondering HG if either youve written already or if youd consider writing about spotting a highly narcissist individual vs a narcissist. When it comes down to it if that persons toxic in your life you need to eliminate them or limit the time youre around them but it seems many i talk to cant decipher a narcissist bs someone that possesses many narc traits. Whats the difference and if theres a blog in particular addressing this id appreciate it. Thx
It seems we label anyone with a lot of narc traits as a narcissist but narcissism is a disorder and not the same as a person who has more narcissistic traits. The only situation i can think of is a super empath yet ive met many who id consider super empaths who were more on the empathetic side than narcissistic.
I have made a note NA.
Thats a very good point. If we start to see everyone with bad behaviour as a narc (which is not the case), I think we can lose credibility with others when trying to bring attention to the actual disorder and its affects. Its a difficult subject to begin with and its easier for others to say: ‘oh he is just an asshole and you are just angry’. They dismiss it as us looking for a reason or someone to blame instead (which is what allows the narc to go on undetected). I realized this today when I had to clarify my post about the bad behaviour of my ex-husband who was not a narc but whos behaviour in that example would have people believe that he was. Agreed that you should eliminate any toxic person from your life regardless their label. Thanks for your post and suggestion.
This blog post is spot on and applicable also to NISSs as far as I’m concerned.
M, I only discovered this website a few days ago and am not sure of the acronyms, but I think NISS means “non-intimate” Something Something. Not sure what the S’s stand for. Anyhow, I recently shed a friend/business associate who did all these things. I had hired him as a consultant to help me become a better manager, so at first when he called attention to my shortcomings, I was receptive. When he started to make personal criticisms (for example he said that one hip appeared to be lower than the other when I walk) I thanked him for the information, but I didn’t pay much attention to it, since I can walk long distances without any problem. If one hip actually is lower, it doesn’t seem to interfere with function. When he started to tell more and more stupid lies about random things, at first I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe he had mis-remembered. Or maybe I had. But when I caught him in lies I could prove were lies, with written documentation, and when he still continued to insist on the truth of his lies in the face of proof to the contrary, I knew he was fucked up in a major way. So I terminated our relationship. He did not accept this graciously, but that’s a whole other story. One thing for sure, though, non-intimate narcissists engage in the same mind games.