The ‘Final Discard’

THE FINAL

“He told me he never wanted to see me again so long as he was alive. That is it. This time it  really is over.”

“She told me I was useless, pathetic, that she hated me and she would call the police if I came near her again. I don’t understand what is going on, but all I know that is the absolute end.”

“He made it clear that there is no future for us, that he cannot stand the sight of me and that he wants me packed and gone by morning. This is it. It really is it, this time.”

“She has taken everything and left me a letter explaining that she cannot do it any more, that she needs to find herself, whatever that means and there is no future for us together. I knew this was coming, I could tell, I have been given the final discard.”

The final discard. The curtain of conclusion. The guillotine of totality.

It really is over.

So often victims of our kind distinguish between being discarded and then there is (await dramatic music) the FINAL discard. There is being kicked to one side by us but the prospect of being hoovered back in and then there is the final discard whereby you have been removed from your association with us and it is the end of the entanglement and there will be no more engagement between you and I.

Victims often consider declaring that this time is the final discard and they do this for two reasons, which, interestingly are conflicting.

The first reason is that they desperately hope that it is not the final discard at all and that when they explain to whoever is listening to them recount the minute my minute dynamic of this final discard, that the person will tell them that it is not. The victim is hoping that the listener will provide some cogent reason, some piece of evidence which will explain that it cannot be the final discard and thus fulfil that which blazes at the heart of all empathic individuals; hope.

The victim does not want the entanglement to end. He or she cannot bear the pain. They do not want this to be their exile, their abandonment or their expulsion. They want to remain with us but fear that this time it really is the end and they are crying out for somebody to tell them that it is not, just so they can cling to a hope.

The second reason is because the victim does indeed hope that it is over so they are freed from our monstrous clutches. They want that to be the end. The victim, either at the time or sometime after this final discard, having gained some knowledge and understanding, ascertains that what they did caused significant wounding (although often they are wrong about that) and that this wounding was to such a degree that it sent us packing with our tail between our legs, skulking away, broken, humiliated and shame pouring from us, so that we will never, ever dare risk returning to you. The victim concludes that what they did has sent us packing and we will not darken their doorstep or inbox again. It is an understandable conclusion to reach.

There is no such thing as a final discard.

There is no such thing as a discard.

There is only ever dis-engagement.

This is because in our minds you belong to us and the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until you die or we die. That is only when finality applies to our connection. You are our property. You are our fuelling appliance. You are good and then you are bad. You are of use and then you are of no use. And then you are of use again.

We have invested time and energy in you. We want to reap the benefits time and time again.

If you are our primary source, we will dis-engage with you. We paint you black and do not want anything more to do with you at that time. It may appear as if we have ‘discarded’ you, but it is merely the termination of the Formal Relationship. You are not our girlfriend, partner, wife any longer. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. We do not draw fuel from you, we do not take your character traits, we do not take your residual benefits. You are deleted as we enter a golden period with a new primary source.

If you are an intimate secondary source, we will dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf, back in the cupboard, ready for the next time we want to engage with you. You are not deleted. You are just not required. For now. There is no discard. You usually are not devalued. If you are, then you have offended us and there will be a dis-engagement and a termination of the Formal Relationship of booty call, friend with benefits, shag partner.

If you are a non-intimate secondary source, we dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf again until the next time we wish to engage with you. Most NISSs do not notice this happen because they regard it as a natural lull in between meeting up, speaking and so forth. Again, it is rare for the NISS to be devalued, but if you are, then you have offended us and the Formal Relationship is terminated. You are no longer our friend.

If you are a tertiary source be it intimate or non-intimate, you will be put to one side as we dis-engage. There is no Formal Relationship to terminate. We may return to you or we may not. It depends on our fuel needs.

Thus, you need to understand that there is only ever a dis-engagement. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. If there is no devaluation, we consider the Formal Relationship to remain in place – thus you remain our booty call, our friend – but we have no need to call on you at the present time. If there is devaluation, then the Formal Relationship is over – you are no longer our wife, you are not our boyfriend, you are not the friend or friend with benefits and we dis-engage.

It is usually us who decide on this dis-engagement. Whether there is devaluation and dis-engagement or just dis-engagement, it is invariably us that makes this decision. If you reject us then it is an escape and of course we will endeavour to hold on to you.

What though of the situation where you have actually wounded us considerably, either as we dis-engaged or more likely, when you make your escape? Surely that brings about finality? That must mean we do not want to engage with you any longer because you have mortally wounded us and as a consequence if you did this as we dis-engaged with you, then we will never return yes? If you did it as part of the escape you implemented, then is it not correct to state that we will not hoover you?

No.

As mentioned many times, there is always a risk that we will come back and hoover you. There needs to be a Hoover Trigger activated by you entering a sphere of influence. Thereafter, the Hoover Execution Criteria has to be achieved. This includes various matters to balance, some increasing the risk of meeting the criteria, others diminishing that risk.

This includes

  • the type of narcissist you are dealing with
  • how your fuel was regarded
  • whether you provided character traits
  • whether you provided residual benefits
  • whether you are with somebody new
  • whether you have recovered from a position of being broken or not
  • how easy it is to contact you
  • how easy it is to make physical contact with you
  • whether we know you have been lamenting our dis-engagement
  • whether you have been angry about our dis-engagement
  • whether there are outstanding issues – money, property etc
  • whether there are obstacles
  • whether there is a risk of wounding

Thus you can see the savage wounding you may have inflicted on the last occasion we interacted is but a consideration in the criteria. Yes, it may well be an important consideration when viewed against the other criteria but it will not itself amount to a final discard.

No matter how damning we were about you, how we may well have used words such as “never”, “do not”, “forever” or “always”, we are pragmatists. It is the practical need of fuel which governs all that we do. Contradiction and hypocrisy do not concern us. We can perform a 180 degree turn, a volte face or a complete turnaround and it matters not. Those were yesterday’s words.

We do not discard.

We will always come back IF the Hoover Trigger is activated and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.

There is no final discard.

And that is my final word on the matter.

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11 thoughts on “The ‘Final Discard’”

  1. HG:
    I am a shelved IPSS, not devalued, not discarded and yet he ended our “friends with benefits” status 3 months ago. Would this be because he is playing with his new IPSS and and my benefits are simply “on hold” until he requires them? As a Middle Lesser Victim narc, I know he has a low libido. Could his new IPSS supplying verbal sexual nuances and/or sexting be enough?

    1. You are on the shelf, therefore matters are in a place of suspension. Others in the fuel matrix are being engaged instead.

  2. MMRN enjoyed my fuel for 18 months after our formal relationship ended. I have this feeling that my fuel was a favorite of his. I provided it consistently and in large quantities, his faithful super empathic puppet.

    I provided character traits and of course residual benefits. He liked to call me crazy, but we both knew I was much more emotionally intelligent than him.

    I wounded him considerably the last time we spoke. I listed each of his undesirable traits and said I see him for who he is. He kept gaslighting me so I hung up on him, then I ignored his email. I did not wish him Merry Christmas, Happy New Year or Happy Birthday as I always have in the past.

    I hope he’s still licking his wounds. I hope he struggles to find fuel as good as mine. I know he’s wondering if this is really the time I’ve had enough. He’s had plenty in the past want nothing more to do with him for much less than I put up with. I hope his beast is clawing at him. In fact, I’d be delighted to know it is.

    After everything he put me through and everything I know he is, I’ve got nothing left for him. Not one drop of fuel. Numb. I hope his mediocre-cowardly ass knows it and I hope it hurts. I just wish I hadn’t waited until I was numb to be done.

  3. I completely ignored mid range narc for 8 months before he had a ‘breakdown’ (his word not mine) and left to be with new supply very next day…ive been no contact ever since then 5months in total however we have a child together but all communications are done between the narc and our son….am i likely to be safe as he and new supply are apparently loves young dream….i really truelly never want to see his face ever again so yeah my question is am i in the sphere of influence because we have a child?
    Thanks in advance HG

    1. Your child will cause repeated hoover triggers. Whether a hoover follows then depends on the relevant Hoover Execution Criteria applicable at the time of the trigger. I do not know the extent of your no contact, not the other factors applicable so I cannot provide you with a more accurate response. I can of course do so through consultation if that is of interest to you.

  4. Funny you mention a retreat with his “tail between his legs”. Those were his exact words in a social media post. Complete with a picture of his forlorn face! It was almost comical.
    ::right click, save::

    Is there NO way to force a final discard?

  5. “It is usually us who decide on this dis-engagement. Whether there is devaluation and dis-engagement or just dis-engagement, it is invariably us that makes this decision. …”

    Considering that narcissists depend on their IPPSs for fuel and to validate their existence, they are aware that their partners will eventually end the relationship during devaluation since they know that nobody can put up with so much abuse for a long period of time, even if the narcissist feels justified and thinks their IPPSs deserve it. Some narcissists will threat their IPs with leaving them during arguments *several* times but they do not do it, unless they have a new IPPS. I asked why they do it. I was told that they would rather leave their partners first than feel the pain and shame of being “dropped like a hot potato”. I was surprised they referred to themselves as an inanimate object.

    I think that even if the IPPS ends the relationship first, narcissists will try to convince themselves that this has not happened, that the relationship still exists so they will hoover their IPPS, if they want to.

    In my opinion, this is a defence mechanism narcissists use to convince themselves they are still in control (even when this is not true), to avoid feeling powerless and to avoid the pain and shame of being rejected and being left by their partners and being denied of their very existence. If narcissists see human beings as objects *and* believe everybody is just like them, they will probably equate the end of the relationship by their partners with being thrown away as an inanimate object (hot potato). An object which is thrown away does not exist anymore and narcissists dread not being acknowledged of their own existence.

    When fuel sources respond to hoovers, the narcissist receives validation that he does exist after all and he also avoids feeling powerless and out of control.

  6. No I have wounded the narcissist severely and he is embarrassed and ashamed. I exposed him publicly in a blog that his friends and family have read. His need to smear and call me crazy was great. I’m confident he will never attempt to hoover again. One but not the only reason I did it

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