A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 56
My heart aches for you every minute of the day. I still love you with all of my heart and soul. You are the sun and I am Icarus. Though I know going back to you over and over again, I am begging to be lied to, used, devalued and discarded. Because even before I knew what you were, I knew in my heart that this relationship was not a good thing. Your love engulfed me and consumed me…your constant text messages, your declarationst of love, your words…so powerful, sweet and soothing made me as a lonely woman feel needed, sexy, Desired and beautiful. You asked me to do so many things that were totally out of my character, like taking sexy or nude pictures, phone sex and sexting, which I had never heard of, putting money on your books, gifts and cards.
Considering myself a logic and intelligent woman, I never thought that this could happen to me in a million years. On a drunken lonely night I posted an ad on Craig’s List for one hour, where many people responded wanting to satisfy my loneliness and quench the thirst of desire. In my sober mess, I took the ad down and rebutted all responders. All back away except you.
You were persistent in telling me that you just needed a friend and someone to talk to. I also needed a friend and thought this would be perfect…a friend that I would never meet, so I would never betray my marriage to my best friend. Oh, but you had other plans for me that went far beyond friendship. You succeeded in you quest to steal my heart with no intention of ever loving me the way that I deserved.
After stealing my heart, that’s when the true test of my love for you began….you told me you were in prison for a 25 year sentence…..my love persisted, you told me that you were married after a year of loving you, my love persisted, then the money, the picture, phone sex, the triangulation……my love persisted. All the face book pages with all of the female friends, many barely with clothes…my love persisted. I continue to run from you attempting no contact….it hurts to stay, it hurts to go….I am Icarus and you are the sun.
The last time we spoke, I said I love you. You response was ” I know baby, I know”. I said goodbye for for the 100th time, vowing to never return. Your response, ” why do you keep lying to yourself, you will be back”. When we speak, there is no new or intelligent conversation – we talk about your wife and how you must manage everything from prison because she is not smart enough, we talk about your son who is also in prison following in your foot step, though you claim you raised him from prison, you and your wife get your grand daughter every week, though she is free and your are behind bars, your promises of getting paroled soon so you can choke me, kiss me, cum down my neck and rape me until I call your name. Or we have phone sex or you need money. I am determined to GOSO this time my love, because , the longer I remain here, the more you will hurt me and we come from two different worlds. Our ideas of love have two different meaning which is not good for me. When we are together, I lose more and more of myself. When we are together I feel insane….loving someone who was never mine to love. I lose all sense of self and there is only you and no me. I am Icarus and you are the sun that will burn me alive and move onto the next victim.
Codependent Icarus – GOSO.
19 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 56”
Hi there ,
I thought my situation was bad and don’t get me wrong — it was! But yours? Listen to me. You may go back. You may go back one more time. 10 more times. But you know. You already know what’s up here. Let your emotional thinking catch up to the logical thinking that you’ve already mastered. I can feel you. You’re so close and if you fuck up a few more times with him , it’s okay. It will delay your emotional thinking from dissipating but you will be less interested each time. The sex. The cum. The manipulation. So hard to imagine who can fulfill that part of you ever again, right ? Don’t worry. You’ll be okay without his demeaning and disgusting sex that was masked by hotness and love. It was FAKE. I know you’ll be okay. There is not a single day that goes by —- in the shower , walking to work , eating ice cream , listening to a song— that I don’t think about him. The good news is , while the loss is still palpable , I see clearl and it’s lessened. And I massage the pain with the knowing that There is a time factor. A healing process. It takes time. Try to GOSO and if you stumble , it’s okay. You’re so close and I legit know you will make it without him. That scumbag.
I love you.
Hi lisa…i just wanted to say how helpful your post is and that its appreciated! Im not the writer of this letter but can relate to your post 🤗
*HUGS 💞 you deserve better
Hi icarus…youre right it started off a codependancy posting on craigslist and has grown into a codependant relationship thats not only toxic but potentially dangerous. My heart goes out to you bc i can see so much of myself in you. Youve had so many boundaries broken and youre right the longer you stay the more you will lose of yourself. This is a go nowhere situation but spiral downwards. He is going nowhere and bringing you with him. The time you waste on him is time you will never get back and regret losing. Break the ties and feel the pain of no contact. That pain is your freedom and your sentence you must pay for being with him but you will be so much further ahead in the end! You can do it!! No contact!!❤
Dear Icarus…thank you for sharing…I hope you got some relief in typing out the letter. It was very emotive and I could feel your frantic internal struggle, between logic and emotion.
I think you will find your recovery a hard and painful journey, but you can do this. It is possible.
Every time you think of him you MUST tell yourself you mean nothing to him. You are just one pawn, out of many, on his prison chessboard. All pawns look the same, and he will feel no emotion when he eventually takes you off the board. I know that is brutal to hear, but it is the truth, and truer than anything he has ever said to you, ever. The “connection” you feel is only at your end. There is nothing at the other end. Only a scheming con artist. This is the truth. If you can repeat it, over and over, you will eventually win this battle. Scrape him off, and fly with new fire-proof wings to peace and a better life. I sincerely wish you all the best.
Well said, BU.
Thank you, Joanne xx
Dear Codependent Icarus,
Thank you for sharing your letter. It is an aspect of the dynamic that I had never even considered, until now, and it has opened my eyes to another corridor of this disorder. Icarus is the son of Daedalus, the inventor of the Labyrinth, and your letter is an excellent example of the entanglement (complex maze) between the narcissistic and empath/CoD.
Very sad letter, Icarus.
Your man idealized you (bilt you up) and then deconstructed you (broke you down).
The fact you are present on this blog tells a lot about you – you have a strength to face a harsh reality. That’s good. That’s how the healing process begins.
You have to do to your man the very same things he did to you in the same order – you have to IDEALIZE and then DECONSTRUCT him.
You’ve passed the first step already – idealization. You fell in love with him, he was the best person alive for you. Everything was sugary and rosy. Enough.
It is time for the second step – deconstruction. Deconstruct him. See his real internal world. See his hidden agenda. See his modus operandi. See his self-destructive life as it is. See how damaging he is for your life and psyche. See him for who he really IS.
Deconstruct him MERSILESSLY, COLDLY, UNEMOTIONALLY and LOGICALLY.
Deconstruct him to HIS VERY END and then you’ll be free from him and any other similar people in the future.
Don’t blame yourself for anything and don’t have any regrets. You’ve got a priceless experience. You’ve got a vaccine (yes, it was painful) to form the lifelong immunity against Narcissists. After recovery you’ll never be ill anymore. That is the main goal.
I wish you more strength. I wish you good luck. Finally, everything will be alright, girl. Just remember it.
I love this! Beautiful advice.
This guy sounds like a dangerous, fill-blown sociopath. Be glad that he is locked up. This is someone you need to stay away from forever.
I don’t think it is unreasonable to surmise that if you are dealing with a Lesser Narcissist Sociopath, that there is going to be a great chance that he has some sort of incarceration history, mug shots, sex offense.
Forget FB and social media–that’s what they want you to see. What they DON’T want you to see can be found in a simple background check. Even a detailed Google search can often pull up mugshots and arrest history.
Hi HG…as always, loving your posts. I have been looking at your numerous books online and have a question – I’m 9 months out, she’s got new supply so is leaving me alone for now. At this point, I’m just working on moving on and healing but want to stay armed. I’m just wondering, at this stage, which of your books would you recommend? Thank you.
Exorcism, Black Hole, Fuel and No Contact
Oh, this is a painful read. I recognise your codependency and the prison you describe might as well be the prison all these hopeless men are sat in. They’re behind bars, literally or not, and they seek to imprison us too. Not feeling the full spectrum of emotions is a kind of prison; there’s no connection. I hope you manage to break all contact with him; I wish you the best.
That’s so sad. Please find the strength to let him go. Stop thinking about how he makes you feel and concentrate on what he does to you. Don’t indulge yourself — You deserve some peace.
She needs to love and value herself in order to get away. She needs to really* agree with the idea that she deserves better, that she deserves to be loved and appreciated, and that it’s by **far** better to be alone and at peace than to be in an abusive, narcissistic relationship.