A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 67

khalessi letter

To the exN,

No.

I don’t want to get back together with you. I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t trust you anymore. There is nothing to salvage. Our relationship is over. This is not a game. I don’t want you to try harder. I don’t want your empty promises of a lovely future together. I know you. I know that you’re incapable of truly loving anyone. More importantly, it would never work because I don’t feel the same way about you. What I felt for you is gone and I couldn’t get it back even if I wanted to. I know and understand too much now. Why would I ever go down that road with you again?

Yes, I broke my promise to you. I forgive myself for that. When I promised to always be there for you I thought you were someone else. I thought the things you said to me were true. I thought you loved me the way I loved you. That was before. Before the lies and cheating. Before the head games and manipulations. Before you crushed me and made me feel less than. Before HG.

In your mind I “screwed you over” by breaking this promise. You want me to “stop trying to think logically and get back to my emotional side”. What a joke. Seriously. I’ve always been logical as well as emotional. Once I learn something it can’t be unlearned. I won’t close my eyes to the truth, or give you my love again, so you can feel better about yourself.

Yes, I agree, it is comical how I was afraid of losing you for so long and now it’s you trying so hard to get me back. How I blamed myself for not being enough for you. How I tried so hard to make things right between us for years. How I believed that we were meant to be together because our love was so strong. I was asleep and dreaming a beautiful dream. That’s all it was.

Then I woke up. I broke up with you. The tables turned. You didn’t think I had it in me. You thought that I cared more about you than I do for myself. You thought I was weak. You were wrong.

I was ready for the Grand Hoover (that’s what it’s called when you did what you did, you know, calling and messaging over and over trying to save our relationship). What I wasn’t prepared for was the length of time you would continue to try after my silence. I really thought you would give up by now. HG calls it “fuel obsession” and I believe him. Once upon a time I would’ve believed this meant that you really loved me and that I was mistaken about you being a narc. Not anymore. I know better now. I know the truth.

You didn’t know what you had until it was gone? Not my problem. Move on. I have.
Khaleesi
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40 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 67”

  1. I relate completely to the first part and I’m looking forward to the day I can saybi successfully didcthe second part great job

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  2. I haven’t read the post.. all I feel is anger.. My x narc tired to reach out to me a few a times and I blocked him…. Your kind should not even exist… how dare you breathe the same air. How dare you live amongst the loving and broken while we feel the pain. it has been almost two years since i left and I am still emotional. I break up with those who try to get close to me as I remember the pain. the pain of being barely alive and not wanting to get out of bed because of my broken heart. I never felt that much in my life. To hurt someone that deep… God the hate I feel. Most days I am okay and happy but then the reminder of you makes me sick. I don’t make contact but if I did it would be stay the fuck out of my life. I just wanted you to know that this survivor takes it one day at a time.

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    1. I identify a lot with your words Jessica at the point I am at too. I used to think I was on a slow path to dying of a broken heart. Don’t feel bad about breaking up with people you tried to date. It’s just not the right time yet. What is happening behind the scenes is you are developing healthy boundaries and becoming more emotionally self sufficient. That’s how I look at for me anyways.

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      1. I agree with you about developing healthy boundaries and becoming more emotionally self sufficient, Clarece.
        I’m not even remotely interested in dating. I know to never say never but I can’t even imagine attempting to have a relationship again at this point in my life. I’m perfectly happy being myself and doing what I want to do. It’s liberating.

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      2. With the exception of going on a few dinner dates with an old college friend in 2016, I haven’t been on a date in four years. Uber excitement now is if I match with someone on Bumble and just get that thrill someone thinks I’m still cute, and I never initiate the first text. I just kind of go about my day. Lol
        And for those who say, MLA try, give it a whirl, on the rare occasion I do send a text, I barely get back a “Hey” or they don’t respond and it’s like pulling teeth trying to converse.

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      3. Problem is after narcs Eric Exciting and Fred Fantastic, it seems all that is left is Notquite Normal (hes french lol) and Dougie Dullard.

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      4. Lolll Narc Angel! Exactly! Then I run into Notquite Normal and Dougie Dullard become stalkers because they think MLA is a Minx with what I became conditioned to bring to the table… Yeah, I’m taking a timeout on the bench and watch all the craziness from the sidelines.

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      5. Mm.. Same here. I’m not into dating at all yet, but I do want someone special for myself in the future; I just don’t know how to go about it? I’ve realised that those relationships I’ve had before the narc were to me mostly places where I tried to reenact my childhood drama and in the end left because they were to normal and there was no space for me to struggle and suffer which has been my thwarted view on what love is for all my life. Then I met my narc, I was finally allowed access to what I horribly longed for, and now I’m forced to meet myself instead. And then what? How do you make normal exciting? Or how do I attune myself to wanting normal? It might sound strange. It does to me. But I’m just not there yet.

        How do you go about it?

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      6. I’m not going about it. Lol I’m avoiding. I now view relationships as just a means for someone to play power and control games. No sense dipping my toe in that messy pool.
        But as I told SuperXena I live in a smaller area and a college town, so candidates are scarce anyways. Lol

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      7. I’m not into dating either…
        My children require more of my time and attention right now ( especially my older son ) , I have few things planned which will keep me busy in the nearest future plus I definitely need more time for self improvement.
        Those are my priorities and I don’t want anything to distract me or slow me down.

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      8. Hello Clarece!
        ” But as I told SuperXena I live in a smaller area and a college town, so candidates are scarce anyways. Lol”

        Yes, I remember your description about how the situation is around you. It still makes me laugh when I read it.
        We must absolutely find a way for you to broaden out your territory!

        You know how to swim now ( if you understand what I mean) so you can dip into the water and just test it!
        Besides , now you have as well a robust shark-proof cage ,
        a shark detector, anti-shark cream, anti-shark wetsuit suit( do those things really exist by the way?) etc…You are well equipped now so:
        how about just testing the water…just testing, testing is good…testing new waters, testing new territory…
        Best wishes

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      9. I agree with doing some soul searching and self improvement right now. If there’s any one moment in life when it’s time for those kind of inner processes it’s after an entanglement with a narcissist/psychopath I guess. It’ll take some time and the good thing about not being in a relationship is that you can learn to be in a relationship with yourself instead. Still, the day will come eventually when I will want to date again and I’m almost scared of it right now. I have huge trust issues and even setting up a dating profile would make me vulnerable. Ugh!

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    2. Jessica, I have just read your comment and thought to write something for you. I was feeling like you and to be angry is normal, and your anger is healthy as it is an energy that will help you to transform yourself and your life in better. But you also need to let it go and later, release that anger. If you can see that experience with your narc as a blessing that has opened your eyes, showed a different kind of human being and helped you to work on your past trauma, I am sure your anger will drop slowly. What I am saying is… Focus on the silver lining, because there is. And focus on yourself.

      One day that experience will not be a big deal for you anymore, but a momentous teaching. You will be able to walk around the world and recognize these people and you will feel compassion instead of anger. You will be able to see their weakness but you will not hurt them as you will see them like 3 years old children looking for appreciation and attention, even in their elite version. They will not be able to hurt you as well, as their words come from a script and are not personal. You will not need to stay away from them as they will spontaneusly not be attracted to you. I promise you, one day you will feel so strong and will think about this experience as a blessing.

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    1. I learned about it from HG during a consultation. I don’t remember reading about it in any of his books either.

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  3. Hi, I am really having a hard time understanding the Narcissist gaining fuel from us would this be like taking our energy ? HG could you elaborate or maybe explain more fully in a blog. Thank you.

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  4. Khaleesi, thank you for sharing your experiences. I find the part about you being worried all the time during the relationship that you would lose him only for the tables to be turned now soothing somehow. I know that feeling; I always thought each and every argument would be our last; I was so scared of losing him that my fear became completely irrational in the end even though I guess it was a real threat; a red flag if any; you shouldn’t ever have that minimal trust in the person you give yourself to in love. If you can’t be safe being yourself what’s the point? I’m turning the tables on mine too now; I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. He did enough harm to last a long time and I long for freedom now. And the beautiful part of it is that the freedom is within in reach for all of us. It just takes hard work. You’re a good example of that.

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  5. Fuel obsessed…yes, I’m living that particular nightmare right now. Great letter, Khaleesi. I’m happy for you – you worked your way through and are resolute in what needs to be done. It’s obvious that your ability to apply logic + your innate emotional nature all works to your advantage. You sound clear and strong. Excellent!

    I can relate to several aspects in your letter. Reading it has helped me…in particular, your second paragraph. Guilt is my Achilles’ heel. The narcissist on my tail emotes that I’m always trouncing his heart into the ground (and made a strikingly similar comment about my being too logical/”too safe”)…I’ve also had that same guilty feeling over breaking a promise to “always be there for him” (before I knew he was a narcissist). That’s unnecessarily weighed on me. So reading your forgiveness to yourself spoke to my own soul. The TRUTH is that I won’t give a narcissist what he wants, and he’s trying his best to manipulate + overwhelm/overpower me.

    Thank you for being so open in sharing how the narcissist used you and how you found clarity and strength to get away. It helps me toughen up in my current battle.

    Inspiring.

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    1. Thank you Caroline. It definitely wasn’t overnight and there were many ups and downs. HG can attest to that. I reached out to him for help more times than I can count. I’m rooting for you.

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      1. Thank you, Khaleesi ~ so sweet!

        At some point, a bunch of empaths may need to drag me into HG’s office. ;-)…In all seriousness, depending on how this moves along, I may need his counsel also. Right now, I’m just hunkered down. It’s controlled chaos (I’m controlled – he’s chaos).

        Thanks again, Khaleesi.:-)

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  6. Khaleesi, Awesome letter! Good for you!

    HG,

    Fuel obsession is most common with which school/cadre of narcissist?

    I’m thinking that this happens predominantly during the first escape Grand Hoover stage?

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  7. Congratulations, the blinders are off. Enjoy your happiness. Hell, enjoy everything. You are free. All the best

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