Tirade

 

TIRADE1

 

“You’ve done what? I cannot believe it. What on earth possessed you to do that? Are you mad? Are you completely unhinged woman? Sweet Jesus I don’t believe what you just said to me. How many times have we been over this before? Countless times. Hell, I said it only yesterday didn’t I? I cannot believe you would be so stupid as to do something like this, it just beggars belief. You know I am starting to think that you do this on purpose don’t you? It’s no good shaking your head and staring at me like that, do you think I will feel sorry for you if you give me those eyes? Do you? I said DO YOU? Yes, you may as well shake your head again, it’s about as much as someone of your idiocy can do. I swear I am living with an epsilon semi-moron, have you always been this fucking dumb? I guess you have. It was such a simple thing to do, straight forward, a child could do it, but no not you, you had to go and be clever and go and royally fuck it up. You absolute idiot. You have ruined everything now; you do realise that don’t you? I mean it is completely ruined and how about that for a fantastic start eh? Yes, I am being sarcastic, I suppose I have to explain that to someone as brain dead as you. Jesus, why on earth have I been saddled with you. Don’t you fucking dare speak when I am speaking, you’ve done enough damage as it is, you will shut the fuck up and listen to me when I am setting you straight. I have pointed out to you so many bloody times what you should do and you assured me, you stood there and assured me that you knew what you were doing. That was a lie. I SAID SHUT UP AND DON’T INTERRUPT ME! I swear you want me to hit you don’t you? That’s what you are trying to do. Oh I know you alright, you think you are so damn clever but I have you worked out. I know what you are up to. That’s right, wind me up, get it wrong, disappoint and frustrate me and then you want me to explode and land myself in some hot water. Well it isn’t going to work with me. I am not stupid. I am not you, you know. I know what I am doing. I am the one that keep this place together, you would do well to remember that when you are busy ruining everything with your mind-blowing and monumental incompetence. It is breath taking. It truly is. I told you what to do. I told you once, I told you a hundred times and you said to me and I can specifically remember what you said, you said ‘don’t worry, I can be trusted to get it right’. Yes, that is what you said. It is no point looking like that, don’t pull that face with me, don’t you fucking dare, I am sick of you not showing me enough respect around here. I work my backside off to keep things afloat, not that you give me any credit for it though. Oh no, you are too busy taking the piss, fucking things up and spoiling it for everyone and especially for me. I don’t know what I am going to do now. I mean, you’ve just, I, I am almost lost for words. You see, not only have you cocked it right up but you have lied to me as well. I don’t know which is worse, but that’s you all over isn’t it. The liar, the deceiver, you flatter to deceive. Don’t think I don’t know what you get up to. I have my eye on you, yes, you would do well to look worried, I know all about you. What are you looking over there for? Look at me when I am talking to you. Look. At. Me. Oh here we go, the waterworks. If you have messed up and you are being corrected start crying and it will be all okay again. Well it won’t will it? It won’t be okay after what you have done. It won’t be fine. It won’t be good or great or fine and dandy. You have messed it up. I knew this would happen. I knew I shouldn’t have left it to you, but do you know what, I thought to myself, no, give her a chance, let her prove she can do it, let he demonstrate that she can be trusted to get it right, I mean, after all, that is what a relationship is all about isn’t it? Trust. Without trust there is nothing. Do you see what you have done? Do you? Do you really understand the impact of what you have done? Somehow I doubt it, that is why I am having to do this. Do you think I like shouting at you? What’s that? Were you going to nod then? Why you ungrateful and nasty bitch, you have some cheek to accuse me of enjoying this when I am the one who has to put up with the consequence of your outrageous incompetence. I am the one who is put out. I am the one who has to suffer. You will just walk away muttering about having understood, how you have learned your lesson and you won’t do it again but I may as well be speaking in Mandarin for all of the notice that you take. I told you to stop crying. If you don’t stop crying, I am going to seriously lose it with you. Christ, what am I going to do? You’ve messed it up and ruined it for me. You don’t care, you don’t. If you did care you wouldn’t keep doing this would you. You wouldn’t keep making these mistakes and winding me up. You are trying to send me to an early grave aren’t you so you can have all this to yourself aren’t you? Got some fancy man on the side have we? I bet that’s what this is all about isn’t it? Ruin me through your incompetence and then waltz off into the sunset with some Johnny Come Lately after I croak it, sent to an early grave by your scheming. You’d love that wouldn’t you, to see me off. You nasty cow, no wonder nobody likes you, no wonder nobody asks you out. Oh yes, we never get invited anywhere these days because of you and your behaviour and is it any wonder. You are a walking disaster area. I mean people put up with you, they did it for my sake, I have good friends like that, or should I say I had good friends like that but thanks to you they are disappearing like rats on a sinking ship. You won’t be happy will you until you have completely ruined everything for me will you. That’s what you want. You want me on my knees, gasping for breath, miserable and wretched as you cavort and carry on with some other mug that you have seduced and promised the world to. I can’t believe I fell for it, but then I guess you keep the real you hidden don’t you, tucked away until you have your feet under the table, your name on the deeds and the joint Amex account. Well you are not that clever because you won’t beat me. I am cleverer than you. I am going to make you pay for what you have done. I am the one who is in charge here, this is my house and you do what I say. I am going to unleash hell against you after this catastrophe, it is an outrage, a complete outrage. I pity our neighbours having to put up with this, but you make me do it, it is all about you. I am not fooled by the frightened looks and the tears, other people might be taken in by it, but I am not. I know it is all for show. You disgust me, you scheming, manipulative, hateful cow. I curse the day I met you. Now look, you’ve made me late, thanks a bunch, that’s all I need. I’m going and don’t think I’ve finished; this is far from over.”

Silence.

“I thought you would prefer raspberry jam to marmalade,” you say softly to nobody in particular.

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18 thoughts on “Tirade”

  1. HG,
    Is desire for returning someone in golden period possible after this words? how you can think that you will achieve that?

    1. Do you mean would the narcissist want to take the victim back to the golden period after a tirade? If so, yes the narcissist would do that.
      It is achieved by giving the victim the golden period again – being loving, kind, charming, pleasant etc.

  2. Yes, how very exhausting. When I think of all the stress I felt, all the times I was left hurting so badly in the midst of a silent treatment, a tirade, an accusation that provoked dramatic behaviour from me; when I think of all the uncertainty and all the unpredictability; the constant struggle and the constant inner voice in me that tried to justify how he treated me, the nagging doubt and the loss of my own personality in the end; when I think of all this I feel such relief to be rid of him. No wonder survivors of abuse suffer from PTSD. Our whole reality is turned upside down. It requires an enormous effort to cope with the aftermath of it and to learn to stand tall again. It’s despicable behaviour towards another human being.

    1. Spoken like a true survivor… raw, honest and as accurate as an empath’s guess… because we know that’s much more accurate than a narcissist’s certainty.
      (HG’s words of wisdom excluded, of course.)

      Well said again, Miss Catherine.

      1. Thank you Miss BurntKrispyKeen! At least it’s a good feeling to slowly emerge from the turmoil as a survivor. We all are.

    2. Well said Catherine. Everything you say is very true. It’s an awful experience and yes, it is despicable behaviour towards another human being. It should be regarded as criminally abusive.

      It angers me that empaths are urged to be more “logical”, or to learn to be immune emotionally to the abuse, or to stifle their natural tendencies as though their traits are “sins”.

      It’s the narcissists who lie, deceive, gaslight, and feel entitled to abuse others to the point of mental breakdown. They are the ones who need to learn to behave better. They are the tyrants who wreak havoc and make life a constant struggle for those around them. They are the ones who are lacking.

      1. I agree with you WiserNow. It’s incredibly unfair that we as empaths first have to go through all that mind blowing abuse, be left with all the pieces of ourselves to pick up and then even have to learn to change our way of thinking and acting to survive it all.

        I’m struggling most of the time with emptiness now; I sometimes feel like I’ve become him and that’s scary. I’m not my usual easygoing self; I’m suspicious, I look for ulterior motives and hidden agendas everywhere and I feel like I’ve lost my innocence and my joy. I’m sure it’s a phase though. It’ll pass. The qualities we have and which we’re targeted for are not qualities to be ashamed of. Innocence, honesty, sincerity, empathy, emotionality, kindness, a belief in love and in justice and the kind of self reflective behaviour I’ve noticed here that we all share, these are beautiful and life sustaining qualities to be celebrated! I agree with you; so unfair!

  3. After an event like this… not even a twinge of guilt? A tiny feeling of I might have overdone it… just a bit? A nibble of regret?

    There’s gotta be something?

  4. HG,

    I especially liked the part that reads, “You want me on my knees, gasping for breath, miserable and wretched…” Yes. Yes, I do.

    Very funny! Love it!

  5. Was that the ranting and raving of a midrange? Some of the words and sentences seem to be of someone too well read for a lesser and too brash and menial for a greater. Good thing it wasn’t peanut butter, would have been accused of trying to kill them due to a non existing allergy! Cant picture a lesser using the word epsilon but yes on using cleverer.

    1. The nature of the tirade, namely it is incessant and furious is applicable to any of the schools, so that overarching factor of this piece is relevant to all. The precise words used here would belong to Mid Range.

      1. Hi HG,

        Very informative post, as always.

        I have mainly dealt with the Lesser or Mid-range category (or should it be ‘categories’?) and I have noticed that the Mid-range tends to go on and on and on when complaining or gossiping – which seems to be one of his/her favourite activities.

        Could you confirm that?

        Also, I wish you had an emergency line (1-800-ASK HG) where we could contact you.

        Some kind of Bat phone 🙂

        But then you would never be left alone.

        And people would likely develop an addiction (not that it hasn’t happened before…).

        “Hi, I’m EmP and I’m an HGholic”.

        I also have another question, if I may.

        Would it be possible to be friends with a narcissist without having to provide negative fuel and residual benefits and only provide positive fuel and character traits?

        Thank you very much for your time.

        EmP

  6. …and after all of this words, I just turned and go away, he said “Ok” and ” I love you” …than he retured to his IPPS and we went No contact.
    Do you want me to say that he will return with hoover after period of time after this? Trying to get back golden period? What can I expect to hear from him after all of this sh@t?

  7. One of the things im most thankful for thru my journey with narcissism is its made me want to embrace and to help others more. Narcissism is so focused one one person and so self centered that its made me realise were here for each other. I want to give and to take myself away from just my issues and think of other people.
    Ive learned some valuable lessons in relation to boundaries and self love but ive also gained a need to think of others and give of myself.
    Being focused only on yourself is so meaningless and missing the boat in life.
    It really is a personality disorder that is chaotic and void of why were here.
    When youre in the midst of it these tirade moments csn drag you down into craziness. Thats why its so important to get away and see more clearly.

    1. Narc Affair, you share some great points on how something positive can arise from this disorder. I know when I’m hurting, especially when I’m in the midst of turmoil, I can become very self-absorbed. But your post reminds me of the importance of striving for more growth and insight… and like Narc Angel said on another comment, seeing others move on from their own tragedies is quite rewarding.

      For anyone who’s still struggling, it’s comforting to see how we are all at varying stages of healing, that you are not alone no matter the stage. That’s beneficial for someone like me who bounces all over the place. And for those of us who are early in the process, we can see that you survivors have managed to retain your wit and humor.

      Because after something like this… if you’re not sitting in a corner, drooling, rocking back and forth to the tune of “I Will Survive” … you’re doing fantastic, really.

    1. I know, Narc Affair… If I get to thinking about going back, I’m just going to re-read this. How exhausting!

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