Why Haven’t I Heard From the Narcissist?




The infamous hoover is widely-used and once people learn to recognise the various hoovers that we deploy they can often be seen coming thick and fast following your escape from us or if you have been discarded.  Every so often however some people point out that they have not have been hoovered. The narcissist in their life just vanished and the victim only realised after the event that they had been callously discarded. The victim has heard nothing from the narcissist ever since and cannot even locate him or her. It is rarer, but it might even happen when you escape our clutches, instigate no contact as best you can but you expect a hoover to happen because he knows where you live or she works near to where you work. Surely that hoover will be coming? Usually it does. Usually there is the initial grand hoover which is a forceful and frenetic attempt to win you back, in effect, when you have sought to escape us. If we discarded you, when we decide we want some hoover fuel perhaps as part of a triangulation with the new primary source, we come looking for you pledging a new start and issuing promises to change as part of a benign hoover. Resist that and the malign hoover may make an appearance as you are berated and denigrated in order to punish you and draw negative fuel from you. However, what does it mean if there has been nothing but silence? Is that it? Are you free? Have you beat your narcissist?

When the expected hoover fails to manifest in the days and weeks after escape or discard there are differing reasons as to why this is the case. Those reasons are as follows: –

  1. If you have been discarded and not heard from us, then there is a high chance that we are revelling in the positive fuel from the new target that we selected. This person was courted by us during your devaluation as we tired of your increasingly stale fuel. They were lined-up, seduced and drawn into our web. Their seduction was effected without you being aware and once we were content that this person had been plugged in to us and was pumping out the required fuel we discarded you as we no longer had any use for you. We regarded you as never having existed. You have not heard from us because we have a new toy and we have no need of you. Consider how long your own golden period was with the relevant narcissist. Was it a year, perhaps it was longer? If so, although there is no guarantee that we will afford the same golden period to each person we ensnare, there will be a similarity. This is because we tend to choose similar types of individuals as our victims and therefore the golden period whilst not identical is likely to be of a similar length. Thus, if your golden period was a year, the golden period for your replacement will be of a similar length of time. We are delighted with this person, they are wonderful, our soulmate, you know the drill by now. Since this person is the centre of our universe we have no need to trouble you for, say, at least a year, hence you have not heard from us.
  1. If you discarded us by in effect escaping us and put yourself not beyond total reach but it would be difficult for us to establish contact with you for the purposes of commencing the initial grand hoover against you, then you may not hear from us. This scenario is one whereby you have reduced our spheres of influence and cut off most of the channels of communication. You could be found but the effort required in doing so is beyond the capability of desire of the particular narcissist you were embroiled with. If this person is a lesser or mid-range type of our kind, they are less likely to have the capability to track you down nor the energy to want to do so. The sudden loss of their primary source, because you escaped us,will have them thrown into a panicked state. Your escape is a criticism of us. A massive criticism. This creates a huge wound. This will ignite our fury and we need fuel double quick to cope with this. You cannot be found or reached. We have not had time to put in place a new primary source. In this instance we face a choice. Do we waste energy trying to hoover you when the prospects are slim or do we turn elsewhere for fuel? When dealing with the lesser and mid-range of our kind, the answer will always be that we will turn elsewhere for fuel. This will mean :-
  1. Targeting a new primary source and seducing that person as quickly as possible;
  2. Targeting a new primary source whilst relying on supplementary sources for fuel to keep us “topped up” until such time as the new primary source is attached and providing fuel;
  3. Relying on supplementary sources and withdrawing and stabilising before seeking a new primary source. This scenario causes us to adopt a low profile.

Any of the above permutations means that our focus will be elsewhere and therefore we will appear to have no interest in you.

  1. If you discarded us by escaping and also, as a consequence of your preparedness not only managed to escape effectively but exposed what we are to people who have believed you before we could smear you then you will have caused us massive damage. In such an instance the following would apply:-
  1. We have suffered an immediate cessation of our primary source of fuel and do not have a replacement;
  2. We may well have suffered damage to our supplementary sources who have been shown the truth of what we are;
  3. The wound caused by the criticism caused by your escape AND the exposure to our façade will be huge.

In such circumstances withdrawal would be the only likely option in order to conserve energy (and avoid the risk of continued criticism by engaging with people who now know what we are) to then enable us to find new source of fuel away from what has now become an infected area for us. In a large urban environment this is not such a problem for us, but in a small town or rural community it would necessitate us moving to pastures new.

Accordingly, in this scenario you would not hear from us for some time as we relocate and lick our wounds.

In the second and third scenarios not only is there the fact that we have to spend time finding a new primary source (and thus will not bother with you) but once we have them then we are focused on that person in the golden period and thus the period of time when you do not hear from us may well be extended.

There are three points to bear in mind.

The first is that where you have escaped us the initial grand hoover is more likely to happen than not but if it does not happen, it will be for the reasons detailed above.

The second is that where we have discarded you we often will still hoover you on a malign basis in order to triangulate you with our new primary source. If there is no hoover however then this is because we are engrossed in your replacement and have in effect forgotten about you.

The third point is that you may not have been hoovered for some time but if you appear in our sphere of influence then that hoover will come. It may be months away, maybe even years, but it will come.

Accordingly, when you ask the question, “why haven’t I heard from him?” You really ought to be asking the question,

“Why haven’t I heard from him, yet?”


30 thoughts on “Why Haven’t I Heard From the Narcissist?”

  1. See, death does have a bright side. I do like a bit of Ezekiel 25:17 myself, though i suspect that the creature called dad subsists on bile and fumes alone and isn’t technically ‘a life’.

  2. Dear LisaB,
    I saw my weasels surname in last weekends death section, I was so excited … bugga … it was his brother’s wife instead..
    I was so disappointed, however Mr Bubbles and I celebrated anyway because it was so close …. next time perhaps 😂🍾🥂

    1. Thankyou Perse,
      Please excuse my ignorance, but what does FUH stand for …. I’m positive I’m going to like it 😂
      Thanks gorgeous

      1. Beautiful Bubbles!
        I see HG has answered your question.

        And thanks for calling me gorgeous!
        And for having no ulterior motive for doing so!

  3. What if we’ve moved to a country they’ve never heard of in relation to us (despite trying to thwart us at the airport after we fed them false info) and subsequently sent them poop anonymously, Jehovah’s witnesses, gay phone sex calls from craiglist, local authority complaints for drugs, prostitution, noise, blocked sewerage ect meanwhile we are in paradise and they’re two loser crackheads? What What! Who’s the beeyotch now?

    1. Then based on the narcissist being unable to hoover because he or she does not know where you are and is unable to find out, you are attacking the narcissist’s pillars from distance. Interesting name – you are either a murderer, a porn star or a big fibber!

    2. You sent poop in a package?

      Send him a DVD collection of what he thinks is something he likes but then replace the DVDs with fatty porn where the women’s areolas are the size of dinner plates.

      1. I don’t think that movement includes willing porn stars. Hey, there’s something out there for everyone.

  4. Hi youdon’townme, are you sure we weren’t dating the same man…!!! It sounds just like my story.I went back so many times..The last time was it. Mine said everyone warned you about me or I’m not who you think I am….I know now …he loved to tell me he has been around the block with lots of women ,I was shy never really had much experience. Glad to know it gets better and thanks for encouragement….

    1. I’m so glad I found HG Tudor. I’m not alone. I’m not crazy. Well, a little. Ex would act concerned and say please get therapy cuz he was a master at manipulation and I was always in a state of confusion!
      You gave me encouragement, thank you . . . I told girlfriend last night, “This town isn’t big enough for both of us.” Unfortunately, I saw him at a party last night. I think he may have known I would be there. He has Lieutenants but I can’t figure out who. Soap opera. He bought a new Lamborghini and everyone was going outside to see it. He was fueled up. Fortunately, I was dressed for the Ritz. He saw me go up to the hottest guy there, which I did on purpose becuz I am on edge, right? But I showered this guy with attention, compliments, etc. Blondie, I never use to be like that. I’m submissive and do not like the limelight.l Blondie, will I ever be that girl again or did she die from his abuse??
      I got hoovered last night . . . he must be in between girlfriend(s).
      Men will kiss our ass, but women will save it. We are trauma bond.

  5. To

    HG & my kind support givers,

    I’ve been making some progress with my emotional thinking but today it has been triggered & surged. I also want to contact him, he has not contacted me recently (I know I should be grateful)
    I keep thinking that maybe he isn’t a narcissist (but exhibits all the traits of a MRN) & is committed to his girlfriend/partner but just can’t help himself & enjoys a fling occasionally. She has sooo many character traits & benefits that he loves as well as fuel, so to him that actually is real love he has for her? I can’t see him ever giving her up. I also don’t understand why she stays with him if “devaluation” is apparently such a bad thing. They don’t have children or property etc together.
    How can I apply logic? I want to be rid of these negative, destructive feelings but at the same time want him to myself so badly.
    I need your advice again please


    1. Also, read the article Stepford Devaluation. The MRN I was involved with devalued his wife that way – she was pretty much happy with the status afforded to her as his wife (he has established himself as the kind of the dungpile, i.e. village community) and she has learned to turn a blind eye to his infidelities. He is content with her because she lets him do his own thing and is really quite subservient to him. It has worked well for them for 30 years. Of course he lets her know when she’s done something to wound him by treating her to a present or absent silent treatment, but I suspect she no longer cares that much and is relatively happy with her lot in life.

      Real love? Eh, depends what you understand under love. Staying married for 30 years, but screwing around and vanishing from home for months at a time (especially when his kids were younger) – if that’s real love, they can keep it far away from me.

      1. That should have read “the KING of the dungpile”, the flashiest cock around that everyone goes to for advice, to organise events, etc.

  6. Hope not..l called him out on his crap ages ago well blocked. He is still around the local area where I live as I’ve seen the car parked .He lives 50 mins away .it is awful to have to check everywhere I shop or have coffee but I’m not breaking no contact

    1. I’m in a similar situation, Blondie. I use to be a friendly, kind, happy, fun, TRUSTING person. I called my ex out also. And then he admitted his diagnosis and laughed at me. What took me so long to figure it out he said? Since I had been nurtured and sheltered most my life, I had never met the likes of him! He sneaks up on me but it gets easier and easier to ignore him. I wonder whatever possessed me to get involved with the Devil in the first place. I see him, he has no power. He knows I know who he is . . . Chin up, head held high, right? Karma chameleon.

      1. Bibi may have lost track of this thread, but I’m curious about intimate appliances if it’s not too personal of a question 😉

Vent Your Spleen!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.