The Weapon That Is Infidelity

THE WEAPONTHAT ISINFIDELITY

Infidelity is a given when you are ensnared by one of our kind. We know that it is not pleasant for you to think of us in the arms of another, conjoined in sexual congress as we do things with them that we have done with you and then we return to you. We know that infidelity is something that someone like you abhors. You have a strong moral compass, you behave in an honest and decent fashion and expect us to do the same. That will not happen. You place considerable belief in the question of trust and the concept of monogamy. Our infidelity will manifest in lots of different ways: –

  • Having sexual liaisons with third parties, some of whom will be strangers and others will be prospects who are looking to seduce;
  • Sending and receiving text messages of a sexual content;
  • Describing online what we want to do to someone and they to you;
  • Sexual liaisons with your friends and family members;

Although I know it is scant consolation to you since ultimately it is the breach of trust which causes you the greatest pain, we do not commit acts of infidelity because we want the sex. Admittedly, the physical sensation is enjoyable but that is not the reason we are repeatedly unfaithful. In terms of our attitudes to sex and especially sex with you, read Sex and the Narcissist. For the purposes of this publication it is sufficient to explain that when are unfaithful the sex is not the primary purpose. It is the fact that in your world sex is equated with love, affection and attraction and as a consequence it serves a purpose as a formidable weapon in our hands. We use it to seduce to we can additional fuel from third parties. We use it to seduce a new prospect who will provide us with fuel and will ultimately replace you. Initially we will be covert about our infidelity as we do not wish to damage having you as our primary source and therefore our need to obtain fuel from secondary sources through infidelity will remain covered up. Over time we will continue to use sex with other people as a means of gaining additional fuel but we will also be doing this to seduce your replacement. Eventually when we start our devaluation of you, we will be far less covert concerning our extra-marital affairs and often we will not care if you know or not. Indeed, we may even flaunt a mistress in front of you for the purposes of making you try harder and to provoke you so that you provide us with additional negative fuel.

Infidelity is not about the sex. It is about fuel. It is about control. Being unfaithful to you abuses your trust, it pours scorn on the vows we have taken and makes a mockery of you and what you stand for. It is abusive behaviour and to expect a narcissist to always be faithful is like expecting the tide to stop advancing when you tell it do so. It just will not happen. Infidelity is second nature to us because the weapon that is sex is just too good not to use to gain additional fuel. If there was another device that was so potent we would use it instead. The fact that sex feels enjoyable is just a matter of nerve endings and a pleasant side-effect. For us, sex is all about using it to further our aims; gathering fuel.

We will be unfaithful to you at some point. That is a guarantee. When we are first seducing you, we will be in the process of devaluing someone else leading to his or her discard. We most likely will have withdrawn sex from the victim who we are devaluing and be having sex with you as the new object of our seduction. This does not mean that since you are the apple of our eye we will be faithful to you. We will have intermittent sex with the person who is subjected to the devaluation either as a means of giving them a short golden period again or for the purposes of extracting further fuel by subjecting them to humiliating sexual activities. We will also be courting other prospects also as well as you and therefore there is a strong likelihood we will be bedding that person also. We will, when seducing you, maintain an image of fidelity since that is what you expect. If you are conducting an affair with us, we will assure you that our current partner (whom we are devaluing) never has sex with us, we sleep in separate beds and so on. We will bemoan the fact they never have sex with us in order to draw sympathy from you as the new prospect.

By contrast, we will triangulate you as the new prospect with our current partner. We will drop heavy hints that we are being unfaithful or even actively admit it in order to further the hurt. Our rationale behind this is that monogamy is for the little people and this does not include us. That would make us less special and we cannot have that. We are entitled to seek sex outside of a relationship because this is our inalienable right to enable us to obtain fuel. We feel no guilt in doing this, we do not respect any vows we may have given to remain faithful to you and we have no qualms about coupling with someone else. The reason for this is that we have to do it and in a perverse way, the only reflection on you is that you are not giving us the fuel we need. It is not a reaction to what you look like, what you do, who your friends are or what your interests might happen to be. We will of course use them, as a method of lashing out at you should you try and question us about our infidelity because as I have explained in Manipulated we will deploy blame shifting frequently when we are under attack. It is often the case that when a partner learns of the infidelity of their partner that they will scrutinise their own conduct.

“Is it something I have done?”

This means that you will examine your own behaviour and try to improve in some way because you will want to salvage our relationship. The fact of your addiction means you do not want to let us go. You will be mightily hurt and offended by our infidelity but you will try to find some way of fixing it because that is what you like to do. If our infidelity shows any risk of causing you to depart, we will hastily reinstate the golden period, as a Preventative Hoover, if you will, to stop you departing from us. Most of the time however, because of the way you are, you blame yourselves (often because we warp your way of thinking to do this) and you try to patch things over. Your need to resolve matters results in you clinging to us notwithstanding our fidelity. Indeed, in some instances you want to prove that you are better than the person we committed our infidelity with. You want to fight to retain us and ensure that our relationship triumphs.

We will also use infidelity as a means by which to control you and make you do what we want: –

“If you gave me more attention I would not go elsewhere.”

“If you put out more often I would not have to get it from someone else.”

“Perhaps if you hadn’t let yourself slide I wouldn’t stray would I?”

“If you thought more about me rather than yourself perhaps it would not have happened?”

“I won’t leave you, I should, but I will stay but some things are going to have to change.”

You are the victim. We have committed the transgression but other than when we fear you might leave us and sever our supply of fuel, we will not apologise but pin the blame on you. You will have been subjected to a succession of manipulation wiles in order to browbeat you and lower your resistance so that when we unveil our infidelity we use it as a method of getting what we want from you, namely more fuel and more control.

Infidelity is bad enough in the context of a “normal” relationship. With our kind it will always happen, it will always happen with many people and will do so repeatedly. It is a further black flag of abusive behaviour.

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54 thoughts on “The Weapon That Is Infidelity”

  1. HG, why do you hoover someone who is painted black? I’m so very black right now, yet he hoovered me last night. He’s recently engaged and I have not seen nor heard from him in 6 months, ironically on the same trail I saw him on last night. Definitely intentional. He knows where and what time I run. He didn’t look at me as he passed, looked straight ahead just as he did 6 months ago. Wish I would have seen him sooner and I’d have shouted “BOO!”

    1. From the instance described it is possible it was not intentional and was coincidental, although as you believe it is more likely that it was intentional. It is done to gain fuel albeit he will have only gained Thought Fuel from what you have described. More usually when someone is painted black and they are hoovered it is a malign hoover and is done to gain a greater amount of fuel and may also be done to “warn off” the victim. Thus in some instances if there is a malice campaign, the narcissist will repeatedly hoover when the victim is painted black to gain fuel. If there is not a malice campaign, hoovering when you are painted black will draw fuel but is primarily being done to warn you off, namely the narcissist is concerned you may be about to interfere in his new golden period with a new IPPS and therefore is sending a shot across your bows.

  2. You know what is nuts!? I write that today and a couple hours ago the narc rides by me on his bike where I run. I have not seen nor heard from him in 6 months and there he was, just a few hours after I wrote all that. Coincidence? Hahaha. P.S. I felt nothing. It was amazing. Had I known it was him earlier I’d have flipped him off though.

  3. Why is my comment still awaiting moderation? And the others one are approved. I am not and English speaker and it was hard for me to explain my situation. And I it would have been very helpful for me to have some feedback about it. Well. Nevermind!!!! 🙁

    1. Girl, you are

      taking this WAYYY Too Personal..EVERY Conment I make is “WAITING Moderation, Yet it Still Posts, So people STILL hear what U gotta say👂! Dont think HG means,Any disrespect

  4. I haven’t been on here in forever. I feel pretty recovered actually, but I think of the things I learned here often. I did find out a couple weeks ago that he got engaged to the woman he cheated on me with. It definitely was a curve ball and it took me about a week to get over that. I believe I thought seeing them crumble would make me feel redeemed as I tried to warn her. After chatting with one of his old affairs from his marriage who has become my friend, she was quick to remind me that this woman serves his purpose. She IS more suitable than me solely because she has no self worth and lets him control her and do as he please. She isn’t better than I, rather more clueless (I figured him out and he quickly replaced me, discarded me and smeared me). He must marry a very meek, wholesome woman (like his ex wife) to look legit while he carries on his secret life. He must recreate the illusion he had before of being a family man and a good husband, while he emotionally abuses his wife in secret.
    Reading this made me realize he isn’t going to stop cheating just because he is marrying someone. Oh no. It will actually make the cheating all the more exciting. He wouldn’t marry her unless he KNEW he could get away with. I don’t feel sorry for her anymore. She’s been warned by so many. She is making this choice. I may have made the same one had I not followed my gut.
    Ladies and Gents, life gets better after the Narc. I promise you and I’m only a year out. I committed to a year of no dating because I knew I’d just choose another narcissist if I dated soon after. I’m nearing the year mark. I’m interested in a man who I’m 99% sure is a normal. I would have never been attracted to him before.
    Healing can happen and empaths, you can become strong, badass people who are not taken advantage of!! Read up, be equipped, get counseling and healing and I promise your life will change!!!

    1. Ajo, from personal experience I can assure you too that he will never stop cheating. Getting married doesn’t stop them-mine was flirting with me only days before the wedding and started again two days after the ceremony. He kept trying to bring me back for about a year. In the meantime, he was frantically chacing others as well. I definitely know of two cases, but there are more, I am sure. There was a point in our “relationship”that he was chacing and having affairs, sex etc with at least 15 women. These are the ones I know of for sure. Because later, another ex girlfriend who had gained access to his messenger, told me there were about a 100 (!) during that period. Beautiful, ugly, old, young, rich, poor, married, single, all kinds of women (some men too, I strongly suspect). As HG says, it is all about control. A 100% so. I wish you the best with the new man you are interested in.

    2. ajo, how wonderful!

      I definitely agree on the no dating for a while… I’ve been on my own for 6 months now and it has been the best 6 months in forever – for the first time in my life it’s all about me. Here’s to another happy, single, “I don’t give a rat’s ass about sex/love/relationships” year for me!

    3. Ajo, you give me hope!! Today marks my 50th day NC. I have quite a while to get to a year like yourself but with HG’s help, I’ll get there. I’ve done well so far.
      I, too wil not date for a while. I’m fearful of dating a Narc again. I don’t trust myself yet. That’s a sad place to be but it’s better than being a perpetual victim.
      Cheers to the both of us. Narc free! 🥂

    4. feel sorry for her. You wouldn’t have heeded any warning either. No one does. Why would she ? He’s likely being great to her. The crazy doesn’t start till after you say I do.

      No one deserves their shit except another PD

    5. Mine Narc ex wife used this tool against me. I had to escape from death bed and went on no contact. Well recently been across net about Narc which I was unaware at all. Am new in this country and this has happening with me since last 5 years of married life. I was so badly abused lied, manipulated, cheated and financially threaten to empty pocket.

  5. I know a narcisisst that has been in a relationship with a woman for about 6 years, and he has been unfaithful. I know this because he seduced my online, and first he told me that her girlfriend was his sister, then his cousin, then his best friend, then that he didn´t love her, they were only friends.He told me he was so in love with me, that I was the one, the best, and blah blah. But the reality was they had been together for 6 years. Till today. He managed to confuse me smartly, and of course I am naive, I trusted him, then I discovered all his lies.. He tried to hoover me 4 times, then I told him he was pathetic and to leave me alone, and that with just one click I could discover all his lies and ruin his life.

    Although this, they are still together and look so very happy and she is so in love. She doesn´t suspect anything, not only about what happened between his boyfriend and me, but with other women also… Will the stay together for ever? Sometimes I think so. When will she discover the kind of monster his boyfriend is?

    1. They may stay together for a long time if there is no disengagement trigger and she does not escape. It is more likely the relationship will end than continue, but she people do have lengthy relationships with a narcissist, not because it is a good relationship (for the victim anyway) but because there is no disengagement trigger and the victim does not try to escape (or is prevented from doing so).

      She will experience devaluation. Whether she realises what this means is an entirely different matter.

  6. It abuses your trust – very true. And he doesn’t have to cheat physically, it can be just stupid online flirting when you see that girls are responsive, he provokes them showing you that he could have them. And you obsess, you strugle “will he date them? What if they sent him a message? Would he respond? Why he provokes them if he is with me? Who am I to him? Do they know he has a girlfriend?”

    So being with a narcissist is a constant nail biting. So abusive for normal, trustworthy, honest empaths.

  7. HG, I’m not familiar with all ur books and articles. However, I have aspirations that by the end of the year, I will have a Tudor PhD in NPD.
    Question: have you written anything about make up sex? My ex and I would debate and argue all day and then have make up sex. It was a crazy pattern. I don’t understand it.

    1. Damn, I should have come up with the title Tudor PhD in NPD previously! Claps to you, mate!

  8. Ok so obviously I have been cheated on but am unaware – he (from what I can gather, thanks to HG) fits into the mid range category – not much of a social life, BUT has worked away for work on occasions with construction. Swears black and blue would never do such a thing, blah, blah, blah. Just another layer to come to grips with I suppose. I wanted to believe he would of kept it in his pants but all signs after reading this one points to No and I know for a fact his work mates cheat on their wives, as he would tell me, obviously to redirect the attention off him….to make them look bad? Gah the lies are never ending.

  9. HG, you stated on another entry that you were faithful to your wife (but I don’t know to which one).

    ???

      1. So just to be clear, Sir Hg, you did not cheat for 2.5yrs? Not even dirty/flirty online texts? (or was this pre-online?, in which case, make that dirty/flirty – with anyone else?)

      2. Thank you HG.
        One more question if I may…
        Can the golden period last for years or is it only for a few months in the beginning?

        My Narc was pretty “well-behaved” for 5-yrs but the *exact* day I moved in with him, it all went to hell. True & heinous hell.

      3. Depends on the relevant role of the appliance in the fuel matrix.

      4. HG,

        Since i have seen an example of stepford devaluation irl, and the wife is very happy, is this something you would consider? I mean, husband gets home cooked meals, kids taken care of, home kept perfectly,etc. She thinks the world of him. She is always talking about him, how he is a good husband, a good dad, the advice he gives. I guess for him, he would have to spend alot of energy maintaining a nice facade at home, which could get tiring i assume. I’m trying to think like a narc lol.

      5. What do you mean, would I apply a Stepford Devaluation? If it was the best way of getting what I require, naturally.

      6. Hi hg,

        I mean would you consider stepford deval as a life for yourself? The way i see it now, i was never loved, as i am surrounded by narcs and normals. So, if it were me, i would like to be a stepford wife, not due to the financial aspect, but due to the fact that the narc is always nice to the wife. I realize i was always loved for superficial reasons anyways, so why not be loved for superficial reasons and be treated well in the process? As long as i NEVER find out he is cheating, i will be happy. Then you can get married and settle down. But, to get your negative fuel, you would have to be out most of the time, which may not be convenient for you, and for positive fuel, you would have to be kind ALL THE TIME to the wife. Obviously, the thought of a husband cheating is not something i like, but these days i truly do not believe in love. The narc cannot love. The codependent has a warped version of love. It is a needy and selfish, dependent love. If it were not needy and selfish, she would let the narc go if that’s what makes him happy. But she does not. She tries hard to hang on. Why? Because SHE wants ‘him’, wants ‘love’, wants ‘his love.’ Want want want. Actually this is nothing more than self gratification. True love is not like this. True love is caring, compassion, empathy, forgiving, honesty, and letting go if need be. If both partners share this view, great! But if one is disordered due to npd and the other becomes disordered (panic or anxiety disorder) due to narc treatment and thus behaves needy, then neither love is true love. So, why not just have fake love in an extreme circumstance such as this one where i care for you, so i want you to be happy, but i want what’s best for your wife too. So, a stepford deval where narc treats wife well, looks like a good scenario for you, in my opinion! Obviously, my first choice would be for you to change your ways. But please don’t ever let her find out your cheating. You’ll have to be very careful but i know you are good at that. My friend, a stepford wife, has no clue her husband cheats. Though i strongly suspect it, simply because of what i learn here, she never will suspect it. She is so happy with her life and her husband. She can’t stop talking nicely about him and she has been married for over ten years! I would not suggest this to any other narc. Other narcs are not worth my energy. They may all go to hell please. I am only suggesting this to you because I care about you. You an exception in that you are a helpful narc, helping not just those in your personal life who will benefit you as other narcs do, but you are helping on a MASS scale. You are SAVING LIVES by introspecting deeply which requires energy, time, patience, and the ability to face your demons. So, what do you think? Wanna get married?!
        (Obviously not to me lol, if anyone is confused, as hg would never choose me anyways as i do not satisfy all the traits as outlined in ‘sitting target’)

      7. As I stated Jenna, if I regarded as the most appropriate way forward in a given situation, then I would do so.

      8. “… in a given situation… ”

        So, do you think a given situation may arise within a year or two? Are we all invited to your wedding?! Please don’t say no, as you are such a factual person. Please give me a glimmer of hope that we may be invited. How about I pay for my own seat? 😄

      9. It might. It might not.

        You do not charge people to come to your wedding!

      10. Ooh this excites me! Even though you don’t charge pple, if all of us come, and it will be at least $65 per head minimum (in my area that is the price), but more likely greater than that, then it can get costly. And let’s be real here, you don’t really want me there. But I want to be there. Hence, I wish to pay for my own seat 😀

      11. Hello Jenna

        Interesting concept there.

        Sometimes the wife knows, yet shows no outward sign

      12. Hi Twilight!

        I expected to be scorned by all for my suggestion but I still wanted to get it out there 😄

        While I have your attention, I would like to apologize for making you sad in the past. After my discard (ok disengagement), I have introspected so much. The narc had changed me. I had become overly sensitive to things, which manifested itself on the blog. I realized it only after my discard (fine hg, disengagement!). I am well on my way towards my former self and I look forward to further interaction with you twilight!

      13. Hi Jenna

        You have nothing to be sorry for, you felt the way you did and I let it affect me. I know better, sometimes I get overwhelmed here. I am sorry for what I said to you.

        I am happy to see your back and healing.

      14. Hi twilight,

        You need not feel sorry at all. Just as i felt as i did, so did you!

        Thank you for your kind words twilight💕

        I have realized something regarding narcissism through all of this but i will post it in the poll. Hope to see you over there!

      15. HG wouldn’t you say that generally speaking that they really can’t hold it together more than a year in the vast majority of cases with 6 months being a round average golden period? Of course there are always exceptions but more often than not I find most people start seeing cracks at 6 months

  10. “If you are conducting an affair with us, we will assure you that our current partner (whom we are devaluing) never has sex with us, we sleep in separate beds and so on. We will bemoan the fact they never have sex with us in order to draw sympathy from you as the new prospect.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I heard that excuse for almost 2 years and guess what? Today I learn that the “IPPS” is pregnant. Hmmmm. Interesting indeed.

    Every day is Narc opposite day!

    1. Hi Challenge -WOW Pregnant IPPS? How are you feeling? Does the news influence your decision going/not going to the concert? I hope the news bring about a new resolution: to be pregnant with the decision to implement NC. And then give birth to it.

      1. Challenge Fuel: That sucks. I’m so sorry. Hearing that is a kick in the gut. I like Narseeker’s idea about giving birth to No Contact. It’s not easy to do, but you deserve so much better.

    2. Gabs,
      Every word of their’s is a lie.

      Hard to let go and get out, I know. What is it do you think for you that makes it hard to do so?

    3. Challenge Fuel, my best wishes to you and hope you can feel ok soon.

      My guess on the next chapter of the tragic novel you’re sharing? Narc will say IPPS cheated on him and he’s not even sure whom she is pregnant of.

      1. Or it was just the one time, bcuz he felt sorry for her. And …amazingly! She got pregnant from one time!!! He didn’t even enjoy it, he barely came, or not at all, must have been narc potent pre-cum.

    4. You do realize that this very well may be a lie? In fact, there is a high probability. Lying is like breathing for these assholes. I don’t offer this as comfort but as fact as to what a manipulative deceitful person he is. You are likely not the only ipss he’s just feels like hurting YOU today.

      My first Narc used the “I’m engaged” crap what a load of shit. He is middle aged and never married. You cannot believe anything they tell. Sometimes it will be the truth but more often it’s a lie

    5. Challenge Fuel,

      I know nothing I say can ease the pain and confusion you might be feeling at this news. Something quite similar happened to me a decade ago. Unfortunately, I did not know about narcs at the time, but I’m not sure if having HG’s works and this site would have even lessened the gut-wrenching grief I experienced then. All I can offer is my prayers for your peace. I am praying many things for you Challenge Fuel. I know the pain, and it is real.

      DUTG

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