To Have Not To Hold


How many times have you declared that you have had enough? How many times have you vowed that you are no longer putting up with this behaviour and making a fresh start? How often have you put in place steps to depart and leave this confusing and twisted reality behind? We hear these assertive comments from time to time. We have subjected you to a sustained devaluation, provoked so many heightened emotional responses from you which has given us fuel. At times you did not know whether you were coming or going, your head swam and that dull ache in the centre of your forehead never seemed to diminish. You wondered who you could trust as you fought to establish what you believed was right against a backdrop of contradictions. From somewhere you mustered some strength, a bolt of fortitude sprang from the maelstrom and in that moment of clarity you knew it was time to go. This situation is not right surely? Nobody should be treated in this manner. Yes, it was the moment to depart.

Of course you could not do so without your parting speech. It was not borne out of spite or venom. Those are not watchwords that apply to you. Notwithstanding the horrendous treatment meted out against you, the repeated abuse and the incessant put downs, you still behaved with dignity and grace. There was little doubt that you wanted to lash out. You wanted to flail us with stinging words and some home truths, just in the same way we had used our acidic tongues and savage words to berate you, yet despite how much you wanted to speak to us in this manner you did not do so. Instead, demonstrating the empathy which attracted us to you all that time ago you explained how you still loved us. You fought back the tears as you explained that you loved us more than you did when we first became a couple and despite everything that has happened you still love us. You ought to have torn strips of us, levelling a lengthy charge sheet against us but you did not behave in this way. That is not who you are. You talked about all the wonderful traits we have and how you miss them, you continued to praise us even after everything that we had done to you. You stood there bearing the emotional and physical bruises and rather than lambast us for putting you in such a state you preferred to talk about the magical times we had together. You clearly had committed each of those occasions to your memory as you brought up each event and occurrence as the tears trickled down your cheeks. You explained how wonderful we made you feel, how you had never experienced anything like that before and you consequently truly believed you had found the one. You work through the golden period, talking about the trips we took, the days we spent together and the glittering and scintillating moments we created. We can see this is hurting you all the more yet still your selflessness continues. You are exhausted after the tortuous time you have been put through and yet still you only try to remember the good and thank us for those wonderful times. You tell us that although they lasted a few months, the memories of that time are seared into your mind and you will always treasure them. You explain that you will reflect on those memories and not what came to pass afterwards as you still prefer to think the best of us, despite everything we have subjected you to. Your nobility in behaving in this manner is most impressive and your admirable words continue to fuel us. You explain between sobs that you do not want to go but you have to. You do not want to leave everything that we have built up behind but if you do not do so then you will be destroyed. You apologise, yes you actually apologise that you have not been able to help us, to steer us away from the destructive and malevolent behaviour that has marred the latter months together. You explain how hard you have tried but admit you have been defeated. You express your desire for us to change and to seek help because you truly believe that we are a good person who just needs to seize on that goodness and allow it to shine. You tell us you have seen what we can do and achieve and you still want what is best for us. You stand there staring at us; some of your possessions already packed in the two suitcases which are waiting in the hallway. You tell us you will make arrangements with us to collect the remainder of your belongings once you have had a chance to think and breathe.

We rise from our seat and walk towards you. You are quietly sobbing and we take your hands in our hands and hold them in that tender manner you recall so well. The vicious squeezing that one day arrived out of nowhere is not in existence. Instead, we hold your hands and look you straight in the eye as we summon up a look we have practised before with others in the situation. The look begins as sorrow and then morphs into hope as we search your eyes looking for that flicker of flame once again through the tears. You hold our gaze as we keep searching and then we speak, our words soft and gentle, just as they were when we whispered into your ear as we lay next to you holding you late at night.

“I am sorry, I know this time I have to change. Please help me be the good person I know I can be, that I want to be. Something is wrong with me and I do not know what it is, but you can save me, you are the only one. Please do not leave me. I cannot survive without you. I need you. I want to make you happy again because someone as wonderful and as loving as you deserves it. I will get help but I know I can only do it with you at my side. Please, please stay.”

The short speech is delivered with true brilliance as I gather the right inflection in tone coupled with suitable contrite looks and mannerisms. I continue to look into your eyes as you let my words sink in. The moments pass and then the light flickers, that flame of hope sparks into life and I know your next words before you have even spoken them and I begin to give you that enticing and winning smile again.

I know that you will stay. Again.

You end up stuck. Again.

This is a form of Preventative Hoover and when you roll out that supposed parting speech, you are leaving yourself exposed to such a hoover.

They often work as they target your empathic traits of guilt, sympathy, not wanting to give up, hoping for the best and wanting us to heal.

Tip us off as to your intentions and you will face such a hoover.

17 thoughts on “To Have Not To Hold

  1. Sophia says:

    Maybe I’m not clear about what victim blaming is. What is the correct label you put on posting insinuating comments, questions and comparisons that are judgmental? Does it matter? It is just plain unkind. To be quite honest, it reminds me of my ex-MMRN.

  2. Sara Jessica Snarker says:

    Lori, I am learning a lot about Narcs and my reaction to them from Mr. Tudor’s blogs and vids. But shouldn’t we be taking what we read and learn to heart and actually applying it? If one continues to constantly get involved with a Narc when they know the signs, signals and red flags, at what point do they go beyond being an Empath, victim, or the abused to becoming a plain old masochist? One thing we have learned is yelling or making a scene when escaping only provides fuel, doesn’t it? The Narc couldn’t care less. You are not ruining his life at all. Like a sewer, he will continue to flow.

  3. MB says:

    One of my favorite shows is Evil Lives Here on Discovery ID. Watching before finding HG and now after is a totally different experience. Most of the subjects are textbook narcissists. They are interviewing usually the primary source who played right into their hands. One of the most interesting is the episode about Peter Tobin where they interview his third wife. Very telling!

    Here’s my question HG. When a narcissist kills, is it a manifestation of the narcissism or would there be another disorder layered on top of the narcissism?

    The narcissism causes them to feel entitled, not abide by laws, not be accountable, have no remorse, etc. All making them “capable” of using murder as a means to get fuel. What shows more power/control than to decide whether a person lives or dies? I get this eerie feeling that once they feel that power, they have a compulsion to do it again and again. These are not murders committed in a fit of fury. They are calculated.

    I would like your input on this HG. From the narcissistic world view that you have described in your writings, it would appear that murder would not be out of the question if it serves a need or purpose for any N.

    Why do you think it is that some murder and some do not? (Aside from the fear of being caught I mean.). Being unaccountable and omnipotent as they are, I’m sure they think they are going to get away with it anyway.)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Please see the article ‘Why the Narcissist wants You dead.’

      1. MB says:

        I just read it again. I wasn’t in this mind frame when I read it the first time. Funny how the brain focuses in what it wants to. My interpretation is that notwithstanding any additional diagnosis other than NPD; a serial killer like Peter Tobin would kill for the sheer fact of dis-incentivizing the victim. So he could continue to get away with rape and not get caught?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I do not know the individual referred to MB, so I am not in a position to comment.

          1. MB says:

            I apologize. I should not have assumed. He is in the UK and fairly recent (2006 I think). They dug up bodies in his back yard. My main curiosity was if killing would be for fuel. Sounds like mainly for covering their tracks from the article. The killers that are portrayed tend to kill prostitutes, hitch hikers, runaways, etc after raping them. Maybe they think nobody will miss them and start poking around. Fuel or dis-incentivizing? Probably both? The criminal mind fascinates.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Well it is simple, killing someone generates no fuel from them. It might be done and result in Thought Fuel and possibly proximate fuel by reason of triangulation, but I do not see the prime purpose of killing someone to be fuel.

          3. MB says:

            Good to know. Thank you for your input HG.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome.

  4. Kate says:

    This is pathetic. Do people actually do this??

    When I leave a guy, I tell them off face-to-face, but I prefer packing up completely and leaving when he is at work if living with him. Not necessary with a “normal” because you can have a rational conversation.

    I left my Narcissist ex-husband, called him on the phone once packed and gone, and he said, “How am I going to take you back after you humiliated me?” I replied, “I’m not coming back.” (okay, this was not the end of it – damn!)

    I left my ex-live-in Mid-Ranger after saying to him on the phone, “That’s it”, hung up, got the remainder of my belongings in my car and went to a hotel (he had no idea where I was) and flew home two weeks later. Never saw him again. Mind fucker.

    I left my ex-fiance after he had held me hostage in his house for hours – terrifying (he is 6’6″ and was drinking Jack Daniel’s like water). I drove as fast as I could for almost an hour to get home!! He f–ing bugged me for years. Dork.

    I was loading my furniture into a rented moving van when my ex-live-in diagnosed Sociopath came home unexpectedly and helped me with loading the furniture. He drove me back cross-country a few days later (so much more to this story). Dangerous.

    I threw out my first ex-live-in after I confronted him and had him escorted out of the apartment building by the security guards. Soonafter, my ex-husband appeared on the scene and became my personal bodyguard. Lowlife.

    My high school ex-boyfriend got humiliated and he doesn’t even know it (very satisfying!!!) after he cheated on me with my best friend (whose boyfriend turned gay – ha ha). Losers.

    I befuddled the guy who turned out to be married in person, and shortly thereafter outed him to his wife anonymously. Moron.

    I am hoping to see the Somatic be charged (patiently waiting). Perhaps his new house will get destroyed by a hurricane. Maybe an alligator will bite off his face. Or a swarm of giant mosquitoes could suck out all of his blood. Many more awful possibilities, too. Hmmmm.

    My ex-husband is with a BIG dummy (very, very big). Hilarious.

    Kissing ass is not my style. People who mistreat us should get NO respect. It amuses me to see them fail without me. They deserve it and so much more..

    1. Lori says:

      Agreed but if we all want to really get beyond this the bigger issue is why we keep getting into relationships with these types of people.

      I haven’t had a lot of bad relationships but I have been involved with 2 Narcs three times. Twice with the same Narc and once with this last Narc which isn’t just a coincidence or bad luck.

      I seek this types and they seek me

    2. WhoCares says:

      I’m so glad you’re here Kate.

      I feel the pain in the things that you endured and situations that you had to struggle through to get yourself out of them. And I can see that despite all, none of them managed to take the fight out of you and you used that to propel yourself forward.

      1. Kate says:

        Thank you, WhoCares!

    3. Sara Jessica Snarker says:

      I mean no disrespect at all, but I am just curious: Have you ever met a decent guy? Mind fuckers, dorks, dangerous dude, lowlife, loser, moron…wow. Why not use that strength you have escaping a bad situation to avoid getting into it in the first place? Isn’t that what this website is for?

      1. Lori says:

        I know what you are saying sjs. If you are repeatedly in bad relationships you have something that needs addressing. That’s not victim blaming, but we have to understand what our role is in this. When you do that you seize the power. a You can’t change the Narc but you can change yourself. Even when you realize why you are attracting these types or people that are just not healthy for you you still remain prone. The difference is you will snap our of it more quickly.

      2. Kate says:

        Hi Sarah Jessica Snarker,

        Love the same you choose!

        What a great question! I have had some sweet boyfriends and nice guy friends, too. I have known other very nice men, including uncles, bosses, co-workers and other people’s fathers. There are a lot of good men out there! I think that in a romantic situation, I get irrational and infatuated. It’s weird – other people can see what I don’t and have tried to warn me, but I rejected what they said. I have also tried to warn others of bad men (and women!), and they get mad at me. Sigh. We need to help each other out. We can at least try! Ultimately, that person makes a choice and then has to live with it.

        I must, must, must state clearly and difinitively that HG’s work has opened my eyes wide – and I am so grateful! I have been stuck on my ex-husband for THIIRTY years and can finally move on!!!

        Thank you, HG!

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