The Igniters of Fury – No. 17


36 thoughts on “The Igniters of Fury – No. 17

  1. narc affair says:

    Ive had my hair long and blonde the whole time ive been with the narc. Once i had chunky lowlights put in and he didnt seem a fan of it. I loved it. He didnt devalue me over it tho. He did say he doesnt like short hair.

  2. Mary says:

    Meanwhile… my hub (who I do suspect is a cerebral narc)… If I get hair cut short, color it red, whatever I do, he says NOTHING. He hasn’t told me I look nice in years. If I ask which style he likes better, he says “it’s fine.” That’s his answer for everything. He said it’s because he doesn’t want me making decisions about my hair just to please him. So that makes me wonder if I’ve got it wrong and he’s not a narc?

    But I think he doesn’t make comments because he doesn’t want to give me the satisfaction of a compliment. He withholds. I don’t buy his explanation because in some instance, I have ASKED for his opinion.
    What do you think, HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      On the basis he is cerebral your hairstyle is of no interest to him whatsoever.

      1. Mary says:

        Thank you for your analysis, HG. That makes sense. I have another situation where he acts the opposite though, and I’m curious of your thoughts on this too.

        He has made a few comments about my appearance, unrelated to hair. One time, right before sex, he mentioned the time I wore a certain pair of shoes, and he said, “I wish I’d taken more pictures of you then, because you were so hot.” (Because I’ve got chronic pain and gained weight since that time.) So I’m wondering if he actually cares about my weight, or if that was just a dig. And why does he say shit like this just before sex and then ruin it.

        Or maybe being a cerebral, he said it BECAUSE it would ruin his chance of sex that day?

        So I guess my question is, will a cerebral act like they want sex (to get credit for initiating it) and then say something cruel on purpose just to upset their partner so they get “out” of having sex after all?

        1. NarcAngel says:


          Well chances are youd get pissed and not want it, so he gets negative fuel and gets out of it, and if you still forge on with the sex and its shit, its your fault because you were in a mood. He wins either way. Thats just my take.

      2. Nicole says:

        HG can you please write a blog about cerebral narcissists? The only person I know of that writes about them is Sam Vaknin and he is no HG Tudor that’s for sure.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I certainly shall. You can also find out more about Cerebral Narcissists in my book Sitting Target.

      3. K says:

        I think it was just a dig to provoke an emotional reaction from you (fuel) and once he got your fuel he didn’t need to have sex with you. The narcissist considers sex a chore and the cerebral narcissist has less interest in sex than the elite or somatic.

        Not only will he take credit for initiating sex, he will turn it around and use the incident against you in the future by accusing you of being frigid because you refused to have sex with him, thus, acquiring more fuel. The mind of the narcissist is a veritable Cloaca Maxima of manipulations.

      4. W says:

        Narcoholic woulsnt pay me a compliment . Ever. “It’s fine” omg, I can hear his voice saying it. If I pressured further, he would raise his voice a bit , angrily, restraining fury “IT’s FINE, I said” .
        He’s a dumb, old, ugly alcoholic somatic. It was about not giving me any “power”.

    2. narc affair says:

      Hi mary…some narcs do withold compliments as a control tactic, out of anger and to use as intermitant reinforcment.
      Do you feel its intentional?

  3. Challenge Fuel says:

    Ahhhh okay. This is another one that was OPPOSITE for me as in HIS behavior. He didn’t mind anything in regard to my hairstyle but he changed HIS hairstyle and made a huge to-do about it. And the way he acted throughout was SO contradictory and silly. So here is the story….

    He used to have long hair, to his shoulders. He knew how much I liked his long hair since I frequently told him. (And I used to pull his hair constantly while we were intimate….gah good grief….cold shower needed now!) Anyway, then randomly one day out of nowhere he says to me “I am thinking of cutting my hair off. What do you think?” I said “Well honestly I love your hair but if you want to cut it off that is your choice. I think you are beautiful no matter what your hair looks like…” He did not get it cut. When I followed up to ask him what he decided to do he told me that he was “not allowed to get it cut”. I have no idea who told him that as it was not me. (Wife? Other DLS?)

    Anyway, fast forward to a few weeks later after one of our visits. (this was before I came to the blog and learned what he is). He began pulling away from me as he usually did after we were intimate, silenting me for a few weeks, etc. When he finally reached out he sent me a selfie of him with all his hair cut off and asked me what I thought. I was flabbergasted. I told him “As I said before you are beautiful no matter what but damn I cannot believe you cut off all your hair!” He said “well you were the only one who liked it! This short hair is a hit with everyone! They like it way better than the long hair!” Ummm okay yet you told me before you were “not allowed to get it cut”. Opposite day again huh?

    Fast forward to a few weeks later he then told me he was growing his hair out again.

    Fast forward to a few weeks AFTER that before we were about to have another visit with one another. The day before my arrival we were talking on the phone to finalize plans and he said “Sorry this call is so quick, I need to go, I have an appointment for a hair cut in a few minutes. I want to look nice for our time together”

    Contradictory bullshit. But wait…it gets even funnier.

    When we met up and were hanging out he took out his driver’s license and was all “Look at this. This is the last picture I have of me with long hair. I cannot believe I cut it all off. Looking at this makes me sad. What do you think?”

    Why does it matter what I think?

    It is always Narc opposite contradiction day!

    1. Mary says:

      Challenge Fuel: Un-fucking-believable! What a load of crap! I am laughing though, because it’s so ridiculous all the switchbacks in (and on) his head!

      1. Challenge Fuel says:

        It is right there up with “I am gonna block you” vs. “I am not gonna block you”. Then “we are never having sex again” and then we do. Talking on the phone for hours and then “I hate talking on the phone”.

    2. Bibi says:

      He needs to just grow a mullet.

      1. Challenge Fuel says:

        Nah Bibi, he would just chop it all off as he keeps changing his mind over and over. LOL.

  4. Salome says:

    I think it works for the eyebrows as well.
    My sister has insulted me because I made them more “sophisticated”.
    She got completely furious!
    (I was 27 and she-30).
    From the narcissistic perspective it does make sense.

    Thank you for the enlightenment, HG!

  5. Kim says:

    It wasn’t my hair …it was my lips! I wanted to get lip injections so I did ! He hated them, he told me he would like me less if I got them done …SO I DID. He hated them and noticed right away and started to call me names as I ignored him so he went one step further and tried to hit me in my lip area right after having them done and explained he was playing …who PLAYS like like ! I changed my hair he didn’t say anything to me for days then he finally said oh you changed your hair. …

  6. Morning sun says:

    LOL the first thing I did when he started disengaging was starting to change my hair. I can tell by how I feel about my hairstyle whether I’m content with things or in need of a change, and it often has to do with my IP relationship. I had let my hair grow long to please the narc, so when he disenganged, I cut it, eventually ending up with a buzz cut (which I seriously loved!). He said he didn’t care about my hair, but he did comment a few times how he can no longer grab me by it during sex (OF COURSE when I kept it long in case he wanted to play with it in that respect, he never did).

    Can I just say again how wonderful it is to have this blog? It allows all those little things that didn’t add up to fall into place and make perfect sense. HG, you are – for lack of a better word, as I’m not religious – a godsent and I, along with so many others, am so grateful for you sharing your awareness and knowledge of narcissism.
    Thank you for helping us sleep better at night, both in your day-job (as you have indicated) and here.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome MS.

  7. Bibi says:

    The Elitists I was involved with all picked on me for my clothes. Never stylish enough, not slutty enough.

    One only liked it when my hair was bleach blonde, very dark brown or extreme red. No in between colors. I have light brown hair that women would pay a lot of money for. It doesn’t come in a box.

    Wait, that sounded odd.

    I had a narcissist friend in elementary school. (I know you’re not supposed to diagnose someone before 18 but she really was.)

    Other than punishing me with the silent treatment, ignoring me (imagine in 4th grade your best friend ignoring you and not telling you why–it is devastating on your self-esteem) she told me my hair looked horrible when down. So I wore it in a ponytail everyday, believing this.

    One day my holder broke and so I was forced to wear it down.

    “Does it look that bad?” I asked her, convinced I was a hideous beast.
    “Yes, it looks awful!”

    Then she would talk about me and condescend to me in front of others. She was so mean. Thankfully, that friendship ended in 5th grade. She became a slut. One of the boys she fooled around with now owns a car dealership. (Or so FB tells me.)

  8. Debra says:

    I would like to know why this is an igniter of fury. I colored my hair once and it turned out a little too dark we were expecting some of his family and he really got upset about my hair. Most of the time he did not care about my hair style. It was only when we were expecting his cousin for a visit.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is all about control and the defiance of that control.

      1. Debra Sutton says:

        Thank you H.G. I appreciate your response.

    2. narc affair says:

      Hi debra…what you describe reminds me of the fact narcs think of us as an extension of themselves. He wanted to impress his cousin and you were part of that so when you altered his image he was going for you ruined part of his plan. If he didnt like the change in hair than he probably felt his cousin wouldnt and it would take away from impressing him. Just my theory. Its like having arm candy to them.

      1. Debra Sutton says:

        Thank you so much for your response. What you are saying makes a lot of sense.

  9. Cheryl says:

    This is a safety for me. No one I ever dated, and eventually married, ever cared about my hairstyle. Thank god.

  10. Dragonfly says:

    HG, ??? The narc or the target???

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The victim.

  11. Lori says:

    Now I have to know about this. Why in the Hell does this ignite fury?

    When I mentioned changing my hair color the Narc said No!!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Defiance of control.

  12. amom says:

    I don’t even need to know what you are about to write to become triggered by a meme that says, “Changing Your Hairstyle”. (Takes a sip of vodka drink)

    I know I lot about this…And can I first point out that it is perhaps a bit unmanly to have SUCH strong opinions about HAIR?!

    My most recent ex-Low-Mid-Ranger shamed me into never wearing my hair up. He told me it looked bad and made me feel bad about putting my hair up no matter how temporarily and no matter how hot I was. His favorite pastime is boating at a nearby lake where it gets to be 115 degrees Fahrenheit in the Summer
    … oh, let’s not forget the mountain biking 🚵🏻… all with the long dark hair down, just how he wanted it.

    … I won’t get started on how my Mid-Ranger and now religious freak of an ex husband used to control the pants 👖 I wore…

    It’s a sick world.

    1. amom says:

      Oops, I was going to add, that the narc’s justification for the hair thing was that my hair was down when he met me, and that since he liked me the way I was when he found me…. I owe it to him to literally look the way I looked that first night perpetually… or something like that.

    2. GaMeCHaNGeR says:

      Mid to upper
      Was always make-up &then he shamed me into buying clothes. Id ask his approval before buying anything. He’d approve. Then say I bought stuff to shove my boobs in every guy’s face.
      I was… in the talk back phase by this time. So I was like you approve of everything I buy. Before we go anywhere or your friends come around I ask your approval. So thats on you. I had fake boobs when you started dating me, you should be more like yea she’s mine, that damn whore, so FUCK off. Needless to say for me that just meant another week of no sex. But whatever.
      Not dating now.
      Long story short. I’m not a Narc but I feel like I am now that I have to play his game.

      1. GaMeCHaNGeR says:

        GaMeCHaNGeR * rather than “that damn whore*

        Sorry some of my talk-to-text didn’t work.

        He belittles me BAD still &I still til this day have not dated or slept with anyone since our Nov 2017 breakup.

        Being a drug addict doesn’t help his Narcissism. He was more on top of his game when he wasn’t messed up so bad. This is how I learned to sit, watch, &learn from 1 of the best. His mistakes have taught me so much about myself &people in general

      2. Dragonfly says:

        My ex wanted me to get a Brazilian butt. He said he could show me off to his friends. Frat boy . . . Never left Brown (he knows of this site so he probably stalks me here since I have a Restraining Order. Which has turned out to be nice and peaceful.)

        With all due respect and I’m an advocate of cosmetic surgery . . . I might do a bit of tweaking myself someday . . . but a Brazilian butt on a Norwegian?

        My hair is very long and blonde. One time I put copper streaks in it and he had a tizzy. My friends like it. I like it.

        Im tired of being bossed around, manipulated, etc. HG, do male narcs hate women? I understand not wanting us to be too attractive so we don’t get swept away . . . like I did with him. But reality is women dress for and change our hair for other women! Wise men know this.

        Oh, I could show no cleavage. Not even a peak. He would ask me to change my clothes. He said the aesthetics were just for him. I was his aesthetic.
        Girls just want to have fun, remember?

    3. Melissa says:

      Every time I changed my hair he’d give me the silent treatment for WEEKS!…..LMAO

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Next article

Ask 2