The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 6

we-see-you

You want to be someone to my kind and me.

That will not happen.

You are a something to us, not a someone.

I do not relate to you. Why should I? I regard myself as superior, elevated and special. The petty concerns which govern your life do not apply to me. I do not do accountability. Certainly I have some understanding of what it means to be you, after all I have listened to you tell me so many times about how you feel and I have watched you and others like you so often. I do not feel it however. I cannot put myself in your shoes. I do not want to and even if I did, I am unable to do so because I neither have that emotional empathy or the even stronger emotional contagion that you experience.

Yes, I can see the differences between you and her, him and them. I can see the contrasts in height, body shape, she has green eyes and you have blue eyes, he has no hair and he has dreadlocks. I recognise physical attractiveness, I see the different clothes that you wear, the variances in shoes worn, jewellery displayed and such like. I notice all of that but that does not make you more of a person to me. It is merely the distinction between a washing machine that is white and one which is silver.

Take my television which is placed at the far end of the main sitting room. It is a Samsung Curved SUHD HDR Dot Smart TV 78″ television that I primarily watch sport on. It provides me with a picture which is in pinsharp crikey vision with a scintillating array of colours. The sound is impressive and it looks sleek and attractive. It delivers an outstanding display and therefore delivers what I require of it.

Take you as my primary source. I can see that you stand 5ft 9″ in height, you are slender, with pale skin and long brown hair to the small of your back, which becomes slightly wavy towards the end. Your face is oval. Your eyes are green. You look sleek and attractive. You are an outstanding display of physical attractiveness. I know all this but your primary purpose is to provide me with positive fuel and you do so impressively. You therefore deliver that which  I require of you.

You are no different to my television. You are there to provide a function. You are to deliver in accordance with the Prime Aims, which are the provision of fuel, character traits and residual benefits. If you do and you do so in a fulsome manner, you are a high functioning appliance. If you do not, you are a malfunctioning one.

You and the television are there to do things for me, because I am entitled to that.

I press your buttons by seducing you or later provoking you and you must churn out fuel for me. You at the time of the golden period are my favourite appliance. I have many appliances, other objects which spew out fuel in varying quantities and differing potencies. I have connected all of these appliances to me because again my objectification of you is also linked to the need to exert control. If I want to eat some toast, I place two slices of bread in my Alessi toaster and press the lever down, adjust the relevant control to govern the degree of toasting required and a minute or two later I have two perfectly toasted slices. It works each and every time. I control it. It does what i want. It does not refuse to toast my bread, it does not only toast one side, it does not fire the bread back at me or instead produce a different outcome altogether by presenting me with a leg of lamb. I expect you to be equally compliant and effective. I do not understand why you should not be. You are there to do what I want, I am entitled to receive the Prime Aims and since I installed you as my primary source, you should be delivering them repeatedly, consistently and without interruption. I am not interested in the vagaries of your life which impacts upon your ability to function because of my sense of entitlement, my notion of superiority and of course my incessant needs and demands.

Objects are far easier to control. They are installed, powered and they function. If they stop functioning then they are thrown away and they are replaced. Accordingly, when you stop delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims you suffer the same fate. I do not have time to repair you, you are put to one side and a better, shinier, more effective model takes your place. How did I ever manage without it? Why did I put up with you as a faltering appliance for so long?

You may look at your replacement and wonder why on earth that appliance has been chosen over you. It might be because you gave everything you could to us. It might be because you can see that you are more capable, more interesting, more intelligent and better looking than your replacement. Perhaps you are, perhaps those distinguishing features are there, but you were not delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims and your replacement is doing so which means that they are infinitely superior to you. You are dispensable. Ally the fact that we see you and others as objects with our necessity for performance, our lack of remorse and conscience and you can understand (or maybe begin to understand) why we find it so easy to dis-engage with you and place you on the scrap heap and choose another appliance with such ease.

If you end a relationship, you may be concerned to ensure that the other person is not too devastated, that they are doing okay because even though you may not want to be in a Formal Relationship longer you largely still care about the well-being of another human being. To us that is pointless. Why use your energy dealing with something that is ineffective? That is a waste of time.

Your objectification makes it far easier for us to function. By regarding you as just another object which is there to perform for us, that is to be controlled by us and can be readily replaced when we deem it necessary, we achieve our aims far more readily. Performance and control are key and this is what objects do. Whether it is an ornament which looks beautiful and we can place where we want, to a motor vehicle which delivers us from A to B or a dishwasher which provides us with clean and streak free shining glasses, we control them all and they perform.

This objectification extends into how we regard different objects. For example, when you are seduced and embedded as the intimate partner primary source, you are our most prized possession. You are the one which will give us the necessary positive fuel each and every day in large amounts and with considerable potency. This means you will be looked after, you will be treated well, you will be paraded and shown off, like some prize piece of art or an expensive necklace. You will be placed carefully on that pedestal, polished, cleaned and maintained.

The tertiary source which works in the garage where we fill up with petrol every week is like an old teddy bear. We always say hello and receive a pleasant dollop of positive fuel as we feign interest in this person’s humdrum life. We have known this person for years and like that teddy bear, we see no need to throw them away, not yet, but nor do we regard there as being any necessity for maintenance. Accordingly, the corresponding teddy bear has a eye missing, some stuffing is spilling from inside and the fur has faded.

In the same way that one is careful with a delicate and expensive mirror, we will treat our appliances in the same way. Some can be kicked to one side, scuffed and stained, like a pair of old trainers, others are handled with care until we decide otherwise. Our appliances in our fuel network are regarded and handled in differing ways.

The trophy appliances, the primary source in the golden period or the longstanding inner circle successful friends who are non-intimate secondary sources, are displayed and shown off regularly. The much maligned familial non-intimate secondary source, a scapegoated sibling or child, is the hideous jumper that is only ever worn when it really has to be done and is otherwise derided and ridiculed. Our Lieutenants are our tools, the devices which we depend on to do our bidding as they are deployed to achieve our aims.

Our objectification of you is necessary for the purposes of maintaining control and achieving the Prime Aims. This objectification is achieved because of our lack of empathy. I no sooner can relate to how an iMac feels as to how you feel. I have no concern about whether my Mont Blanc pen feels. It is there to perform. I have a vested interest in you feeling for the purposes of providing fuel, but I am not concerned as to how you feel because I cannot empathise with you.

This objectification manifests not just in how we parade you as a trophy, devalue you without any concern for the impact on you and then how we dis-engage and replace you, but also in the way we interact with you. The use of pet names Pet is a way of dehumanising you. We refer to you as her, she, he and him, rather than your actual name, stripping you of identity (see It for an extreme method of doing so). We reject the legitimacy of your needs and desires by placing ours first. A fridge freezer has no aspirations, no life plan or goals and we reject their applicability to you also. This objectification appears in how we interact with you, especially during devaluation

“Just do it.”

“Do what I want.”

“Get on with it.”

“Stop disobeying me.”

“You will do it or else.”

There is no asking, no politeness, no consideration given. We do not ask the washing machine if it wouldn’t mind washing our clothes so why would we ask you if you wouldn’t mind doing something for us?

You and everybody else, from our parents to our friends, to our colleagues to our children are all objects which are expected to do our bidding. Perform and we will keep you. Fail and you are replaced.

Now, why is there a flashing light on your forehead?

 

39 thoughts on “The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 6

  1. Delmara says:

    I realize that my comments/thoughts tend to be longer and so if email would be a better medium for this sort of thing since I’m very much in analysis/understanding mode, please let me know. Your writing here is very clear and thought provoking and when or if you can with the rules and when and if you have time, I would be interested in your thoughts on some of these things and how close or far from the mark I am.

    This is fascinating on so many levels! Thankfully I’m a few years out from both of my serious run-ins (one an UMR and one GE) with your kind, and am to a point where I can turn my empathy, not just on to what I would want or hope you to be, but onto what you actually are and I can do so, and know that I will not lose myself in the process (so long as caution in real-life interactions with your kind are maintained).

    And it is like things that Oliver Sacks or other neurologist/writers of brain anomalies talk about, where there are serious inconsistencies, almost ironies, that one’s brain/mind just cannot see (like the stroke victim who swears that paralyzed hand that is his own actually belong to his brother).

    The irony here is, is that you don’t have a firm and consistent identity of your own. You mirror it (albeit with a purpose) from us. We have actual identities and individuality and you don’t. Yet we are the appliances to you. You still see us as the machines, the appliances. And reading this really showed me why. And as horrible as it is, what you do to us.What you do to people who love you and trust you(!) I think I see why. And dare you to see it too, even if you can’t ever feel it, HG.

    So, the way we work, as humans, is that we develop theory of mind, but our primary source for beginning to develop it, is our own. I feel like the whole objectification thing stems from the combination of a different (some would say damaged, but I will refrain from that terminology out of consideration for you) structured brain and the main template for ToM drawn from that different brain structure combined with the fact that though the combinations of thoughts, feelings, and associations that bring about our emotional displays are highly unique to each individual, the outward displays of those emotions tend to be pretty uniform across cultures (with some exceptions).

    Because you don’t have the same sort of under-the-surface wiring to be able to have inner unique identity in the same way that we do because of the different theory of mind that is structured around your own, you see similar displays of similar emotion from different people brought about by repetitive machinations that you build and apply and hone from person to person and no wonder we feel like fuel machines to you! You can’t know and feel the complex web of association of specific memories might have with a song, or individual associations or how the beauty of a dissonance and release in that piece could bring someone to tears, and that same song that you play for them might bring another person to tears for entirely different reasons unique to them (same reaction, but for entirely different under the surface reasons that you have no access other than cognitive-empathy and what they tell you to be able to understand. No wonder we seem interchangeable.

    We are living in 3d, and we are 3d, and it is like you see in 2d glasses that focus mostly on cognitive empathy and form ToM from those things within you that are devoid. It almost seems like your mind cannot see its own image in what it projects onto us, and cannot even contemplate the full implications of the reality of what it has no way to understand (our identities based in the complex web of feelings/associations/memories and thoughts).

    But even if I’m explaining this in a different way than you would, or might have thought about, the bare bones you surely know. But what stops your cognitive empathy from realizing the likely presence of individuality and working to protect people because of it?

  2. WhoCares says:

    This article really drives it home for me; the nature of the narcissist.

    But, in reading about the scruffy teddy bear tertiary source it reminded me of the velveteen rabbit…so I looked up a quotation.

    This is the skin horse telling the rabbit what it’s like to be truly loved, over time:

    ” ‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

    ‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’

    ‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’

    ‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.’ ”

    Personally…I don’t know…would I rather be the pristine, collectors edition china doll sitting high up on the shelf; never touched, “carefully kept” and only admired from afar?

    Not really.

    Am I proud of the signs that I was loved?
    Maybe.
    Or proud of the evidence that showed I was able to love deeply?
    Possibly.

    Would I have wanted to come out of it, on the other side, much less unscathed?
    Oh, hell yes.

    Would I be the same the person though?
    Nope.

    Would I recognize the value of what I went through?
    Potentially.

    Would I recognize why I seemed ‘fated’ to take that path?
    There’s a chance.
    (But I can see it a lot more clearly with HG’s assistance.)

    Would I recognize the point where there’s a crossroads and I have a chance to take an alternative path with a clear mind and heart – or continue down the same path, only this time with eyes wide open?
    (Not without HG’s help.)

    Thanks HG!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

    2. MB says:

      Beautiful WhoCares! You’ve inspired me:

      These toys were clearly those of an empath. Had the toys belonged to a narcissist, it would have gone something like this:

      “Dead isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a narcissist “loves” you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY “loves” you, then you become Dead.”

      “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.” No, it happens to the most tenacious, the longest suffering, the ones that only see the good.

      “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

      “Everyday” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. Don’t fret about it though; when it happens a little at a time you hardly notice. Plus when you are being “loved” you don’t mind being hurt.”

      1. WhoCares says:

        MB,

        Yes, I hear your words. And I appreciate your perceptive take on it. Plus, it’s fun to see the domino effect of inspiration…

        However, for me; I have to believe something good comes from it in the end. I simply have to.

        1. MB says:

          I believe in good too and look for it everywhere I can.

          But the story made me think of my cousin that was in what I now know was an abusive narcissistic marriage for over 20 years. I remember making the comment that if it were me I would rather be killed all at once rather than a little bit each day. She did get out, so I guess there is that bit of good, but she most definitely was not unscathed.

      2. WhoCares says:

        MB,

        “I would rather be killed all at once rather than a little bit each day.”

        I agree wholeheartedly with your statement here.

        It’s funny because I remember using analogies when venting at my narcissist that are similar to what HG outlines here (even though I rarely think about the formal relationship anymore). The ‘heart shredding’…I accused him outright of wearing away at my heart little bit by little bit…and in pointing out the crazy behaviour of ‘you’re the best’ one day, and the next day, ‘you’re ruining my life’ I said to him it was like a nail…if you hammer it as hard as you can in one direction it just bends and stays that way. But if you hammer it in one direction and then the opposite…and then bend it again back and forth & back and forth – well, soon you can break that nail with just your fingers. Who needs a hammer then?

  3. Kim says:

    YEP the lights are definitely flashing beeping ringing …all THAT! Every time I read more material it just reminds me of how sick this person was and how much he really hurt me. I know what he his now, I just have to come to terms with it all.

  4. Authenticity says:

    But, I think that normal people call each other pet names, too, as a form of endearment.

  5. DoForLuv says:

    Misspelling victim name in category dehumanising as well ?

  6. Alicia says:

    HG, You are so spot on……It’s so uncanny that I sometimes think that you ARE my narcissist…the one that has put me thru so much hell….but I do enjoy reading your posts….helps me navigate the sea…I’ve gotten so caught up in the waves, the same waves, over & over again…. & look forward to the day that I reach dry land again……

  7. BurntKrispyKeen says:

    “Your writings continue to get under my skin.” – Challenge Fuel.

    I can relate to that feeling, CF. And I bet you can relate to mine… I suppose we all internalize this stuff, but sometimes the timing of HG”s posts will make me think that he’s trying to put me in my place. ( I don’t mean that in an ugly way.) HG has a keen sense on reading people… add that I’m not a hard read, and he knows that I still struggle to accept the narcissist’s stance. So like being in church, I think the preacher is talking directly to me. (I know that you must feel that too, Challenge Fuel.)

    As much as I understand this. I still don’t get it. Maybe it’s just hard to accept that human beings can truly be this way? I try to have an understanding heart regarding the trauma behind what makes us behave certain ways, but at some point, we all just have to try harder. People are not objects.

    And I bet that I take better care of my Pilot G-2’s.
    For an instrument to be valued as a brag-worthy pen, that thing should also work as a PEZ Dispenser or something. Better yet, for that kind of $$$$ it should at least vibrate. [And you can call me a nun again, HG, but I don’t own one of those either. (Not talking fancy pens.) Perhaps that’s why I am feeling the need to get onto the dating scene so badly?]

    I just don’t understand the timing of these set backs (seeing his band’s promotional flyer). I just don’t get why that had to be innocently sent to me when I had been trying so hard? I really didn’t need to see that right now.

    I was doing so well, HG (for me). I have been keeping my distance… no checking on anything… a real effort, not a psuedo-no-contact. I was making genuine progress, even with shaking the thoughts of him out of my head.

    After seeing that photo yesterday, I was jolted, but after a few minutes, I pulled myself together to go to an evening concert at a small venue. I went with a friend, and she and I had a great time. As the band performed, I felt reasonably unscathed. We followed the show with dinner at a local pub where there were more live performances. We mingled with whomever came our way… just talking and laughing with people at random. We had fantastic conversations. So I told my friend that by this summer, I would agree to be introduced to the fellow whom she has been wanting me to meet. My friend suggested that would give me a few more months to prepare. I know that a part of me is still not ready to date, but being out last night made me feel as though I will be by summer. (There’s a bit more to last night, so I probably need a consult.)

    This morning it all hit me like a ton of bricks. Reading this article with random thoughts of his band’s upcoming show… I let it upset me. I guess it is the difference of being around a room full of people vs. being alone with my thoughts? I am so angry that he still has this much effect on me… that seeing a picture of him can jack me up when I thought I was going to be able to blow it off fairly unaffected. (I know that he wants me back under his spell. He has told me before that he can walk away from anyone, but he can’t seem to walk away from me. And I know that’s part bullshit narc-talk, but if he thinks there is a crack in my armor, he will try to get through.)
    I have cracks. I am weak.

    I know that he wants me, but the main problem is… he will always want others too. I am NOT an appliance. I don’t ever want to be entangled like this again.

    I doubt that I will ever be able to give my heart to another man. Ever. Not fully. I see (sense) all of these caring, sweet souls on here who remain strong, resilient and have stayed precious people despite being abused… (It’s not hard to tell such) … My heart breaks for them too, but I feel intimated because others seem to progress faster than I do when it comes to healing from this narcissistic entanglement.

    It shouldn’t be this way. People should not hurt one another like this.

    1. WiserNow says:

      BurntKrispyKeen,

      I understand everything you say in your comment and I would like to say that you’re not weak at all. Please don’t feel intimidated by anyone else here. Most people probably don’t share all the gory, terrible moments here, because most people like to put a more positive spin on things and there isn’t the space to go into great detail.

      Getting through this experience takes time and it’s not smooth-sailing. It’s now almost three years since I discovered the truth about narcissism and started putting the pieces together and I’m STILL finding it hard and probably always will. I need to read HG’s posts every day to strengthen my logical thinking.

      I have found many times that it’s a case of two steps forward and one step back, if you know what I mean. There are days when I come home from work or being out socialising and I am very angry with myself because I think, “why did I say/do that?”… “why did I allow my boundaries to be trampled on like that?” …”If so-and-so says that to me again, I really need to have a more assertive answer”…etc etc etc If I see something – like when you saw the photo – and I have an emotional reaction, I am annoyed with myself too, for not being more logical and for letting it get to me.

      Then I think that I have to be a little kinder to myself. It’s not the end of the world and tomorrow is another day where you can try again.

      I think that your night out with the musical performance and all the social stimulation may have meant that your senses were on overload and maybe your mind didn’t have the “space” it needed for a rational, logical reaction. Instead, the photo brought on an instinctive emotional reaction.

      That’s ok. Take it as a stepping stone. Now you know that you reacted in that way, you will have more insight and foresight for any similar future incidents that come up.

      I think our minds are delicate, intricate structures and we can’t simply mould them at will to think in the way we want them to. Let yourself experience the thoughts you’re experiencing and try to go with it without blaming yourself. Give yourself the time to change and be kind to yourself. It’s a gradual process, however, if you keep believing that the overall trajectory is moving in a better direction, you will get there 🙂

      1. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        Thank you, WiserNow. I appreciate your words of comfort. And your advice has helped to pull me back in line, to see that I just need to refocus.

        You are correct about the sensory overload. It just so happened that my friend innocently sent me his band’s promo flyer on the exact day I had tickets to another concert, so being on that type of scene probably did make it worse. Add that I used to think that I was good at reading people, but since I have lost confidence in my intuitive skills, every guy I talked to at the pub… well, I think I judge people more harshly now. So you must be right, WiserNow… the next morning was probably more about coming down off of an analytical-brain-overload of trying to pick up on every red flag the poor chaps were waving.

        And thank you for sharing that you’ve been working on this for three years. It helps me to not feel alone. I truly appreciate your wisdom, WiserNow.

      2. Lori says:

        Imo it’s actually good that you saw the flyer and are dealing with the associated upset. At first we have to completely remove ourselves from anywhere these people are so that we can at least begin the healing, but when they are a part of your circle of friends or live close, you eventually have to deal with running into them. After enough time had passed, it won’t affect you like this. It will always affect you, but not to this extent especially if you are single and meet someone else.

        I think some part of us always thinks we are missing out on something. Trust me, we aren’t. Narc 1 I didn’t see for 13 years. Yes, 13 freakin years later he came to hoover. In 13 freakin years he had not changed one bit! They will not change for anyone ever! I do not care what happy photos are shown. It’s all a lie

        I have to hear about the asshole from time to time and I just immediately change the subject

      3. Lori says:

        BKK

        Your intuition is likely just fine. I think looking back I would say most of us knew there was something not right with them. I knew. My intuition was working just fine. It’s just it felt so good I chose to silence it. I would say it’s boundary reinforcement that I need to work on which is always a problem for me as a codependent

    2. WhoCares says:

      BKK – from your sharing and comments, you’re clearly anything *but* a weak person.

      I wish I had not been so weak earlier on…I want so badly to be free of mine…but I am bound.

      1. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        Hi WhoCares,
        Thank you for your words of encouragement. It’s odd how the least little thing can set us back. And that experience showed me that no matter how hard we try, sometimes unprompted triggers will just fall in our laps. So as HG warns, I know that I am not immune. We truly stay at risk. So that is a weakness I will resent having until the narcissistic relationship ends… and I sure hope that I outlast that one. (Think I’m going to go take my vitamins now.😉🍎🍐🍒)

        Thank you for lifting me up, WhoCares. You are a sweetheart.

  8. DayStar says:

    I needed to be reminded of this today! Thanks

  9. Mini duck says:

    Hypocracy of the narcs is that they want the best in you and still they only value the fuel you give them and hate you for your qualities that they don’t possess. They only want quality fuel from the quality objects. They themselves can be inferior behind the mask.
    Of course some narcs are born superior/better in many aspects of life and don’t need many masks.

  10. Bibi says:

    HG someone had made a comment about how you suck data (fuel) on their phone. Well, if that is true you must be Windows 10.

    I had a computer updated in my house and now my Internet moves slow as a bunch of construction workers paid by county taxes.

    I unplugged said computer and holy dogshit, I can actually type a comment and read my Gmail. I can even watch FilmStruck.

    Plug back in and it is once again slow as government workers when renewing your social security card.

    While this is totally narcissist non-related, I am such a bitch when my Internet won’t work. Grrrrr!!!! What is it? 1999?

    Hope you’re well.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I will get the minions to pedal faster, that will speed the internet up for you Bibi.

      1. Bibi says:

        Haha. Gonna have to upgrade my speed and then things should be a-ok.

        It has brought back some memories of dialup. Remember having to wait several mins for a pic to load? Or getting kicked off randomly?

        I think I might start me a Geocities page while I’m at it. Yuk Yuk.

    2. MB says:

      It was me. When I’m on the blog through my phone, I can literally see the battery indicator draining! It’s not quite as bad if connecting to WiFi but the site hogs data. Pages with lotsa comments load much slower than ones without. Maybe we have some computer gurus on here that can comment. I have a theory but need to research it. You are hilarious Bibi! Government workers is a good analogy.

    3. Amelia says:

      Ha ha Windows sucks.

  11. mollyb5 says:

    Good one . But why don’t you push my buttons exactly the same kind way ….soft and lite so , I can react the exact same way like an appliance ?

  12. MB says:

    Yet their very existence hinges on the one thing they CANNOT get from inanimate objects. Quite the conundrum indeed.

    1. WiserNow says:

      MB,

      It is a conundrum, as you say. Narcs want the best fuel, while treating people like appliances. They want their cake and they want to eat it too.

      I think that’s why they choose empathic and co-dependent people. They choose people who are capable of being treated badly and are still forgiving and committed.

      Empaths and co-dependents can absorb the abuse and still keep believing in the golden illusion, addicted to the belief that the narc must have the qualities they pretended to have during the mirroring process.

      Empaths keep believing because of their innate empathic qualities and because it felt so good while being mirrored. They’ll be sucked in by the narc’s mindgames and continue to be well-functioning “appliances” for longer than any “normal” person would be.

      It’s a conundrum, however, empaths believe they can solve the puzzle. That is, until they’re almost worn out from trying or until they eventually seek the truth after too many disappointments.

      1. MB says:

        True story WiserNow,

        Hope is the most cruel emotion we feel. It is dashed time after time after time, yet we still believe.

        Thanks to HG, I now know why God didn’t answer to my begging to be N’s “one and only”. The Universe was
        looking out for me. I wouldn’t survive a proper devaluation.

  13. Challenge Fuel says:

    Your writings continue to get under my skin so here is the latest regurgitation that just came up to my throat.

    Pet Names he used to refer to me as….
    Kid, Kiddo, Sport, Lady, Darling Girl, Dear One, and My Child of the Corn. (he used some of these toward his wife too. i.e answering his phone in front of me when she called and saying “hey there KIDDO…”)…..or when he would interact with his friends on Facebook he would call them “Darling” or “Dear One”.

    Do not even get me started on being called kid, kiddo and sport. I am 5 1/2 years OLDER than him. I used to joke that he did not call me “Cougar”. His response was “You are not a cougar….I was with someone once who was 50. That’s an age difference for a cougar. But that was a long time ago!” Well shit how long ago could it have been? You are 33 years old now! A long time ago? What were you like 18 banging a 50 year old?

    Oh but he was never objectifying!! Oh no!!! (SARCASTIC EYE ROLL)
    I (half heartedly/joking) once made a comment about the usage of the terms “kid” and “kiddo”. I told him it was “cornball” and then I said “you are probably sitting there laughing right now”.

    His response was “What? Do not be silly. You are not some object that I pander to for amusement!”

    As much as this utterly sucks thank you again HG for getting under my skin and allowing me to vent all of this into the stratosphere.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome

    2. Mini duck says:

      Challenge fuel:
      Out of curiousity – Can you play piano? Has Your narc anytime suggested to teach you Music?
      My experience is that that they never offer help on their own. When you ask them, they find excuses or divert the question. They only help when they gain fuel and admiration (that they are so kind or great) from certain secondary and tertiary Sources (not from everyone).

      HG – You must be good in Music. Can you play many instruments?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I can play the piano, lead electric triangle and the willy banjo.

        1. Narc Angel says:

          ….not to mention empaths like a harp….

      2. Mini Duck,
        I do not play the piano. We did discuss writing a song though. He said he liked my writing and told me to write lyrics (which I did) and he would help with the instrumentals. It never happened. T’was merely a “future fake” as HG says.

    3. Bibi says:

      CF:

      You bring up the interesting point about age. The Mid Ranger was also 5 yrs younger and I have to admit that part of the allure was the fact that he was younger.

      Narcs mirror back what you want to see. So they reveal us to be sexually desirable because they desire us. Add the fact that he is younger and we must be hot shit.

      Take that away and what are we left with? I was nearing 40 at the time and there is this subconscious feeling that women once they hit that age become old hags. So if you can land someone hot and buff–holy shit! I must be sexy.

      Now suddenly he doesn’t want me and I must be an old crone. I really had to peer inward and assess this because I came to find that I would not have been as attracted to him had he been 5 yrs older.

      Not that I have anything against older men, but in this instance, he appealed to MY narcissism–he looked good.

      Do you see any of those same patterns in yourself? Do you think you’d be as into him if he had greying hair, lost the 6 pack, a bit of a dad bod, and carried that look of, ‘He must have been really hot in his day but is only pretty good now?’

      1. Bibi, he is not obsessed with his appearance like the narcs I read about here. I mean he cares but but he is definitely not the “somatic” that HG discusses. He is not gray haired, he does not have a 6-pack and he has a slight dad bod. I was fine with that. But it was more than just the way he looked that attracted me. I looked at pics of him on FB from over the last 15 years or so and he has not changed that much. He still has that typical nerdy musician look. I realize I am rambling. I do not know how to answer your question. Yeah I mean I do find him attractive but it was also more than that too. I do not think the age difference between us was that big of a deal. It just irked me that he had terms of endearment toward me like I was the younger one.

  14. /iroll says:

    “A fridge freezer has no aspirations, no life plan or goals and we reject their applicability to you also.”

    – yep!

  15. Lori says:

    Except no matter how good we are, we out fuel will go stale which allows the cycle to continue. The cycle must continue that is the pathological nature of Narcissism

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